Where Did It All Go Right?

by Andrew Collins

  Angus gave me a quid, Si gave me the Jaws 2 paperback, Melissa gave me Violinski’s single ‘Clog Dance’ and Dad’n’Mum bought me a magic Kodak 32 camera with handle, telephoto lens, ten flash cubes plus case and film. I’ve taken four pics already. It’s magic. Nan M and Pap R got me a skill cassette box and an autograph book. Ace. Auntie Janice got me a Mad book and a magic photo album. The other Nan’n’Pap gave me £2, Brian and Janis £1.50, Auntie Margaret £1, Sue and Jon £2 (for my baby sitting) and Pete and Wendy £1. Plus an extra £1 from Nan and Pap. I’m rolling in swag. Flippin’ I’m gonna spend it on various Monty Python books and paperbacks.

  Angus went home before dinner, but what an ace birfday eh? And … our bog got bunged up. Dad squirted a hose down it, blew down it wiv a bike pump, put his hand down and generally said, ‘To hell wiv it, ey?’

  Wot a skill ace magic brill birfday.

  Thursday, 15 March

  Double building craft doesn’t rule OK. But getting paste all over you during it does. Geography is really kinda eeuuur. Chemistry stinks OK. Chemistry h/w smells OK. Games in this cold weather is really kinda brrrrr. Animal House film was ace skill magic OK. You bet. It had nude ladies and a college and naughty kids and a carnival and larf slapstick comedy and it was my first ‘AA’ OK?7

  Friday, 23 March

  Had a disco at school. Ace it waz.

  Bill Jeyes

  Lee Masters

  Si Triculja

  Jon Ward

  Paul Wallace?

  Mark Emery

  = punks

  Ace music, Sex Pistols, Skids. Boring music as well. Kev never went, Hirsty looked a puff.8

  Wednesday, 28 March

  I got Look-In this morning delivered. It’s got the Bee Gees in it. Chris lent me a Cracked mag and I got caught readin’ it in maths by Mr Twinn. He said it was trash. It’s not. It rained really wet all day. Listened to my new singles a lot tonight. Technology was as bad as ever and in PE we had Mr Blogg for volleyball. It was a bit pratty but not too bad. Tonight saw Play for Today, Dwarf On Giant’s Shoulders. It was good ’cos it was on till 11.00.

  Thursday, 12 April

  O boy, wot a funny weather day. It poured, then slowed down, then poured again, then stopped, then dried up, then rained again, then poured, then stopped, then we had dinner*, then it started, then thunder, then lightning, then hail, then (after tea**) it dried up and stayed like it till now.

  * dindins = shepherd’s pie, lemon meringue pie

  ** tea = tomato and cheese omelette, pineapple mousse.

  I did go out on my bike when it was dry. I saw Lowey. Mum got a brand new brown Leyland Mini. I got my Sheffield photos delivered. We saw Blankety Blecch. I had a game of darts with Si and Dad. I won again with a skill double-five.

  Tomorrow is Good Friday. Let’s hope it’s good weather. Lesley Judd left Blue Peter.

  Saturday, 28 April

  Went to art class this morning. We sketched models in pencil. I was one model. It rained hard this morning. Quite sunny this afternoon. Got my Mad magazine, plus ‘Mork’ Cracked magazine, and the Sham 69 single ‘Questions and Answers’.9

  This afternoon Angus’s Dad took Angus, his brother and me to see Death on the Nile. It was absolutely skill. ‘A’ certificate because it had five murders:

  One throat slit with pools of blood

  One shot right in the head point blank

  One shot in the forehead, splurting blood

  One shot herself through the head

  One shot right in the side of the face

  Grate.10 Tonight I started a spoof of it, Death on the Nail. I painted my bike chain-guard black and fixed on my rack. Then played Scrabble wid Mum’n’Dad and saw the news and Roald Dahl’s Tales of the Unexpected (till 11.15).

