When Love Awaits

by Johanna Lindsey

  Amelia gritted her teeth. “Do you think she will still be tending him when he hears about poor Erneis?”

  “Sir Rolfe will deal with that in his way, but I doubt he will put his wife from him simply because she overstepped her authority. He is most pleased with her in every other way. Why, look at all she has done since she came here.”

  Amelia suppressed a scream of fury, stabbing her needle into her embroidery instead. Evarard seemed not to notice her agitation.

  It was not fair! Just when Amelia had begun to hope that she could drop her pretense of being pregnant, saying that she had miscarried. Now she would have to continue her affair with Evarard, at least until he got her with child. That had to happen immediately. If she had her monthly flow again, she might as well give up, for Rolfe was not a stupid man. As it was, if she did have a child, she would have to pretend it was a delayed birth.

  She tried to stop her mind from whirling. Yes, she would have to become pregnant. She might even be forced to allow the pregnancy to run its course, unless…

  Leonie must be told about the child. Amelia could let it slip as though by accident, then step back and see what that news did to the relationship between the lord and his lady. Leonie’s pride might have kept her from speaking to Rolfe about having a mistress living in his house, but it was another thing entirely for the mistress to bear him a child—especially a child conceived after the marriage.

  It would not matter if Leonie confronted Rolfe, for he could not deny the child. But Leonie might not even ask him about it, but simply leave. Once she was gone, Amelia might still have time to get rid of the child, using the potion she’d learned about at court years ago.

  As Amelia dreamed on, her smug smile returned.

  Chapter 29

  THEY were going to court. Leonie’s stomach turned over in dismay when she was told. Much to her chagrin, she had to write the letter accepting the king’s invitation.

  Rolfe would not hear her excuses, but insisted she accompany him to court.

  “Henry wants to meet you,” was all he would say. And no one refused the king what he wanted, she reminded herself bitterly.

  Rolfe was not well enough to travel, so the day of departure was set for a week hence.

  That week flew by. Leonie prayed her nervousness would not bring back her old rash, prayed, too, that she wouldn’t make a fool of herself. So many years had passed since she had been at court. Would she remember how to behave?

  Rolfe understood and did his best to ease her anxiety. He told her amusing stories about the king and his barons, pointing out that she might even meet some of her relatives there. She wasn’t sure whether that made her feel better or worse.

  They were sleeping in the same bed, but he wasn’t well enough for lovemaking. She spent nearly all her time reading to him, eating with him, being on hand if he wanted to dictate a letter. They talked a great deal, Rolfe telling her about himself, forcing her to talk as well.

  In all ways he tried to please her, except in the way that mattered most and always stood between them—Amelia. Every time she attempted to speak to him about his mistress, pride kept the words bottled up. If only he would send Amelia away. If only. But she dared not ask. She feared his refusal, which would tell her only too plainly what she didn’t want to know. Did he love Amelia? She tortured herself over the question time and time again.

  She reined her feelings in, maintaining a distance that was necessary for her defenses. She could not afford to relax with him, laughing easily and teasing him, as was her nature. She might then find herself hopelessly in love with him, and that she must guard against fiercely.

  The morning they were to depart for London would be the first time Rolfe would leave their room. He left all preparations for the journey to Leonie, even his packing. She enjoyed this wifely duty.

  Her own packing caused a dilemma, however, for she owned only two fine bliauts. So Wilda labored long and hard to make a third one from a length of Spanish wool Leonie had been saving.

  Leonie was an expert needlewoman, and had embroidered many altar cloths and christening robes. She spent little time on her own clothing, however, finding the current style easy to adapt to whatever need arose. The long garment with detached sleeves was easy to wear when she worked in the garden, wearing serge sleeves and overblouse and bliaut. The style was equally easy to adapt to formal wear. The fact was, she didn’t have many clothes because she didn’t need many.

