“Oh, New Years Eve?” I put the folder under my arm. “Where are you?” I started to hear people and the sounds they made tipped me off. It’s a party. “Never mind…” it hit me what was up. “I’ll leave the folder in your office, you can…you know. I’m going home.”
“You’re disappointed, yeah? Just say it.”
I felt like crying but he’s not going to know that, “Nope. It’s your life.”
“Don’t cry about me, Bri. I’m just damaged. Not your problem.”
My shoulders felt so heavy, “I guess this is you trying to prove that to me, right? You want to make me hate you?”
He was quiet a long time, “I don’t want to be anything other than what I am. That’s all. Not your fault. Not your…responsibility.”
This is like him handing me a formal letter of resignation. His way of saying ‘I quit.’
I heard the elevator down the hall and felt a need to wrap this up. “I’ve never seen you as my responsibility. You’ve always been free to do what you want. You just made me think you didn’t want to be this.”
“Sorry then…” he sounded completely sloshed.
“Bye, Gabriel.”
I hung up and pulled it together. I went down the hall and unlocked his office to go in. I sniffed back the emotion as I felt around his desk for a flat spot to lay the folder. That’s when I felt the tiny little box. I know what these boxes feel like. I lifted it to my nose. Yep. A nearly empty cigarette carton.
Okay.
So, he was lying all along. I knelt down and carefully checked inside the bottom drawer. Yep. Half empty liquor bottle. I sniffed it and got slapped by scotch.
Okay.
So, I was a little stupid thinking he just stopped.
As long as he doesn’t try to drive I guess being an alcoholic is just in his DNA.
I called my Dad, Tony when I was back in the car. The driver doesn’t do small talk so I pretended he wasn’t here.
“Hi,” I said to Tony with the phone pressed to my cheek.
“You okay?” he asked. That’s how he answered; like he knew.
“Um…” I fought a tear. “Well…remember when Gabe had that accident and you said he wouldn’t change?”
He sighed, “Yeah…”
“Turns out you were right.”
He did that sorry sound men make, “Bri, I didn’t say he wouldn’t. I said, don’t expect it. That kind of living is more than bad habits. It’s usually driven by hopelessness.”
“But how can he feel so hopeless when he has me and Blueberry? I’m showing him all the time what family is.”
“Honey, that’s not what it’s about.” He said. “People can come from perfectly happy families and have a drinking problem. They can still have hopelessness. It’s about will. I know you didn’t expect to change him but you did hope. You’ve also never had an addiction. You don’t know what it’s like.”
“But you did…?” I called him out on something I could only guess at.
“Yeah,” he confirmed. “I did.”
“You gave it up for Daddy Ray?”
“No, I tried to give it up for Ray. I failed a lot. It wasn’t until I gave it up for me. You have to be done. You have to decide you are simply done.”
I decided to climb in his head, “Why did you drink, Daddy? Was it hopelessness like you said?”
His breath in the phone alone was comforting. “They didn’t have as many writers like Roisin Black when I found out I was gay. Maybe if they had I wouldn’t have felt that alone even with a lover. If Gabriel drinks to escape things, he won’t stop until he has a solid reason to not want to escape. Ray was the beginning of why I stopped. He was the anchor but I was finally ready…”
I let myself cry a little but silently so Tony wouldn’t hear.
“You also need support…” he continued, “from someone that’s been there. So I maybe should’ve stopped trying to intimidate him long enough to offer help.”
I smiled through the tears. “I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you too, girly.”
GABRIEL
I woke up at five in the morning on New Year’s Eve. I was lying next to a redhead, but it wasn’t my redhead, it wasn’t Brianna.
Even though this looks bad, nothing happened. I couldn’t. I tried but the beauty beside me wasn’t enough. The booze wasn’t enough. The tobacco taste in my mouth…
I got up in the still dark and unfamiliar bedroom and got dressed. I hurried out, avoiding the ready press at the front door of Jacob’s Beverly Hills home. I went out the back. I stopped at a Starbucks and put something stronger in my coffee like usual and held a cig between my lips as I got back in my car.
