I Spy
Page 34
‘That is so macabre,’ Milly used to say, whenever I went on about how sad it was that we no longer do this.
I never told Zac how I felt about this lost tradition. In some ways he truly knows me. But in others … well, there are others he has never come close to imagining.
I slip the bracelet on my wrist. ‘I do want it.’
‘The rest of her ashes are with Peggy. I thought you might want to bury them with your parents, or scatter them near there, maybe in the sea. It’s for you to decide.’
‘What about you?’
‘I didn’t just hurt the two of you, Holly. I hurt myself too.’ He pushes up the sleeve of his shirt. Around his wrist is a narrow band of white metal, with a large oval capsule. ‘There’s a chamber in the bead like the ones in the charms. It binds me to her.’ He lowers his voice. ‘It also binds me to you. I hope you don’t mind. If you do, you can have this one too.’
‘No. You keep it, Zac.’ I meet his gaze and he flushes.
‘I’m so glad you came.’
‘Me too.’ I touch Alice’s hair, and she opens her eyes. ‘I don’t want to say goodbye to you, little birthday girl.’ I slide my booted foot from the bench.
‘Big.’ Alice is fully awake again. ‘Big, big, big.’
I laugh. ‘You’re right. Big birthday girl.’
‘Don’t,’ says Zac.
‘Don’t what?’ I say, though I know exactly what he means.
‘Don’t say goodbye.’
Alice pulls herself from Zac and throws herself at me, presses her face into my chest. ‘No. No go.’ She dissolves into tears, clinging like a koala bear as I soothe her. At last, she relaxes across my lap, though her arms are tight round my waist.
Zac says softly, ‘I’m with Alice. Don’t go, Holly. You and I belong together. We can get it right this time. I’m different. I’ll do anything to make it work, to make it up to you. We can get married. You can adopt Alice. You only have to say yes and I’ll put the legalities in motion.’ He moves closer, draping Alice’s legs over his thighs, while her upper body continues to rest across my lap, her head in the crook of my arm. ‘It’s what I’ve dreamed of since you ran away. Getting you back.’
No better way to get a man to love you forever than to run away from him. That was what Eliza said. She knew the truth of that. Maxine, who is an expert at identifying human desires, and understanding precisely how to use them in order to purchase information, knows this too.
I cannot fathom how long Maxine has been planning this. When did she foresee the circumstances that would allow her to put it in play, given the innumerable contingencies? She can envisage the impossible, figuring out the solution to a complex puzzle made of constantly moving pieces. And Martin, too, letting me walk away with Alice’s identity documents. And George, helping me find that medical data. At every point, they knew what to do with me. I couldn’t give them Jane, but I can still give them Zac, who they always wanted just as much. Because Zac remains their best chance at getting Frederick Veliko.
I have looked at it all. I have considered everything, aided by the clear-thinking Maxine. She spent a lot of time by my hospital bed, before I was well enough to leave Yorkshire. Explaining how it can work, spelling out how she and I can each grant the other a very fond wish.
As things stand, I have no legal rights to Alice. She will be alone with Zac and I won’t be able to protect her. Would Jane have wanted that, after everything she sacrificed to keep Alice safe? It is inconceivable that social services would take Alice from him. If by some miracle they did, she’d end up in foster care.
Even if I were to complain to the police about the things he did to me, there is no way I could prove them. MI5 and GCHQ would never admit the evidence I needed even existed, and his films have been consigned to Maxine’s dark caverns, where they belong.
Three different women ended up without a child, yet he is the one who gets to walk away with a little girl in his arms. The intelligence agencies of two countries, bolstered by the life-destroying might of the IRS, couldn’t find Jane, couldn’t catch her. It was love that did that. Love that made her vulnerable. Love that killed her. That love was more powerful than any of those relentless institutions.
I can hear Maxine’s voice, echoing over the glass table and across time. Asking how far I would push it. Asking where the line comes. Asking if I would sleep with someone for the role, to save my country, to save my own life, to save the lives of hundreds of others. I said then what I thought she wanted to hear.
But what I know now – and know deep in my bones – is this. Whatever anyone says to that interview question will be a lie. You have to be in the situation before you can know the true answer. And when it comes to my child, and Jane’s child, the true answer is that I will push it as far as I humanly can. The true answer is that there is no line. The true answer is yes. Because I cannot abandon this child. I could never walk away. I will climb back into Zac’s bed, deliberately and with full intent, in order to claim her and keep her. I will move on with Alice, move on with my life, but keep her sister with me always, inside us both, so she moves on with us. I will not leave her behind.
Zac’s hand is in my hair, on my face. He murmurs my name as he presses against me, whispering, ‘Is that a yes?’ and I say, ‘Yes.’ He kisses me, a lover’s kiss, and I kiss him back, with Alice warm in my lap. His eyes are half-closed, and I see a crescent of blue in the left and one of brown in the right, because mine are wide open.
