Where Did It All Go Right?

by Andrew Collins

  Monday, 12 January

  This morning our class went swimming for the first time (I’ve never been to a swimming pool before). I can’t swim so I started at the shallow end (3ft). I used arm bands to start with and then I used just one and I can nearly do the breast stroke. After school Wilson came round and we did our RE and history homework. After my tea (lovely toast) I remembered about my Identi-Kit5 so Dad got it out of the cupboard and I’ve made loads of faces up. Tonight I watched Ask the Family and Z Cars, then while Simon read to Dad downstairs I read my comics.

  Wednesday, 21 January

  This morning Simon got his Action Man book delivered. This afternoon we did cookery and we made lovely cheese and potato pie. Wilson didn’t come to school but I went round his and I let him borrow my Dr No book to read and he let me borrow his Live and Let Die and Man with the Golden Gun. I ate some of my cheese and potato pie for tea. Tonight we saw This Is Your Life (Patrick Mower), Mother Makes Five and brilliant Morecambe & Wise.

  Saturday, 31 January

  This morning when Mum and Dad went shopping Kim came round and we played chess (I lost). Dad got me some library books: Whales, Dolphins and Man, a book about Britain and meat-eaters.6 This afternoon we played a load of records like ‘Make A Daft Noise For Christmas’, ‘In Dulce Jubilo’ and ‘El Bimbo’.7 We watched Play Away and The Mouse Factory, Tom & Jerry, Dr Who and New Faces. Nanny came to baby-sit and we watched the big film.

  Tuesday, 10 February

  Me and Milner let Kim join O.O.A.M.8 and Daniel Harrison (‘DD’) is our ally undercover third year agent. Kim’s code name is ‘Y’. After school I had my hair cut over the road. After tea I played chess with Simon twice then we had a hair wash and came down. I put some Bonjela on my horrible ulcer. We watched Winter Olympics, Ellery Queen and Pro–Celebrity Golf.

  Thursday, 12 February

  I stayed for dinners and I got belly ache. It was very wet so we couldn’t have games so we had brilliant9 cross-country running. We had two laps of the park, one warm-up and another race (I didn’t get puffed out or get stitch). Then we had science and we tested our home-made bricks. Tonight Mum sewed some of my squares for my patchwork draught excluder. Melissa came down so she could watch Top of the Pops. Then we watched Happy Ever After.

  Monday, 1 March

  We had swimming this morning and I stayed for dinners. Ulp! Mr Walman discovered O.O.A.M. He thought it was funny (sweat). Tonight we and Milner made up the Teachers Anti-Mob Association (T.A.M.A.) – Mr Walman, Mr Hanna, Mrs Bream and Mrs Hulland. We’ve done loads to it and Milner says that when he moves10 he will let me have the O.O.A.M. file.

  Tuesday, 2 March

  Wilson and I showed Mr Walman FAB!11 and he showed it to Miss Malins who thought it was very good. I got my Scoop book, Whizz for Atomms (it is great). Milner came round after school. The telly went wrong and all smoke came out of it and tonight when Uncle Brian and Auntie Janis baby-sitted we had to watch the golf on my little portable telly.12

  Thursday, 4 March MY BIRTHDAY

  From Nanny Mabel and Pap Reg two drawing books, a box of paper (memo tank)13 and a brill pack of felt tips. From Dad and Mum I got some drawing inks, a pen and different nibs, a drawing book and The Goodies File book. From Nan and Pap Collins I got £2.00 and £1.50 from Auntie Margaret. From Auntie Janice’s money Dad bought me another new Liverpool mug and two Subbuteo goals. And I’ve still got five presents from my party to come. I got Wilson’s present, some paints.14

  Thursday, 1 April

  I got a letter from Milner (it’s funny! and it’s five pages). This morning I went to Mr Eagland the orthondontic (got it right)15 surgeon. This afternoon we had a four-lap cross-country round the school. When we went down the field tonight Angus said he was coming but he didn’t. AHA! I’ve just remembered I must cover my hymn book, must rush … BYEEE! Oops! Forgot to tell you! Got a new car (yellow Cavalier).

  Tuesday, 6 April

  Usual lessons. Only we missed ALL of French because after assembly Mr Jones had a talk with the boys about someone who went to the loo on the loo floor! After tea Simon went to Cubs16 and I went down the field with Lewis, played boats, on the see-saw etc. Then came back and played darts (Lewis won both games). With 60p of the £1 Dad owed me he bought me The Making of the Movie Jaws.17 I’m going to read it.

  Wednesday, 7 April

  Usual lessons at school. As there is a water shortage Mrs Pearson put out a box for ‘water saving suggestions’.18 Now she is giving out a sheet to everyone. She asked me to draw two illustrations for it. Now all the school will see my drawings. (FANS … AUTOGRAPHS LATER!)

