Believed (My Misery Muse)

by Betzold, Brei

  “What, why?” I asked.

  She shrugged and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Beau shredded most of my stuff when he broke into your apartment.”

  “We’re heading out,” Stan called and the bus began to move but I barely noticed I was too busy watching Jules fidget after announcing that.

  “Why would he do that?” Eli asked quietly.

  “Probably because when he cornered me earlier that day I didn’t have any money to give him,” she said like it was no big deal, but I could see the pain flash in her eyes before it was gone.

  “I always thought he was a douche,” Seth growled. “Now I think he’s a douche with a death wish.”

  “He was good to me at first,” she said quietly.

  “No, sugar, he was always a boob,” Xavier told her.

  She giggled. “A boob?”

  He nodded and I was tired of everyone talking around what happened tonight. Yes, her ex would have hell to pay soon, I’d make damn sure of it. For now though, I wanted to know what the hell happened while we were on stage.

  “What happened tonight?” I barked, I hadn’t meant to sound so pissed, but I was.

  “Just an anxiety attack,” she said quietly.

  “Why?” I demanded.

  “Tone it down, man,” Seth murmured.

  “Sorry,” I said noticing how pale Jules looked. I gentled my tone, “It was scary, I just want to know what happened so it doesn’t happen again.”

  “Too many people around, I couldn’t keep track of everyone,” she answered quietly. “Add in too many people touching me, I just panicked.”

  “You know he can’t get near you, right?” Eli asked.

  She nodded. “I know that.”

  “Would you rather hang out on the bus or the dressing rooms while we’re on stage?” X asked.

  “No, I like watching you guys perform. I’m not saying I want to watch every show, but I also don’t want to be tucked away like a china doll,” she said vehemently.

  “How about we get one of our security guys to stay with you during a show?” Eli asked.

  “I’ll have Cooper with you,” I said. “He can give you some space, and if you need to leave, he can escort you.”

  “I don’t need a babysitter,” she snapped.

  “And I can’t handle walking off stage and seeing that again,” I yelled. “You scared the hell out of me.”

  Seth stood up and kneeled in front of her. “Hey, do this for me, okay? If Devi thought for a second you were in any kind of trouble, she’d fly out here and beat me with a frying pan. Please?”

  Jules nodded and I let out the breath I’d been holding. My phone rang, seeming to break the tension in the room, I quickly answered it.

  “Hello?”

  “Uhm, Sam?”

  “Yeah, who is this?”

  “Uhm, it’s Ian.”

  “What do you need, Ian?”

  “Well it seems you forgot me at the arena.”

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Fuck, Stan pull off into a parking lot,” I called. “Ian, I’ll call you with an address, flag down a cab, and come meet us.” Then I hung up.

  “We forgot Ian.” I announced to the room. Everyone sat there for a moment before the laughter started.

  Chapter 14

  Jules

  Once we stopped to wait for Ian, I went and grabbed the duffle bag I’d dropped on the counter in the galley. “Present time,” I announced and dropped the bag in the middle of the lounge. I stepped back as Seth, X, and Eli descended on it like a pack of wild dogs. They began passing things around, swapping items out, I watched in perverse fascination. It was like Christmas morning barter style, they were making deals so quickly I couldn’t keep up. I noticed a pile of items tossed to the side and I could only guess they were for Sam who was on the phone once again.

  When they got to the tins of cookies Crispin’s mom had sent I jumped into the foray. “One of those bitches is mine,” I called. I dug through the tins and boxes in search for the one that I knew was packed especially for me. I tossed Sam’s over to the side when I saw it then latched on to the giant purple tub of goodness.

  “Ha!” I called grabbing it and rolling before they could stop me. I also happened to snag a bag of her famous puppy chow, but it was a near miss.

  “How the hell did Devi get Mrs. Harris to bake all of this?” X mused.

  I grinned. “She didn’t, I did.”

  “How?” X asked while looking me over in a new light.

