***
That Sunday evening, we sat on the porch again. I sat in one of the chairs. I was finding it harder and harder to sit next to her. Instead, I put as much distance between us as possible. I was afraid if I got close, I wouldn’t be able to control myself. There were too many intimate thoughts running through my mind. If she had any idea, she would probably think there was something wrong with me.
I wanted to ask Ann what she thought about sex but knew it wouldn’t be appropriate since we weren’t actually having it. Or would it? Could it be something that would open the door to consummating our marriage? I could talk to her about anything else. So why not this?
“It was nice that we spent the day together,” Ann said. “We always have fun with John and Barbara, but sometimes it’s nice to spend some time alone.”
Breaking out of my thoughts, I turned to her in interest. Did she enjoy being with me?
She shifted on the porch swing and cleared her throat. “It’s just that sometimes I feel like I don’t get to see you very much. You work so many hours at the bank. Not that I’m complaining,” she quickly added. “I know you’re doing everything you can to provide for us.”
“You like having me around?”
She blushed. “Of course I do.”
I appreciated her comment more than she realized. “I like being with you too.”
I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the chair. It had been a good day. She sat closer to me than usual in church. Usually, there was some space between us, but now that I thought about it, our arms were touching. I had assumed she sat close to me because Molly wanted to sit right by her and she didn’t have enough room to leave some space between us. Was it possible that she intentionally sat close to me? There was enough room on Molly’s side. Then I recalled the way she sat next to me at dinner and touched my arm a couple of times. I had assumed it was innocent Ann behavior. Was there more to it than that? A spark of hope went through me.
“If you want, I could stay home more.” Suddenly, I wanted to be with her. Perhaps I should stop working overtime and see if more would come from her actions.
“I understand that you need to be at work as much as you are,” she argued. “I don’t want you to stop doing what you need to do.”
I frowned. “What do I need to do?” Be away from her? Did she want me around or not?
She looked startled. “I didn’t mean anything rude. I... Well, you know what you need to do. That’s why you work overtime.”
I blinked, confused. “What are you talking about?”
“Nothing. Forget I said anything. It doesn’t matter anyway. We’re having a lovely day. Let’s not ruin it with another argument.”
“I don’t want to forget it. I want to know what you’re talking about.” I sat up in the chair, aware that I was getting upset. Something in her comment bothered me and I didn’t know why.
“I’m not saying you’re inadequate. You do a great job.”
“Why should I feel inadequate?” Was that why she didn’t want to have sex with me? Because I didn’t measure up to her standards?
“You shouldn’t feel inadequate.” She looked alarmed. “Really, I meant nothing wrong.”
“Fine. Then you can tell me what you meant.” I didn’t mean to sound as harsh as I did, so I forced myself to take a deep breath to calm down.
“You do a great job at the bank. You’re a hard worker.”
What did that have to do with sex? “Are you trying to avoid the topic?”
“No. I’ve been talking about your job. That is what you’re talking about too, isn’t it?”
Her words broke through my confusion. She was talking about my role as the provider. “Why should I feel inadequate about work?”
“No reason. Can we just forget it and talk about something else? What did you think of the preacher’s sermon today?”
I narrowed my eyes. I couldn’t let go of her insinuation that I wasn’t a good provider. “Are you saying you don’t get enough money?” How many dresses or food could a woman possibly buy? I thought I was already being generous on those accounts.
“No! I’m not saying that at all.”
“I don’t believe you.” Now I was fuming. “This may not be Virginia where you had tons of money to throw around, but I work hard and I do make a good living at what I do.”
She looked like she was ready to panic. “Of course you do.”
“I’m sorry I don’t meet up to your standards, Ann. Perhaps you’d like to go back.”
She angrily stood up. “I’m not going anywhere. I like it here and you can’t make me leave. It’s my house too!”
“You sure do enjoy living here. It’s almost like I’m living with one of my sisters.”
She gasped. “Is that what you see me as? A sister?”
“You treat me like I’m your brother.”
“I can’t believe you said that. I’ve just been giving you time alone. You’re so upset with your job that it’s hard to be around you.”
“Or are you upset because you can’t buy everything you want?” What was going on? Were we really having this conversation? I wasn’t even sure what we were talking about. Were we talking about money, sex or my job?
“That’s it! I can’t take this anymore. You go ahead and stay at your job all you want, and we’ll spend all of our Sundays with the Russell family. I told Barbara that I wanted to spend the day alone with you since I do enjoy being with you. But all we do lately is argue and I don’t understand how your job can affect your mood so poorly. Really Todd, if it’s that much of a pain, then quit and do something else.”
Again, she was insisting that I quit my job. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a man. I can handle my job. I don’t need you to tell me what to do.”
“Fine. And in case you haven’t noticed, I am a woman. I am not one of your sisters, nor do I consider you to be my brother. Apparently, I was the only one who listened to the preacher today. I am sorry that I offend you, but I refuse to leave. It’s too bad you’re stuck with me.” She ran into the house and slammed the door behind her.