  Tuesday, 1 May

  Dad wouldn’t let me do my diary tonight. He said, ‘Lights out. No diaries. No talkin’. No snorin’. No whisperin’. No writing. No singing – or you will get it.’

  Friday, 4 May

  Didn’t rain. It was dry’n’sunny. No h/w. Oh yes there was … geography. Nice dinner: pineapple sponge. Metalwork in design. Walked home with Chris. Meatballs for tea. Game of soccer and cricket with Chris and Steve tonite.

  Off to Uncle Phil and Auntie Eileen’s at Blackpool for the weekend. Got packed.

  Maggie Thatcher won. Oh. Hmm. New Prime Minister. A woman. Ooh dear.11

  Saturday, 5 May

  Got to Uncle Phil and Auntie Eileen’s near Blackpool at 11.30. They’ve got two girls: Anne-Marie and Angela-Louise (seven and three). Uncle Phil’s a linesman.12 He had to go to a match this afternoon. Blackburn v West Ham (at Blackburn). Score = 1–0 to Blackburn. He got me two grate programmes from the match, one for me, one for Doug at school.

  Si and me are sleeping in Anne-Marie’s normal room. This afternoon the Tower (at Blackpool) (Blackpool Tower, you burk) was closed. So we went to the Pleasure Beach. Si and me took Anne-Marie on the Noah’s Ark fun house. It was all dark, the ark rocked about, there was loads of moving floorboards and steep stairs and luminous moving animals and it was pretty ace. Si, Dad and me went on this skill firing range with loads of models that work if you trigger them off. And we saw the haunted mine and ghost train from the outside.

  Walk on the beach at sunset.

  By the way, Simon was sick on the journey.

  Sunday, 6 May

  It was Melissa’s birthday today. She got tonz of prezzies including a cuddly bunny. We had a grate day today. We rode down into Blackpool (me, Si, Liss, Anne-Marie, Angela and Uncle Phil) and went in the BBC Dr Who Exhibition. Oh it was real magic. All the monsters, original sound effects, K-9, the Tardis, moving models, ace little scenes and original masks, plus flashing lights and dark corridors. I bought a 10p big Dr Who badge and a ‘Welcome to Blackpool’ Tom Baker postcard. Reeeally ace.

  Then we went up the Pleasure Beach again. I took loads of good photos.

  Fry-up lunch eg. bacon, egg and tomato. Then we drove up to Fylde for a birthday dinner/tea/meal at this great country/homely restaurant. Me and Si sat on a separate table as there was nine of us and we had gammon, egg, chips and ice cream and mint choc. I had four cups of luvly tea. Came home at about 7.00.

  Melissa got a luvly cake from Uncle Phil and Auntie Eileen. Good day wasn’t it eh?

  Our car still smells of Si’s sick.

  Sunday, 3 June

  We went to Coventry for dinner and tea to Uncle Jim, Auntie Christine’s, Lorraine and Sandy’s. Luvly dinna: chicken, spuds, gravy, sausage meat, stuffing, pie. Luvly tea: Scotch egg, tomato, salad cream, cheese, bread, onion rings, raspberry meringue.

  We went for a walk round de park, losing tennis ballz etc., playing their croquet. Home at 9.15. Saw That’s Life + drink of shandy. Oh I can’t help it … Sham 69, Skids, Buzzcocks.

  Friday, 8 June

  No rain. Amazin’. Bit of h/w. I’ve dunnit. Had metalwork. Went up de library. I got: Guinness Book Of Names, Guinness Book Of Soccer Feats, Exorcist book, Vampire Films. Really ace books.

  Saw Are Yer Bein’ Served. Read me books. Into the valley, betrothed and divine, realisation’s no virtue but who can define … sorry.13

  Sunday, 10 June

  At 10.30 we all went off (in our posh clothes – vomit) to Johnny and Melanie Ashby’s confirmation and communion.14 We had a one and a half hour service. Really exciting and thrilling. But we went back to their house for a big buffet wiv loads of other people. I had melon, wine, turkey wings, crisps, salmon roll, cheese’n’pineapple, Coke, lemonade, beer, punch, a strawberry off the top of the gateau (don’t tell Mum or anyone), loads of fresh fruit salad. It was luvly. I didn’t have no tea. Belch. Both nans and paps came home from their hols yesterday. We saw them both. I got some chocs from N+P Collins and from N+P Reg = four Jersey postcards, a sick bag from the plane15 and £2. Ace. Bed = late. Belch.