I was about to drive when I felt it. I felt it all so suddenly I was almost afraid.
I’m dying.
It’s very clear.
I can see it in my own eyes looking back at me in the rearview mirror.
The metal gray is shining too bright.
I don’t know if it’s my liver from the drinking.
Maybe it’s my lungs from the smoking.
Could be the decision to drive in a minute.
Or maybe the timer I’m seeing is by my own hand more directly. Maybe I’ll off myself.
Could be the combination but the end result is the same. I’m dying and if I don’t quit I’ll take Brianna and Blueberry with me. If I don’t quit they’ll be Roman’s daughter and ex-girlfriend at that funeral but I can’t quit.
I broke and called a driver but with a finally selfless decision. The guy showed and took me home from the coffee shop. I got into the house and started packing quickly. I tiptoed to Brianna’s room to see she was deeply asleep still then I kept going.
I got groomed and put together in a fresh suit then grabbed my duffle bag and a couple suitcases. I need to move it because Moses and Brianna have their yoga today and he comes early but by the time I had my hand on the front door-.
“Were you going to say goodbye this time?” Brianna’s voice pained me.
I turned to find her standing behind me in her pajamas wrapped in a thin robe. Reminding me how precious she is to me. How far removed from all the rubbish.
“No,” I told her honestly. “Thought it was better I didn’t.”
“The proposal is in New York, right?”
I licked my lips, “Yes.”
“You already know after what happened to my parents I kind of hate planes. New York scares me a little too. Please don’t leave like this.”
I looked at the door then back at her, “I know what I did last night hurt you. Don’t pretend it didn’t.”
She got closer. “Yeah, it hurt big time. You’re a lying sack of shit.” She put out her hand and found my arm. “I don’t forgive you.” She came closer, “But I love you and I don’t want you to leave us like this. I want you safe, there and back.”
My eyes were hot as hell. Warm when I blinked. “That’s…I’m not coming back, Brianna.”
She gripped my arm. “What does that mean?”
“I can’t stop,” I confessed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I failed you and at the last fucking minute but Bri…I’m not strong enough for all of what you’re asking.”
She opened her mouth to fight that and I set down a case to hold her chin, “I know. I know you didn’t ask. That makes it worse. What I mean is, I can’t be what’s good for you and Willow. I need to make a choice that’s actually going to benefit the two of you not just myself. I want both, see? I want to drink and I need it, understand? I need those things to feel all right. I also want you. I want this,” I looked at the house, “I want all of this…the family you’re offering but I’m like poison to the beauty of it.”
She’s really crying. About me. Silent tears. Strange. Never seen that before. I thumbed away the tears. “You are so strong, Brianna. You’re born to be a mother. You’re all the things mine wasn’t. I’m so happy it was you. I’m lucky really but you can be more to Willow than two parents and I don’t want tears for you. Understan
d? Love? Listen to me…I’m doing this for both of you.”
Brianna’s head shake made me desperate to make my point.
I tried harder. “We aren’t doing this the new way. The co-parenting is too much. We’re going to do it the traditional way. I send you more money than you know what to do with and you give our daughter all the things I can’t, to make up my loss.”
She went into my arms and I held her there. I think she sees it too. I hope she does. She has to see how fucked up I am.
“I love you.” She whimpered.
I smiled into her hair. “I love you too, little American.”
Rip
Rip
Gash
Clawing
Rawness.
That’s how this feels.
I peeled her away and moved.
I’m not taking my jet, I’m taking the normal people way but in first class so the semi-normal people way. I need time to think and I lied to Brianna again. The proposal isn’t until the day after New Year’s Day. I just know that if I didn’t leave today then I wouldn’t. I didn’t even get on a flight until six at night.