I sat on the chair, unable to process what had just happened. I knew it wouldn’t do any good to follow her. She usually ran up to her room and locked the door. I didn’t understand her. She was too complicated. One minute she was telling me how much she enjoyed being with me, then she told me to work more, and then she acted as if I had insulted her. What did I say that was wrong? Irritated, I closed my eyes and rocked back and forth in the chair. She was right about one thing. Whenever we spent time together, we did fight. I couldn’t remember the last time we had a pleasant day.
I didn’t imagine that marriage could be so hard. I loved Ann for years. I thought we were having fun being together up until the beginning of this month. What changed in that time? True, I did complain about my job and dreaded going to it, but I didn’t think it was as bad as she said. Was she afraid I was going to stop working so she couldn’t afford her precious dresses?
I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. I understood that we would have our fights when I married her. I didn’t expect things to always go perfectly. I even anticipated female mood swings that were common with my sisters. But Ann was a lot more complex. Why couldn’t we get along anymore?
***
The next morning, I went to the kitchen. Ann stood at the sink and stared out the window. She liked to look outside while she cooked. She said it gave her a feeling of peace to look at the flat landscape.
I took a deep breath as I drank in her beauty. She wore her hair down so that it reached the middle of her back. Her waist and hips were incredibly feminine. How could she think I saw her as one of my sisters? I never looked at them the way I looked at her. She knew I loved her. I had told her I did. Granted, I hadn’t told her recently, but did she really need to hear it all the time? If she would give me some indication she was the slightest bit interested in me as her husband, then I could show her exactly what I thought of her.
One thing I did know was that I didn’t want to fight with her. Neither one of us enjoyed that very much. “I’m sorry, Ann,” I said.
She jumped around. “Why don’t I ever hear you enter the kitchen?”
I smiled, glad the tension was broken. “Apparently, I have quiet shoes.”
She returned my smile. “I’m sorry too. Will you eat some French toast?”
“Aren’t you going to eat anything?”
“I’m not hungry this morning. I’ll make a snack later.”
She usually didn’t eat much when something was bothering her. I sighed. I didn’t know what else to say so I sat down and ate my breakfast while she cleaned the dishes. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Wasn’t she aware of how attractive she was? Just as I finished the French toast, she sat next to me.
“Please don’t think I intended to criticize you yesterday evening,” she began. She considered her words carefully. “You are a good husband. I know how hard you work for me, and I appreciate it. I may not seem grateful for you but I am. And I don’t look at you as a brother. You’re very handsome.”
I was pleased by her words. “Thank you, Ann. We can afford the dresses you like to buy. Do you need more money?”
“No. I’m doing fine. I’m even getting good deals on some food from Mrs. Coley’s store. I’ve learned how to economize. I don’t want to be a burden to you.”
Where did she get the idea that we didn’t have enough money for the things she wanted? I never told her we were having financial problems. “You don’t have to do that. We have plenty of money.”
“I want to learn to watch what I spend.” She paused for a moment. “I don’t miss the things I had back in Virginia. They were just things. What matters is you.” She put her hand on my arm. My body tingled in response. “You are a wonderful man. I admire and respect you.”
“I don’t think of you as one of my sisters. You’re too beautiful for that. Don’t you know that I love you?”
“It’s nice to hear it once in awhile.” She smiled and peered at me through her thick lashes. “You really think I’m beautiful?”
Did the sun light the day and the moon light the night? “You look in the mirror. Surely, you can see how desirable you are.”
“I know I’m not the most beautiful woman in the world. I just want to look good for you.”
“I disagree. You are the most beautiful woman in the world.”
She blushed. “You are very kind. I am glad we’re married.”
“Me too.”
“I hope you have a good day at work.”
She leaned over and kissed me. Right on the lips. It wasn’t one of those pristine kisses on the cheek. Before I could respond, she stood up. I wanted to bolt out of the chair and grab her so I could kiss her. I wanted to kiss her the way I’d been wanting to kiss her ever since we were sixteen and she showed me how to play Solitaire.
She took the empty plate and put it in the sink. She left the room. Curious, I followed her. She brought me my coat and hat.
“I thought I would get your things for you today,” she explained. “I know you have to get going.”
I glanced out the window on the kitchen door. The sunrise graced the barn. It would be a nice day, even if it would be chilly. I looked at her. She was smiling, and her eyes twinkled in a way that I’d come to learn was a clue that she was happy.
I didn’t know what to do. Was she giving me permission to touch and kiss her? Or was she trying to make amends? I wanted to kiss her, to see how she’d respond. I wanted to touch her soft hair. I wanted to hold her so I could feel her body against mine. But I did none of these things. Instead, I put my coat and hat on and thanked her before I left.
Chapter Twelve
Ann’s Point of View
In the beginning of November, Barbara picked me up to take me into town.
“These blankets will keep us warm,” she said as I hopped into the carryall carriage.
“Where is Molly?”
“John decided to keep her home so they can discuss what gift to make for me this Christmas.” She urged the horses forward. “John didn’t say that’s what he’s doing, but I know it. I think he likes to make gifts with them. Children can be a handful but they are worth it.”
