by B. B. Hamel
He accuses me of drug use, of sleeping around, of basically anything horrible he can think of. It’s all a fucking lie, of course, but TMI doesn’t seem to care.
The author of the article is none other than James. I briefly wonder how he had time to put this together, but I’m sure he had it ready to go for days.
“Delia?”
I realize I’ve been ignoring Chase. I blink, coming back into the room. I fight back the tears that threaten to overwhelm me.
Saying nothing, I show him the phone.
He scrolls briefly. “That fucking piece of shit,” he growls.
“None of it is true,” I whisper.
“I know.” He shakes his head, disgusted, and hands me back the phone. “He’s going to print anything he wants now, the bastard.”
“Why is he doing this?”
“Clicks? Money?” He shrugs. “Revenge for his pathetic little nose, probably.” He comes over and kisses me softly. “I promise, we’ll get it taken down.”
“Okay.” I feel numb, stupid. I’m already starting to get messages about it, and I know I’ll have to turn off my phone.
“I have to go.”
“I know.”
He gets dressed, but hesitates. He clearly doesn’t want to leave.
“I’ll be back soon.”
“I know.”
I watch him struggle for a second longer, but he leaves, the door closing behind him.
And I’m alone in this room. Somewhere out there, a paparazzi scumbag is smearing my name. People are reading about how I’m a drug addict and a whore.
Nothing is ever going to be the same after this. I don’t know what’s going to be left of me.
I wrap myself in blankets, throw my phone onto the floor, and try to pretend like the world doesn’t exist.
17
Chase
The pulse of the show is still in my veins as I climb onto the bus to join the rest of the band.
We finished about an hour ago and now we’re getting ready to hit the road again. We have to wait for Karl to go get Delia, but that actually works perfectly for me.
I need some time alone with the guys. I feel like this whole thing has happened really fast and they haven’t really given me much feedback about it. I know Joss is supportive, but the others haven’t said much since the start.
I’m not sure where Landon and Nathan stand. I won’t pretend like I’m not worried.
I can’t keep this whole thing up if it’s going to hurt the band. I’m not the only person in Slide and I can’t treat it like my own personal project. Slide belongs to all of us, and any decision that could affect the band as a whole has to be taken as a group.
I’m actually pretty nervous as the guys get settled around me. Nathan has his guitar out, like always, despite having just played it for a few hours on stage. Joss is drinking a beer and Landon has his nose buried in a book, a single light on above him to illuminate the pages.
I clear my throat, standing in front of them. “Guys, we gotta talk.”
Joss looks up. “Was wondering when you’d finally call a meeting.”
“Took you long enough,” Landon agrees.
Nathan stops strumming his guitar. “We’re all here,” he says.
“It’s about Delia.”
“Really?” Landon asks sarcastically.
“We’ve been following the stories.” Joss looks pained. “I’m sorry, man. It’s really…”
“Fucking brutal,” Landon says. “Any of it true?”
“No,” I snap at him. “Absolutely not.”
He shrugs. “That’s what you said about the pee stuff and we all know you love yourself a golden shower.”
“Cut it out,” Nathan says to him.
“Look, we need to talk about her. Obviously, it’s not going the way I wanted.”
“Really?” Joss asks. “I could’ve sworn you were out to make things way, way worse.”
“Mission accomplished then,” Landon says.
I sigh and take a seat. I probably should’ve seen this coming. It’s hard to get them to take anything seriously, especially as a group. “Come on, guys.”
“Fine, you want my opinion?” Nathan asks.
“Nobody wants your opinion,” Landon says. “We already know what you want to say.”
Nathan ignores him. “It’s going south, but at this point, what are your other options? You gotta ride this out now, man. Can’t back down.”
That surprises me. “I figured you’d want me to get rid of her.”
“I’m not always an asshole,” he grumbles. “Plus, she likes my guitar.”
I laugh softly. “You like her?”
“She’s tolerable,” he says flatly.
“I like her,” Joss cuts in. “In case that matters.”
“It matters to me,” I tell him.
“But does liking her change anything?” Landon asks. “At the end of the day, she’s bringing a lot of bad press down on this band.”
“Mostly on them,” Joss points out.
“Doesn’t matter. He’s a part of this band, and the dumb shit he does affects us all.”
It hurts to hear Landon talking this way but I can’t act like it’s not true. I guess I’m just surprised that he’s saying it.
I’ve always considered Landon my closest friend. Maybe not as much on this tour, because of all this shit that’s been happening lately, but it’s always been the two of us.
We partied together, hung out together. When Nathan and Joss were fighting, we’d laugh at them together.
He’s not wrong. It just hurts. I thought he was the kind of friend that would have my back no matter what happened.
“That’s true,” Joss concedes. “But Nathan also has a point. What’s the alternative?”
“Get rid of her,” Landon says. “Send her packing. Tell everyone you made a mistake, married someone you barely knew, all that shit. Then lie fucking low until our next album comes out.”
I wince a little at the thought. “We’d be throwing her to the wolves,” I say.
