by Angel Rose
I woke up the next morning, slowly opening my eyes and I noticed Michael was gone. My stomach cringed as I stared at his pillow. I felt unforgiving this morning. I got up to take a shower and the steaming hot hit me like a free body massage, softening all of my tense muscles in my aching body. I closed my eyes and began to cry. I slid down the tiled wall into the tub and sat there. I felt lonely and disappointed with myself. I turned off the water, got up and wrapped a towel around and sat on the bed.
I decided to call Margaret.
“Margaret, can you come pick me up?” I said softly.
“Jen, what’s wrong? Are you crying?” Margaret asked.
“I feel sick.” I whispered.
“I’m coming.” she answered.
“I’ll be downstairs waiting for you.” I hung up and quickly got dressed. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt like a coward running away from Michael. I walked into the living room and looked over at our wedding photo on the mantle of the fireplace. Then, I put on my coat and grabbed my pocketbook.
I waited downstairs for Margaret in the lobby. I kept thinking about what happened last night. I saw Michael coming from around the corner so I quickly walked behind the building. I waited for him to go inside. I was looking for Margaret, and I saw her pulling up and I waved my arms at her so she could notice me. She rolled down the window and I said to her,
“Margaret, meet me at the back of the building.”
“Ok, what’s going on?” she asked.
“Please, just hurry?” I said frantically.
Margaret met me in the back and waved to me to get in.
“Jen, what the hell is going on?” Margaret asked worriedly.
“He hurt me last night and acted as if he didn’t care,” I said as my lips trembled.
“You mean he hit you?” she asked, surprised.
“Just drive, I don’t want to talk about it; drive to your house, please!” I said anxiously.
“Okay, okay,” she answered. Margaret drove off to her apartment. Dave met us downstairs in front of the building. Dave walked towards the car.
“Michael just called me he’s on his way” Dave said.
“What?” A feeling of panic set in my stomach.
“Jen, you need to talk about your problems not run away?” Dave said sternly.
“But you don’t know what happened, why would you say that?” I stared at Dave stunned.
“Dave, listen to Jen, Michael did something really bad to her, why are you defending him?” Margaret said furiously.
Michael pulled up in front of the apartment building. I didn’t even have a chance to get out of the car.
“Get out of the car!!” Michael yelled.
“Michael calm down.” Margaret said sternly.
“Jenesis, get the fuck out of the car, now!” he said as he banged on the window.
He tried to open the door but Margaret locked it. He had this distraught look on his face that scared the hell out of me. She cracked open the window.
“Michael, stop it!” Margaret yelled out of the window and drove off leaving Michael standing on the sidewalk.
“Jen, what did he do?” she asked.
“He hurt me. He was rough during sex last night. I didn’t want to have sex, and he forced himself on me and it hurt.” I said as I began to weep.
I flipped down the mirror to look at myself and wiped my tears then I turned to Margaret and said,
“My God! He’s so angry. Why? What did I do? He’s the one who forced himself on me!” My lips quivered as I tried to hold back my tears.
“Jen, I can’t believe he did that to you, that’s rape! And you’re pregnant. He should know better than that. I’m sorry but you have to face him. Don’t run away or he’ll do it again and won’t respect you. If he pulls that shit again, call the cops!” She shouted. She made a U-turn and went in the opposite direction.
“Who would believe me? And besides, I love him…I don’t want to hurt him. We’ve had rough sex before, and I liked it…but I’m pregnant, and I’m more sensitive…it hurts,” I said worriedly.
“Oh really? So, it’s okay for him to hurt you? No means no and that’s that! Married or not!” she said angrily. I shook my head and stared out of the window trying to push down the lump in my throat. My stomach was in knots and I just wanted to cry.
She drove me to my loft and unlocked the car door.
“Come on, let’s go upstairs, don’t be afraid,” she said.