  Tuesday, 13 April EASTER HOLS

  This morning I got a dart in my finger. It hurts a bit. And I painted Salem Witch and I’ve put little strands of glue all around it and it looks like spider webs. WHAT A GENIUS I AM!!

  Friday, 16 April

  This morning Simon and I cleared the cupboard out. Then we went shopping (Simon bought a Look-In and there is a competition in it – you can win a Six Million Dollar Man). This afternoon I painted Godzilla (it looks great!!) and I went down the field and I played with Lewis and Kim (they got soaked). They showed me a brill place for jumping but the bank is giving way. Dad has started putting the paving slabs down for our patio. I’ve just had a drink of cold fizzy pop. I’m just about to start reading Kizzy to Simon.

  Sunday, 18 April

  This morning Simon and I went down the field and Pap was at his allotment so we went up and he has got a bird’s nest with a baby bird in. Simon got soaked when he fell in the stream so he is banned from the field. This afternoon I played with Carl with a load of old sheets. We had great fun. I had a lovely homemade milk shake. Dad has finished our new patio.

  Thursday, 22 April

  Dean came. We went down the field in the morning and found a great den and we got loads of sticks for guns. Trouble is … between 2.30 and 6.00 somebody (we think) raided our den and all guns (except two) were gone. So we found a load more and we’ve hidden them better. And we found a load of Mini-Warlord guns (they are special). We’ve hidden them in our wellies ready for tomorrow. I had a postcard from Milner.

  Wednesday, 5 May

  Last night Liverpool clinched the League Championship by beating Wolves 3–1. Toshack, Kennedy and Keegan scored. YAHOOOO. Cobblers are in the third division next season. DITTO!!!! We had Mrs Peck this afternoon and OOOH! The Queen Mother landed in a helicopter in Abington Park. All our school went. It was a great helicopter. I got Melissa a Paddington book and Simon got a pad and three felt tips and I’m going to make a card now.

  Thursday, 3 June

  Dean stayed all morning and till 3.00. We played down the field all the time in our new tree den. Simon and I made up Warlord Badges.19 You can get them if you do a good thing.

  Tuesday, 8 June

  14/20 in the French test. In history a girl, we think, pressed the fire alarm and everyone went out but it was a false alarm. After tea I went down the field with Gibby20 (Simon went to Cubs) and we found a brill tree/bush which we made into a den with one secret entrance.

  Saturday, 26 June

  It was boiling and I got all sunburnt. We played with Jonathan and Peter21 most of the day. We had the paddling pool out. We went down Pap’s allotment and picked some strawbs. I wrote my letter to Milner. I got some brill flip-flops.

  Tuesday, 29 June

  There was no choir today. At dinner time the ice cream man gave away free broken lollies. I got one. A lemon one. 94/100 in French (joint first with Julie Sharp). Dad got me a folder for my MFCs.22 Kev,23 Gibbs and Kev Jnr came to play. Watched Angels.

  Wednesday, 30 June

  Maths 138/200 … er … hmmm … blush … oh well, I got 92/100 for geog. though. Hooray!! No cooking BOO HISS YAH BOO. We did (don’t read this next word) theory. It was hot, too hot for cooking. The trip to Whipsnade tomorrow. Wahay!! My partner’s Angus.

  Thursday, 1 July TRIP TO WHIPSNADE ZOO

  My partner was Jes after
all. I was in Mrs D Jones’ group. She brought her two children. The hippos had their backs to us. BOO! We had a questionnaire. My packed lunch was with an ice cold drink, chicken sams, an apple pie, two yogurts and some crisps. We went on the playground. We went in the dolphinarium.

  Wednesday, 7 July

  Jes, Angus and I made up F.A.G.I.C. (we call it Fagit), the Field, Adventure, Good-fun and Interest Club. We made fresh fruit salad with Mrs Hooton. We went to Nan Collins’ after tea, we got a £ for our holidays. Nan got me a Monster Fun hol special.

  Saturday, 10 July OFF ON OUR HOLS!!!

  We arrived at Llithfaen near Pwllheli. We are staying at Mr and Mrs Williams’ farmhouse. There is a big farm. We arrived at 9–10 o’clock. We had a fish and chip takeaway dinner (I had chips and beans). We went on Pwllheli beach. I got my trousers wet when a big wave splashed up. We had a lovely tea. We walked round the fields. There is a dog, cow and calf (we have only just seen them). It wasn’t particularly hot but it was not really cold.

  Monday, 12 July

  We went to Pwllheli for the day. Dad got the book Rommel? Gunner Who? and I got a postcard for Form 2-1, a Frankie Stein hol special and an Asterix paperback. I played in the sea. We discovered a little shrew over the road from our farmhouse. We named him ‘Vernon the Short’. We went for a ride in Mr Williams’ hay cart with two other men. We went to a pub, past Nefyn. Just now, Simon, Dad and I saw a frog in the front garden.

