Witch is How To Lose Big

by Adele Abbott

  Clearly, I was going to get nowhere with that woman. One thing that she’d said did strike me as curious. She said his name was Edward. Past tense. Was that significant? Did she know something I didn’t?

  ***

  Barry had been a little under the weather over the weekend, so I magicked myself over to Aunt Lucy’s, to check on how he was doing.

  As soon as I walked through the door, I could hear raised voices coming from the kitchen; Aunt Lucy and Lester were arguing. I was just about to turn around and leave when she spotted me through the open door.

  “Don’t just stand there, Jill. Come on in.”

  “Are you sure? If this is a bad time, I can—”

  “Don’t be silly. Come on in.”

  “I was just about to leave, anyway.” Lester stood up. “When Lucy’s in this kind of mood, there’s no point in trying to reason with her.” With that, he stormed out of the kitchen and out of the house.

  Aunt Lucy raised her eyebrows. “Men!”

  “I’m sorry if I called at an inconvenient time.”

  “That husband of mine is driving me insane. Do you know what he’s done this time?”

  “It’s really none of my business.”

  “He’s applied for another job.”

  “I thought you’d be pleased about that. You hate him working as a grim reaper.”

  “That’s true, but the new job is even worse.”

  “Worse than a grim reaper? What could possibly be worse than that?”

  “The fool has only gone and applied to train as a dragon slayer.”

  “I didn’t know such things existed.”

  “To be perfectly honest, neither did I until he told me what he’d done. Apparently, the city authorities employ a few of them; they work just beyond the dark woods. Their job is to make sure none of the dragons venture into the suburban area of Candlefield.”

  “Surely that must be dangerous.”

  “Dangerous is an understatement. From the little research I’ve managed to do on the subject, it appears there’s a fatality rate of almost twenty-five per cent in that line of work.”

  “You can’t let Lester do that.”

  “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell him ever since I found out what he was planning, but he has his heart set on it now.”

  “Why, though? What’s the appeal?”

  “The money mainly. As you’d expect, they have to pay extremely high salaries. How else would they get anyone to do it?”

  “Would you like me to have a word with him?”

  “It wouldn’t do any good, Jill. The man is too obstinate. Anyway, let’s talk about something else. All this dragon-slayer stuff is giving me a headache. I’ll put the kettle on.”

  Once we had our drinks, we went through to the lounge.

  “How did your sitting at the waxworks go?”

  “It wasn’t quite the ordeal I’d expected, but the man who did it was horrible. He barely said a word to me all the time I was there. I was told afterwards that he doesn’t approve of celebrities or sports stars being granted wax models. He thinks it should be restricted to artists.”

  “Such snobbery. Do you know when it’ll be ready?”

  “In a couple of weeks, I think.”

  “You must let us know when it’s on display. We all want to see it; the twins have talked about nothing else.”

  “How are the twins?”

  “They’re fine. They came over here for Sunday lunch yesterday.”

  “Do they ever invite you to their houses for Sunday lunch?”

  “That’s a joke, I assume.” She laughed. “I’m not sure either one of them has ever made a Sunday lunch. It doesn’t matter because I love having them all over here. It’s just a pity Jack is a human. It would be nice if you and he could join us too.”

  “Maybe I should trade him in and marry a sup instead.”

  Aunt Lucy looked horrified.

  “I’m only joking. I wouldn’t swap Jack for anyone.” I hesitated. “Unless, of course, they were filthy rich.”

  “Jill!”

  “Still joking. How are those new neighbours of yours?”

  “To tell you the truth, I haven’t seen much of them. From what they said, the baby should arrive any day now. They’re probably busy preparing for that.”

  ***

  I needed bread and milk, so I called in at The Corner Shop on my way home. As usual, Little Jack was on stilts behind the counter. Curiously, he was dressed only in shorts and a vest top, and he looked very flustered indeed.

  After the recent attempted robbery, Little Jack had had a glass screen installed in front of the counter. The last time I’d called in at the shop, he hadn’t been able to hear me through the glass, but since then, he’d had an intercom installed.

  I pressed the talk button. “If you don’t mind me saying so, you’re looking rather hot and bothered today, Jack.”

  “It’s boiling hot in here, Jill. When the sun gets onto the glass, it’s like a greenhouse.”

  “That explains the shorts and vest. Have you managed to solve the problem of scanning the goods yet?”

  “I have indeed. I’ve come up with what I believe is a fantastic solution. I’m sure you’ll be impressed.” He pointed to a rack at the side of the counter.

  “What are those?”

  “Handheld scanners. Every time you put something into your shopping basket, you scan it with one of those, and when you’re finished, you come back to the counter, press the buy button, and that will put the total up on the screen.”

  “Brilliant. I’ll give it a go.”

  I grabbed one of the handheld devices and proceeded to pick up the bits and bobs I needed. As well as the bread and milk, I grabbed some muesli for Jack, and a packet of custard creams for me. Every time I put something into the basket, I scanned the barcode with the handheld device. It was all very easy.

  When I’d finished, I went back to the counter.

  “Okay, Jack, I’ve got everything I need. What do I do now?”