“I want to walk up the stairs. I don’t want to get caught in the elevator with him.” I said nervously. She grabbed my hand and escorted me into the building. We walked up the stairs and suddenly I began to feel dizzy. My heart began to race, my palms were sweaty. I turned around to Margaret and reached out for her almost falling down the stairs.
“You’re having a panic attack.” She grabbed a hold of my waist and sat me on the step. “Sit, take a deep breath, and calm down.” She held my hand and stroked it gently with her thumb.
I sat on the steps breath in deeply when suddenly I heard, “Jenesis! Jenesis!” Michael’s voice projecting through the hallway. I quickly stood and rushed up the stairs. The feeling of dizziness disappeared, and I became fearful enough to move as fast as I could. Margaret held my hand then grabbed my pocket book to get my keys. She was just as nervous as I was and when we reached the landing she dropped the keys on the floor.
“Hurry, open the door!” I shouted.
As she went to pick up the keys, Michael stepped on them with his foot. She glanced up at Michael then stepped back.
“I’ll get it,” he said as calmly as he could. He was out of breath form running up the stairs at lightning speed. He glanced at me as he leaned over to pick up the keys up from the floor.
“Jen, are you ok? Why are you running?” he stared into my eyes, his look obscure and confused.
“Michael, open the door, right now!” Margaret said adamantly as she tapped her foot against the floor.
Michael looked at Margaret as if he wanted to kill her. He opened the door. Margaret shoved Michael out of the way. She held me by the arm and sat me on the couch.
“Michael, what the hell is going on with you? She’s pregnant, PREGNANT!” Margaret yelled at the top of her lungs.
“Margaret, please, lower your voice. I know you’re upset, but…” he said graciously, almost like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
“Get some clothing Jen, you’re staying with me.” She walked me over to the bedroom and grabbed the overnight bag from my closet. I started to fill it up with undergarments and clothes.
“Wait, Jen, listen to me, we need to talk about this, you can’t just leave…I’m your husband.” He grabbed the bag from my hand, looking at Margaret.
“Michael, please, we can talk later, right now, I need to lie down.” I grabbed the bag from him.
“Margaret, this is wrong, Dave won’t allow it!” he yelled.
“Michael, Dave loves Jen, he will never let you hurt her. You out of all people should know that!” Margaret yelled back. She grabbed the bag from my hands, then grabbed my arm with her other hand.
“Jenesis!” he shouted. “Jenesis!” he called out to me again.
Margaret and I walked out of the apartment. I turned around to look at him and he was on the phone with someone. He stared at me with those blue-green eyes as the tears trickled down his face from anger. He watched me walk away from him, he hands clenched tightly into a fist at his sides. He closed his eyes, shook his head, and then slammed the door in my face. I walked quickly down the stairs grabbing on to Margaret’s arm.
I don’t know what drove the fear that was inside of me. I literally felt abused. I couldn’t get the image of my father out of my head, warning me about Michael and shaking his head as if to tell me, I told you so. Margaret drove me to her apartment. She held my hand and helped me walk upstairs. Dave wasn’t home. Margaret let me sleep in her bed. She laid down with me, and I cried and cried until I fell asleep. My whole world was falling
apart? What did I do? Am I making a big deal about this? What’s going to happen? All of these questions made me feel like my life was spiraling out of control…again.
I woke up abruptly to the loud screams coming from the kitchen. It was Margaret and Dave arguing. I got up and slowly opened the door half way to hear what was going on. I was feeling so nauseous. I even forgot I was pregnant. I heard Dave yelling at Margaret using every curse word you could think of.
“Bitch! You’re such a stupid bitch! How could you? Where do you get off telling Michael anything? That’s his wife!” he yelled.
“You would let Jen get abused by Michael like that?” Margaret yelled back.
I immediately felt sick. My nerves were shot, and I felt a panic attack coming on. What did she mean by that? Was I being abused my husband? The man I loved. The man I cherished. This was the first time he ever did something like that to me. He probably had a horrible day at work and took out his frustrations on me. I should have been there for him. I should have given myself freely to him, no questions asked. He’s my husband, I thought to myself.