I looked at my watch during the layover in Illinois. It’s late. The further I get from her the more I see how right I was. It hurts but in a good way. I know she’ll raise Willow well and I’ll help financially. That can be my way of showing love to both of them.
I saw a woman sitting by herself in the waiting area while I typed away on my laptop. She’s pregnant. A couple months behind Brianna I think. She’s reading a book and rubbing her bump. I stopped to watch her. A man came up to her side and handed her what looked like a coffee. I’m thinking its caffeine free. Wow. My mind has changed that much.
My phone buzzed and when I checked it I saw it said, Mom. My mom…I was so tempted to answer but then I asked myself why. She doesn’t care about me, she never has. I can’t pretend for anyone right now.
When my flight was called I stood up and closed down my stuff. I was shouldering my duffle when the phone rang again. I silenced it but then it buzzed like mad. I looked and frowned. Chris Realtor came up on the ID. The Doula Jenzy’s Chris.
I answered, “Hello?”
He took a breath, “Hey, so…my wife told me to call you. Your…girlfriend…friend…lover…baby mama… she’s in labor and we’re all just hanging here at the hospital. Thought you might wanna join.”
I stopped and looked around like someone at the airport could answer all my questions. “What? What the-? It’s coming? The baby is coming now?”
He sounds so calm, “Yeah, yeah, that’s what they say. All I know is Jenzy and I were in bed early, which never happens and then we got this call and here I am, in a hospital waiting room, in my PJ’s.”
“I’m at the airport!”
“Hmm, well, you should reschedule that and get here.”
I looked in all directions. “No…” I ran my hand over my face and through my hair. “No, wait. I’m staying away. That’s the point.”
“I’m not really qualified to give relationship advice so I’m going to hang up, but someone said you needed to be told and Brianna is asking for you-.”
“She’s asking for me?”
“In a demanding sort of way. That’s what they say. Yes.”
“Well if she’s asking for me I have to be there right? Isn’t that-? What do I do? Do I go? Shit! If I’m going…how…I’m in Illinois. Fuck. I’m in fucking Illinois! I’m not in the state. What do I do?”
“Labor can be really fast or really slow but either way my advice is run.”
I hung up and did just that.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
GABRIEL
After ten bribes and three very shady deals I landed in California at almost midnight. My driver met me at the airport and tore through traffic like a nutter.
I passed a bunch of people stumbling from a club and realized it was New Years. I’d completely forgotten. Willow would be born on her exact due date.
We got to the hospital and I made the final sprint. I won’t stay; I’ll just get Brianna through this hard bit. I can do that. Leaving the first time was horrible but I can do it. I came to the waiting room where all her family and friends were. Chloe was sitting in Moses’ lap, Tony, was pacing, Ray, was sitting forward on a chair. Danielle, was sitting with her head on Chris’ shoulder almost asleep and he was lounged out in flannel pajama pants and a hoodie with the hood up.
“Hey,” said Chloe. “She’s in room 553, Jenzy is working with her.”
Moses kept Chloe close, “Thought you weren’t coming.” He said.
I just stood there a minute. Now I’m not sure again. They all seem so calm. “How is she?” I asked.
Ray smiled, “Almost ready to push. If you go in try to be easy and quiet.”
I just stood there some more. She has all these people. What would she need me for?
“Come on,” said Tony.
He waved me back and I followed. We went down a narrow hall where I could see rooms at the other end but part way down he stopped. “Go in.” He said.
I frowned. “I know you don’t like me…”
“It’s not about that right now. Right now, my granddaughter is being born and her mother wants you. She doesn’t know you’re coming so you can leave, but I don’t think you want to.”
I straightened. “Chris said she was asking for me.”
He shook his head, “She told me when we first picked her up, what you did. She told me she wished you’d come. I told Chris to call and to say she was asking.”
I thought on that.
“Let me put it another way,” he smiled. “You won’t ever get this moment back. If that’s making you feel even a little sad you need to get in there and disappear later.”
I gave myself one last questioning but at the end of every inner debate, I needed to see Brianna. I went up to her door and opened it slowly.