  “Just press the green buy button on the handheld device.”

  “Okay, I’ve done that.”

  Jack checked his screen. “That will be fifty-five pounds and thirty-two pence, please.”

  I almost choked. “How much?”

  “Fifty-five pounds and thirty-two pence.”

  “But I’ve only got these few bits and bobs. That can’t possibly be right.”

  “According to my screen, you’ve bought two bottles of champagne and a pot of caviar.”

  “I think your new system might have a few teething problems, Jack.”

  ***

  Poor Little Jack. He wasn’t having a great deal of luck with his shop at the moment. After the champagne and caviar debacle, he’d been forced to add up the items in my basket manually, and he’d promised to get someone in to sort out the scanning system.

  I was just about to get into my car when I spotted an old lady on the pavement across the road. She was carrying a couple of heavy shopping bags and she seemed to be struggling a little. I was about to go over and offer her a hand when, suddenly, a young man on a bicycle came riding down the pavement at full speed. The old lady managed to get out of his way, but in doing so, she dropped both bags, and spilled the contents all over the ground. To my disgust, the young man just laughed and rode away. Still fuming at his inconsiderateness, I hurried across the road, and helped her to pick up her groceries and put them back into her bags.

  “Thank you, young lady,” she said in a feeble voice. “That’s very kind of you.”

  “It’s no trouble. Do you live far from here?”

  “No, just around the corner.”

  “Let me carry these bags home for you.”

  “That’s not necessary. I’m all right now.”

  I wasn’t so sure about that; she still seemed quite shaken by the incident.

  “I insist. Come on, I’ll walk you home and take your shopping into the house.”

  Just as
she’d said, she lived only a matter of minutes away. Once she’d unlocked the door, I carried the bags inside and put them onto the kitchen table.

  “Thank you very much, young lady. I’m afraid I don’t know your name.”

  “Jill. Jill Maxwell. Are you sure you’re feeling all right? Is there someone I can call to come and be with you?”

  “Certainly not.” She waved away the suggestion. “I’m perfectly okay.”

  “Can I make you a cup of tea, at least?”

  “That would be nice, but only if you join me.”

  “I’d love to.”

  “How rude of me. I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Edith, Edith Petalwhite.”

  “It’s lovely to make your acquaintance, Edith. Now, let me make that tea.”

  “I have some digestives if you’d like one.” She pointed to the floral biscuit barrel.

  “Not for me, thanks.”

  “They’re chocolate.”

  “No, really. I’ll be having my dinner shortly.”

  “Do you live around here, Jill?”

  “Yes, just down the road.”

  “I didn’t realise there were any witches in these parts.”

  Her remark caught me completely off guard. How on earth did she know I was a witch?

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t realise you were a sup.”

  “I’m a fairy godmother. Or, at least, I used to be. I’m retired now. It all got a little bit too much for me.”

  “How long have you lived here? In the human world, I mean.”

  “Most of my life.”

  For the next fifteen minutes, we talked about all sorts of things: my family, her family, and the work she used to do, which sounded quite fascinating.

  “If you’re sure you’re all right, Edith, I suppose I’d better be making tracks.”

  “Yes, I’m fine. Thank you again for earlier.”

  “Don’t mention it.”

  “Maybe you’ll pop by and visit me again sometime. I don’t get many visitors.”

  “I’d love to.”

  “Before you go, Jill, there’s a little something I’d like to give you. Would you wait there a moment?”

  “Err—okay.” I assumed she was going to give me cake or something, but when she returned, she was holding a small ornamental trinket box.

  “I’d like you to have this, Jill, as a token of my gratitude for your help.”

  “I couldn’t possibly accept it.”

  “You must or I’ll be offended. It doesn’t have any value, but it’s rather pretty, don’t you think?” She handed it to me.

  To be perfectly honest, it was one of the ugliest things I’d ever seen. “Yes, it’s lovely. Thank you. That’s very kind of you.”

  “I’m afraid I don’t have the key for it; I lost it ages ago. Still, it’s a lovely thing just to put on a shelf and admire.”

  “Absolutely. I’ll do that as soon as I get home.” That ugly thing was going straight into the spare bedroom.

  I said my goodbyes to Edith, and then made my way back to the car.

  Chapter 4

  I was fast asleep when Jack woke me with a gentle nudge. I rolled over to check the time, and to my horror, found it was only six o’clock.

  “What are you doing, Jack? Why did you wake me up at this hour?”

  “Can’t you hear that noise?”

  “What noise?”

  “It’s a kind of flapping sound. And a sort of cooing.”

  “Are you kidding me? If it’s flapping and cooing, then guess what? It’s probably birds. They’re always digging around in the guttering.”

  “It’s more than just a couple of birds. Listen.”

  Fully awake now, I sat up in bed, and listened. He was right. That was way more noise than a couple of birds could have made.

  “It sounds like it’s coming from the back of the house.” I yawned. “Go and take a look out of the window.”

  He walked out of the bedroom, and a couple of minutes later, shouted, “Jill, you’d better come and look at this.”

  “What is it?”

  “Quick. Come here.”

  That man was determined to deprive me of a few more minutes of beauty sleep.

