by Maggie Wells
Peggy continued in a soft voice. “My grief drew me closer to God. I know that He forgives me for what I did. When I asked for His forgiveness, He gave me a clean slate. He remembers my sin no more. For that, I am eternally grateful! I know that, when I die, God will welcome me in to Heaven. Standing next to Him will be Baby Christy. Only then will I no longer regret my abortion.”
Peggy sobbed silently as the camera continued to record.
“Thank you, Peggy,” I said at last. “Thank you for sharing your story.”
SIXTEEN
I POSTED PEGGY’S VIDEO AFTER SUPPER THAT EVENING AND by the next morning it had received three million views and over five hundred comments. Wow! I am onto something here! I sifted through my emails and looked for another girl who wanted to share her abortion story. I found one—Heather!
“Heather, you’re in a Luci video,” I said. “Tell us about your abortion. How old were you?”
Heather looked at me and said, “I was fourteen.”
“Look into the camera, Heather,” I said.
She looked into the camera and repeated, “I was fourteen.”
“Tell us your story,” I coaxed.
“I wasn’t forced into an abortion. My boyfriend did not threaten to leave me. Actually, he made me promise I wouldn’t do it. I had actually tried to get pregnant—which seems crazy at fourteen, but I have been struggling with depression for what seems like forever, and I wanted to feel needed. And for two months I was—I was needed. Never in my life was I as happy as when I took the pregnancy test. I cried tears of joy and jumped around. It was magical!” Heather beamed at the memory.
Then her smile faded. “My mother had already made the decision for me. I cried for days before the appointment, and I cried the entire way there. I knew this was not what I wanted, but it was all happening so fast. It was truly traumatizing. It has been two years, and I still can’t go into a doctor’s office without thinking about it.”
Heather gazed out the window and said, “You rarely hear mothers say that they regret having their little bundle of joy, but you hear all of the time that people regret their abortions.”
“All the time,” I agreed.
Heather looked into the camera and said forcefully, “I am not one hundred percent against abortion, which will probably get this video taken down, but I have never made a bigger mistake in my entire life and probably never will. This will stay with me even when I grow up and have another child.”
“I just wish I could go back and tell myself to quit being selfish. But it’s too late. I have already made my mistake.”
Selfish—I had never thought about it that way. Had I been selfish?
“What about your boyfriend?” I asked. “Is he still in the picture?”
“He was pissed that I broke my promise,” Heather said. “He said he could never forgive me. I think that is part of the reason I feel so bad.”
“Thank you, Heather,” I said and switched off the camera. “Do you need a hug?”
“That’s okay,” she said, suddenly calm. “When will you post it?”
“Today,” I said. “I’ll send you a link that you can share with your mom if you like.”
Heather looked at me, quizzically. “My mom?”
“Did you ever tell your mom all this?” I asked. “How you feel?”
“No,” Heather said. “She wouldn’t understand.”
“Tell her to check out my YouTube channel,” I said. “There are lots of stories like yours.”
“I’ll think about it,” Heather said as she stood to leave.
That video got four million views and Heather’s mother posted a comment: “You are my brave girl. I love you. Mom.”
“We’re in a Luci video, I’d like to introduce Crystal.”
Crystal waved at the camera.
“Crystal, tell us about your abortion.”
“I found out I was pregnant when I was in high school—my junior year. I was only seventeen, and my boyfriend and I had only been together for two or three months at that time. I remember finding out in the morning, before school. I was getting morning sickness and throwing up and gaining weight. I knew something was wrong, but I ignored it. My sister bought me a test, and I took it in the morning before school. It came out positive, and I broke down crying—trying to figure out what I was going to do and how I was going to tell my family and my boyfriend.”
“I told my boyfriend after school when he picked me up. He broke down crying. My mom was next, and she was so mad at me. She just kept saying, ‘What are you going to do now?’ Two days went by and my boyfriend and I started talking about options. We both decided on an abortion.”
“I got my abortion when I was three months pregnant—on my boyfriend’s birthday. That way we’ll always remember the date. As soon as they put the needle in my arm, I knew I didn’t want to do it, but I was just so scared and then I blacked out from the medicine. I woke up feeling really dizzy and in pain.”
“And how do you feel, now?” I asked.
“It was the biggest mistake of my life. If I could, I would go back and undo it. To this day, I still don't forgive myself. I know my baby was going to be a little girl. We gave her a name. Her name is Caitlyn. Every year on my boyfriend’s birthday we will light a candle for Caitlyn.”
Crystal looked into the camera, “Caitlyn, Mommy and Daddy love you. I’m sorry, my love. I wish I could hold you in my arms right now, but I know God is taking good care of you.”
I started to tear up and zoomed the camera in on my face to catch my expression. Why hadn’t I named my baby? I’m sure I could go back and find the date in my calendar. I could have a little ceremony for my baby every year. I found that idea strangely comforting.
“So you and you boyfriend are still together?” I asked.
