by B. B. Hamel
That seems to take him by surprise. He raises an eyebrow. “Did you talk to Chase about that?”
“No,” I say, not sure where this is coming from. It’s happening so suddenly, but…. I don’t know what else to do.
I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep reading these articles, these posts. I can’t keep seeing my name on the internet while random people shit on me and call me a whore.
I have to be done with it. I have to get away.
“Okay then,” he says. “You want out anyway.”
“Please,” I say. “I don’t want to hurt him, but I… I can’t do this.”
He nods, his face still passive. “I understand.”
“Do you?” I glare at him, suddenly taking my anger out on this random man. “I don’t think you could possibly understand.”
“More than most people,” he says. “If you really want out, I can make it happen.”
“How?”
“Let me worry about that. I’ll make sure they stop writing those fucking articles. You’ll disappear from the news cycle.”
“Can you actually… do that?”
“Absolutely,” he says, staring at me. “But you need to do something for me, first.”
“What?”
“Divorce Chase and forfeit your recording contract. Walk away, wash your hands of this, and never look back.”
I watch him carefully. He’s asking me to sacrifice everything I want out of this. He wants me to leave Chase, the man I’ve started to feel something for, and to give up my dream… all because of this online shit.
All because the world thinks I’m some kind of whore.
“I don’t… I don’t know.”
“Those are my terms. If you leave, divorce Chase, and forfeit any recording contract we talked about… I’ll make it happen.”
“I have to think.”
“Think fast,” he says. “I’m not going to wait forever. At some point, it’ll get beyond anything I can do.”
I bite my lip, nod, and walk away. I hurry away from the stage, suddenly eager to put as much distance between myself and Slide as possible.
I can’t hear their music right now. It just breaks my heart.
Chase. My dream. Totally gone… and this torture can stop.
I don’t know how Karl can force me to give him something like that. If he has the power to help me, I’m surprise he isn’t just doing it. He has to see how it’s hurting Chase and the other guys…. Unless this was his plan all along.
Force me into a corner, force me to give him what he wants… and only help me when I’m desperate enough.
Doesn’t matter. Even if he is that devious, he’s my only shot at making it stop right now. He’s my only chance.
I want it… but leaving Chase…
I don’t want to give up that feeling.
The way he kisses me. The way he looks at me.
I don’t know if I can live with myself, knowing I’ve given up on that.
I walk away, back to the bus, and hide in my bunk, my phone turned off and left in the other room, but still haunting me.
19
Delia
The next stop on the tour is Philadelphia, back to where the guys are from. It’s not the last stop, but it feels like a little bit of a homecoming for them.
Chase is in a good mood as the bus speeds up I-95. I want to join in on that mood, but I know I can’t.
Karl’s offer keeps rolling around in my head. Part of me is skeptical that he has the pull to make all this bad press go away, but then again, he has been in the business forever. If anyone can make it happen, he can.
Which means he hasn’t yet. He’s deliberately letting me suffer right now. If he has the power to stop this, he’s choosing not to use it, and that’s almost as awful as the negative attention itself.
Clearly Karl is playing a game on a whole different level. It’s almost terrifying, his ability to seamlessly manipulate the band into doing what he wants them to do. I suspect he gives them just enough leeway to make them feel like they have a choice.
When in reality, they’re doing what Karl thinks is best.
Whether that’s true or not, I don’t know. But the fact remains that if I want my life back, if I want to be able to go back home without this stench of controversy hanging over my head, I have to do what he wants.
And he wants me to give up Chase. He wants me to walk away, free and clear.
I spend most of the ride keeping to myself. Chase tries to pull me out of my funk at first, and I so desperately want to give in to him. But I push him away, stay quiet, don’t give in. I know I’m being a dick, but it’s the best thing for both of us.
I know that if I let myself get sucked into his orbit, I’ll never walk away. I won’t be able to.
He has a draw for me that I just can’t explain. I thought it was because he’s famous and I love his music at first, but now I’m seeing it’s much more than that. It’s our past, our present… it’s the way he smiles, touches my body, makes me laugh. It’s the way we flirt and kiss.
But every time I let myself think about that stuff, I can’t forget about all those articles, those comments, calling me a whore and so much worse. If I stay in this world and embrace what he can give me, I’ll be letting all those trolls destroy whatever I used to be.
I don’t know if I can step away from my old life, not completely.
Not yet.
I stay in my bunk and eventually Chase gets the message. He leaves me alone, although I can tell it hurts him every time I roll away when he tries to reach out. I want to explain why, tell him it hurts me just as bad, but I know I can’t.
We get to Philly and the venue after most of the day. The guys help unload the equipment and I find myself watching, standing off to the side.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t feel like I belong here anymore, but I also can’t seem to make myself walk away.
As I watch Chase unload his bass guitar and carry it inside, a pretty girl sidles up next to me.
“It’s funny that they still help out, right?”
