Accidentally in Love With a God (2012)

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  A hard knock at the door pulled me away from fantasy land. Maybe it was Tommaso coming to make peace. My stomach did a little twist-and-shout at the thought of seeing him. “Come in,” I said loudly, still perched on my step stool.

  The door slowly creaked opened, and in stepped a petite redhead with bright turquoise eyes, wearing tight black leather pants, a pink angora sweater with a giant glittery heart across the chest, and black leather boots. Her flame-colored hair, straight and flat, was cut in a Cleopatra style bob and she wore several jeweled bobby pins at her temples. Stripper meets girl next door?

  The room instantly flooded with her presence, and from the look on her determined face, she wasn’t here for that double-chocolate fudge brownie recipe I was just drooling over.

  “Don’t just stand there, girl,” she whispered coldly, hanging halfway through the door. “Get your ass over here. Let’s go.” She snapped her fingers and pointed to the floor directly in front of her.

  No. She did not just call me like a dog. Okay. Yes. Yes, she did. “Snapping only works if you rub my tummy and give me a treat. Did you bring one?”

  The woman stared with confusion.

  “Didn’t think so,” I said. “Why don’t you try telling me who you are, then?” I hopped off the stool, considering the option of using it as a weapon.

  The room, now stuffed with her ill-omened energy, closed in on me. Just then I realized she was one of them. Guy’s kind. I could feel it in my bones.

  “I don’t have time for this,” she scowled. She walked over and stared at my face. We were exactly the same height. “Listen you idiot. They’ll be here any second, and if you don’t want to end up having your throat slit, then you’d better hurry.”

  “Guy’s goon squad?” I asked. “They want to kill me?”

  “Not those tame little zookeepers, girl, the Maaskab.” She started toward the door, motioning for me to follow.

  I felt my skin crawl. I had no idea who this woman was, but she didn’t give me warm-fuzzies. For all I knew she was working for the Maaskab or for the monster in my dream. Christ! That’s when I remembered. The monster had said someone was coming for me. How in the world could I have forgotten that? “Who the hell are you, and how do you know they’re coming?” I asked.

  “I’ve been watching and tracking them. Not so easy, either. They’ve been learning how to create portals and putting them all over the stupid planet. Not even I can do that! Dammit! Though, they’re not very good at it yet. The portals don’t stay open long, so it makes them easier to corner when I pick them off. And by picking off, I mean I sometimes run them over with my Jeep and lob hand grenades.”

  She shrugged casually. “Good times.” She froze and stared out the window as if listening to something, and then she snapped back to life. “But all play and no work, makes me a lazy…fork? Dork?” She scratched her temple. “What word rhymes with work?”

  I stared blankly trying to figure out what to do or how to answer. This lady was crazy. “Lurk?” I answered hesitantly, trying to buy a little time to think.

  “No! There is no time for lurking,” she barked. “There’s an army surrounding this place as we speak, and I can’t fight them all. We have to run.”

  Crazy was too kind. She was bat-shit crazy. “But this place is as secure as the White

  House—”

  “Oh, for the love of gods. If my brother didn’t need you for his eternal happiness, and spiritual growth, and blah, blah, love, blah, blah…” She stormed across the room again. I wanted to back away, but there was nowhere for me to go; I was cornered by the wall and the bookshelf. The redhead grabbed my shoulder. I stared into her incensed eyes as they turned confused.

  “What the—it’s not working.” She glared at her hands.

  Then I realized she was trying to do that Vulcan grip thing on me like Guy had done. Not good. With my luck, I’d wake up in two days chained to a rock in a cave somewhere. No thanks.

  I took advantage of her momentary distraction and slid several large books from the shelf. She let out a tiny curse as they hit her on the head. That split second was long enough for me to sidestep past her and bolt for the door.

  “Tommaso!” I screamed as I made it out to the hall. I was almost to the staircase when she sacked me from behind. I landed palms down on the tiled floor.

  “No you don’t, little girl,” she scathed. “I’m turning up the volume, and you’re coming with me.” As her hands hit my ankles, a numbing sensation crawled up my legs. She’d apparently got her hands working again. Lucky me.