  Friday, 22 June

  It didn’t rain much today. O good. Had pakt lunch as yewshal. Exams on Munday as well, too, in addit
ion to, also. Nan baby-satted because we are babies. Saw Monty Python film Now Fer Summat Completely Diffrant till 12.30. My ankle hurts. Dohh! My brain aches. I wish I was a prawn. I wish I was a Northumbrian anteater on Wednesdays. Silly boy silly boy.

  Saturday, 23 June

  There waz an exhibition on at art college. It was a crack. Yes. I bought a new racer bike. No I didn’t buy it. Dad did. It’s a Raleigh GT Super 5. Five gears. GT brakes. It’s so brilliant and good and fast and spiny.16 I also got three new dart flight barrels and this fortnight’s Smash Hits. It’s king. Devo: are we not spiny?

  Sunday, 1 July

  We dun the poster board up:

  Generation X (mine)

  Johnny Rotten (mine)

  Orca (mine)

  Boomtown Rats (mine)

  Moonraker (Si’s)

  CHiPS (Si’s)

  Skids (mine)

  CHiPS

  CHiPS (both Si’s).

  Pritty good. It was sunny today. We made Sooty a new guinea pig run. Listened to the Top 40. Tubeway Army no. 1. Clash is back to 25, but Pistols are 24. Ace. Ruts are coming up as well. Silly boy – pardon.17

  Saturday, 7 July

  My new poster set-up:

  Generation X

  Johnny

  Orca

  Moonraker

  CHiPS

  drawing of Skids

  Cotswold Wildlife Park postcard

  CHiPS

  CHiPS

  Skids

  I got the Skids poster from this fornight’s Smash Hits mag. It’s got words to: The Ruts, Sex Pistols etc. It’s too ace. Plus … up town, I bought two singles: ‘C’Mon Everybody’ by Sid Vicious (S Pistols) and ‘Babylon’s Burning’ by the Ruts. They’re 2 spiny and good. Plus, I’ve put up a poster of the Rats in place of ELO.18

  Saw Benny Hill. Bed = 10.00. Babylon’s burning. C’mon everybody! Hoooo, c’mon everybody. I wish I was a blakhed wiv anxiety, usin’ mah mind. (Sponsored by Bernard Tosimov.)

  Sunday, 15 July WALES

  It was luvly and sunny and hot and glint. We went to Llanbedrog for the day. I got really burnt arms and legs. I bought the paperback Coma. It is so spiny. Mr Williams put a bit of rope up over a tree out the back for a swing thing. Apey gougey.19 We went for a long walk after a egg n chipz tea to Pistyll beach. It was very warm all day. My legs are stingin’. I wish I was a lump in some rice pudding.

  Monday, 16 July

  I wish I was a trout. We went to Pwllheli for dinner. I bought a £2.00 All-American Frisbee. Had cold beef rolls for dinner on de beach. Read a lot more of Coma. Got really sunburnt. Luvly and hot tho’. Had a walk across Morfa Nefyn beach to a pub for crisps and Coke. We walk’d bak to the car cross de golfy course and I had a beefburger in batter from a chip shop. Everybody else had chipz. Bed = 10.00 + John Peel.

  Friday, 20 July

  Rode to Nefyn garage with Dad to get his oil filter fixed. Went to Pwllheli for dinner. Had sams and crisps and cake. Also Melissa and I had Wimpys. I had a cheeseburger with tonz of onions. Mmmmm. Played cards and had scraps on the ropes with Si. Ace larf. Sent postcard to Kev. Bed = 10.00. Bought Paul Daniels Magic Cards.