“We’re planning to get married and some day we want to have a family,” Crystal said.
“Thank you Crystal,” I said and switched off the camera.
That video got three million views.
“Yay videos! My guest today is Georgiana. Tell us your story.”
“Hi, I’m Georgiana,” she said. “I was on the pill and my period was late. I was spotting, but I thought it would eventually come. Then I started to feel sick—nauseated and all—and I realized something was wrong. One day I decided to take a test, and my worst fear confronted me. I was sixteen and pregnant. I told myself I would have an abortion. I really did not think there was any other option.”
“I told my boyfriend and he agreed to take me to the clinic. But they were having a power outage—we were having rolling blackouts at the time. So we went back home. I wondered if it was a sign—maybe I wasn’t supposed to get an abortion? But the following day we went back again.”
“We didn’t know how far along I was. When they did the sonogram—it was so cute and so tiny. I fell in love with it right there and then. We were told I was six weeks and five days. The due date would have been in February. Aquarius—that’s my favorite sign! They gave me a print of the sonogram; I just wanted to cry. I was hurting so much that I wanted to stop the process, but I knew I could not keep the baby. I was only sixteen.”
“We had to go to another clinic where they had to put the pill inside of me. The second doctor was rude when he told me to take off my clothes—telling me to hurry up. He never gave me any counseling or anything. I was not happy about how I was treated. I felt like I was being judged, but nobody asked why I was doing this or if we had thought about other options.”
“I went home hurting. The bleeding started; the pain started; I cried. The blood clots came out and I felt like I was dying. I had to go back the following day for cleaning. All I could think about was my baby.”
“We were told there was only one doctor—I sat in the waiting room for hours in pain. The girl in front of me looked very young—maybe twelve? When she was in the procedure room I could hear screaming and I got really scared. The doctor—this time a different one—was a little bit ni
cer. He said I would be fine as he injected me with anesthetic. I do not remember anything after that. I woke up in the recovery room. It had been done, I was in pain, and I was still dizzy.
“Now the horror of everything is coming back to me. I miss my baby, though I thought I had no other option. It is breaking my heart. Every time I am alone, I cry. Every time I see a baby, I think about my baby. What if I cannot have another child? I will never forgive myself.”
Georgiana looked directly into the camera and took on a stern tone. “Anyone thinking of aborting—think twice before you do it. I cannot change it; my baby is gone, and there is a big hole in my heart that is reminding me no one can make me feel the same way as I did when I saw my baby on the sonogram.”
“Do you have any other advice for our viewers?” I asked.
“I really think places like Planned Parenthood need to provide patients with more information—specifically about the aftermath of what may happen to one’s emotional state. All they inform you of is what happens during the procedure and that is it. I do not think places like this should exist at all. I am now one hundred percent anti-abortion.”
“Thank you Georgiana,” I said. “I know that was hard for you.”
“I want to do what I can to help others in this situation in any way I can,” she said. “I want my voice to be heard. I am no longer ashamed of what I did, but will always regret what I did. Regret dies hard.”
Georgiana’s voice was heard by three million people.
SEVENTEEN
“WE’RE IN A LUCI VIDEO. MY GUEST TODAY IS FAITH. Hi, Faith, tell us about your abortion.”
“Hi!” Faith waved at the camera. “I had my abortion when I was fourteen weeks along.”
“How old are you?” I asked.
“Seventeen,” she answered. “And I was so unsure about my decision for the entire three months I was pregnant. But, I felt so much pressure from my family members and my boyfriend, and I unfortunately gave in. I made the decision to have an abortion based on the fact that my boyfriend meant the world to me, and I knew I would lose him if I chose to keep the baby. I have cried each and every day since, and I wish I could go back to that day and tell them that I didn't want to do it.”
“And where is your boyfriend, now?” I asked.
“I broke up with my boyfriend and haven't had anything to do with him since,” Faith said.
“Before the procedure, I saw an ultrasound of my baby. My little girl or boy was on the screen, and I could see their little head and body. That is an image I will never forget. I will live with regret every single day of my life, and I would give anything to have my baby back. I wish I had listened to my heart and chosen to continue my pregnancy. I wish I were able to see my child grow, and hold my child, and see their little face. I have never experienced heartache like this before, and I know I will never forget it. If anyone watching is in a similar situation, I really hope that you follow your heart and make the right decision for you. The most painful thing is seeing all of the people who pressured you being completely unaffected, while you are dying inside. Men will leave and treat you badly, and I truly regret allowing a man to convince me to kill my baby, because no other person is worth losing my child over.”
“How are you coping with the loss?” I asked.
“I learned that it helps for me to think about the time I spent with her. It was not a long time and I never felt her move, but my body knew she was there. I was sick for all three months—not just morning sickness but all day! It was terrible and wonderful at the same time. I craved Buffalo chicken wings every night at midnight. I would wake up and want them so bad and giggle because that was what she wanted. I also craved orange juice and grape Kool-Aid for all three months. I could not stand to eat chocolate or onions—the smell made me want to throw up. I would wake up every morning holding my stomach and smiling. I would give anything to feel it all again.”