  Tuesday, 10 August

  Dean came to Nan’s. We played Action Man in the sink. They got soaked. I came home from Nan’s. Simon’s got friendly with Suttle.24 Melissa’s got a new hairstyle. Simon and I are gonna play Bugsy25 now.

  Tuesday, 31 August

  I made a Lego house for my Devlins26 tonight. Dad took Simon and I to Wellingborough Golf Club. We did nine holes. It didn’t rain. Simon and I couldn’t hit many balls really. Then we went in the bar in the clubhouse. We had a Coke on draught. We watched TV.

  Sunday, 5 September

  Simon and I played with Mossy and Suttle on bikes down the field. Mossy and I can climb a great new tree. We played Herbies27 on bikes. When Mossy’s glider went over the stream, Mossy and I went over and on the way back I put my foot right in the stream. I changed then. We had a HAIR WASH.

  Monday, 13 September

  We had art – woodwork. B for my pencil box. Kev and Jes came round and we were bored for a bit. Angus, Jes and I have started A.K.C. (the Anti-Kim Campaign). We hate Kim. Stupid isn’t he? We sent him to Coventry.28

  Tuesday, 14 September

  We’ve stopped calling Kim a loony and all that but we still can’t stand the sight of him. Normal lessons. Simon went to Cubs. Kev bought a load of crisps.

  Wednesday, 15 September

  I trod on a drawing pin this morning. Kim was acting stupid as usual. Soardsy gave me a Corona Fizzical sticker. Kev came and we watched Carry On Nurse.

  Friday, 17 September

  It was brilliant, absolutely fab. It was great. It was the best games lesson I’ve ever had. We had cross-country. (One lap round the park. I came 28th. Credit. I went with Busho.29) Then some of us played rugby with too many people and there weren’t many rules. Kev and I got killed.

  Saturday, 18 September

  I got my War Paper (a poster of Hitler in it). In the afternoon Angus, Jes and I played on bikes all the time. We lost Jes up Weston Way. We changed the poster board. We’ve got the Dr Who, Hitler,30 Keep Mum She’s Not So Dumb and Tommy Gun posters up. We can’t watch Two Ronnies. BOOOO!

  Friday, 1 October

  Homework from maths and science. 18/20 for French test. Rugby in games. Showers. Kev came and we played over Billing Road by the stream in the sinking mud.

  Sunday, 3 October

  To Nan Collins’ for the day. I made a boat/gun-emplacement for my Action Man. Lovely dinner. Lovely tea. Simon gave me a brill James Bond gun with a bullet. WOW! But I’ve given it back. I don’t want it.

  Monday, 4 October

  I’ve finished my rattle in woodwork. Kev didn’t come. We started copper foil pictures. Kim was acting loony as usual. Kim is a twit. The world would be a better place without the big pouff. He escaped from some loony bin.

  Wednesday, 6 October

  Jes, Kev, Angus and I have started the Ultimate Gang. Only us four are in it. Nothing happened at the doctor’s – it was about my enlarged tonsils. Hockey. Kim was being a pouff as usual. Carry On Regardless and Benny Hill. Melissa is still off school.

  Thursday, 7 October

  Did more to our copper pictures in woodwork. That was our last lesson of woodwork. French test: 12/12 = credit. Kim was being loonyish as usual. Kev came. We went to the sinking sand kingdom and over and under the bridge. Shower. I got an ulcer.

  Sunday, 10 October

  Did drawing in the morning. Simon went to church parade. In the afternoon Wyn,31 Robert and I went to Wilson’s party. We went to the Brayfield Stock Car Racing. Two overturned and one smashed into the post next to us. His wheel got caught on the fence. We had a hot dog. Tea: chips, beans, fish fingers and a rum’n’raisin chocolate ice cream thing. We played cards and Frustration. Auntie Gladys, Pap and Nan Collins came all afternoon while I was at Wilson’s. I watched Fawlty Towers.

  Tuesday, 12 October

  It’s a wonder it’s not the 13th today (unlucky) because: Kev’s away with rheumatism, Mum couldn’t get my Krazy comic, I couldn’t get it when I went to the shops either and I’ve just gone and had a bath when I was supposed to have a hands and face. OH WELL! Nan C is baby-sitting. We can go on the climbing frame at school now. Sandwiches. Choir.

  Friday, 22 October HOLS

  We got to Ilfracombe (after six hours driving) but the bungalow was cold and damp. So we came home (12 hours over, in all). Melissa was sick there and back. We didn’t have dinner, just tea at a Wimpy. I had two whole Wimpys. Simon had egg’n’chips (so did Melissa). Dad had a Wimpy and so did Mum. We got home about 10.00. We were tired. Nan and Pap were here waiting for us.