Brianna is sitting in a bed that’s tilted up. She’s holding her bump and with her chin tucked in she’s groaning. Jenzy is sitting behind her and making easy circles on her back.
I was expecting screaming and bright lights; lots of doctors in and out and a loud bunch of noises. This room was lit but not bright. She wasn’t screaming so much as grunting and moaning. There was actually a sort of magical ease in the room.
When the pain subsided she reached back for Jenzy’s hand and Jenzy took it. When she saw me Jenzy only smiled and beckoned me in. I’m grateful she didn’t just announce my arrival. I slipped in and closed the door without a sound.
Brianna used all the breathing from her yoga with Moses. Easy in and out. She gripped Jenzy’s knee, “Another one is coming,” she told her.
Jenzy smiled again and touched her hand, “You know what to do. Embrace it with me, okay?”
“Okay…” said an unsure Brianna.
She groaned again and tucked her chin. She was louder this time and the pain lasted longer. When it was done she leaned back into Jenzy catching her breath.
“Good job, Bri,” Jenzy encouraged, “We’re almost there.”
“I’m not ready for another one,” she hiccupped.
“Your body knows that. Breathe in the break. When the next one comes, you’ll surf it, just like you’ve been doing.”
“I’m a little scared again,” she confessed. “It’s the dark,” she broke a little. “I want light and I’m- I feel-.”
“I’m right here,” Jenzy assured.
“No,” Brianna groaned, “What if something goes wrong? I keep seeing it-.”
“Stay in the moment, Bri,” Jenzy pulled back her hair. “Be in this moment. Nothing is wrong.”
“I can’t- I’m- even breathing, I need more air-.”
I went over and touched the side of her face, “Don’t tell me we need to dance on the bed again, Love?” I said.
She turned her face up and took my hand before feeling up the sleeve. “Gabriel?” she held my wrist tight. “Gabe?” she cried and it tore me open.
&n
bsp; I held her face and kissed her lips. I just needed her to know it was me and that I was here. She pulled my sleeve, “Another one…” she managed, “Jenzy?”
Jenzy smoothed her shoulders, “I’m right here, Bri. Very good, just take it in. Breathe, breathe,” she went on and Brianna tightened up and moaned. She searched for my hand and I took hers. She held it so tight I was surprised she was that strong. As soon as the contraction was over I sat on the edge of the bed.
Each moment folded into the next and before I knew it there was a nurse and a doctor and they were telling us that the baby was crowning. I don’t even know what that means but I’m holding onto Brianna and she’s bearing down. Jenzy is on her other side now doing the same, just holding her hand and arms and whispering encouragement.
There’s so much going on I feel like the room is fading away to just us. Just Brianna trusting me and I don’t want to do anything to ruin that. Jenzy is amazing; I see why we needed her now.
“Pull your legs back, Mommy,” said the doctor as she poised herself between Brianna’s thighs. “Back, honey, back.”
Jenzy motioned to me, “hold her thigh, Gabe. Look, gently,” she demonstrated by wrapping her hand around the back of Brianna’s thigh and pulling back carefully.
I removed my jacket as fast as I could and mimicked Jenzy with her other leg. Brianna gripped my shoulder and fought to catch her air before pushing again.
They all keep telling her to push and Brianna tucks her chin and keeps pushing the moans deep into her body. She’s shaking from the effort but she’s so beautifully strong. Holding on to me and doing something so incredible.
Her nails are digging into my arm and my mouth is against her ear, telling her how great she is. I’m so proud and I don’t even know why. She doesn’t need me but she wants me and that’s an honor in itself.
Half our baby is appearing between her legs and I feel cold air filling my lungs but I kept my attention on Brianna.
With a final push, I caught movement in the corner of my eye. The doctor caught the baby and with grace, she turned it in her arms and set it on Brianna’s chest.
The Co-Parent (The Relationship Quo Series Book 3) Page 27