by Leanne Davis
He would never do that again. What a cocky, naïve ass. He never even considered the consequences of his recklessness.
He glanced at his right, and Jody was beside him. He could have pinched his arm from disbelief that he was sitting in a doctor’s office, waiting for HIV counseling, with his last lover or whatever she was to him. Yet here they were. Because her father made an appointment with their family clinic for him and was more than willing to pay for it.
God, what a twisted twenty-four hours.
Ross’s leg wouldn’t stop jiggling. His stomach kept tightening and cramping and he wished he hadn’t eaten breakfast.
Then, Ross heard his name. He jumped up and started to follow the voice when he stopped and glanced down at Jody as he asked, “Would you come in with me?”
She showed her surprise in her eyes but after a slight nod, she collected her stuff and followed him.
They entered the hallway and Ross got on the scale to measure his height and weight. An amiable conversation with the nurse was totally ignored by Ross. He didn’t hear or answer a word she said. Jody, thank goodness, took over for him.
Seated in the biggest exam room he’d ever seen, Ross was asked more questions. More probing followed. Then they were left alone and Ross stared at the anatomy poster featuring all the muscles in the human body. He had no words to express himself.
A man who introduced himself as Dr. Orslov entered the room and faced them. “I see you tested HIV positive.”
“First test I passed and wished I didn’t.” Ross winced when he spoke out loud. “I’m sorry,” he muttered, wiping his hands on his jeans since his nerves made them clammy.
“I understand. No need to apologize. But your life isn’t over, Ross.”
“It’s not?” Jody, Nick and the internet had already told him that, but the man with the MD beside his name was the only one who gave it any legitimacy. Ross’s shoulders wilted.
The man smiled kindly. “It isn’t a terminal disease anymore. Let’s discuss it in depth before we determine a course of action, huh?”
Ross nodded and let his numbness wash over him. The diagnosis was one that he never expected to be threatened by.
Sure enough, he had to be retested. More testing would follow that.
Words that meant nothing floated through the air like dust. There were so many of them. Glancing at Jody, he only hoped she heard more than he did because his ears felt like they were filled with roaring water.
HIV. The Human Immunodeficiency Virus attacks the immune system, debilitating the body’s natural defense system against illness. Left untreated, a person’s immune system becomes weaker and weaker until it can no longer fight off serious infections or lethal diseases. AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) describes the symptoms and illnesses that develop during the final stages of HIV infection, if left untreated.
All the bells rang inside Ross’s head. Things he learned a full decade ago and never considered since then, certainly not in terms of himself, were well beyond his grasp now.
It scared everybody when it appeared in the early eighties and nineties he learned in health class. An epidemic with absolutely terrifying results dominated those decades. Then the panic calmed down because they learned how to slow down the spread. Effective treatments and intensive research mitigated the threat of death and people began to live longer with the disease. When Ross became sexually active, he never even thought about HIV, because he had no reason to. He didn’t read the latest updates and information for surviving it, or know that the looming presence it once carried became less terrifying for society at large. Ross worried more about STDs like crabs or gonorrhoea, which both sounded gross and had totally noticeable symptoms, such as itching and a pungent discharge.
But HIV? AIDS? No. The threat of it never crossed his mind. His ignorant brain had no better excuse than that.
He snapped back into focus when the doctor said, “Ross?”
“Yes? I mean, what did you say?”
“I was explaining how the testing we do can determine your HIV progression. That’s how far the infection has already advanced inside you. We have to measure the CD4 in your blood.”
“CD… what?”
The doctor smiled kindly and Ross sensed he must have had many previous discussions about this with other patients. Sighing with chagrin, Ross admitted, “I’m sorry, Doctor, but I’m having a hard time processing everything you’re saying.”
Dr. Orslov leaned forward. “That’s okay. We’ll go over it as many times and as long as you need to or want to. Or we can wait and stop right here and see you after we’ve examined your blood for the next steps in the process.”
“No, Doctor. Please, tell me some more about it.”
“Okay, CD4 refers to the fighting cells of your immune system, so naturally, we want those to be very high. As HIV advances, your CD4 counts drops, which reflects and indicates the amount of damage you have incurred in your immune system.”
“So a low CD4 count in my blood right now is very bad.”
The doctor solemnly nodded. “Yes. It is bad. But it’s far from being, well, it’s not your worst worry. We now have medicines that prevent the HIV from destroying CD4 cells.”
“Okay, I get it. So we can keep those high.”
“Yes. In contrast, we want the viral loads to stay low. Meaning, we will use medications to prevent the HIV from multiplying. The goal is to get your viral load down until it’s undetectable.”
“Meaning, it’s all gone?” Ross asked, looking puzzled.
“No. It’s never fully gone. But by monitoring the CD4 count and your viral loads, we can determine how well the medicines are controlling your HIV.”
“Okay. So I’m not relying totally on hope?”
Dr. Orslov smiled and replied, “Hope is very important in battling this infection. Understand this: you have every chance for a long, full and healthy life. But you do have a seriously harmful infection. Something you must manage and control for the rest of your life. We can suggest good life choices, lots of exercise, a healthy diet and little stress, but you must take HIV medication every single day for as long as you live. There are other things to deal with as no two cases are the same, of course. Any resistance to the drugs interferes with their efficacy and we might have to seek alternative therapies to combat the HIV. But hope must never ebb.”