  The note arrived just as they were leaving for London, handed quickly to Leonie by a village serf she did not know. She had no time to read it, so the note was forgotten, stuck into the tight sleeve of her chemise to read later. Catching sight of Rolfe having a private word with Amelia put the note further from her mind—and put her in a bad mood that lasted most of the day.

  They broke their journey at a small inn, and Leonie retired early, wanting to be asleep by the time Rolfe joined her. As Wilda was unlacing her, the note fell to the floor. A frown creased Leonie’s brow as she read it.

  “It is from Alain Montigny.”

  “Sir Alain? But I thought you said he was in Ireland, my lady.”

  “Not any longer. He asks me to meet him at the pasture dividing the properties.” Leonie’s frown deepened. “Whatever is he doing here?”

  “Will you meet him?”

  “I would have, but he wanted to meet at noon today.”

  “I thought he was afraid of your husband.”

  “Yes, he is.”

  “Then what can he be thinking of, coming back to the Black Wolf’s den?”

  “Do not call him that,” Leonie snapped.

  “I—I beg your pardon, my lady.”

  Leonie’s eyes widened. Sweet Mary, what was wrong with her?

  “Never mind, Wilda. Get some sleep. It has been a long day.”

  As Wilda slipped out of the room, Leonie tossed the note into the fire, then crawled into the bed her maid had fitted with the sheets they had brought along. But she could not sleep. She couldn’t stop thinking of Alain. What could he be thinking of, coming back to his home when he had sworn it would be worth his life to do so?

  She began to wonder if that had been a lie. Everything Alain had told her that day about her husband had turned out to be either lies or fearful delusions. From all she had come to know, Rolfe d’Ambert was not the man she had cursed that fateful day. He had faults, but harsh vengeance was not in his nature. She herself could attest to that.

  “Are you asleep, Leonie?”

  How quietly he had come into the room! “No, my lord.”

  “Will you help me then? I have sent Damian on to bed.”

  She smiled. Lately he asked for her help so reluctantly, entirely different from his previously arrogant demands. She wondered if he regretted his earlier manner.

  “Sit here, my lord.”

  She got up from the narrow bed that was so much smaller than their own and began to unlace his chausses. His heavy hauberk had been removed by Damian.

  “I would like to check your wound,” Leonie said. “To see if the ride today has opened it.”

  “That is unnecessary.”

  How tired he sounded. “Humor me, my lord.”

  “ ‘Humor me, my lord,’ ” he repeated wearily. “You ask for much, but give so little. Humor me, my lady. Tell me why you will not give us a chance?”

  She stiffened, then looked away. “You know why.”

  “Of course.” He sighed. “I had thought your feelings might have changed.”

  She was genuinely puzzled. Why would he ask her that when it was he who was not allowing them a chance? She was then struck by the incredible thought that he might be keeping his mistress nearby because of her own coldness to him. She was so stunned that she froze where she stood, unmoving. Was he only waiting for her to warm to him before he renounced other women?

  She was terribly confused. Should she let the subject lie, or ask what she wanted to ask? “Let—let me remove your tunic,” she said quickly,
bending toward him. In doing so, her linen robe slipped open and Rolfe’s eyes fastened on her beautiful breasts. He took a long, deep breath, his eyes moving slowly up to hers. She saw great longing there, and realized that he had been celibate since his injury. He was tired from the journey, but that did not seem to matter.

  Heat stole up her cheeks and she pulled her robe together. This was not the time for a return of his amorous attentions. How could she ask him about his disturbing question if he continued to look at her this way?

  Not knowing what else to do, she grabbed the hem of his tunic and pulled it over his head carefully, so as not to pull on his wound. She did the same with his undershirt, then moved away to the opposite side of the room so that he could stand up and remove the rest of his clothing.

  The suspense was unbearable, and she finally blurted, “My lord, if—if I were to change…would you send Lady Amelia away?”

  “No.”