I look over at her. She smiles, warmly and easily. She’s pregnant, really pregnant, like about to burst at any second kind of pregnant. Her hands are on her hips like she’s supporting the weight of the baby, but her smile is so genuine.
“Are you Grace?” I ask, suddenly taken aback.
“I hope so,” she says, laughing. “And let me guess. You’re Delia.”
“Hi.” I blink, shocked. I can’t believe Joss’s wife has heard my name.
Grace smiles easily again, leaning toward me. “I’ve heard all about you. Joss told me everything.”
“Oh,” I say. “I’ve heard all about you, too.”
She laughs. “Good things, I hope.”
“All great things.”
Grace is actually pretty famous. Her marriage to Joss was sudden and apparently the early days were pretty tumultuous, but now they’re as close as anything else.
Of course, I didn’t know that their marriage started out as a bet. It was fake, and Joss was supposed to divorce her right away… and instead, he kept her around, made her come on tour with him.
She fell in love, as hard as he did, and here they are. Happy and together and pregnant.
“What do you think so far?” she asks. “Tour is pretty nuts, right?”
“Right,” I agree. “Although I bet it’s been crazier in the past.”
“Probably, when they were all single. Now they’re pairing off. How sad for them.” She gives me a smile and a wink.
“Not that sad,” I mutter, and she laughs.
“Listen, standing around sucks for me. Want to come for a little walk?”
“Uh, sure, that’d be great.”
“Joss!” Grace walks over to him and kisses his cheek. She says something and points at me, and he smiles.
The way Joss looks at her is amazing, like she’s the most amazing thing in the world. It’s a treasure, having someo
ne who looks at you like that…
The way Chase looks at me.
It comes to me, unbidden and startling. Chase looks at me with that same kind of devotion, that same nearly obsessive passion. He looks at me like he can’t make himself look away, and I get chills when I notice him doing it.
It’s the same look Joss gives Grace.
She smiles and kisses him again before she comes walking over. “C’mon,” she says, slipping her arm through mine. “I need a little support.”
She doesn’t actually, though. She doesn’t put her weight on me at all, and instead sets the pace, strolling down the block. It’s a pretty day in the city and people are out, sitting on their stoops, laughing and talking.
Grace seems familiar with the neighborhood. The block is covered in shade trees and the buildings are all old brick. I can see why people like this city.
“Joss has said good things about you,” Grace says. “You’re a musician?”
“Trying to be, at least,” I say.
“Oh, come on. I listened to your record. It’s really good.”
“Thanks. You and ten other people heard that thing.”
“Oh, please. Not everyone can get as lucky as Slide did.”
“Yeah, well, sometimes I wish a little of that luck will trickle down.”
“I hear it will, if you just stick around.” She gives me a look and a smile.
“So you know about the deal, huh?”
“Joss tells me everything. Hope you’re not mad.”
“Mad? God, it’s such a relief being able to talk about it.”
She giggles softly. “These boys are so stupid. How can they think getting married is going to solve all their problems?”
“Is that how it started with you and Joss?”
She looks thoughtful for a second. “No,” she says finally. “He was more… possessive. And I thought he was an asshole.”
I laugh and she grins at me. “What happened?” I ask.
“We got to know each other and I realized what we had was real, even if the marriage wasn’t.”
“It’s pretty amazing.”
“It really is. I mean, when you find someone like him, you can’t let them go. Sometimes it’s just hard to see, with all the other crap in the way.”
“Your situation seems so simple though. You guys got married and fell in love.”
“Maybe, but we were lying to the world in the same way you and Chase are. It’s just that you guys are getting caught.”
I sigh, looking down at the ground. “That’s my fault.”
“No, it’s not. You’re unlucky and clearly Chase isn’t doing a good job.”
“Yeah? I mean, I’ve made some stupid mistakes.”
“Listen, their world is bizarre. I mean, you come from a music background, but still… it can’t be anything like what they do.”
“It’s not,” I say, laughing a little ruefully. “I’m very familiar with playing local bars, though.”
She grins at me. “How could you have been expected to just magically know all the ins and outs? Even Joss helped me out, took lead on interviews, prepped me, all that stuff.”
“Chase is trying to do that, he’s just…”
“Not as good at it.” She shrugs a little. “It’s not easy, faking a marriage.”
“Tell me about it.”
She laughs easily again and I know I really like her already. It’s the way she carries herself, so happy and easy to get along with. I wish I had met her sooner.
“Joss really likes you, you know,” she says. “He thinks you’re good for Chase. You make him happy.”
“Yeah?” I smile a little. “That’s almost hard to hear.”
“Is it?” She cocks her head a little. “I thought you’d be excited. Unless… are you not into him?”
“Into Chase?” I blink, surprised. “I am really, really into Chase.”
“Good.” She perks up. “So there’s no real issue.”
“Joss may like me, but Karl despises me.”
She frowns a little and sighs. “Can’t say I’m surprised.”
“He wants me to divorce Chase and walk away.”