Ross stared down and felt like his heart climbed up and lodged in his throat. The terrified feeling he had in coming there and learning more about his condition was fully justified. It was still scary. His CD4 count and viral loads, combined with the possibility of drug resistance and what? Mutating strains? How strange and surreal it was to hear all of this regarding his own body.
Ross felt completely changed, yet exactly the same. His entire life was flipped into chaos and turmoil. Sure, everything was the same. He wasn’t sick. Not at all. He had no symptoms. He wouldn’t have suspected a thing. Asking Jody to have sex without a condom was the source of this critical knowledge. How long did he have it? Who knew? A dark cloud menaced his brain like an African elephant was sitting on his forehead.
After a few respectful moments, the doctor said, “Can I answer any questions for you?”
“I’m not sure. It’s a lot to swallow all at once.”
“Yes, it is. Please, take your time.”
He glanced at Jody. “Do you have any questions?”
Having remained quiet the entire time, Jody nodded briskly before she leaned over and took Ross’s hand. He squeezed hers as if it were a lifeline thrown to him. “Many questions. May I?” she asked in a crisp, demanding, take-charge tone.
“God, thank you.” Ross smiled as he said it under his breath.
“We always used condoms when we had sex. We also engaged in oral sex and Ross came inside my mouth. More than once.”
Jody spoke as clearly and candidly as she might report an allergy. Damn. Ross was blushing and bursting with pride at the same time. She was so balls-out with eve
rybody. Balls to the wall. Never afraid to ask for information she wanted. Never embarrassed or unsure. He admired her spunk and realized what a contrast he was. His surliness filled him with shame and embarrassment when he discovered he had HIV. Obviously, he still had a lot of work to do.
“In theory, it is possible to transmit HIV that way, but it is highly unlikely. Far more probable to transmit the virus through anal or vaginal sex. I’m not sure how well oral sex and HIV are currently documented, but I’m encouraged that you used condoms every time.”
“We did,” Jody proudly confirmed, without going on.
“Then I think you will probably test negative. The results won’t be one hundred percent sure for three months. We need that window of time to determine positivity.”
“Window of time? What are you referring to?”
“I’m referring to the period of time between when you could have been exposed and when the tests provide accurate results. A person can test negative but still have HIV during this window of time.”
“How long does it last?” Jody’s tone was grim and serious.
“I recommend first testing two to four weeks, then three months, and eventually, six months. But again, your situation is low risk. I would follow through with the testing but don’t get too hung up on it.”
Jody and Ross exchanged long looks and her eyes sparked as she nodded. “I like hearing that it is highly unlikely I was exposed. We last had sex a month ago so is the testing valid now?
“Yes.” Dr. Orslov nodded.
“I wish you didn’t have to do this.” Ross squeezed her hand.
“Well, I do. We do. So…” She flipped her gaze back to the doctor. “What about having sex now?”
“Condoms will prevent any contamination. I wish I could stamp that on people’s foreheads and insist that they use them correctly.”
“So if I am not HIV positive and Ross is, can we have a relationship…?”
“Mixed statuses, which are called serodiscordant, is a technical word to designate couples in which one partner is positive and the other is not. Of course, you can have a relationship. HIV people don’t have to live sexless lives. They just have to observe an added layer of caution and respect. The pause that protects. But it’s manageable. And the honesty I have noticed between you two, which is not a clinical observation, suggests to me neither of you would be reckless or hasty.”
Ross’s muscles clenched. It was Jody’s decision to ask about having sex with him in the future. After all he did, and the carelessness and apathy he showed when he met her, she could still look past his boorish behavior. When she slept with him, she did so safely and he never fully understood all that she so generously gave him. Her gift was herself. Like a fool, he ran out on the only real, honest, loving person to enter his life.
And now she was asking a doctor if she might safely continue to have sex with him? Ross’s heart swelled inside his chest cavity. It beat faster for her. His emotions belonged to her. He didn’t deserve all she did for him, especially after what he did to her.
“Of course, we want to know more,” Jody answered, eager to listen.
Ross’s head spun and he missed most of it, lost in sensory overload. But Jody got it all. And Ross trusted she knew exactly what to do. The best and safest ways were all she would ever practice with him and of course she would teach him what they were.
Finally, they rose and thanked the doctor many times. Since Jody was more clear-headed and functioning much better than he, she took care of business. Then they were outside the office. They had to wait again for Jody to get her blood test.
Ross realized they were in this together, which was stunning to him.
Jody’s parents showed up in the waiting room too. Surprised to see them, Ross said hello and tried to be polite, saying all kinds of pleasantries, which were unfamiliar to him. Jody’s parents responded in kind and an awkward, unexpected silence descended over the four of them. What was there to say? The weather and other mundane commonalities were not worth the words. Their nerves were taut as a tightrope.
“They won’t get the results for a day or so,” Jody suddenly announced.
“This will be a long day,” Joelle replied.
