by Leanne Davis
He put a hand out towards her. “It was the meanest thing I’ve ever done. And I’d hate anyone who could do that to you.”
“Then why did you do it?”
“Are you ready for a shitty excuse that will embarrass you because it’s so wimpy and misguided? The life I thought I led was so tough and cool, and now it seems totally stupid, feeble and wrong.” She leaned forward and set her hands on his and sat beside him.
“I’m ready for the shitty excuse.”
“I was basically scared. I kept thinking that nothing ever works out. Here I go again. I was always finding new ways to feel defeated. That’s it. I panicked. I always run when I panic. I just run like the little bitch that I am.”
“And would you have come back eventually?”
“A year ago, I would say no. But a day ago, I really missed…” His voice drifted off. The fierce stone wall started to fortify itself.
“Ross, we just got tested for HIV together. Get over it. Speak to me. Now. Honestly. I’m done with all of that from before, your cryptic comments to avoid saying the truth. Say it.”
She gave him the barest hint of a smiles with her frustrated tone. “I missed you. More than anything else in my life. Ever. Even drumming. Playing with Zenith was a great high. But you? You were a landmark in my life. A ground-breaking pioneer and a life coach.”
Jody sighed as she let go of her clenched muscles when she feared what he might say. “Okay, that’s more fucking like it.”
Ross laughed. Finally. It sounded like a pressure valve letting off steam.
“So all that was because you thought everyone was failing you once more. Nothing ever works out for you and your pity party ended when you just ran away? You do realize how stupid all that sounds, I hope? One phone call and you’d have gotten another job. Better than Zenith or at the very least, equal to it. Maybe after a few days. But no more than that. And what about me? What did I have to do with your crying jag in self-defeat?”
“Well, if you pretend nothing matters, you soon believe nothing matters. I just pretended.”
“Are you still pretending?”
“When I realized what I might have done to you? No. No, I’m not pretending now. Only you matter to me now.”
She snorted. “That’s better. But I doubt I can trust you again.” He tensed and she sighed. “For God’s sake, relax. I am allowed to be mad and I need more time to work through it without worrying that you could be leaving or throwing your poor, sad self out a penthouse window from misery. Yeah, you hurt me. Might take more than a day to get over it.”
“What? How can I help?”
“First you have to locate all the women you’ve slept with and tell them to get tested.”
“I know. I know. Should I tell them all in person?”
“No, a simple phone call will do.”
He glanced away. “There are some I know I can’t find. I never knew more than their first names. They were from out of town or I was when I met them.”
“I get that. I have a few of those myself.”
“What should I do?”
“Nothing. What more could you do?”
“But doesn’t that make me worse?”
“It makes you human. Humans like to have sex. We all take the same risk. We should assume we will also take the responsibility of getting tested. I get tested yearly. But this was the first time I’ve ever had to worry. Hopefully, they will have the same results that I got.”
“I feel like shit. For doing that.”
“I appreciate it. I’m grateful to know you aren’t callous about it but you will have to forgive yourself for having consensual sex with only first names. There’s no way to find someone who doesn’t want you to.”
He rubbed his face. “I never thought I’d be that guy.”
“There is no type of guy for this. Something happened but it doesn’t change you.”
“I feel changed.”
“That’s personal growth. At least, you’re smart enough to learn from this experience. As terrible as it is, you chose not to ruin your life but to improve it. I’m quite proud of you for doing that.”
He smiled and touched her face, looking into her eyes. “Your pride means a lot to me.”
“Good. Now for part two.”
“Part two?”
“You have to take me to your hometown. We need to get your stuff. And you can tell me all about your brother and your parents. I need to know the rest of the story so I can fully understand your reaction to hearing Rob’s news that Jaxon was going to come back as the drummer and you had to find a new placement. I have to know why you did that to me. I have to reassure myself it won’t happen again and I can only see that happening if you work out your shit. You’ve let it all go for far too long. So we start there.”
He blinked in surprise. “Go back home with me?”
“Unless you would rather walk out that door right now. In which case, you’ll not hear another word from me. Or my family. Or Zenith’s Promise. I’m getting exhausted with your games. I feel sorry, worried and anxious for you now because of your HIV diagnosis. But that does not forgive your bad behavior.”
Had anyone ever called him out on his behavior, or acted like they even cared about it? She didn’t think so.
“Okay. Yeah.”
She put a hand up. “No, you have to clarify your intentions. You will or will not walk out that door?”
“I will not.”
“You will behave better from now on, yes or no?”
“Yes. I want to behave better.”
“You will not be so fucking mean again, yes or no?”
“No.”
“No, what? We are clearly stating our intentions so that we both know exactly where we stand no matter where it might end up.”
Jody was serious. Ross chewed on a lip but he repeated, “No, I will not be so fucking mean again.”
She gave him a terse nod.
He put up a hand. “But what if I do it accidentally?”
She snorted. “Then we’ll assume you emotionally never developed beyond the first grade and did not learn to treat others as you want to be treated. But I’d first consider not walking out.”