I walked out of the room and into the kitchen. Dave was about to say something until he saw me and then said,
“Jen, sweetie, are you alright?” He approached me to give me a hug, and I pulled away from him. He looked at me awkwardly.
“Jen, come.” She motioned for me to go into the kitchen. “Sit, have a cup of tea with lemon.” Margaret said as she sat me down and made me a cup of tea. I looked at her and she smiled with sorrow in her expression. I couldn’t help but feel guilty that I started all of this drama.
The phone rang and Dave picked it up and walked towards the hallway. I glanced into the hallway and saw him whispering. He walked back into the kitchen placing the phone in his pocket.
“Jen, it’s Michael, he wants to talk to you.” Dave waived the phone at me. I got up slowly, looking over at Margaret and wondering if I should speak to him. Margaret nodded her head. I was still a little nervous but I felt I needed to leave. Dave and Margaret were at each other’s throats and it was my fault.
“Michael, pick me up, I want to go home.” I whispered.
“I’m coming,” he said eagerly.
I hung up the phone and sat and drank my tea without looking at either of them. They were standing quietly in the kitchen waiting for me to finish.
“I’m sorry for causing so much trouble. Dave, you were right. Michael is my husband and I have to deal with this on my own. You guys aren’t going to be around forever.” I said with a lump in my throat thinking of the day my mother died.
“You can always come to us, right, Dave?” Margaret hit Dave gently with her elbow against his rib.
“Of course, Jen, please understand. We’re here for you, always.” Dave gave her a killer look and pushed out a smile for me.
The buzzard rang and Margaret answered,
“Who is it?”
“Michael.” he said in a raspy voice. He must’ve hurt his throat with all of the yelling he’s been doing.
“She’ll be right down,” she answered. She looked at me strangely, almost as if she were asking me why I was leaving in the first place.
I thanked Margaret and gave her a hug.
“I’m right here if you need me.” She whispered in my ear.
“Jen, whatever it is, we can help you. We love you and we want you to be safe.” He walked over to hug me placing his arms around my shoulder. I stood motionless. He let me go then looked at me as if I had broken his heart.
“Thanks.” I said as I walked away from Dave. I slowly went down the stairs and held on to the rail. I started to feel a lump in my throat. I now had to confront the man that had hurt me and I was just not in the mood for him. I knew he would say he was sorry. How many times can you say you’re sorry? A millions times I guess. My mother forgave my father. I had to forgive Michael.
Michael was waiting for me in front his car. I slowly approached him and he held out his arms so I can walk into his embrace.
“My God, baby, I’m so sorry. This has been the worst day of my life.” He held me tightly, then opened the car door for me.
“Just drive, please.” I couldn’t look at him. He said again…I’m sorry. Dammit! I didn’t want to hear it. It was beginning to sound like a lie each time he said it. Unfortunately, I wasn’t going anywhere. I wasn’t leaving him. I wasn’t breaking my vows. So why did I make such a big deal out of this?
Michael parked the car and took the elevator upstairs. He tried to hold my hand but I didn’t let him. He hugged me from behind and said,
“No more, I’m sorry. I’m never going to hurt you again. I promise.” he held my face in his hands and kissed me on the cheek.
“Michael, I’ve never told you about my family life have I?” I asked with my arms folded against my chest.
“What do you mean?”
“What do you know about my family?”
“Nothing, you never told me anything except that they were dead.” He shook his and shrugged his shoulders.
“Well, my father was an alcoholic; an abusive drunk. He killed my mother…not intentionally…but he did; he was driving drunk and they crashed into a utility pole and they both died. I shouldn’t tell you this but I lived with his abuse since I was a little girl. Michael…if you ever do what you did to me last night again, I’m going to leave you. Do you understand what I’m telling you?” I couldn’t believe those words came out of my mouth. Where did that come from?