“They are adorable, except when they’re fighting. As I grew up, I wanted a brother or sister that I could argue with over things like candy. Todd was the oldest of seven children and since they were girls, he didn’t argue with them very much. Despite all the fights his sisters did have amongst themselves, they were close.” I sighed. I missed Agnes and her funny stories.
I decided to tell Barbara my two favorite Agnes stories, and she couldn’t stop laughing as I told them. We reached town by the end of the second story.
She yielded to a couple who crossed the street. “You’re wonderful with Calvin, Bruce and Molly. They look forward to when they can see you.”
“I have a lot of fun with them. They know how to brighten my day.”
She smiled at me before she urged the horses forward. “You’re a natural mother. I bet you and Todd can’t wait to have children. Who knows? Maybe you’re expecting and don’t even know it yet. That would be a good Christmas gift, wouldn’t it?”
I didn’t know how to respond so I stayed quiet. I breathed a sigh of relief as we pulled up to the post office. We usually checked the mail when we got to town.
To my surprise and delight, my parents sent me a letter. I had only told them I was going to North Dakota. I did not mention where in North Dakota. My mother wrote three pages alone on how hard it was to find me. “Oh, your father worried about you,” she continued in the letter. “We know Todd is taking good care of you, but we do worry when we don’t know what’s happening out West.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes, thankful that my parents had forgiven me for leaving like I did.
“Are you alright?” Barbara asked as we left the post office.
I nodded and laughed. “Yes, I’m fine. I didn’t mean to upset you. My mother wrote me. I miss my parents.”
She smiled. “Maybe you could visit them.”
“Todd and I already discussed it. He said we could go later this month. He’s even been working extra hours at the bank so we can afford the trip. I am fortunate to have him. I know he’s sacrificing a lot so I can see my parents.”
“He can also visit his parents while you’re there.”
“I’m not sure. He doesn’t think they will have anything to do with him.”
“I know I couldn’t turn my children away. Perhaps they will change their minds once they see him.”
I hoped so. Since she had to get to her mother’s, I waved to her as she left. On this particular day, I remained outside the post office for a few minutes despite the chill in the air. I wouldn’t be able to focus on my work until I finished reading the letter. To my delight, my mother announced that she and my father would come to visit for Christmas.
“It is vital we stay in touch, my dear,” she wrote. “We look forward to seeing you again.”
I quickly checked the clock in front of the bank. I went to the mercantile and cheerfully did my work. As usual, I finished my tasks several minutes before Barbara was due to pick me up, so I had a few minutes to spare. I wanted to be sure Todd was alright with their visit. If he wasn’t, I would have to tell them we’d go visit them instead. According to the letter, they planned to stay at a motel in town, but I didn’t want them to do that. I wanted to see as much of them as possible.
I ran to the bank. In my excitement, I ran into someone by mistake. “Excuse me.”
The man grumbled something but I was too happy to care what it was.
I hurried up to one of the tellers since I didn’t see Todd anywhere.
“May I help you?” a balding man with glasses asked in a whiny voice.
“Yes. I’m looking for my husband. His name is Todd Brothers. Has he gone to lunch?”
“Mr. Brothers is talking to the
owner of this bank.” He nodded in the direction of the owner’s office. “To be honest, it doesn’t look good.”
I blinked. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know what’s going on except that the owner didn’t look happy when he asked your husband to join him in his office. Oh, I need to help the next person in line.”
I numbly moved out of the way. A sense of dread washed over me. What could Todd have done to upset his boss? I waited for Todd to come out, but after ten minutes, I realized I had to wait. I put the letter in my coat pocket. I hated leaving Todd when he was facing difficulty but didn’t see that I had a choice.
Barbara was still at her mother’s, so I decided to do some extra cleaning in the backroom of the store in order to alleviate my anxiety. What could the owner want to discuss with Todd that was so serious? I didn’t have to wait long to find out. Mrs. Carson, the town gossip, came in to tell Mrs. Coley what occurred between Todd and his boss.
As soon as I heard Todd’s name, I froze and listened. I was still in the backroom so she didn’t see me.
“You won’t believe what happened at the bank between Todd Brothers and Samuel Richard,” Mrs. Carson began.
“Is this all you are buying today?” Mrs. Coley interrupted her. She hated it when people gossiped in her store.
However, Mrs. Carson wasn’t to be deterred. “Who would have thought Todd Brothers was capable of stealing money from his own employer? That’s what we get for welcoming people who grew up with lots of money. He just couldn’t handle the fact that he wasn’t rich anymore. You’d better watch Mrs. Brothers closely next time she shops here. You know what they say: two birds of a feather flock together.”
“Mrs. Carson, I would greatly appreciate it if you’d leave now,” Mrs. Coley coolly stated.
“Well! Never say I didn’t warn you,” she huffed before she left the store.
I stood still, my hand frozen as I held a jar of peaches. My Todd was accused of stealing money? That explained the ‘unhappy’ look on his employer’s face. I knew Todd would never steal anything. So who did? I suspected that even Mrs. Carson didn’t know the answer to that question.
Falling In Love With Her Husband Page 9