“I am sure you will get another chance,” I said. “Thank you, Faith, for sharing your story.”
My YouTube following was now nearing five million.
Amanda was a girl in my religion class who never spoke up or even raised her hand. Whenever the nun called on her she turned beet-red, all the way up to her reddish hairline, and I realized that she was horribly shy. That is why I was surprised when she approached me one day in the hallway.
“Luci?” she said. “My name is Amanda. I am in your religion class?”
“I know, Amanda,” I said.
“You do?” Amanda said. “Wow! I didn’t know anybody knew my name.”
“Did you want something?” I asked.
“I want to make a video,” Amanda said.
“Are you pregnant?” I asked. Let’s face it, I was shocked. Amanda did not seem like the kind of girl that would get much attention from boys. Even Catholic School boys.
She nodded, eagerly. We ran back to my house as soon as the final bell rang.
“Now we’re in a Luci video! I would like to introduce Amanda!”
“We never talked about sex at my house,” Amanda said into the camera. Her face was bright red. “I am the oldest kid in my family, so I didn’t have any older brothers or sisters to tell me anything. I was eleven when I got my period. I thought I was sick, and told my mother I needed to go to the hospital. That must sound funny to you but I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I thought maybe I was dying. My mother gave me a Kotex and talked to me about keeping clean. But she didn’t tell me anything about sex and having babies. I didn’t find out about it until I was fourteen and I got pregnant. I thought you had to be married to have babies. That’s how stupid I was. I thought you had to love each other.”
“You’re not stupid,” I said, off-camera. “It wasn’t your fault that your parents didn’t tell you the facts of life. How could you have known?” I thought about how my mother talked to me about sex the year my period started. I was eleven at the time, just like Amanda. My mother told me I was a woman now and that was wonderful. After that she told me about all kinds of strange things like penises and vaginas, and she used the word intercourse. The way I imagined it, the man came and stuck his penis in you and then he walked off. That didn’t sound so great to me. It sounded a lot like getting a shot at the doctor’s office. I knew it wasn’t going to be a problem for me to avoid intercourse until I got married. After that, I just hoped you didn’t have to do it too often.
“Father William is the father,” Amanda said.
I had been lost in my thoughts but I bolted to attention. “A priest?” I asked off-camera. “Did you say that your baby’s father is a priest?”
“Pastor,” Amanda said. “I am Episcopalian.”
That just takes the cake, as my mother would say. I imagined Father William jumping Amanda while quoting some verse from the Bible about how you’re supposed to spread your legs to receive Holy Communion by special delivery. Poor Amanda!
“You must think I am a terrible person for sleeping with my pastor,” Amanda said into the camera. “Religion has always been important to me. Church always made me feel happy and peaceful. Father William is our new minister. He’s in his thirties and everyone loves him. His wife is young too, and their two kids are adorable. When they came here, they put so much energy into the church. I helped with Sunday school and the children’s choir. I just felt happy every time I was there. I felt like everyone there liked me, especially Father William. I went to the church a lot on Saturdays. Usually there were other people there. We would all help clean the church or put up special decorations. But one Saturday, I went there and everyone else had already left. Father William and I were the only ones there. We worked together and cleaned up the sanctuary. After a while Father William said we should stop and rest. So we sat down on the floor. Both of us were dusty and dirty. I was sitting there laughing and talking with him and I kept thinking that I wished my dad was more like Father William. Then I started wishing that Father William was my dad. I could tell he liked me and I can’t imagine wha
t it would be like to have a dad who liked you.”
I kept the camera trained on Amanda, trying really hard to keep my hand from shaking.
“He told me that I had dirt in my hair and took out his handkerchief to wipe it off. Then he dropped the handkerchief and all of a sudden he was stroking my hair—very softly. He told me that he loved me. He said he couldn’t stop himself because he loved me. He started taking off my clothes and I didn’t know what to do. He loved me! That was what he said! I know I should have stopped him. I kept saying no and he would say, ‘Shhhh,’ and put his finger on my lips. He said it was all good and right because we loved each other. I knew it wasn’t right but I couldn’t stop it. And then when it was over he acted different. He seemed like a different person. He told me I had to hurry up and get dressed. He looked at me like I was some kind of slut. He had never looked at me like that before. I kept waiting for him to say something. But he didn’t. He just wanted me to leave.”
“Did you tell your mother?” I asked.
“She didn’t believe me,” Amanda said. “She said I was accusing this fine man, and that I was a liar and a whore. I had never heard that word before.”
“What are you going to do?” I asked.
“My family doesn’t believe in abortion. They sent me here to Catholic School until the baby is born,” Amanda said. “The nuns will take the baby away and give it to a family.”
I turned off the camera and regarded Amanda solemnly. This project had taken an unexpected turn.