  I twisted onto my back and wiggled one leg away, but the sensation was slowly traveling up my thigh. I couldn’t kick her like she deserved. That felt very disappointing.

  I heard the thunder of loud footsteps rolling through the great room below toward the bottom of the stairs. I knew it was Tommaso and the other men. “Now you’re going to get it!” I growled.

  The redhead looked down at me, raining irritation. “Yeah, right. I’ve been wishing for someone to give ‘it’”— she made quotation marks in the air with her hands—“to me for hundreds of centuries, and suddenly you think those mongrels can do the job? The only thing I’m going to get is exiled by Votan for hurting his little Uchi-pets and not rescuing his demigoddess.”

  Was Votan Guy’s real name? And did this crazy woman just say “hundreds of centuries”? And was she talking about sex? Who the hell was his demigoddess?

  “Cimil, let Emma go,” Tommaso ordered from the bottom of the stairs.

  “I don’t take orders from humans,” Cimil hissed. She leaped over me, bounding down the stairs. The grunting and screaming started immediately. As for me, I could barely move. The numbness was spreading through my body like poison.

  I managed to flop onto my stomach and drag my way to the top of the stairs where a tiny click, click, click like a marble bouncing caught my attention. The amulet Tommaso gave me had come loose and was rolling down the stairs. I figured I’d retrieve it later...if I was still alive, because down below, chaos ensued.

  At least a dozen men were being tossed about the room like rag dolls. Oddly enough, they didn’t appear to be attacking Cimil, but were instead defending themselves. Well, attempting to defend themselves. Very unsuccessfully. Within sixty seconds, Cimil was doubled over laughing in the center of the room that now looked like it had been hit by the Tasmanian Devil. Like the other men, Tommaso was lying on his back holding his head between his hands.

  Cimil crouched over Tommaso, gleefully took him by the neck, and then lifted him with one hand. She shook him violently. “You need to learn your manners. I am your master too, and don’t you ever forget it.”

  “I have no master!” he croaked, gasping and clawing at her hands.

  Her face went stone cold. There was no doubt in my mind she’d kill him. In that moment, something powerful began percolating deep within the pit of my stomach. It was that same sensation I’d had earlier when Tommaso lost his temper and kissed me. It was as if a circuit had been tripped, activating some sort of dormant energy. The numbing pain began to dissipate from my body as my muscles vibrated and tingled with energy.

  I swooped down the stairs and struck Cimil square in the face with my closed fist. She instantly released Tommaso, who collapsed on the floor, and flew back.

  “Are you okay?” I bent over him, unsure exactly what to do. He was still breathing, but unconscious. From the corner of my eye, I saw Cimil rise from the floor. I braced myself for a fight, a fight I was sure I’d lose. But instead of charging after me, she was laughing again.

  “You pack quite a punch, little girl,” she said rubbing her jaw. “That’s a damned good thing because they’re here.” She swiveled her head, taking stock of the stunned men. “Get up you idiots. You’re not going to leave us ladies to fight them alone, are you? The gods only know what surprises they’ll be bring for us today.” She plucked a gun from the floor.

  The guards got up, shaking off their shock, and reached fo
r their weapons.

  Was I missing something? She’d just broken into Guy’s house to kidnap me, beat the pulp out of a dozen rather deadly-looking men with her bare hands, almost broke Tommaso’s neck, and now, she was giving orders and they were listening? Not to mention, readying to fight at her side?

  What planet were these people from?

  Then I remembered I’d just nearly gotten myself killed, defending one of my captors. What planet was I from? Everything felt so messed up.

  Cimil took several steps toward me and then glanced down at unconscious Tommaso. “Put him into the closet; he’ll be out of the way there until this is over.”

  “What’s going to happen?” It was a stupid question, I know. Those Maaskab were coming for me and were, apparently, bad enough that Guy’s men preferred to fight at this crazy redheaded demon’s side than take them on alone. It felt like a competition for the evil, eviler, and evilest. I just hoped my team was the evilest. Go team?

  I grabbed all two hundred plus pounds of Tommaso by the wrists and clumsily slid him across the tiled floor to a large closet on the far end of the room. I folded his legs and used the door to scoot the rest of him inside. He barely fit.

