Passionate Kisses

by Various

'Dinner 6:30?'

  I think this over. Well, I have to eat. And I could share my new plan with him. Maybe we can finally talk getting more passion in our lives. Suddenly, I think about my lunch with Ryan and feel guilty about my attraction to him.

  Nothing happened. He is a colleague who expressed interest in me. In fact, he was quite the gentleman about the whole thing. That's all. My lips tingle with the memory of his touch. Well yeah, except the part when you said that your relationship was at the end of its course. My insides cringe at that one.

  I sit and think about that for a minute. I have no idea how I feel about any of this, and I at least owe it to Darren to have dinner with him tonight and see what happens.

  ~~~~~~~~

  Darren's plan is for us to meet at my place and he’s going to wine and dine me. While riding the elevator up to the second floor, I wonder where he’s going to take me for dinner. As the doors open, the smell of extremely good food hits me. Take out?

  He is sitting by the door reading a magazine with two brown paper bags sitting next to him. He looks up from his reading.

  "Hi! I thought we could eat in tonight." He grins a little, looking a little unsure of himself.

  "Why are you waiting out here? Did you lose your key?" I ask, confused to find him sitting outside for the second time in a row.

  "No. Just didn't bring it." He stands up.

  "Uh. Okay. Well, it smells good." I hide my disappointment and open the locked door. Darren breezes in and busies himself in the kitchen. At least there are no comments about my heels this time.

  Changing my clothes, I’m a little unsure about what to wear. I'm guessing sweats and a T-shirt are out, but dressy would be too much. Frustrated at this new uncertainty, I go for jeans and a long sleeve shirt. Comfy, but sexy, I hope.

  Darren puts a chilled glass of white wine in my hand when I walk into the kitchen. I can tell he’s trying hard to apologize for last night. Dinner is from my favorite restaurant, Il Fornaio in Palo Alto. Hot, steamy pasta sits on my plate, a salad bowl waits just next to it, soft music is on in the background. Okay, this will work.

  "This is nice," I say as I sit down. "Did you have a good day?"

  "Yes. I did. Did you?" He joins me at the table. As usual, he looks immaculate. Not enough hair to be out of place, open collared shirt, creased slacks. He could fit in anywhere.

  "I did, actually. I’ve made some serious progress on my event, and I made some serious decisions about my future," I say this with a false bravado, waiting for his reaction.

  "Oh?"

  I can tell he is holding back, as his voice is steady but his shoulders slump just a little as his face hardens.

  "Yep. I’m going to intern at a law office this summer and sit in on some law classes at Stanford." I sip my wine, more for courage than for want of wine. My insides squirm and I wonder why I am so nervous telling him this.

  He sets down his fork and looks at me. "Really? Wow, Nora, how are you going to manage that? Is this a reaction to our fight?"

  He looks pissed and I’m baffled. Why should he be pissed because I want to explore this more seriously? I thought he would be pleased; no more whining. He scoffs and says under his breath, "Or an overreaction, I should say."

  That last comment just knocks the wind out of my sails. I feel the energy draining out of me. If it had been liquid, it would be puddling on the floor at my feet. He looks at me and his face softens.

  "I just meant I don't see how you’re going to fit that in with everything else. And, an internship this summer—I don't even know how to begin looking for one now. It's so late."

  I know he’s just trying to be nice, but it doesn't revive me. I see how ridiculous it all sounds. Hundreds of law students look for internships, who would hire me? Maybe, just maybe, this fall I could sit in on a class, but anything beyond that, forget it. He’s right.

  I take another sip of wine. All of a sudden I feel so tired. My new found passion for life slips away from my grasp. I almost see it evaporating. I don't know what to say so I eat more food, suffocating the smoldering fire within.

  "Well, whatever, it was just an idea. Tell me about your day?" I spin my fork around the pasta, hoping we can stop talking about me.

  Darren starts telling me about an account he is working on with Brad. They work well together and have come up with some creative ideas. The more he talks, the more animated he becomes. I eat, hoping to recover my mood, but the air just keeps rushing out. It's as if I have a big gaping hole inside me.