  Friday, 27 July

  Went to Pwllheli in de morning. Went on penny arcade in fair. Lost all my pennies. So wot if I did, you twonk.20 Still hot. Went home. Left Wales at 3.15. Arrived home at 9.00. Not bad time. Great journey. No pukin’. Got Smash Hits at service station. Got poster of Sting; words to ‘Death Disco’, ‘Harmony in my Head’, ‘Here Comes the Summer’ and Boomtown Rats’ no. 1 ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’.

  Wednesday, 1 August

  Went up Nan and Pap Collins’ for dindins + tea. Lovely food:

  Meat, potatoes, gooseberry pie = dins

  Chips, bacon, egg, ice cream, cake = tea

  Got some ointment and plasters for my toe. Went up town wiv Mum, Janice and Dean. Had a can of 7Up and got some Bubble Yum. Went to library. I got a vampire film book and various books about jellyfish, my latest in-subject. Saw Cornynation St, Benny ’Ill, documenstrual about video dating system. Bed = 10.00. Yes well.

  Thursday, 2 August

  This morning I went to Dr Costain (the chiropodist) about my ingrown toenail. I could tell you about the local anaesthetic he put in my toe, or the rubber tourniquet to stop the blood, or how he cut my toe when it waz numb, or how he sliced off the bit of excess flesh with a knife, or how he cut the jutting-out piece of nail, or how when he undid the tourniquet the blood gushed out, or how much dressing he piled onto my toe, or how swollen it waz or how it made me feel a bit ‘off’ after dinner. But I won’t.

  Paul Bush came after lunch. We had a wander to the paper shop. Paul bought a couple of music papers. Top of the Popz. ‘Don’t Like Mundays’ no. 1. It’s a bit mediocre. Bed = 10.00. My toe is bin bleedin’ but Dr Costain dressed it with loads of stuff.

  Friday, 3 August

  I had my toe redressed wiv bandage, gauze and plasters. I could tell you how Dr (Simon) Costain plucked the bits of old gauze out of my toe wiv tweezers. Dat’s an ooch.

  Dad took Si and me to pics to see Porridge. Ace crak film. Real glish.21 Starrin’ Ron Barker, Rich Beckinsale etc. Grate! Also got Aug Film Review wiv Arabian Adventure (mediocre), The Champ (boring), Fuck Rodgers (weedy) etc. But it is an ace mag. I am a film fanatic. I love info on new films. Real spiny.

  Saturday, 4 August

  Got two singles at town. ‘Here Comes the Summer’ Undertones. ‘Hersham Boys’ Sham 69’s farewell single. They’re ace.

  Up our house tonight we had Nan Mabel and Pap Reg’s Ruby Wedding party. Loads of people came including Dean. We all had a larf. Bit of dancing. Lods of records. Lods of drink. Lods of food. Fresh fruit salad, turkey, sossy rolls, cheesecake and a Ruby Wedding cake that was gorgeously tasty and glish.

  At 12.15 me and Si (sneakily) watched The Mummy late nite horror film in our bedroom. Really ace, scary, good, spiny. Till 1.30. Starring Chris Lee, Pete Cushing. Real good.

  Wednesday, 8 August

  Today I had my ingrown toenail done at the chiropodist’s. It was a proper op. Dr Si Costain and his nurse and Dr Brenda Costain all wore masks, hats and hygiene gowns. I had a strip of nail cut out under local anesthetic (LA). I watched … I’ve kept the cut-off bit of nail. Not too much blood. Two injections. It was okay.

  Nice tee at Nanz. Chips (tons) and bacon.

  Sunday, 12 August

  Alfred Hitchcock (my idol)’s birthday (80th), so on BBC 39 Steps. Really good film, ever such a good plot. I missed To Catch a Thief but on TV at 11.00 Psycho. I’m writing this at 10.30. Did me and Si watch it all? If so … any good?