“What if what you call me being mean, treating you badly, is the same way I think I should be treated?” His voice dropped lower.
Sighing, she sat beside him. “Well, we’re laying it out here. Finally. Why don’t we discuss that? The roots of your self loathing. Starting with your mom’s hatred toward you. Something to do with your brother’s death. Why don’t you just tell me what happened?”
He nodded. “I don’t think my parents ever liked me.”
“Why would you say something like that?” Jody immediately challenged him. Setting her small hand on his wrist, she continued, “Despite the way you chose to introduce yourself, there is plenty to like, otherwise I would not be here. Come on, that should fortify your self-esteem right there. I don’t bother with petty bullshit. You are real, honest and genuine, whether you are wonderful or mean. Always authentic. Full of energy and verve. Talented. Why would you say your parents never liked you?”
“I was always fidgety and itching to do things. Anything at all. I was loud and rambunctious, demanding their time and attention and new things to do. I wouldn’t behave for my mom. Anytime. Anywhere.”
Snort. “Oh, so you were like a usual kid? Perhaps some effective discipline and boundaries could have sufficed. If your mother failed to apply them, that was her issue, not yours, since you were only a kid.”
“I got into lots of trouble, although I don’t remember being vindictive. I mean, I don’t think I intended to be bad. But I was always getting into trouble. Being yelled at. I annoyed them. Especially my mother. I don’t think she wanted me when she got pregnant. Without a doubt, she didn’t like me. I didn’t imagine that, Jody.”
“Okay, probably not,” Jody conceded. “Maybe she was an awful woman who should never have had kids. Not all people make good parents.”<
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“Nah. Roland proved otherwise.”
“Your brother?”
He smiled before it faded. “Yeah.”
She sucked in air and leaned forward to take his hand. “What was Roland like?”
“My polar opposite. Quiet. Introspective. Small. Kind of mousy. He might have been bullied or picked on if I weren’t his brother. That’s about the only thing I did do right; I didn’t tolerate anyone fucking with Roland. All the playgrounds and parks and schools were aware of that. I was bigger and tougher…” The ghost of a smile touched his lips. “I was pretty well known for being mean.”
Jody let out a small laugh. “In that particular case, I’m glad you were.”
“And my mother adored Roland. He was the baby that I never was for her. Well behaved, mannerly, and always trying to be near her. He was a mama’s boy for sure. I resented it sometimes, but if you knew Roland, it was so hard not to love him. I understood my mom’s feelings. I loved Roland too, despite being crazy jealous.”
“Ross?” Jody’s voice cracked. “You are a good person. You were a good boy, and you loved your brother. Hear the truth in that. Your mother should have loved and cared for both of you equally, exactly as you both were. That was her job as a mother. Not your job to understand it as a son.”
“Your words make sense, but my heart still blames me. I was rotten to the core or something very bad.”
“No!” Jody’s voice was sharp and loud. Clear. Honest. And simple.
“I almost wish I could believe it.”
“What happened to Roland?”
Ross shuddered. “He was three years younger than me. And he always wanted to tag along with me and my friends. We usually ditched him and told him to go away.” He sucked in his sinuses and Jody gripped his hand tighter, realizing the worst part of his story was coming. “If I could undo that now, I’d give my life to have him back. I’d make him feel welcome and show how much I did love him… He was just a little kid brother. And—”
“And you were just an older brother who got annoyed with your kid brother. Totally normal.”
“Well, Mom never thought so. She’d scold me and… well, looking back, she said the wrong things for a mother say to her child. Your mother would never speak the way my mother did to me if it were you or JayJay. But at the time I thought I deserved her wrath. I even agreed with her. Anyway, one day, my two friends and I took our bikes way back in the mountains where we lived. We took old logging roads and started riding up and down the trails we made and found. Roland often tried to follow us up there. He was always too slow and scrawny to keep up. I got so annoyed sometimes that I’d yell at him to go home. I did on that day. I was so mean. Cruel. I told him I didn’t want him near me. He was a baby and babies have to go home to their mommies…”
“But he never made it home.” Jody’s voice broke as she spoke for him softly.
“No. He never did. He rode his bike off a cliff and died on impact.”
“Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, Ross…” Jody’s tears were real, instantaneous and unending. She sniffled and choked as she leaned into him. “Did you find his body?”
“Not at first. We were sent back to find him when it started getting dark. And he still didn’t show up. I was pissed I had to look for him. My parents were livid because I left him up there. My friend followed one of the trails, not one of ours, but a lookout. How he didn’t see the cliff still haunts me. All of it is a mystery. They had to bring in search and recovery units to get him out.”
Jody sobbed for Ross. And for the boy who died in such a tragic way. She also cried for his awful parents who lost their younger son in such an unnecessary accident. Just a fluke of boyhood. God! Oh, God.
Jody hugged Ross tightly. He stared at his feet and hunched forward. Jody didn’t let him go. She scooted around him and stood up on her tiptoes to awkwardly kiss his face, the side of his cheek, his neck, his ear and his hairline. Her tears dampened everywhere she touched. He leaned into her ministrations but didn’t look at her. “How old were you?”