  The other men, all brandishing various guns and swords, gathered around Cimil in a circle. She pointed at the individuals, giving each tactical instructions. Then she pivoted toward me. “You, girl. Come here.”

  She didn’t snap this time. Smart move. But even if she had, I might have listened; I was scared out of my mind, and she seemed like the only person who knew what to do.

  She flicked her thumb over the blade of a hunting knife in her hand, testing its edge. “The Maaskab are exceptionally unpredictable and dangerous. So, stay behind us. Understand?” She handed me the knife handle first.

  “I can take care of myself,” I declared confidently and took the weapon. And I’m not even hiccuping!

  “If they’re dangerous for me, they’re deadly for you. Don’t argue, you naïve child.”

  This lady was unbelievable. “Who are you?”

  She paused and puckered her lips before answering. “Some call me Yum-Cimil, others Ah-Puch,” she rolled her eyes then planted one hand on her hip, tapping her fingers in a wave pattern. “I hate that name. Why couldn’t they name me Kitty? Or Bubbles? Damned Mayans were so dismal. And, anyone can see I’m a magnificent female. Not a man!” She shrugged. “Anyhooo, you can call me auntie, or…oh, oh, I know!” She jumped up and clapped. “Sister!”

  “Huh?”

  Her smile melted away into a frown. “Do you know how to braid hair? Cuz if you don’t, I’m not going to sleep over no matter how many strippers Ix Chel invites,” she scowled.

  Bat-shit crazy did not do her insanity justice. I’d have to come up with an entirely new definition for her. Later, of course. Because there was a pack of evil priests coming.

  Suddenly, I couldn’t think; the eleven voices filled my head with blood-curdling screams. I resisted falling to my knees and instead cupped my hands over my ears, which did absolutely nothing, because the Maaskab were here.

  As best I could, I pushed the howling voices to the back of my mind. I needed to focus if I wanted to survive.

  With a potency ten times stronger than Cimil’s, an unsettling static fill the air. The hairs on my neck stood up like porcupine quills and goose bumps covered my body, even in the unmentionable cracks—a new one for me. Then the house filled with a smell so vile, I retched. “What the hell is that? Month old road kill?” I asked, pinching my nose.

  Cimil didn’t turn to face me as she spoke. “Try centuries old. They never bathe; they believe it weakens their powers.”

  Yuck. I hoped I wasn’t going to have to touch any of them. And “centuries old?” What the hell were they? Again, I found myself asking what planet I was on. Yes, my grandmother had spoken of other worlds, but did this have to be what she meant? Why couldn’t I get something more like Willy Wonka’s candy playground with the chocolate river and gummy grass? This world sucked.

  The few remaining unbroken lamps flickered off, and I felt the trickle of nervous sweat channeling down the small of my back. My eyes darted around the disheveled room, trying to anticipate which crevice these monsters would spring from.

  There was the enormous fireplace directly behind me, the floor-to-ceiling windows occupying the entire left side of the room, and a small triangular half-wall to my right where the stairs were. Directly in front, across the room, were two open doorways and the closet where Tommaso “snoozed.” My money was on the window, but Cimil and the men formed a line, facing the doorways.

  “Here they come,” one of the men whispered as the air in the room began whipping around us with a brutal chill.

  Then, the first of the Maaskab appeared.

  “What…the…” I took several steps back. Hiccup! Hiccup!

  The almost naked man—if he could be called a man—materialized like an apparition, occupying the entire space of the doorway.

  His hair, made of long black ropes, hung to his waist and was caked with the same black mud that clung to his entire putrid smelling body. Foul vapors rose from his powerful shoulders like steam from a subway manhole in winter. He was wearing nothing but a black animal-hide loincloth, and in each hand he held a machete covered with what looked like…dried blood? His eyes were pits of black and crimson, and a dark shadow hugged the air around him as he stood calmly surveying each person in the room.

  It looked like he was trying to figure out who he’d kill first.

  “Holy….” Hiccup! Hiccup!

  His feral eyes sifted through the wall of guards and zeroed in me. The room melted away as he held me in his rabid, bloodthirsty gaze. “We are here for the Payal,” he said in a gravelly voice.

  Payal?

