Her voice got distant, “No, but you had the engine running like you intended to.”
“How long have I been out?”
“Three days.”
My eyes widened. “Three days?”
“You had a concussion.”
The other three people in the room woke up and she went quiet but the look on her face made me feel uneasy. Chloe and Moses stood slowly but looked worn out. Chloe clung to Moses’ side with half open eyes and he had beard growth that was unruly.
“Glad to see you’re okay,” said Moses stiffly.
Chloe nodded, “Yeah that was close.”
I sat up a little but it hurt. “You guys have been here the whole time?”
Moses shrugged, “Didn’t want Brianna held up in a hospital by herself…pregnant.” His words had double meanings. He gave me quite a glare and for the first time in my life, I felt embarrassed with my lifestyle.
Danielle woke up and yawned, “Hey, Mr. Gilmore.”
“Hey, Danny.” I smiled a little for her then sat in quiet.
“I need coffee,” said Chloe. “Be back in a little bit.”
Brianna didn’t even respond but Danielle got up and followed them out of the room. A doctor came in right behind them and Brianna and I resigned to silence while he checked me over. I have to stay another night but I’m not dying.
When he left, Brianna stood up and shouldered her purse. I can see the sleep deprivation now. The rings under her eyes and the paleness of her skin. She held her bump with her other hand and took a really deep breath.
“So…listen,” she said calmly, “Because, I’m not having this conversation more than once and no talking. Just sit there and hear me out because I’ve had three days to work this out.”
I nodded but she can’t see me so I whispered, “Alright.”
She held her chin up, “We aren’t a couple. I don’t want to be a couple, especially after this but the bottom line is I have no say over your life. I’m not the girlfriend that can demand change from you or the wife that has to deal with what is. I’m the mother of your child. I can make requests…that’s about it.”
Shame was crushing the life out of me but I kept my promise and listened.
She swallowed, “You told me you wanted us; that you wanted in on this. You told me to stop pushing you away, so I did. I thought you could at least control the habits but it’s clear you really can’t. You’re a mess. You’re a thirty-something, man with all the opportunities life can offer and no limits to your power but you’re weak.”
That stung but I listened.
Her voice went lower, “You were drinking that night. The cops might not know it but I know it and you know it. I think I get why you drink. I realized it after the third morning of your coma. I had both your parents called, your mom didn’t pick up and still hasn’t called back and your dad…he just wanted to know if you faxed some report. He didn’t ask if you were okay, he didn’t fly out and he didn’t call back. No matter how upset I am with you, the simple truth that you have no one who cares really hurt me.”
She wiped a tear from under her eye, “I realize now that you don’t know how to be happy. I was an orphan but I probably had more love than you did.” She took a deep breath again, “But at some point in life, we can’t blame our parents for how we turn out. We have to acknowledge the hurts and grow past it. Grow from it.”
My head is pounding but my heart is throbbing. I’m waiting for her to tell me she never wants to hear from me again. I’m waiting to hear that I’ll never see what the combination of Brianna and I will look like; our baby.
Taking an unsteady breath she went on, “I thought about walking out of here and letting you alone but I think that’s your problem. People keep leaving you alone but I can’t change you either. It’s not my job to fix you. So here are my terms…if you want us…if you want to be in on Blueberry then quit. Quit all of it, because you aren’t dragging all this shit into our lives. It’s like I said before, you’re either all in or all out. If you can’t quit and this happens again, I will cut you out of our lives and there won’t be any second chances.”
I considered all that and tried to reason what was best. Maybe walking out now was better for her and the baby? Maybe I can’t quit. Maybe I can but I’m afraid.
I spoke with strained chords, “I’m not sure what’s best…” I admitted.
She nodded, “I have a question…were you about to drive that night? The engine was started. Were you about to drive? Tell me the truth and I’ll believe you no matter what.”
I don’t want to answer that but I sense not answering will be perceived as cowardly, “Yes.”
“And if I was out? What if I was walking and you weren’t alert enough to see me?”
Just the thought turned my stomach. I felt so sick even considering that chance. What if it wasn’t her? What if it was some other woman I don’t know? Pregnant or not. What if it was Danielle? Brianna’s best friend or her Doula?
“If you become my family through Blueberry,” she said and I looked up, “Then my love for you will never die. You see how I am with my friends, but they aren’t responsible for giving me a beautiful baby to look forward to. Whether we ever end up together or not, I’ll always love you and be thankful to you…I could date or get married but you’ll always have a part of me that no one ever will. You’d be family but family means more than coziness. Our lives will matter for someone other than ourselves. I won’t put myself or Blueberry through this again. So you need to figure out what you want. Walk away if it’s not us.”
She took up her stick and walked out. After a good thirty minutes of sitting by myself I realized she wasn’t coming back, nor were her friends or Danielle. I put on the TV for a distraction and flipped around. I stopped on the news. Hearing headlines from sports to weather to Hollywood buzz. When I saw Roman’s picture I frowned and turned it up.
There was a seen behind the reporter of Roman’s car crushed and in ruins with yellow tape all around the area. There were cops and flashing lights and paramedics but in the bar below the headline read,
Record breaking song artist is killed in a collision yesterday.