Enjoyed I Spy? Make sure you’ve read Claire’s previous books:
You left me no choice, Clarissa.
I just want to take you home, Clarissa.
I know your darkest secrets, Clarissa.
Clarissa is becoming more and more frightened of her colleague, Rafe. He won’t leave her alone, and he refuses to take no for an answer. He is always there.
Being selected for jury service is a relief. The courtroom is a safe haven, a place where Rafe can’t be. But as a violent tale of kidnap and abuse unfolds, Clarissa begins to see parallels between her own situation and that of the young woman on the witness stand.
Realizing that she bears the burden of proof, Clarissa unravels the twisted, macabre fairytale that Rafe has spun around them – and discovers that the ending he envisions is more terrifying than she could have imagined.
Click here to order a copy of The Book of You
I’m the sister who got away.
The lucky one. Until now.
It is ten years since Ella’s sister Miranda disappeared without trace, leaving her young baby behind. Chilling new evidence links Miranda to the horrifying Jason Thorne, now in prison for murdering several women. Is it possible that Miranda knew him?
At thirty, Miranda’s age when she vanished, Ella looks uncannily like the sister she idolized. What holds Ella together is her love for her sister’s child and her work as a self-defence expert helping victims.
Haunted by the possibility that Thorne took Miranda, and driven by her nephew’s longing to know about his mother, Ella will do whatever it takes to uncover the truth – no matter how dangerous …
Click here to order a copy of The Second Sister
Acknowledgements
* * *
I am indebted to my agent Euan Thorneycroft for his wise guidance and the many wonderful things he does. Here is one of them. When Euan and I first discussed my idea for this novel, he said, ‘How about calling it I Spy?’ I don’t think novels necessarily find their true names, but this one did, thanks to Euan. My editors, Sarah Hodgson and Emily Griffin, saw from the start what I Spy could be, and helped me to realise that vision, never losing faith, guiding me when I was lost, and seeing much more clearly than I could exactly what needed to be done. Working with them is a great privilege and joy. Kathryn Cheshire’s editorial input was also immensely valuable. This is my third novel to benefit from Anne O’Brien’s elegant and meticulous copyediting. I am extremely grateful to the superb teams at HarperCollins UK and HarperCol
lins USA – they are the most talented and dedicated people any novelist could hope to work with. A. M. Heath Literary Agency is celebrating its 100th anniversary this year – Happy Birthday, A. M. Heath, and thank you for all that you do.
My husband Richard gives me painstaking support. His acute critical eye is a rare and precious thing, and I Spy gained immeasurably from his expert feedback. My parents, my sister Bella, and my brother Robert never waver in their belief and love. And now for my daughters. Imogen acted as my specialist medical reader, applying her considerable knowledge to ensure I got things right and making suggestions I would never have thought of. Her expertise and passionate encouragement made a huge difference to I Spy. So did the training event that we went to together at the Royal Society of Medicine, who do so much good. All mistakes and fictional liberties are my own. Lily makes me laugh harder than anyone, and lets me read my work-in-progress aloud to her. She has fantastic editorial judgement and a huge capacity to forgive me for the amount of time my writing takes. Violet spent many hours in my study, my sweet companion as I worked. When it all got too much, she would make me take a break and we would watch films and music videos and eat ice cream. As ever, my love and thanks go above all to my three magical girls, and to Richard, who is magical too.
The epigraph is from the first edition of Anne Brontë’s novel, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, originally published under the name Acton Bell. Printed by T. C. Newby, London, 1848, Volume I (of Three Volumes), Chapter V, ‘The Studio’, pages 85–86.
For those affected by the issues in this novel
* * *
Sands – Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity
https://www.sands.org.uk/
Tommy’s
https://www.tommys.org/
International Stillbirth Alliance
http://stillbirthalliance.org/
The Lily Mae Foundation
https://www.lilymaefoundation.org/
Petals
http://petalscharity.org/
Bliss
https://www.bliss.org.uk
Women’s Aid
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
National Domestic Violence Helpline
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
Refuge
https://www.refuge.org.uk/
National Centre for Domestic Violence
http://www.ncdv.org.uk/
Respect
http://respect.uk.net/
Victim Support
https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/
About the Author
Claire Kendal was born in America and educated in England, where she has spent all of her adult life. Her first novel, The Book of You, was a Richard and Judy title and Sunday Times top ten bestseller. It has been translated into over twenty languages. Claire teaches English Literature and Creative Writing, and lives in the South West with her family. I Spy is her third novel.
@ClaireKendal
/ClaireKendalAuthor
Also by Claire Kendal
The Book of You
The Second Sister
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