“They’d never let her go,” Nathan agrees. “And who knows how she’d handle it.”
“She could spill some shit if she wanted to,” Joss adds, frowning.
“And there’s the simple fact that it would be a fucking dick move,” I say, annoyed that they’re thinking more about themselves than about her.
“Fine, whatever,” Landon says. “Frankly, I think you should keep her around if you want to.”
I hesitate. “Really?”
“Sure, I don’t care what some shitty gossip rag writes about us. Have you guys seen the latest sales numbers?”
Nathan perks up. “They’re good?”
“They’re fucking fantastic.” Landon grins at me. “Maybe your bad idea might bear some fruit after all.”
I sigh a little. “I’m glad my stupid decision can help sell some CDs.”
“This doesn’t really solve anything,” Joss says, pulling the group back on topic. “Chase, what do you want to do with her?”
I don’t answer right away. My head and my gut are telling me two very different things.
My head’s telling me to distance myself from her. We can stay married for a while, but don’t let her anywhere near the spotlight, which means getting her far away from the band. We can still give her a recording contract and all that shit, but she doesn’t have to be touring. Then we can divorce once this has all blown over.
But my gut’s screaming at me to keep her close. Maybe my gut isn’t the right place on my body, maybe it’s more like my hard fucking cock.
I don’t want to let her go. Every second I spend around her is the happiest second I’ve had in a long time. All the drinking, the partying, the girls, all of it pales in comparison to the way I feel when I’m around Delia. It’s strange, almost absurd, but it’s the truth.
When Joss met Grace, I couldn’t believe that one person could be better than sampling every single groupie in the world. Now
though, I totally understand how there can be a much deeper, more satisfying connection. It’s not just fucking when I’m with Delia, it’s more than that.
She knows me. She knew me when I was young and I don’t have to be a rock star around her. I can be myself, let down some walls, take off the armor, at least temporarily.
That’s not something I thought I’d get again in this life. I made the decision to become a public figure, and I thought there was no going back.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I can go back, at least when I’m with her.
“I know what I want…” I say finally, hesitating. “But I don’t know if it’s right.”
“No real way to say one way or the other,” Nathan adds helpfully.
“For what it’s worth, I can tell you’re happy when she’s around,” Joss says. “That alone is worth keeping her around.”
“I agree,” Landon says. “She should stay.”
I look over at Nathan and he shrugs. “She can stay. Doesn’t matter to me.”
He goes back to strumming and I let out a breath, relief flooding through me. “Okay,” I say. “She’ll stay.”
Joss grins and Landon goes back to his book. “You’re making the right call,” he says.
“What if it’s not? What if it fucks up the band?”
“It won’t,” he says. “All this shit out there, it’s just chatter. The band is right here, making music. That’s what we are.”
“Yeah.” I take a breath, let it out, and stand up. I turn and leave the bus without another word, walking back toward the hotel.
I meet Karl and Delia in the street about a block up. Karl’s staring straight ahead, practically pretending like Delia doesn’t exist. She lights up when she spots me, though.
“Let’s get going,” Karl grunts at me and walks off, probably going to find his car. Delia stops and stretches a little.
“You okay?” I ask her.
“I’m okay.”
“Ready to go?”
“Ready.” She grins a little. “At this point, what else can they say about me?”
I put my arm around her and we start walking back to the bus. “I’m sure James can think of something. Maybe he’ll accuse you of killing babies.”
“Oh, that’s good. I do love to drink the blood of babies.”
“It’s good for the complexion.”
“Don’t forget about how I drown puppies and kitties while getting myself off.”
“Not your fault you can’t come without murdering small animals.”
“Just how I was born,” she confirms. “I just love watching the light leave their cute little eyes. Gets me soaking wet every time.”
“Gross,” I say, laughing. “But also strangely hot.”
“Now you know how I feel. It’s a very confusing fetish.”
I grin and pull her tight against me. “How was the walk with Karl?”
“Weird,” she admits. “I expected him to yell at me, but he was totally silent the whole time.”
“Really?” I frown a little. “I would’ve expected yelling.”
“Yep, but silence. Didn’t say a word to me. Literally pretended like I wasn’t around.”
“That’s almost worse.”
“Like I disappointed my dad or something.” She shudders a little and I hold her tighter.
“If it makes you feel any better, the guys all let me know that they’re on our side.”
“That actually does help. I kinda figured they’d all want me gone by now.”
“Nope, apparently not.”
“Good to know.” She takes a deep breath and looks up at me. “What are we doing, Chase?”
I shrug a little. “I don’t know. Who cares. It’s fun, right?”
“Yeah, it’s fun.” She chews her lips. “I’m afraid I’m giving up a lot.”
“All this gossip rag shit is going to pass, I promise.”
“I know, but still… I feel like there’s something else I’m losing.”
“What?” I ask.
“I don’t know.” She sighs, shrugging. “It’s just been a tough night.”
“I know. Come on, we’ll relax on the bus.”