  “Mom loves me,” I said giddily as I popped open my tub and moaned when I saw the double chocolate brownies, chocolate dipped shortbread, and oh hell…fudge. I was going to go into sugar shock before the night was over. I grabbed a brownie, quickly unwrapped it, and took a huge bite.

  “Mom?” X asked looking at me questioningly.

  I looked up and saw his confused expression I swallowed. “Yeah, Cris’s mom was my foster mom,” I told him then took another bite of the brownie. “God, that woman has a gift,” I groaned.

  “Why didn’t I know that?” He asked.

  I shrugged. “Don’t know, it’s not like it was some big secret.” I pointed at Seth. “He’s known since forever.”

  X looked over at Seth. “You knew that?”

  “Yeah,” Seth said slowly, “why, does it matter?”

  “No,” X said, “ I guess not, just interesting.”

  “Eh not really,” I said.

  “Does she still foster?” Eli asked.

  “No, I was her first and last,” I answered with a sly grin.

  “Ian will be here in a few,” Sam said walking over to us.

  “That piles yours,” Seth said pointing at the decent sized pile of loot. Then his eyes turned to me and narrowed. “Watch her sugar intake,” he warned before lunging at me trying to wrestle my treats from me.

  “No,” I screamed holding on to my tub with a death grip while giggling. “Seth, pwetty, pweety pwease,” I begged, “just a little more.”

  “Hell no, I want to sleep at some point,” he laughed out then began tickling me. I squealed, my fingers loosened just enough for him to pull the tub away and hand it off to someone. “Hide that,” he ordered. He sat on me while whomever ran off to hide my sugar.

  I pouted. “You’re mean.”

  “Jules, I’ve seen you hopped up on sugar, you’re worse than Jaks.”

  “Am not,” I said trying to be indignant, only it was hard while he was sitting on me.

  “Jules,” he said eyeing me warily, “the last time you were on a sugar high Cris zip-tied you to a chair.”

  I grinned at the memory. “Man, he was pissed.”

  “Well you did,” he finger quoted, “rearrange,” he smirked, “the shop.”

  I giggled. “His office was dusty, and how was I supposed to know he kept things like that in the shop.”

  “Hold on, what are we missing?” X asked.

  “Jules rearranged and cleaned the shop at like four a.m., and came across a locked drawer in Cris’s office. She somehow picked the lock and found his stash of uhm, implements.”

  I snorted. “Implements, right. Apparently Cris, is a kinky bastard, which I did know, I just didn’t realize he played while at work.”

  Seth pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “She found his stash of bondage items and well, let’s just say, Max had to switch areas because he couldn’t work without giggling like a schoolboy.”

  “I turned his chair into a sex chair; he had leather cuffs and all kinds of goodies. Sam thought it was hilarious, but Cris was pissed. He tied me to the chair at the front desk with zip ties then went through the shop and emptied my sugar stash.”

  X rolled his lips hiding his smile. “I’d have paid money to see Cris’s face.”

  I smiled broadly. “It’s on YouTube.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Uh huh, Devi filmed it.”

  I watched as X took off running. “Be back, need my iPad for this.”
<
br />   The doors squeaked open and as one, we all looked up to watch as a very pissed off Ian stomped a board. I slapped my hands over my mouth to help stifle the giggles, he looked like a drowned cat and just as pissed. Seth rolled off me and I rolled into him shoving my face into his chest trying to hide my laughter. Only I lost it when I felt his chest vibrate in contained laughter.

  Sam

  “Uhm, what happened to you?” I asked Ian.

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” he hissed then stopped to glare at something behind me.

  I peeked over my shoulder to find Jules with her head buried in Seth’s chest, both shaking. Then all of a sudden it was like a dam broke and she was rolling on the floor, howling with laughter. Seth was holding on to his stomach laughing just as hard. I rolled my eyes to the ceiling waiting for Ian’s break down.