  Ace. Shower scene ace. Dead detective ace. Corpse of mother ace. Very tense. 10/10

  Saturday, 15 September

  Went to art skool. All de lads went eg. Louis, Paul, Freak, Tony etc. Did sketchin’. I went up Kev Bailey’s fo’ dinner. Saw Phil, Leigh, Martin, Matthew etc. We had salad. We rode all round Parklands. Plus: we went up Paul Freeman’s house.22 Kev gave me a Sex Pistols reflector badge. Itz ace. Plus: we had a loada gos avec Kev’s air rifle. Ace larf.

  Saw Wot’s Up Doc? on TV. It was a king crak-up. Leeds drew 1–1 to Liverpool.

  Tuesday, 2 October

  Usual day at school. Phil’s birfday. Bit of homework. Bill Jeyes has had a skinhead.23 Saw Last of the Summer Wine. Thank you for inviting me into your home.

  Friday, 5 October

  Yes. Si Triculja has also had a skinhead.24 Mr Robbins has gived us more chemistry homework. So we’ve started R.A.R. Rock Against Robbins. Saw Horse of the Year on TV.

  Sunday, 21 October

  I’ve got an ulcer. Saw Roots (1913). Buggles are no. 1.

  Tuesday, 30 October

  Saw Star Games, Grange Hill, Summer Wine. Saw Not the 9.00 News. No homework. Jim Pursey’s radio show now 8.00–9.50, then J Peel. Listened to the end of Jim. Had Starjets, Members. John had The Damned (‘Love Song’ and ‘Machine Gun Etiquette’).

  Sunday, 4 November

  Ro
ots: Alex had married Nan and had two kids, Billy and Lydia, but they’ve left Alex at the end of the prog. Made two Damned badges.

  Monday, 5 November

  No h/w. Too sacred. Went to see Coma at Lings with Auntie Margaret25 (‘AA’ cert), starring Genevieve Bujold, Michael Douglas, Richard Widmark, Lois Chiles etc. Boy it waz an ace film. Good nasty bits eg. dead bodies in plastic bags in the freezer, maintenance man getting electrocuted, operations, autopsy, suspended bodies, great ‘AA’ stuff.

  Saturday, 10 November

  Got Coma soundtrack from record library. Leeds lost 3–0 at Coventry. Got the College fx 80 Casio calculator. It is 2 ace. £15.95. Sines, cosines, squares, brackets, cubes, memory, inflatable life raft etc. I also got the ‘Bodysnatchers’ Mad mag. Got some new gloves.

  Thursday, 15 November

  Done me 60 yards. I am the Man From Atlantis. TOTP crap. Dr Hook no. 1 oh God. It’s so bo-o-o-oring. Saw Futtock’s End. Miss Bermuda is Miss World. Miss UK (Carolyn Seaward) 2nd.

  Wednesday, 21 November

  Went on careers trips. Our group went to Tootals clothes factory. Great larf. Old women on the machines etc. Me, Craig, Si and Lee = only boys in our group. We wandered round and nipped in the Cobblers for something to do.

  Roy, Dad and me left at 5.20 for Wembley to see England v Bulgaria. Very foggy. So foggy in fact the match was postponed. We found out just as we got there. Drove all the way back. The match is supposed to be tomorrow instead. Will we go?

  Thursday, 22 November

  England v Bulgaria with Dad and Roy in Roy’s car. Ace match. We won it 2–0. Dave Watson (1st half), Glenn Hoddle (2nd half). We were in the stands at the very front behind the safety barrier. Team:

  Ray Clemence (Liverpool)

  Viv Anderson (Forest)

  Kenny Sansom (Palace)

  Phil Thompson (Liverpool)

  Kev Reeves (Norwich)

  Ray Wilkins (Man U)

  Dave Watson (Southampton)

  Glenn Hoddle (Spurs)

  Trev Francis (Notts Forest)

  Ray Kennedy (Liverpool)

  Tony Woodcock (Forest)

  Ace atmosphere at Wembley. Great inside. Got rosette and two programmes. Great goal by Hoddle. There’s only one team in Eur-ope.