  He spoke flatly and without hesitation, and a sick feeling gathered in Leonie’s belly. She closed her eyes, miserable. Fool! She had asked the question she knew better than to ask, and received the answer she dreaded.

  “What has the one to do with the other?” Rolfe demanded, his voice sharp.

  “N-nothing, my lord,” she whispered.

  “Then explain yourself.”

  Leonie panicked. What could she tell him? She recalled Amelia telling her that Rolfe did not like jealousies. Was that how he interpreted her question, believing she was jealous? Of course she wasn’t jealous. Why should she be when she did not love Rolfe? Lord, how she wanted to cry.

  She said tonelessly, “I have had your ward on my mind since I saw her this morning, because I wondered why you did not include her on this trip. I thought perhaps you were angry with her.”

  He came and stood in front of her, his body tense.

  “I am not angry with her. There was no reason to bring her with us. She does not like court.”

  “I do not like court, but you dragged me with you.”

  “You are my wife!”

  Leonie whirled around, her back to him. It would serve no purpose to let her own anger loose, but she was barely able to hold it in check.

  “I thought you got along well with Amelia,” he said, and she turned around slowly.

  “Of course I do,” she replied sharply. “Why ever should I not?” She was close to tears.

  “Damn me, Leonie! What is this about? Have you had words with Amelia?”

  She shook her head. “I would not hurt her, if that is what you fear.”

  “Hurt her? Why are we even speaking of her?” Rolfe’s frustration was mounting rapidly. What was this all about?

  “You want her sent away, is that it?”

  “I did not say so. I asked if you would, and you said you would not, so that is that.”

  She tried to turn away again, but Rolfe’s hands fastened tightly on her shoulders. He gazed into her eyes so intently that she couldn’t look away. “You know! That is what this is about! Who told you?”

  “My lord?” Leonie asked, then burst into tears. Shocked, he gathered her in his arms, holding her gently. “I swear you will drive me mad, Leonie. Why can you never speak plainly to me?”

  She continued to sob. Let him think whatever he liked. She should not have said anything, and she refused to say any more. No one was going to accuse her of being a jealous wife.

  He picked her up, carried her to the bed, and cradled her, rocking her gently until her tears subsided. His hand moved soothingly over her hair and back, lulling her. And then suddenly he was kissing her, but she managed to break the spell and push him back from her, denying her own needs as well as his.

  “My lord, no, not now—please,” she beseeched, bracing herself for his anger.

  But he surprised her. “Just let me hold you then, dearling. I will do no more than that.”

  She very nearly cried again, he was being so kind. She bowed her head, and after he stretched out under the covers, he pulled her to him. It was a long time before she slept, but eventually she drifted into a dream-plagued sleep, pressed firmly against her husband.

  Chapter 30

  A FLUTTERING of movement woke Rolfe and he opened his eyes to see Leonie slipping out of bed. Their argument had caused him to lie awake half the night trying to piece together what had happened.

  It was possible that she might learn what Amelia had been to him, but he didn’t even want to think about that possibility. If Leonie insisted Amelia leave, how could he explain to her that Amelia must stay? He could not tell Leonie the other woman was to bear him a child. He had told her Amelia was his ward. If she learned about Amelia’s child, he would lose any further chance to win her love.

  He watched Leonie as she slipped into her blue linen robe and moved over to the small hearth. She sat down on a stool there to begin combing the tangles from her hair. The light from the window made her silken silver tresses shine. How lovely she was!

  And she was considerate, a truly kind woman. She would not call for her maid as long as he was asleep. And she was as kind to the servants as she was to him.

  What was it about this woman that turned him inside out? She caused him sleepless nights, made his temper run riot, caused him endless confusion, endless worry. Caused his hopes to rise, then to crumble. Would he ever be at ease with her?