  “Fuck you!” He screamed and stormed off. This only added fuel to the fire causing Eli to finally let go and join the other two on the floor.

  I turned back to Stan who was also laughing along with the other loons “Stan, everyone’s here, we can go now.”

  He nodded but didn’t make any move to start driving, I sighed and went back to check on Ian. Not that it wasn’t funny, because well it was. Since we met him, he’d had this holier than thou air about him that didn’t sit well with us. When I first saw him I had to fight to keep a straight face, but one of us had to remain an adult. That of course fell on me, since I already heard Xavier laughing from the bunk area.

  I also knew I’d be getting a call from the label later about us leaving Ian behind. Though honestly it had been an accident, also it was partly his own fault. Everyone knew what time we were leaving and it was their responsibility to be on the bus on time. I eyed Jules on the floor, I wouldn’t have left her behind and I’d have noticed she wasn’t on the bus, I thought. Then tried to reason that’s because it was our job to make sure she was safe, and leaving her behind wasn’t doing our job.

  “Where are we off to now?” Jules asked looking up at me.

  “Salt Lake City,” I answered.

  She scrunched up her nose then nodded. “How long are we going to be there?

  “Just the day, we have a radio interview tomorrow afternoon then the concert tomorrow night.”

  “After that?”

  “Denver.”

  “Ooo,” she murmured, “where are you playing in Denver?”

  “Red Rock,” Seth answered.

  She squealed and started kicking her legs in the air. “Oh my god, oh my god, I’ve always wanted to see a show there!” She said giddily.

  I smiled down at her, her excitement was palpable. “I—” but was cut off by a pissed off Ian.

  “Why did you leave me?” He snapped shoving his finger in my face.

  In a flash Jules was up and shoving Ian away from me. “Hey jackass!” she yelled. “He told everyone to be on the bus at three a.m., it’s not his fault you were too busy getting your cock sucked that you didn’t make it in time.”

  “I…I wasn’t having my cock sucked,” he sneered.

  “And I really don’t give a shit what you were doing, but if the resident man whores can make it on time so can you.”

  “He should have waited!” Ian yelled.

  I opened my mouth to say something but Jules glared up at him. “You’re their personal assistant not the other way around. You might want to remember that. You’re also a fucking adult so act like it and take responsibility for yourself.”

  I looked around and found all the band standing there with their jaws hanging open and shocked look on their faces, I was pretty sure mine looked similar.

  “You can’t talk to me like that, I work for the label.”

  She laughed harshly at me. “Oh trust me we all know who you work for, we also know you’re their little bitch boy.”

  “Okay that’s enough,” I said stepping between a near fuming Ian and a livid Jules.

  “At least I’m not a band slut,” he yelled.

  Everyone stopped and quiet descended, Ian had enough intelligence to look scared.

  The sound of Jules laughter broke the spell. “At least I can say I don’t require payment to fuck someone.”

  I watched as she skipped off towards the bunks then turned to Ian. “Get away from me now,” I said through gritted teeth. Ian looked up then around at four very pissed off men and gulped before running to the front of the bus and sitting on the jump seat.

  “Can we throw him off the bus now?” X asked.

  I nearly said yes, while it was moving preferably.

  Chapter 15

  Jules

  After my run in with Ian, I laid down in my bunk and willed myself to sleep, only it eluded me. The massive high of endorphins through the day should have caused me to be exhausted only I was oddly hyped up. I laid there and listened as the others slowly came and climbed in their own bunks, the bedroom door opened and shut. I couldn’t get my mind to shut down long enough to relax. I wasn’t even upset about the confrontation with Ian. I knew when it came to me personally I’d take a lot of shit before I stood up for myself but if you screwed with someone I cared about I had no problem throwing you under a bus.