“Yeah.” Finally, Jody’s name was called. Anchored by a weight as thick as concrete tied to his feet, Ross wanted to go with her, but seeing her parents right there, and knowing they knew he was the one who caused this situation to befall her, he paused.
Jody straightened her posture bravely and said, “I’ll be right back. No big deal. Just a routine blood draw.”
Her mom squeezed her hand, nodding in agreement. “No big deal is right.”
They shared a long look and Jody was gone.
After twenty minutes, she came back out, looking exactly the same as when she went in. Ross didn’t know what he expected but his relief upon her return was so palpable he longed to touch her. He needed to feel the reassurance that she was okay. Right here with him.
Not sick because of him. What could he do if she were sick? It cut him in two when he tried to contemplate that crucial moment for her. He was so grateful for her healthy reaction that the least he could do now was wait with her.
Chapter 13
JODY’S MEDICAL ONLINE CHART notified her of a new test result. Stomach somersaulting, she excused herself to go to the bathroom. She needed a private moment. Clutching her phone, she sat down on the closed toilet lid and finally sucked in a breath for courage, pressing the button and clicking on the test result.
She shut her eyes and waited a few moments until it was time to look. She had to face the music. Ross did so she could do it too.
She glanced and… oh! Oh.
She drooped.
Shit.
Shit.
Negative.
Her heart sank to her feet. Shocked, a surge of relief so infinite made her shudder and she felt reborn. Oh, fuck. The magnitude of her relief compounded Ross’s fears. His burden. She had to be there with him.
Rising, she walked out of the bathroom without any theatrics or buildup. They all needed to know the truth. Even Ross.
“I’m negative,” Jody announced to the entire room. They all knew she omitted the last two words: for now. Only after receiving another negative result in three months could she be sure she actually was negative.
JayJay was playing his game and wearing headphones in her dad’s office. Both of her parents exclaimed sighs of joy and relief as they got up to hug and kiss her. Ross jumped up too. He stood in the back but his expression showed how much it mattered to him. Maybe more than everything else.
She stepped towards Ross, who was freaking trembling, and set her hand on his cheek. “It’s okay. I’m okay. You didn’t get me sick.”
Ross started to cry.
For fucking real.
She stared up at him, dumbfounded and he shook his head and asked, “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.” She didn’t add the caveat for now, she didn’t have to. Tears filled his eyes and streamed down his face.
Oh, damn.
After some shuffling, Jody realized her parents saw all of this and were leaving. Without a word. There was no missing his emotional response and meltdown and damn. She didn’t either, although it was so intense and weird and awkward.
“I thought… I might have… hurt you.”
“No. But if I were positive, it wasn’t your fault. Remember? STDs are always a risk when you do what we did. I chose to make that decision.”
Ross suddenly completely engulfed her with his arms and hugged her to his chest. No preamble and no warning. He held her tightly. She patted him on the back and muttered over and over. “I’m okay. I swear I am.”
Ross nodded and said, “I guess I can live with this, as long as you don’t have to. If you were positive, I’m not sure what I’d do.”
“You’d live with that knowledge. We would have both accepted it and gone on with our lives.” She leaned back and took his face in her hands
. He hunched over to her level and held her. “You are going to live with it. Remember? A long, full life. As long as you want. Treating it is the solution. But you must treat it forever and your whole life. Right? You’re going to do that?”
Ross released her and wiped the wetness leaking out of his eyes, using the back of his hands as he nodded and replied, “Yeah. Yes.”
“Do you promise me you will?”
“I promise I will,” he whispered.
“No more of your shit either, acting like you and your life don’t matter. For what you did to me. And for almost giving it to me, all I ask is that you take better care of yourself for the rest of your life.”
“I can do that…”
“Why don’t you talk to me for once? And be honest. What the hell happened? Zenith’s former drummer comes back and you take off? Without a word to any of us? This disease brought you back. You realize that, right? You would not be here but for your fear that I contracted a disease from you. You came back as an obligation, not from love. We still have a lot to figure out in terms of your journey with that. But first: what the fuck were you thinking?” Jody all but hit his arm before she continued her reprimand. “Why? Why would you leave me, and all of us like that?”
Shaking his head, Ross flopped down on the edge of the couch behind him. “It sounds like such crap after you had to be tested for HIV because of me and now you’re waiting to see if your life is changed…”
“Remember that, changed, not ruined,” Jody added softly.
He nodded. “Right. I’ll try.”
“Zenith was always a temporary gig. I fully intended to find you a new band. A younger one that toured and was hungry enough to take you with them to the top of all the charts. Why wouldn’t you let me do that?”
Ross stared down at the carpet. He seemed frozen with shame.
“Why would you leave me in the process? My God, that was mean.”
He lifted his head. The word she used seemed to surprise him. She shrugged. “What? It best describes how you left me. It was so mean. You didn’t say even goodbye. I had to figure it out by myself. No phone call or text even. I had no way to locate you. No address, phone number, nothing. I thought I’d never see you again. and I started to grieve for you, you stupid dolt. Grieve. Because I worried I would never find you. Ironically, HIV is what brought you back to me. Listen to my words and then try to tell me that isn’t mean.”