  “I might let you have her,” Cimil said cheerfully. “But you’ll have to tell me why you want her. She doesn’t even braid hair.”

  The monster’s empty gaze crawled toward Cimil. “There will be no negotiations. The Payal belongs to us. Give her to me, or I will kill you all.”

  Cimil chuckled. “Idiot. You can’t kill me. I thought you’d bring a better game than that, Pig Pen.”

  The man reached behind his waist and pulled out what looked like a ball of string threaded with tiny black beads. He held it to his mouth and whispered into it.

  “Creepy. Just—creepy.” I shuddered.

  Then the large glass window shattered to our left, and all hell broke loose. The last thing I remember was the room filling with men who looked like death incarnate and that ball of string being tossed into the air.

  Chapter TWENTY-ONE

  In a fit of rage and agonizing worry, Guy arrived at the villa, finding his worst fears had come true. None of the guards had been answering their phones for hours, and the gate had been left wide open with no one stationed at the entry post.

  His black Hummer screeched up the hill toward the house. “No! No! No!” He leaped from the vehicle, engine still running, and bolted inside.

  The entire villa looked like it had been tipped upside down, rolled down a mountain, then worked over with a sledge hammer. Every pane of glass shattered. Every door unhinged. Every piece of furniture splintered. And there was a giant gaping hole in the roof above the kitchen.

  “Emma!” He scrambled from room to room, searching for any sign of life. There were several dead Uchben lying in the corner draped over a pile of black meat—it was the remains of a Maaskab. “Emma!” he screamed again, as he charged through the great room, up the stairs, leaping over several more decimated Maaskab bodies.

  He arrived to her slightly ajar bedroom door, bracing for the worst. His heart sank at the thought of losing her, at having failed to protect her. Not once during his entire existence had he ever felt such a sense of loss for a human. But then again, she wasn’t just any human, she was his feisty little Emma—who he now needed to free the other gods.

  He pushed open the door and found something he didn’t expec
t: there, embracing, were Emma and Tommaso. Her face was a picture of contentment; his face was nestled in her soft copper curls. They hadn’t even heard him screaming.

  She’s mine! Blind rage encased him as he stormed over and grabbed the back of Tommaso’s black t-shirt, dragging him off her. “I’ll kill you! I’ll bloody kill you!” he screamed at the disoriented Tommaso.

  Emma grabbed Guy’s thick arm, trying to tug Tommaso free from the enormous, seething warrior. “Let go.”

  Panting, Guy turned his head toward Emma, not relinquishing the gasping Tommaso who, though a large man himself, looked like a toy soldier in comparison. “He was supposed to protect you, not fuck you!”

  “What the hell is your problem?” Emma screamed, pounding her fists into his upper arm. “He nearly died trying to save me from Cimil, and then those monsters showed up. And where the hell were you? You left me here to die! You fucking bastard! I hate you! The one time I needed you, and you weren’t even here!”

  He turned his anger toward the woman roaring in his face and tossed Tommaso to the bed. “Why was he touching you like that?” he yelled.

  “So what if he did?” Emma shouted. “You don’t own me!”

  “Yes, I do! You’re mine. And don’t ever forget it!” The muscles palpitated in his neck.

  “Are you delusional? I’m not your damned property! And did you happen to notice there’s a pile of dead bodies outside? Or, that we’re the only two people left standing? That’s because he saved me, not fucked me, you stupid, arrogant, control freak.” She poked him with one defiant finger in the chest and glared with her dark green eyes.

  Despite his almost seven feet in height and two-hundred-and-seventy pounds of pure muscle, he began to feel small. He felt petty and foolish, too. Dammit. Sometimes, he just plain sucked.

  Guy’s harsh expression softened. He pulled Emma to him and pressed his lips to hers. She squirmed under his immobilizing grasp, but he didn’t feel like letting her go. Not quite yet. He desperately needed to kiss her. He’d carried the constant thought of doing so ever since he’d pulled her from the cenote. He’d thought about doing other things to her, too, but now wasn’t the time to attempt that impossible mountain. It was, however, time to savor the taste of her lips, the feel of her body pressed to his. Gods she was delicious. He felt himself beginning to harden for her.