  “What’s so exciting that you couldn’t have just told—” I stared out of the window, open-mouthed. I couldn’t quite believe what I was seeing.

  There, on the back garden, were hundreds of pigeons; you couldn’t see the lawn for them. They were flapping their wings, fighting with one another, cooing, and doing something unmentionable all over our garden. We definitely wouldn’t need to buy any fertiliser for a while.

  “What do you reckon is going on, Jill?”

  I shrugged, all innocent-like, but I had a horrible feeling I knew only too well what was going on. I wasn’t about to tell Jack that the pigeon invasion was probably the fault of that stupid pigeon app. What had Winky done? He was supposed to have turned it off.

  “Why don’t you go and have your shower, Jack? I’ll go outside and shoo them away.”

  “You shouldn’t have to do that. I’ll do it.”

  “No, it’s okay. You have to be at work first. Go and have your shower.”

  “Okay, if you’re sure.”

  As soon as he was in the bathroom, I threw on some clothes and hurried out to the back garden.

  “Hey, you guys. What are you all doing here?”

  A fat pigeon, at the front of the group, seemed to have nominated himself spokesman. “We followed the pigeon route finder app. It was set to global. Do you know who called us here?”

  “I have no idea.” I shrugged. “I don’t know anything about a pigeon app.”

  “It must be faulty again.” The fat pigeon sighed. “That thing is so unreliable. Do you know how many miles I’ve flown to get here today?”

  “I’m really sorry for your inconvenience, but it has nothing to do with me.”

  “I’m going to leave a one-star review for that stupid app.”

  “You should definitely do that, but now it would probably be best if you all left.”

  Clearly annoyed by their wasted journeys, they were all moaning and groaning, but eventually, one by one, they took to the air and flew away.

  “Jill? What on earth is going on?”

  Oh bum!

  “Morning, Britt.”

  “Good morning. What were all those pigeons doing in your garden?”

  “I have absolutely no idea. Just one of those inexplicable things, I guess.”

  “But why were they only in your garden? There wasn’t a single one in ours.”

  “That is rather strange, isn’t it? Still, they’ve gone now.”

  “Yes, but have you seen the state of your lawn?” She pinched her nose and pulled a face. “It’s covered in poop.”

  “I’ll get Jack to sort that out.”

  After Britt had gone back into her house, I grabbed my phone, and tried to figure out how to switch off the stupid pigeon app, but it was far too complicated for me to understand, so I simply uninstalled it.

  By the time I got back into the house, Jack had showered and dressed, and was in the kitchen.

  “They’ve gone,” I announced. “But the lawn is covered in pigeon poop.”

  “What are we going to do about that?”

  “We aren’t going to do anything. I did my bit by getting rid of the birds. You can sort out the poop.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “My pleasure.”

  “Don’t you think it’s rather strange that there were no pigeons in the neighbours’ gardens? I checked Britt and Kit’s, and Tony and Clare’s, and there wasn’t a single pigeon in either of them.”

  “Just one of the many mysteries of life, I guess.”

  “While you were getting rid of the pigeons, Dad called.”

  “Is he okay?”

  “To tell you the truth, he sounded down in the dumps. He’s missing Mum something terrible.”

  “I thought he was doing okay?”
/>
  “So did I, but he was really miserable just now. I’ve asked him to come over on Saturday. I hope that’s okay.”

  “Of course it is. I assume he’ll stay the night?”

  “No. I suggested that, but he didn’t want to. He said he’d rather come first thing in the morning and leave late afternoon.”

  “Fair enough. Have you ever given any thought to whether he might benefit from seeing your mum again?”

  “Not really. I’m not sure how Dad would react if I started to talk about Mum’s ghost.”

  “Seeing her again might be just what he needs to cheer him up.”

  “I don’t even know how I’d broach the subject with him. He’d probably think I’d lost my marbles.”

  “Why don’t I nip over to GT today? I could have a chat with Yvonne. If she thinks it’s a good idea, then it might be worth raising the subject with your dad.”

  “Okay. Why not?”

  We’d finished breakfast, and I was busy loading the dishwasher.

  “When are you going to CASS again, Jill?”

  “Next week, on Wednesday, but I haven’t even begun to prepare the lesson yet. To be honest, I don’t have a clue what I’m going to talk about.”

  “You’ll come up with something; you always do. Have they got a new headmaster yet?”

  “What makes you think it’s going to be a headmaster? It might be another headmistress. But no, as far as I know, they haven’t appointed anyone yet. I’ll ask Ms Nightingale what’s happening when I go over there next week.”

  “Oh, and by the way, Jill, whatever happened to the hobby you were supposed to be getting for yourself?”

  “I’ve been too busy.”

  “Nonsense. You’ve had plenty of time to come up with something. Your problem is, you’re all work and custard creams.”

  “Nonsense. I’ll have myself a hobby before the end of the week.”

  “Promise?”

  “Would I lie to you?”

  ***

  When I stepped into my office building, I spotted a new sign on the wall at the bottom of the stairs. On it was a red arrow, pointing up the stairs, and below that were the words:

  Clowns this way