After driving under the influence Roman reportedly sped down a back street and swerved to avoid a minivan. He went head on into a tree.
Every part of me felt like fire. I was hot from the emotion and haunted by the fact that while I lay in a coma my friend had died in a similar fashion to what happened to me. I lived, though.
After I was released from the hospital I had a hired driver take me to a flat I have in the heart of the city. I keep it for no real reason, except it’s close to the office. I found out Roman’s funeral was the same day and even though I felt like shit, I went.
I made it while everyone was gathered at the cemetery. He had a lot of people here. His band, his manager, his PA, his mother…she was…in pieces. Her crying is hard to hear. Song artists he’s collaborated with are also here but what got me most was what had to be his daughter.
She’s I guess eight. Dressed in black like her mother; her lip keeps trembling. She’s holding it back. Strange, since I thought children didn’t hide emotion. Her mother; she’s very beautiful. I’ve seen her in magazines as Roman’s ex, but I hadn’t known they had a kid. She’s crying silently while holding her daughter close into her side.
The image made me think of what Brianna said. That I would in some way always be part of her thanks to our baby. That must be how Roman’s ex feels. Those aren’t hollow tears. She isn’t crying about lost money, she’s crying about a lost chance.
The eulogy given by his brother is beautiful but none of it’s true. Roman, wasn’t a great father, people don’t even know she exists. He wasn’t responsible. He didn’t have numerous Charites. He wasn’t the best friend in the world and he had no respect for life.
He’s dead because, like me, he had no control and instead of living for the people he loved no matter how few, he instead, lived for a night out. He d
ied because he didn’t call a cab.
The little girl I didn’t know existed until a few nights ago is finally breaking down before my eyes over a man that offered her nothing but money. No time, no wisdom, no protection. She didn’t look like she wanted the money right now. When her mother picked her up, she was so long she overwhelmed her mom’s arms but the tears falling from both their eyes….
I turned around and put on my sunglasses. Is that what I want? Brianna told me to figure it out. Is that what I want for her and Blueberry? Standing over a plot of land, in black, weeping for someone that robbed himself?
I got in my car and gave the driver instruction. He drove us a long while and I watched the trees pass. The sun was bright today leaving a warm feeling on my shoulder and one side of my face. After a good while, we stopped and I got out.
I closed the car door just as Brianna came out onto our front steps. She’s holding the banister for balance looking out blankly.
I went her way slowly and considered the weight of this decision. The bump under her dress is hard for me to understand and connect to but it’s no less real. Once at the bottom step I looked up at her. I took one step up and she reached out. She found my chest first and moved up to my shoulder. With delicate touches, she moved up to explore my face and I closed my eyes. Here she goes again, seeing me.
I went into her arms and took a breath. She held me there tight against her. Her fingers through my hair were comforting. Her arms around my head and shoulders were comforting. Her scent, her warmth, the bump between us, all comforting. The lasting kind.
BRIANNA
Twenty-five weeks! I am six months pregnant. Me. The blind virgin. Well…I was a virgin, but I’m still blind.
Gabriel’s return into our life was a little unexpected. I was very sure he would back out but here he was. He comes home after work and though we don’t spend every minute together he doesn’t spend the time apart partying.
I see- no wait ‘hear’ him more at work than at home. Like today, I came into his office with printed notes and documents, “Hey,” I don’t really need my cane often at work. I know the building.
“What is it?” he barked.
I tried not to smile. Gabe was giving up lots of things, even smoking. This made for a grumpy millionaire.
“I have three things that need your signature and then I can fax them.” I tried to sound musical.
“Well, come here! Christ. Don’t just loom!”
I frowned, “Calm down.”
“I waved you over a hundred times, while you were talking.”
I pulled my neck back, “Oh gee, why didn’t I see that?”
He sighed, “Right, sorry. Just come on. I’m on a conference call. It’s taking for fucking ever. And yes, I have it on mute this time.”
I felt my way to his side and handed him the first one. Now I can hear the meeting coming over his speaker. “Don’t forget I have to leave at three.” I reminded.
He stopped signing, “Why?”
“Ultrasound, remember?”
He swore, “Three? Alright, just wait for me in the lobby downstairs-. No, stay up here away from the press.”
“You don’t have to go. I can tell you what the sex is when I get back.”
He sounded like he was getting up, “Here, fax these and I’ll be out in half an hour.”
I took back the papers, “It’s boring really. They just check measurements and stuff.”
“I need to go with you. Just do the fax and wait for me.”
“Why do you need to?”
He pinched my chin between his thumb and index finger to lift it up, but with authority in his tone, “I don’t always have to answer to you. Just do what I ask for once.” I fought a smile but then jerked my chin away and walked to the door with the faxes. “And stop wearing those bloody stilettos in the office, they make me nervous.” He added.
“I wear flats on the street and put them on once I’m up here. Like I always did. Plus they aren’t that ‘bloody,’ high.”
He started railing at me but I waved him off. Yes, they kill but they make me feel less fat. I faxed the signatures and sat waiting, ready to go with my purse and stick.