“Fourteen.”
“Roland was eleven?”
“Yes.” His voice shook. Her sobs increased. “He was only eleven when I killed him.”
“Oh, honey, you didn’t kill him. Not at all. No one did. It was just an awful, freakish accident. I don’t deny that. I cry for him, and you and even for your parents. I’m so sorry for them.” She took his face in both her hands and turned him until he was inches from her face. Staring right into his eyes, she said firmly and harshly, “You. Did. Not. Kill. Him.”
He stared at her, his own eyes awash in water, and said softly, “Then he died because of me.”
“No. He died because of a sad, unforeseeable accident.”
“If we had only waited. Or let him join us. Or turned around and took him home.”
“If. If. If. If he had listened to you. If he hadn’t followed you. If he’d listened to your parents. If. It wasn’t his fault and it wasn’t yours. It just happened.”
“She said… my mother said it was my fault.”
“I know that. I see that every time you have an emotional reaction as an adult. She was wrong. Do you hear me? You need to admit that, and then let it go. Let go of what she once said and stick to the truth. As sad and tragic as you are now, I can’t deny you that. And if and when you feel the need to grieve for Roland, no matter when or how often, I will never say it was your fault. You need to grieve and feel the loss of him. Let the part he once played in your life become part of you. All the guilt and the horrendous burden that your own mother laid on your shoulders was cruel and heartless.”
He darted a look at her and then turned away. “At Roland’s funeral, when we stared down at his still face, she told me, it should have been me.”
Jody sucked in a sharp breath. All the jagged pieces of Ross’s odd personality coagulated right then. Everything became perfectly sharp and clear. “She should never have lost either of her sons. That’s what she should have told you and yelled and cried about. I don’t judge her for her grief, and I can’t imagine her pain, but she should have never aimed her wrath and blame at you. It all but ruined your life. She was wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I get your self hatred and apathy now. You have to hear me and start believing me. You deserve to be here. Alive. Healthy. Exactly as you are. Who you are. What you are.” She tilted her head and rested it on his. Their tear-filled eyes were staring into each other’s. “That’s why I could fall in love with you.”
He shook his head, shaking hers with it. “You can’t love me. I don’t see how anybody could.”
“You’ll literally have to learn how to like yourself. Your mother was so wrong. But I’m right. I can help you. But you have to cooperate or you’ll keep doing stupid, crazy things to punish yourself. In doing so, you also punish me.”
“I don’t want to ever hurt you.”
“Then you have a lot of work to do.”
He sniffed. “When I first read the test results, it seemed like a punishment. Finally, I got what I deserved. My karma, God’s wrath or my destiny, this is what I deserve.”
She shuddered and held him tighter. “It isn’t at all. Thank God you came back to find me.”
“I only came back because I feared I might have hurt you with it.”
“We will both get through this together. But you’ll have to commit to a lot of work.”
Chapter 14
JODY FOLLOWED ROSS OUT of the tiny airport, the antithesis of Sea-Tac. They trailed the other passengers to a simple parking lot where a few transports were coming and going. They found their rented car and the empty land rolled away, lost in all the space and distance. It was pretty though, in a desolate kind of way.
No wonder downtown Seattle was such a shockingly overwhelming experience for Ross. Jody hadn’t allowed him much leeway to adjust. Maybe her expectations for people were too high to begin with. Her high standards needed a few caveats. Maybe they were too exacting. How could she hold others accountable for behavior o
r reactions they weren’t capable of grasping?
“Not much, huh?”
“No. But the land is very pretty.”
He shrugged. “Yeah. I guess so.”
He drove the rented car as he began to talk. “I once had a motorcycle. It was an old thing in need of a complete overhaul. I sold it before I showed up in Seattle.”
“So you did intend to stay there?”
He shrugged. “I think I intended to do something. Even if I wouldn’t admit to it then.”
“How old are you, Ross?”
“Twenty-four.”
“Yeah, getting a little too old to just bounce around and party. Getting laid is fun and amusing. Boozing your way through your twenties easily becomes a habit. Gets old fast. Going nowhere. Time to find something better.”
“I guess so. I just never thought about it too much.”
She glanced out at the town that was half closed up. All the shops were dark, either no lights or boarded-up doors. Only the hair and nail salon and the barber appeared to still be in business. Also a florist and video game arcade, a small grocery store and a bar.
“Is that where you tended bar?”
“Yep. That’s it.”
The Red Zone was literally no more than a hole-in-the-wall. A single door into the old brick building that was several stories tall. Perhaps there were rented apartments on the upper floors. There were a couple of thrift stores on the street, and several more that looked shut down. The bygone days when they were still open was visible in the windows or etched into the doors. The whole town seemed rather quaint and very dated, as if it belonged to a time capsule from long ago. Decades maybe. Now, that it was crumbling and decayed, it looked tired, worn, and confused compared to the modern conveniences and happenings of the outside world.