“He wanted me gone, too.”
“Really? Did he offer you a deal?”
“Deal?” She makes a face. “Not exactly. More like a threat.”
“Yeah, well, he said if I walk away from this, he’ll make all the bad press disappear.”
She’s silent for a second, her pace slowing next to me. I look at her face and I can tell she’s thinking about something. Finally, she stops and looks at me.
“You’re considering it, right?”
I shrug. “I’d be crazy not to. I mean, you’re reading what they’re saying about me online.”
“Yeah,” she admits. “It’s pretty bad.”
“It’s horrible. They’re ruining my life. I mean, I don’t know how I can go back to anything after this.”
She nods, biting her lip. “But you’re into Chase. Really into him.”
“You see my problem.”
She sighs and takes my hands. “Not really, no.”
I raise an eyebrow. “I want Chase. I don’t want to leave him… but if I stay, this negative press is gonna tear me apart. I don’t think I can take it anymore.”
“Oh, I understand all that,” she says, smiling at me. “But I just don’t see a problem.”
I take a breath and let it out. “Okay, I’ll bite. What do you mean?”
“You’re clearly in love with him, and from what Joss tells me, he’s in love with you, too.”
I bite my lip. I haven’t thought about love…
“Maybe,” I say.
“Okay, maybe.” She smiles knowingly. “But assuming I’m right, nothing else matters. You two want to be together, so all this online crap, the stupid articles and tweets and stuff, it’s all temporary. But being with him, that’s forever.”
I look away, down the block, at the sunlight coming dappled through the trees, playing on the sidewalk in shifting shapes. “I know you’re right,” I say. “I just don’t know if I can do it.”
“It’s worth it,” she says softly. “I wasn’t so sure when I first started, but trust me… Delia, if you love him, you can’t walk away.”
I look into her eyes and she’s smiling. She’s the proof of what I’ve been thinking about, of the risk I’ve been too afraid to take. Grace has been where I am, a slightly different situation, but still more or less the same. Grace is proof that it can work out.
If only I can let go and give myself to him. If only I can trust him.
“I don’t know how,” I whisper.
“It’s okay, you’ll figure it out.” She pulls me against her and hugs me. I hug her back, a total stranger, but I feel like we’re sisters right now.
I smile, a little teary-eyed, feeling stupid. She squeezes my hand and we head back to the venue, walking slowly, not talking.
I keep thinking about him, about what my life could be like if I stayed. I don’t need a record deal or any of that. I don’t need fame.
I’d just need him, because I love him. I know I love him. I’ve known for a while now, even if that’s terrifying.
We walk back together, my hand in Grace’s, and I know I’m going to make the biggest decision of my life, one that will change everything from here on out. I just don’t know which decision that’s going to be, not yet.
When we get back to the bus, the guys are finished unpacking. They’re standing around in a loose circle, talking about something.
When they spot us coming, Joss breaks away. Grace drops my hand, smiles, and goes to him.
I stand there a second, feeling stupid.
And then Chase turns to me. His bored expression instantly changes when he looks into my eyes.
A smile breaks across his face, the same smile Joss had when he first spotted Grace just a few seconds ago.
It’s the same look. Pure joy, pure desire. He smiles and I know what decision I
have to make. Even if it’ll break me, change me, morph me into something new.
Even if it’s the wrong decision, I can’t turn back.
20
Chase
The roar of the crowd always keeps me going. Even when the world is darkest, when nothing seems like it’s going my way, the crowd always keeps me moving forward, keeps me from giving up.
Except tonight.
Tonight, I can’t seem to feel the music, the passion, the fans. I can’t seem to connect with any of it.
The only thing I can think about is Delia.
Every song feels like it’s about her. Even though I didn’t write the lyrics and I wasn’t with her when they were written anyway, it all still comes back to her. Every crescendo, every poignant riff, it all comes back to her.
I can’t shake her, and I don’t want to. I know the guys are supportive but they have to see what my relationship is doing to the band. It’s a risk and if we don’t get it together, we might destroy everything we’ve worked so hard to build.
Maybe they’re willing to risk it, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid to let it all burn.
I can’t stop thinking about her. All through the show I’m thinking about her, wondering if she’s watching, if she’s okay or if she’s too busy reading the awful things people are writing about her to loosen up and have a good time.
I’m worried for her and I’m afraid for her.
When the show finally ends, and we finish our encore set, I hurry through to the back. Grace is there, waiting for Joss. I smile at her as I pass and she gives me a little wave.
I rush toward the green room. I don’t know why but my heart is racing. I half expect her to be gone, to disappear without a single word. I don’t know why, but I wouldn’t blame her. I wouldn’t even be surprised.
Instead, there she is, sitting where I last left her. No phone in her hand, which is good. She stands up when I walk into the door.
We stare at each other for a second. I can hear the others coming down the hall toward me but in this moment, it’s like the volume knob is turned down on anyone but her.
“You were great,” she says.
“I know.”