  "I really think that this is the one that’s going to get me that promotion. I know Brad is eager too. He has a baby on the way and needs it. We make a great team!" Darren finishes his story with a flourish. He looks great, sitting up tall, puffed up, his eyes alight with enthusiasm. I try to muster up some energy for him, but it is so very hard.

  "That's great honey. I know you deserve it." I stand to clear the table.

  "I know, right. If anyone deserves it, it's me. No one has worked harder or is better suited for this one." He stands and pours himself more wine.

  Distant memories of dancing with my sexy stranger swim in my head. Looking at Darren, I see that passion. He really is good looking, especially when infused with this enthusiasm. My stomach clenches and grips my insides. That is what I want, what I am missing. I want that passion for what I do, my job, my life. Maybe I can rekindle something from that night.

  "Yeah. Sounds like you have a lot of passion for this new account." I smile at him.

  "What? Are you even listening to me?" He looks annoyed.

  "Um. Yeah, you know, passion for your work. That’s what I was talking about earlier; passion."

  "I'm trying to talk to you about my career. God, Nora, don't you even care about it?" He turns and marches to the kitchen.

  Standing next to the dining room table I try to figure out what the hell just happened. I was listening to him talk about his job and future dreams, of course, I was trying to talk about mine, but that didn't last long.

  “What just happened?” I ask slowly.

  “Really, Nora? That tone of yours just kills me every time,” he answers behind me.

  Tone? What tone? I walk into the kitchen determined to get to the bottom of this. Darren is standing near the fridge, watching me.

  “And don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, either,” he says with a sneer.

  “Darren. I can honestly tell you I have no idea what the hell you’re upset about. I just said I think it’s great you have such passion for your job. I want the same, you know.” Crossing my arms, I lean against the doorway facing him.

  “And there it is, Ladies and gentlemen!” He almost shouts. “God knows we can’t have a fucking conversation in this house without talking about your fucking job and law school.”

  Whoa! Who is this man, and why am I allowing him to treat me this way? I stand there with my mouth hanging open, waiting. But what am I waiting for?

  "Get out!" I seethe the words, no longer thinking. "Get out of my house!"

  Every cell in my body is alive. This feels right. Suddenly, the last three years of swallowing my opinions and ideas and dreams come flooding back. The man standing before me is vile and I need him out of my sight.

  "Nora, Jesus. What has gotten into you lately? Calm down. You're scaring me." He holds up his hands.

  So many emotions come crashing down; I can hardly speak let alone think. I feel so alone in this relationship. I know it’s not entirely his fault, but God dammit, this can’t be good for either of us.

  "You know what, Darren, you’re a selfish bastard. You can’t even let me talk about one God damn thing. Get the fuck out of my house before I really lose it."

  I am panting now and know that I must be shouting, but I can't hear it. I feel like I’m talking softly, but my blood is pounding in my ears, my heart is bursting through my chest, and my head feels like it’s on fire. Rage takes over my entire body.

  Darren’s look turns to ice. "W
hat the fuck, Nora?”

  A pained look crosses his face. He closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. When he looks up, he looks hurt. “You really want me to go?"

  This throws me. He looks so hurt my heart pulls and the anger dissipates somewhat with that look.

  He takes a few steps toward me, "What is wrong with you? You’re really starting to freak me out.” He reaches up and strokes my shoulders.

  Again, I feel the balloon deflate. It's all too much for me to deal with, and my body starts to shake uncontrollably. I feel the unwanted tears in my eyes. I don't want to cry in front of him again, I just want to be alone.

  "Please, Darren. Thank you for dinner. Please leave me alone right now. I need to be alone." I say this as calmly as I can.

  "No you don't. You're just upset. I have more plans for tonight. We're not done yet." He looks bewildered.

  Of course he has plans for this evening. And of course he wants to continue with the plans, even though this night has been wrecked beyond repair. The man doesn’t have a spontaneous bone in his body. He has to play by the book.

  I walk to the front door and open it. "Please go now. I'll clean up. Leave."