“Jen, I was wrong. Sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling that I just can’t control, I’ve told you this before. I needed you. I needed my wife.” He sighed heavily. “Can’t I ever make a mistake? Does everything have to be perfect for you?” He stood up straight. “Well, I’m not perfect!” He became annoyed.
“Then get some help! Because I won’t be able to handle any of this. I’m pregnant, remember!” I barked at him, giving my back to him.
“Then I will.” He came over to hug me and I turned around quickly like I had to let it out or I would’ve exploded.
“I’ll move in with Dave and Margaret. I’m serious, this is not a joke.” My insides were shaking. I felt I needed to threaten him so that he understood how serious I was.
“You’ll move in, really?” he said mocking me. Then he shook his head while he chuckled under his breath. My blood was boiling at this point, but the look in his eyes instilled fear in me rather quickly and my body responded with fear.
“Yes.” I said fearfully. I took a step back.
“Then you know what?” he said as he approached me pushing me with his hand against my shoulder, “Call them to come and get you now! I’m through with you! This is my house. Who do you think you’re talking to?” He walked over to the bedroom and slammed the door so hard the picture frames on the wall came crashing down on the floor, glass flying everywhere.
The fear to into fright or flight and I wanted to get the hell out of there fast. I grabbed the house phone, and ran into the bathroom locking the door behind me. I dialed Margaret’s number as my hands shook.
“Margaret please come and get me!” I shouted.
“Jen? Jen! What is it?” She yelled
“Michael,” I whimpered.
“Did he touch you? What the hell is going on?” she snapped.
“No…he…” I heard a static-like sound on the other end of the phone and I was disconnected.
“Margaret?” I whispered. I only heard a dial tone. Then the phone rang a few seconds later.
“Margaret?”
“No, it’s Dave. She just left to pick you up.”
“You sound out of breath. Are you Okay?”
“Yeah…I was just running up the stairs when she ran out of here.”
“I’ll wait here until she comes,” I said nervously.
“Okay…stay put. Jen, are you okay?”
“No…” I hung up the phone.
Michael knocked on the door.
“Leave me alone! I’m waiting fo
r Margaret!” I screamed.
“Why are you doing this?” he yelled.
“Leave me alone, Michael!” I yelled back.
“Open this door now!” he said as he began to turn the knob.
“No! No…leave me alone!” I screamed as I leaned my back against the door and began to cry. I practically feared for my life and I didn’t want him to get inside. All I saw was HIM…MY FATHER on the other side of that door. I was losing it.
I placed my ear against the door as my tears slid down my chin. I wiped them and sniffled holding on to the door with one hand and wiping my nose with the other. I sat on the bathroom floor for forty-five minutes listening to Michael bang on the door as I sat against it. He was relentless, but I had more inner strength than he did. I didn’t open the door. I sat on the floor staring at the skylight watching the sun filled sky turn into a dark grey mass of clouds. I watched as the raindrops hit the skylight like tiny pebbles and the lightning light up the sky as if it were on fire. The thunder concealed Michael’s yelling and banging on the door at times. In between the lightning and the thunder, I heard the buzzard. I heard Michael’s footsteps as he walked to answer the door. The thunder was loud and the pellets of rain slammed against skylight window even harder. I placed my ear against the door and I heard Dave’s voice. He was saying something but I couldn’t understand him, the door muffled the sound of his voice. I opened the bathroom door slightly, I saw Dave shaking his head, he seemed frantic. The thunder roared so loudly this time I could swear I felt the building shake. Michael slammed the front door shut and grabbed Dave by the shoulders.
“Dave! Dave! What is it?” I heard Michael yell as I stuck my face between the door.
“It’s Margaret! Michael! It’s Margaret!” he shrieked.
“What! Dave, What?” he asked firmly.
“Margaret, she was in a car accident coming over here, Michael, she was killed! She’s dead!” he yelled.
My heart stopped beating for a moment. I slid my face down against the door while holding on to my stomach. I opened the door all the way and ran out of the bathroom towards Dave. I remember falling to my knees in front of him and then the room began to spin, and I began top puke all over the floor.