  Thorpe suggested he talk with her frankly, but Rolfe wasn’t willing to take that risk. In truth, he feared that the real reason she had been against him from the start was that she loved that craven knight, Alain Montigny. The sole reason for her hatred of him was that he now owned Montigny’s land. Was that the truth? The last thing he wanted was to force such a confession from her. It would end his hopes.

  Leonie felt him staring at her. She rose and went to him, looking worried.

  “It is no wonder you slept so long. You have tried to do too much too soon, my lord,” she scolded gently. “Let me see your wound now, will you?”

  He nodded. Her silver-gray eyes met his. “My lord, I beg you to forget last night. I was overly tired and—and I am never myself when I am nervous. If I angered you, I am sorry.”

  “You are still so nervous about meeting Henry?”

  She nodded and gave him a baleful look.

  “Then we will return to Crewel.”

  She was stunned. “You would do that for me?”

  “Of course,” he said simply. “I didn’t realize you were so frightened.”

  “It is not fear, exactly. More like…unease,” she assured him. “I am sure it will pass.” Knowing that he was willing to change his plans for her added greatly to her self-confidence. “It is too late to turn back now. The king expects us.”

  “Henry can be disappointed once in a while.”

  “No, my lord, truly, I will control my nerves.”

  “You are sure?”

  “Yes. And the worst that will happen is that my old rash will reappear. It used to whenever I went to court as a child.”

  “That might not be so bad.” He grinned. “Then I won’t have to worry that every knight in the kingdom is being smitten by you.”

  She shrugged. “I have outgrown my nervous rashes, so it will not happen.”

  Rolfe frowned. “Leonie, you had a rash on the day we married.”

  “Of course, my lord,” she replied dryly.

  “You mean you did not have a rash?”

  Her eyes flashed. “You know why I was veiled. I do not wish to speak of it.”

  Rolfe stared incredulously as she got up and stalked angrily to the door. Did she really think he understood?

  “Leonie!”

  She turned only long enough to say furiously, “I will not speak of it! Now, stir yourself, my lord, or we will not reach London before nightfall.”

  She slammed the door, leaving Rolfe more bewildered than he had ever been in his life.

  Chapter 31

  BECAUSE Leonie had been confined so long at Pershwick and then at Crewel, she was fa
scinated by the journey to London, whereas Rolfe had traveled through France and England for so many years that he barely bothered looking around, leaving the enjoyment of the journey to her.

  They passed through villages she hadn’t seen in years, and she gazed hungrily at everything, from the mundane sights of peasants working their masters’ fields to beautifully gowned ladies on horseback traveling with their guards. She was glad there was no older woman with her to scold, for she knew she ought not to be staring so avidly at everything around her. But she was enjoying herself tremendously, and she didn’t give a hoot for convention most of the time as it was, she reminded herself.

  They passed through a village just as the bells were ringing for Sixtus, and the midafternoon quiet touched Leonie’s memory, bringing back the times she had finished with her lessons and been taken to her parents by her maid. From three until four o’clock was a sacred hour, when the three of them talked and, if the weather permitted, walked in the forest together. Nobody was ever allowed to intrude on their hour together.

  With her mother’s death, all of that peace, those joyous times, were swept away forever. Damn her father, she thought. Why hadn’t he taken care of her after her mother’s death? Why had he been so weak? In his place, she would have forced herself to rise above grief.

  Leonie shook herself. When would she ever learn not to think about her father? The few moments she indulged in would cause a day or more of brooding unhappiness, she had learned that much—and she had enough to contend with in her present circumstances without grieving over her past.

  She turned again to look around her, reminding herself to enjoy this treat because London was not, she feared, going to offer much enjoyment.

  There were more than a hundred parishes in London, each with its own church, and the hundred church spires rising above the city walls was an awesome sight. Leonie well remembered her first journey to London as a child, and the most outstanding building seen from a great distance—Saint Paul’s Cathedral, which rose high over the city, commanding with its mighty roofs and bays and Gothic arches.