  I let my mind wander, hoping to bore myself to sleep only that led me down a path I rarely thought of any more. My mother. I wondered if she was happy? Safe? Why? Why didn’t she want me? Why wasn’t I good enough for her? More importantly, what had I done to cause her to leave me behind? Was there something wrong with me that caused the people who were supposed to love me hurt me? I pulled myself way from those thoughts, they would only lead me back down a path I didn’t want to go. I’d worked too hard and too long to go back to feeling the resentment and pain it caused.

  I sat up smacking my head on the bunk above, I laid back down and groaned at the pain flaring in my head. “Well that’s one way of changing the direction of my thoughts,” I mused quietly. This time instead of trying to sit up, I rolled out of my bunk onto a pile of laundry that seemed to have grown since I initially went to bed. I had a vision of waking up some morning to find that the laundry had trapped me in the bunk, I giggled, buried alive by dirty boxers and holey jeans what an embarrassing epitaph.

  I crawled through the mess and out the curtain that partitioned the bunk area from the galley. It was like a whole new world where there was tile instead of dirty socks that tried to grab and strangle you before you could get away. I shook my head at my morose thoughts, this is what thinking of my mother got me. I noticed a pair of legs in a pair of pajama pants that I recognized and silently groaned in embarrassment.

  “Is there a reason you’re crawling on the floor?” Sam asked amusement lacing his voice.

  I snickered. “Trying to get away from dirty clothes before they buried me alive or held me hostage.”

  “Do I want to know?”

  “Probably not.”

  “Here,” Sam said holding out his hand, I reached up and grabbed it, and he easily pulled me to my feet. “Couldn’t sleep?”

  “No too many memories trying to take over, what about you?”

  He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, “Work, I have a conference call in an hour.”

  “Is that all you do?” I blurted out.

  “Is what all I do?”

  “Work.”

  “Someone has to.”

  “What about having one of the guys help?”

  “Seth helps but he’s busy a lot of the time with his family.”

  “And X or Eli what about them?”

  He sighed. “They don’t have any interest in the business side they just want to play music.”

  “How do you know?”

  He blinked. “Know what?”

  “That they don’t have an interest in the business side?”

  “They’ve never asked to help.”

  “Maybe that’s because they don’t think you need the help. You’re going to burn yourself out going like this though, maybe you should ask them if they're interested, t
hey may surprise you.”

  He barked out a laugh. “I prefer doing it myself that way I know it’s done.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Of course.”

  He pulled me out of the galley, into the lounge and sat down on the sofa, I laid down putting my head on his thigh. I kept a hold of his hand and smiled when he laced his fingers through mine.

  “So why are you a perfectionist?” I asked looking up at him.

  “I’m not,” he said but I could tell he believed that as much as I did.

  “You are,” I grinned up at him. “You know perfection is a mark that can never be met, right? I mean we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect, but what’s perfect to one person is another person’s failure. It’s an illusion we struggle to meet, it’s just setting oneself up for failure. I’d rather be flawed and make mistakes than fight for something I can never achieve. You miss too much wallowing in failure, you miss out on life.”

  He ran his fingers through my hair and I nearly purred. “How did someone so young get so smart?”

  “Young in age but wise in years,” I quipped.

  “Why were you in foster care?” he asked quietly.

  I groaned and buried my face into his pant leg. “No escaping the memories tonight,” I murmured.

  “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

  “It’s not that, I just don’t want you to look at me differently.”

  “I won’t.”

  “You will, you can say now when you don’t have the information that you won’t, but that will change it always does. My mother left me when I was eight.”

  “What do you mean left you?”

  “Do you want the condensed version or the full bleeding heart version?”

  “As much as you’re willing to tell me,” he whispered while running his fingers through my hair.

  “Mmm that feels nice,” I murmured losing myself in his touch for a moment. “When I was eight, my mom took me to an office, I didn’t understand at the time that it was Child Protective Services. She told me to sit down on a chair and wait for her. I did, she brought me there at nine in the morning and I sat there all day waiting for her to come back. Around six o’clock that evening, one of the workers finally noticed me. I was still sitting where my mother left me.”