  Saturday, 23 October

  We started our hols in Northampton (it’s half term you see). Dad and Mum didn’t need to do much shopping in the morning. In the afternoon we bought – Simon: landing craft, lorry, little truck (for soldiers), Andrew: three jokes and tricks (dummy lit cigs, puff puff cigs, plate lifter), two Tempos, blue and mauve. Got Jasper Carrott record.

  Sunday, 24 October

  Carl gave me some wonder plastic. In the afternoon I went with Carl to Irchester Park. Just had a Dubonnet and lime. Played Nan’s De Luxe Scrabble.

  Tuesday, 26 October

  Cleared garage out in the morning (Dad, Melissa and I that is). I’ve got my own special painting bench. We went to the Model Shop, Tesco and Bodley’s. Simon got pontoon bridge for titch soldiers and I got desert outpost for 8th Army. I’ve just painted that, complete with vulture, Grecian urns, bench and ladder. Simon went to Colesey’s.

  Wednesday, 27 October

  We went to Twycross Zoo (for the day). There were orang-utans, gorillas, loads of monkeys, lions, tigers, leopards, cheetahs, pets corner, otters, reptile house, camels, llamas, birds, tapirs, crocs, vultures, pigs, elephants, tortoises (giant ones), porcupines, giraffes, more monkeys, snakes, penguins, chimps, baby orang-utans, baby chimp, wallabies, kangaroos and more. NO HIPPOS. Had chip shop chips for tea. I had chicken (and beans). Got a rubber spider from zoo. The baby chimp kept whacking the glass when I leaned against it. I took a photo of a parrot. There was a mynah bird. The lion was roaring and Simon took a photo of it. Melissa got a zebra (called Benjy Friendy Smiley!!). My spider is called Dudley.

  Tuesday, 2 November

  Got choir badge. Jes got 100 lines for shouting at me in history. We (Angus and I) were mucking about, acting hard and he shouted. Hence: 100 lines. 19/20 in French test. Music test. Mum put blue covers on our beds.

  Wednesday, 3 November

  Hockey. Jes got all snotty because Angus and I tried to run away from him. Only a joke. But he’s got so snotty Angus
and I got him out the Ultimate Gang. Had conversation in French with Mademoiselle Olvonkablblblbl (Mademoiselle Olivier or something). Goldfinger (on TV).

  Wednesday, 24 November

  Did indoor games instead of hockey. No homework. Mrs Moxham said that I should go to her on Monday instead of cookery.32 Just now Simon jumped on my bed and hit my head. I called him a pouff and he kept booting my face and then I hit my head on the radiator. What a loony he is. Pam Ayres on This Is Your Life.

  Wednesday, 1 December

  It got a bit frosty this morning, hence: skiddy playground. Soardsy, Angus and I went to Mrs Hooton at din-dins to do more to the carpeting.33 Had to move all the stuff. Mrs Dennison is still away, had Miss Sabin instead. Did Xmas card for Mum’s squash coach. Si did cookery (milk shake and Angel Delight). Parents could come again (Mum didn’t). Kev Keegan bashed up his back in the bike race in Superstars.

  Thursday, 2 December

  Had Miss Lindsay for art. Homework. Mr Walman wants me to do a poster for the end-of-term film, The Shakiest Gun in the West. I’ve done it. Mr Hanna’s science lesson carried on till 25 past 12 and I was late! Angus and I moved the old carpet from the flat. After assembly Mr Jones gave a talk to the boys about: no spitting, no practical jokes, no mud, no wasting paper towels and no pea-shooters.34

  Wednesday, 8 December

  Mrs Dennison still away. Had Miss Sabin. Si got a diary. Had pirates in PE. No homework. Went to Mrs Moxham for another test instead of RE. Emery35 came off his bike ’cos of a wet track in cycling in Superstars.

  Saturday, 25 December CHRISTMAS DAY

  I got: Monopoly, big (giant) drawing book, felt tips, 1977 diary, inks, big soldiers, loads of Britains,36 paints, stamps, stamp album, Press-Ups (a game), brushes, Tempos, MFC annual, Frankie annual, Cor! Book of Gags, glue, model, darts, £1, Pam Ayres book, slippers and more. Lovely dinner. I got some fab presents. Played Monopoly. Went to bed at 9.10. Also I got: Quality Streets, Roses and a Terry’s Chocolate Orange and a selection box.

  1. Because Simon was that bit more committed to the army than me (i.e. he didn’t waste any of his valuable combat time doing jigsaws or making comics), we both accepted that he outranked me in the Action Man platoon: he had two gripping-hands Action Men while one of mine was still a spastic non-gripping. Captain Carson, his newest ‘soldier doll’ (as trademark-shy Blue Peter euphemistically called them) was naturally in charge. My Action Men, Simpson and Nixon, were Carson’s bitches.