“Perfect.” She forces a smile for me, and I appreciate her strength more than ever.
We walk together down the street, and although I half expect James to pop out with his camera and a cast on his nose, we’re totally alone. It feels good, like we’re normal people again, at least for a second.
Until we get onto the giant tour bus and hit the road, speeding toward our next show.
18
Delia
On the road to Durham, NC, I can’t stop looking at my phone.
“Seriously,” Chase says to me, his head poking into my little bunk cubby. “I’m going to take it away.”
“Leave me alone,” I grumble, rolling onto my side.
He sighs and disappears back down underneath me. I can hear his silent disapproval as I skim yet another ugly article about me filled with absolute lies.
After the initial release happened, all these other blogs and phony news outlets started to pick up the story. Once they started repeating it, the original version got all distorted like some evil game of ‘whisper down the lane.’
I thought I could keep myself away, but as soon as we started driving, I got sucked back into the vortex. I’ve been hiding in my bunk for the last couple of hours, staring at the screen and wondering when it’ll all be over.
“You’re just going to drive yourself insane,” Chase says softly. “Believe me, nothing good is going to come of it.”
“I know,” I say. “But I can’t help it. I’m, like, addicted to my own destruction.”
Another disapproving silence, but at least I’m being honest with him. It’s a morbid curiosity that’s driving me to keep looking stuff up, keep obsessing about all these tweets and articles and blogs. I should shut off my phone and try to sleep, but my brain’s buzzing like mad.
The trip passes like that for me. Eventually, the guys all get into their bunks and get some sleep. I’m the only one that stays up all night, staring at her phone.
The bus parks near the venue early the next morning. I wake up with a start, not realizing that I had drifted off. I groan and check my phone, almost greedy for another article, at least to prove that it wasn’t just some bad dream.
Sure enough, I’m still a lying whore.
I roll out of bed and use the bathroom. The guys are in the main cabin, drinking coffee. Chase hands me a mug and puts his arm around me, clearly looking protective.
“I hate this town,” Landon grumbles. “Nothing around here.”
“I like the south,” Joss says. “It’s beautiful country.”
“I have no opinion,” Nathan cuts in. “As long as we get a decent soundcheck in.”
Chase laughs a little, although it sounds strained. “That’s all you ever care about.”
“We’re on tour, nothing else worth caring about.”
I smile a little bit. It’s almost like nothing’s happening outside of this bus, like the world isn’t collapsing in on itself.
Karl comes with breakfast sandwiches and the conversation turns to the set list. I sit back and try to ignore the hammering of my heart, the tearing in my gut. I nibble on a bagel while Chase argues with Landon.
Karl keeps giving me looks. I can imagine what they mean, but I’m afraid to ask. I’m afraid of everything right now.
At first, I thought this was going to be my big break. I thought this would mean I’d finally have a shot in the industry, maybe finally make it as a musician. I’d get the real chance I’d always wanted and put out the kind of record I know I can make.
Instead, I realize I’ve come so far from that goal. Music is the last thing on my mind right now. I’m either obsessing about how my name is being destroyed in the public, or I’m wondering what I’m going to do with this constantly growing desire for Chase that I can’t seem to shake.
It’s all so tan
gled up and messy.
“Okay, boys,” Karl says suddenly after checking his phone. “Venue’s open, stuff’s been unloaded, it’s time for an early soundcheck.”
“Awesome,” Nathan says, jumping up with a huge grin.
“First time he’s smiled all morning,” Landon notes.
Nathan ignores him, jumping off the bus, with Landon hot on his heels. Joss grins and winks at me, following them out.
“I’ll see you later, okay?” Chase says. “Hang out here if you want.”
“Sure,” I say softly.
He smiles a little, squeezes my shoulder, and follows his bandmates.
That leaves me alone with Karl.
“I’ll clean up,” I say, not knowing what he wants to hear.
“Sure,” he grunts, and follows the boys.
Leaving me alone with my thoughts. Exactly where I don’t want to be.
I spend the next twenty minutes straightening up the bus. It’s not so much a mess as just lived-in. Hard not to get a little messy when you have this many people crammed inside. It’s still a bus, after all.
Once I’m done though, I can’t sit still. I keep seeing all those tweets and posts in my mind, all those nasty comments promising nasty things. I’m buzzing with anger, horror, sadness.
I get off the bus and head inside. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t be alone right now.
The sound of the group warming up over soundcheck comes wafting through the halls. Security isn’t great in this place, since I walk right in without any issues. As I head toward the stage, I run into Karl.
He’s standing off to the side, watching the guys go through their routine. There’s a look on his face that I don’t recognize, and for a second I work to place it.
He’s looking at them with utter devotion.
It’s shocking. I didn’t expect it. Karl always seemed so detached and professional, but this… he looks like he loves them. Like he actually wants them to succeed.
I clear my throat, afraid that my presence is intruding on something. He snaps back to himself, his face clouding as he turns to me.
“Oh, it’s you.” He frowns a little
That’s more like it.
“I need to make this stop.”