  He stares at me, blinking.

  "Whatever, Nora." He grabs his coat and walks out. I slam the door behind him.

  Alone at last, I wrap my arms around my waist and sink to the floor.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  "Yes I understand." I dig my fingers into my eyes, hoping the pain will keep me from shouting. When I look up, Ryan is still sitting across from me, waiting impassively. How can he look so calm? It's maddening.

  "We are doing our best, Miss Young. Please, rest assured we are tracking the shipment now. When we locate the driver, we will call you back and let you know." Mrs.-I-should-have-never-been-put-in-customer-service clips back to me over the speakerphone.

  "Okay. But please understand we need these delivered today. It's Friday, we need them before the weekend."

  "Yes, we understand. We do not guarantee deliveries by a certain time."

  Oh, it's exasperating! Ryan looks almost amused. I am not. This entire week has been nothing but one jolt to the system after another. I had high hopes for today but sadly, it's after 12:30 and I don't see any improvement.

  Hanging up the phone I take a deep breath.

  "To answer your question, Mr. Cole, the marketing materials have not arrived yet." I try to smile, but it doesn't work.

  He laughs. "Yeah, I got that. But hey, aside from threatening them with a lawsuit, you pulled everything else. I liked when you quoted their own policy to her. That was brilliant!"

  I pause, adjusting my papers on my desk. Well, at least he’s not mad at me about it.

  "So, what's left?" I ask him.

  He waits and watches me. "You really don't like taking compliments, do you?"

  I look up at him, startled. When did he give me a compliment? I love compliments!

  "Sorry I guess I missed it."

  I’m too frazzled to flirt right now. If this shipment doesn't come in soon, next week will be unbearable. At least it's only Friday. We have until Monday night to pull this off. The file on my desk distracts me.

  "Earth to Nora. Can you hear me?" I look up and Julie is standing at my desk.

  "Oh, hi. Sorry, a little distracted here. What's up?" she gives me a quizzical look.

  "It's time for our staff lunch." Julie announces.

  "Ah. Okay. Staff lunch. Right now? I have a lot of work to do, and Ryan is here." I gesture towards Ryan.

  Julie turns to him. "Yes. Well Ryan, I'm so sorry. This is our Friday staff lunch where we all catch up on our projects and help each other out."

  Ryan looks surprised, but not as surprised as I am. She is lying her ass off. We don't have Friday staff lunches. What the hell is she doing?

  I look at him and say apologetically, "I'm sorry. Can we meet later this afternoon? Maybe, if we’re lucky, I'll know where our shipment is by then and we can catch up. Worst case scenario, it won't arrive until Monday and we’re up all night putting them together. Either way, everything will be done by Tuesday."

  He looks displeased, but smiles and stands up.

  "Of course. I need to get back to the office anyway. Call me later and we can meet again." He turns and walks out of the room.

  When I’m sure he’s gone, I turn to Julie, "What the hell was that? We don't have staff lunches."

  Julie looks at me with a tense expression. "We do today. Come on sister. We need to talk. You, me, and Sophia. Right now. Food is in her office."

  She drags me out of the room and marches me down the hall. Sure enough, Sophia is waiting with three burrito bowls sitting on her conference table alongside tall glasses of lemonade, napkins, and forks.

  "Sit," Sophia commands when I come in. I comply, wondering what I did to inspire such a meeting.

  "Okay. Spill the beans," Sophia says when all three of us are settled.

  "Spill the beans about what?" I ask, truly baffled.

  "Come on, Nora. What happened with Darren last night? You guys never see each other on Thursdays, and you’ve been fighting all week. You can't seem to separate from Mr. Tall and Gorgeous Cole. And, you’ve been out of sorts, big time." Julie looks stern, like a grade school teacher scolding a student.

  Oh! That's what this is all about. Jeez. I thought I was holding it all together. So much for that.

  "Did you guys break up? You’ve been wearing heels all week!" Sophia squeaks.