He was a little late but he made it. He took a cab with me to the doctor’s. Funny, because he hates cabs.
“If it’s a boy,” I whispered. “We should name it Gavin.” I giggled and he pulled his arm across me, pulling me into him with a laugh.
Once we got there and everything was in place the nurse left for a while so it was just us. Me on the exam table with my belly exposed and Gabe in the chair next to me.
“This is nerve wrecking,” I told him.
“Why is that?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged and pet my belly, “What if it has six toes or two heads?”
“Considering its mother was a virgin anything is possible.”
“Okay, your twisted humor, of which I usually love isn’t helping right now.”
He laughed, “Blueberry doesn’t have six toes.”
“Will you tell me what he or she looks like? Honestly, I didn’t mind putting off the ultrasound so long. I hate that I can’t see. Everyone else gets to see but…” I pursed my lips to stifle the emotion. “It sucks you know? I wanna see it too. Nose, eyes, ears, lips…”
He rubbed my shoulder, “I’ll tell you everything…I promise…” that made me feel a smidge better… “Want to place a wager?”
I sat up, “Yes, let’s do that.”
He laughed, “Alright, um…I say it’s a girl.”
I grinned, “I say boy and if I win, you have to do dishes for the first time in your life.”
“You’re going to waste your winnings on chores? We have house help, that’s-.”
“Okay, let me think.” I bit my lip and thought, “if I win, you let me pay for the ultrasound-.”
“Nope. Try again.”
I sighed, “Fine. If I win, you have to change the first diaper.”
He groaned, “Definitely not.”
“You have to…let me pay for the cab ride home…”
“We have a driver and I own very nice cars.”
“But I like cabs and I know all my drivers. Extra bonus, the press doesn’t follow us because they know you’re too snobby to ride in one.”
He muttered, “Fine. You pay the way home.”
I laughed, “Now you.”
“If I win, and it’s a girl, I want…you to admit, that there’s even the smallest chance, I’ll win your heart one day.”
Oh. I didn’t expect that. My smile faded a little. Not because the thought was unappealing, but because I don’t know if he has what it takes to try and that’s sad.
Before I could answer the nurse came back. “Are we ready?” she asked.
I nodded.
She tapped on the computer keys, “Anyone else we’re waiting on this time?”
I laughed, “Uh no, but they all have their phones glued to their hand for when we call.”
She laughed and kept up the tapping. I felt the cold gel go on my belly and she started her pressing and prodding. The heartbeat I live to hear beat wildly in the room forcing me to smile. I’m always anxious until I hear it.
Gabe stood up and I remembered this is the first time he’s seeing the baby. I could hear him zombie walking over to the monitor and I really wished I could see his face.
The nurse covered the head measurements first and worked her way down. It took forever. I wanna know what’s in there, what is Blueberry but she just keeps giving us heart size. I love that too but dear lord get to the sex.
“Gabriel,” I whispered, “Tell me something.”
He ignored me. Wow. Okay.
When she finally reached the part I’d been dying over she stopped, “I’ll be back in a bit.” She shut it all off and I frowned. “Wait-.”
She left anyway. I heard the door. Why?
Chapter Twenty-One
BRIANNA
“Gabriel? Is everything okay?�
�
He put a Kleenex in my hand, “You can take the gel off.”
I started to truly panic inside, “You’re scaring me, is something wrong with Blueberry? Did you see the sex?”
“Blueberry looks healthy,” he sat by me again.
“Why are you being so weird? I’m freaking out here.”
He laughed, “Just be patient.”
“I don’t want to. Tell me what the baby looks like. Please. Come on, this is all really mysterious and it’s making me nervous.”
“You just have to wait…”
I felt hurt by his dominance over the moment. “This is my baby too.” I said.
“Just, wait…”
I laid back on the slightly reclined table and waited. We waited for fifteen minutes. Fifteen! Then someone came in only to leave again, we waited for five more minutes! What’s going on?
“Hello,” said the nurse.
“Is something wrong?” I asked. “It’s a little weird how you left. Is the baby okay?”
“See for yourself, Miss Birks.” She laid something gently in my lap. It felt light but hard. I touched the edges first, it was square.
“What is this?” I asked no one specific.
Gabriel stood up again, “Keep touching…”
I brushed my hand over the center and froze. “Oh, my God.” I took my hand away. “Tell me.”
There was a smile in his voice, “We had a 3D printer convert the ultrasound of Blueberry into a relief sculpture. You can feel the head and arms, the face…a little more than a profile.”
I hate hormones but I think even if I wasn’t pregnant that this warranted a good cry. “W-what…?” I trembled from the inside out. “You mean…this is Blueberry?” I wept.
“Take a look,” he encouraged.
I made myself touch. I’m so excited my body feels like it’s on a Ferris wheel. This is my baby. I feel a nose. That’s the first thing I noticed. Lips. Wow, I can tell just by feel those are daddy’s lips. I lined them forever. Over and over. Then lower; chin. I went back up along the cheek-, an ear! I traced the ear. All my jealousy blew away. I’m seeing my baby and it’s perfect!
The Co-Parent (The Relationship Quo Series Book 3) Page 21