  I can't help but start cracking up. "You guys are insane. This is what your special meeting is about? Because I’ve been wearing heels? I'm not wearing them today." I feel myself relax for the first time in a while and dig into my food. Well, they accomplished one thing; they got me to eat.

  Still chewing, I look up and they’re both staring at me.

  "Okay, okay. Darren has been freaky this week. And I mean freaky. One minute he’s calm and collected and the next minute he’s yelling at me because I’m wearing high heels, telling me how horrible I look."

  Sophia gasps. "He said that? That you look horrible?"

  "Yeah. Just in the shoes, though. He hates it when I wear them; thinks I'm tall enough." I pause to eat more lunch. It's good and I realize that I’m hungry. "We had a fight last night and I kicked him out."

  I wait for that to sink in.

  "What was your fight about?" Julie still looks stern, but she too is enjoying her food.

  "Well. Here's the thing. I don’t really know. But what I can say is that I’m tired of living like this. As if I’m skipping over the water, not really getting wet. I tried to express that to him, but every time he just freaks out. Like, why would me going to law school make him mad? You know what he said? He said that it was too late for law school now. That now we just needed to move on to the married with kids part of life. Um, excuse me, I’m only 24 years old. On what planet is that too old?"

  "So that was your fight? He wants to get married?" Julie sits back and sips her lemonade.

  "No. He doesn't want to get married. He won't even move in with me. Nope. The fight was just that I wanted to talk about getting on with my life, but I think he kinda likes the old me.” I feel myself getting all worked up again. Damn. I did not want to get re-mad about this.

  "Okay, wait. Your fight was because he wants things to stay the same, and you want to get married?" Sophia asks.

  "NO! I do not want to get married," I shout. Breathing, I lower my voice. "No. I want to go back to law school. I told him I wanted to work toward that goal, that I had a plan. And he just got pissed."

  "Well, Nora. About time you noticed that. Every time you ever bring up anything you want to do, he shuts you down." Sophia digs into the remains of her burrito bowl.

  "Well," Julie says. "He just has this thing where, when you’re feeling really good and pumped up, he rags on you until you sort of deflate, and then he gets all pumped up, and the rest of the time is all about him and his career, or his sport, or what
ever, but all about him. Am I right?"

  "Yeah," I say remembering last night. "I started out the evening determined and happy, and then the more I felt the wind knocked out of me, the bigger he got. But here's the thing, Darren can be great. I really wanted to share this with him, but he’s just not interested in going there with me.”

  "Yep!" Julie says, looking quite stern again.

  “That’s what we’re talking about.” Sophia looks at me.

  I nod my head thinking about what they are saying. "Last week at the club, something happened to me. I feel like I’ve been coasting, and now I want to actually live! But whenever I bring this up with Darren, he freaks out. I can’t explain it.” Feeling like a crazy person and sounding insane, I take another deep breath. "I don't know how to explain it." I pause to gather my thoughts because I've never really articulated this before. "I just feel like I should be able to tell my boyfriend what I want and be heard! That’s just not happening. And now, I am reevaluating everything about my life. My job, my plan, my boyfriend. Hell, even my friends!" I hope this will make them laugh.

  "Your friends, huh?" Julie tries to maintain her stern look, but I see her smile.

  "Yeah, and so far you guys are passing with flying colors. Thanks. And then," I continue, flashing on the look Ryan gave me when he said I looked great in heels, "Mr. Ryan Cole comes in here, all tall and gorgeous and such a pain in the ass. And all he does is make these feelings stronger. It's like he's here showing me how much more there is out there. But I'm stuck! Stuck in this job. Stuck in this so-called relationship." I shake my head and finish my lemonade then put down my cup.

  "Wow. Okay, so you don't want to settle anymore and you want to go to law school. I see nothing wrong in that. Do you, Soph?"

  "Nope. I think that's great. How can we help?" Sophia turns to me and smiles.

  "Thanks guys. So you two really don't like Darren, huh?" Now that the cats out of the bag, I want to know what they think. The real deal this time.

  "It's not that we don't like him, we just don't like how he treats you these days," Julie says as she starts to clean up.