by Tara Brown
His lip trembles as he pulls me to him, as he rolls us to the side. He kneels in the car, pressing me into the seat and hovering over me. He’s bigger with the suit, more severe.
“Don't touch me!” I push his hands off my arms, ready for him to shut off again, but he doesn't.
He lowers, quickly, squishing me into the seat. His actions are fluid and fast but the moment his mouth hovers over mine, he pauses coming closer slowly. His breath whispers on my mouth as his hair falls forward, sheltering us from the world.
I contemplate pushing him off but I’m not strong. I want this. I want him. I can’t stop.
His lips brush mine softly, lasting a second before he pushes them apart and forces a hard kiss on me.
I keep up, kissing back, drawing him down on me more, needing more. I wrap around him, letting him lift me up and pull me into the seat across from where we started, placing me in his lap without stopping the kiss. Our tongues invade each other’s mouths as we rip at each other’s clothes. Our eyes don't meet, they don't dare. His hands lift to my breasts, cupping them, weighing them like always. When he brushes his thumbs over my nipples, pleasure rolls through me, making me shudder, but it doesn't stop me from yanking his tie off and ripping every single button off his shirt. I haul it back, dragging my fingers over his muscled arms and shoulders.
He lowers his hands to my legs, running his fingers up my thighs as he lifts my skirt. He pauses, rubbing his hands over my butt. The touch becomes less intimate and more exploratory as he pats and pulls at the elastic. I cringe into the kiss, remembering I’m wearing granny panties. They’re way more comfortable on my stomach.
My stomach.
My tiny heartbeat.
My strength.
The kiss pauses and the real world creeps in.
I sit back, feeling his erection between my legs. His pants are undone and his boxers are barely containing his huge cock.
When our eyes meet, I lose the lust plaguing me. The hate slips in, creating a wedge between us.
He lifts a hand, brushing it against my cheek, running his thumb over my lower lip. His eyes change again, the story they tell changes to a sad one.
He sits up, holding me to him, pressing our chests together and hovering next to my face with his. “I miss you.” He breaks my heart all over again.
“Then you should have picked me.”
He doesn't offer excuses, just a kiss. Only it’s not just a kiss. It’s everything. Everything he wants to say but won’t. But it doesn't matter now. It’s too late. It takes me right up to this exact moment to see that it’s too late.
I reach up, making a decision, and bang on the partition, like he did once a long time ago.
He pauses, mid kiss. “Don't go yet.”
“I’m choosing me.” The reality of this choice is painful but necessary. “You chose yourself.”
He pulls back, giving me a hurt look. “I never did any of this for myself.”
“You sure as fuck didn't do it for me.”
“Stay. Come upstairs and we’ll talk. We can have dinner,” he implores.
“No.”
“Please.”
“I can’t, Matt. You and I both know I can’t. I’m not going to be this girl. We spent our entire relationship hiding us from the world. Pretending we were friends. And we were never friends. I can’t go back there, pretending. I have too much responsibility now.” I wish he knew the truth of why, but I’m scared he would pick me, he would do the honorable thing, and I don't want that. I wanted him to pick me when I was the only choice.
“I just need a little more time,” he pleas.
“No. You’ve had years of my time. And now someone else needs it.”
“Who?” His eyes light up. “Lori?”
“No.” I scoff.
“You’re mi—”
“Don't say I’m yours. I’m not. I’m moving on. I needed to hear you tell me that you honestly picked money over love. Love you fought so hard to get.”
“Sami!”
“No.” I struggle to climb off him but he doesn't let me. He holds me tight.
“Yes!” His ferocity hits. “Tell me who, if it’s not Lori.”
“No!” I shove him back, wrestling from his grip. When I get free I climb to the other side of the car, staring at him.
“Is it Palfrey?” he asks as the car parks outside his building again.
“Goodbye.” I fold my arms over my chest, waiting for him to get out.
“You got a boob job and a new guy in six fucking weeks? It’s nice to see I meant absolutely nothing to you.” He runs his hands through his hair, trying to straighten it. He looks ridiculous now, buttons torn open and hair messy. He does his pants up, trying to tuck his shirt in.
I don't say a thing.
“You honestly aren’t going to give me a name?”
“I don't have one.” I’m laughing on the inside because we’re talking about two different things and I could put him out of his misery by telling, but it would make his life so much worse.
“You’re killing me right now.” Those words hit home, hard.
“If you suffer even half as much as I did this last month, then it’s worth it.”
“You hate me that much? You can’t see my side of this at all?”
“No.” I blink and a tear I didn't know was clouding my vision slips down my cheek. The highs and lows of pregnancy and Matt are explosive. More tears come, overflowing my eyes from the bottom, drowning my vision and me as if water is filling the car. It’s so real I almost hold my breath.
“You’re not alone in the suffering, Sami!” He comes to life, like he used to. “My brother died and I never even got to say goodbye to him. The last time I talked to him, I told him to go fuck himself and that I felt sorry for his unborn baby. Those are literally the last words I spoke to him. Then my dad died, hours later. His last words to me were that I was the biggest disappointment in his life. A whole lifetime of bad things happened to him, and I was the worst. My mom’s been high on something every day: lithium, Percocet, Ativan, you name it and she’s doing it. She’s not even sad my dad’s gone. She can’t cope with losing Tony, also her favorite. The entire responsibility of the company got dumped in my lap. My brother’s pregnant wife is included in that. She’s on bed rest, believe it or not, at four months pregnant, and a complete bitch. My dad’s entire family hates her, and she’s so rude my personal staff won’t tend to her at all. They refuse. And as if that’s not all bad enough, my mom’s awful family thinks they can control me now, so they can govern the finances. Because they were so stellar with their own. And as you always say, ‘the fucking shit icing on the fuck-you cake’ is that my grandma isn’t talking to me.” He sighs. “And all I’m trying to do is not be exactly what my dad thinks—thought I am.” He pauses like he’s waiting for me to care about any of that. When I say nothing, he nods. “And breaking your heart is the cruelest part of all that. But dragging you into this would have been worse.”
I continue to stare at him, saying nothing, drowning as the water gets higher.
“You honestly have nothing to say to all that?”
“I don't. You pushed me away and made me feel like I was disposable. I can’t feel sorry for you. I could have helped. I could have said fuck your dad and your mom and your sister-in-law.”
“I know that, Sami. I know what you would have said.” He scoffs. “You’ve never had responsibility in your life. And before this moment, neither have I. I had a split second to make a massive decision.”
“And I was the easiest thing to cut off?” I can’t believe he’s saying this.
“You were the least selfish thing to cut off.”
“Okay.” I shrug. “You said it. I needed you to say it and you have. Thank you for that.”
He leans forward. “You never think of anyone but yourself.”
I lean forward too, meeting him on the middle with the same level of anger. “Guess we both needed to grow up. Lucky this happened.”
“Oh, what’s so fucking hard for you? I hurt your feelings, so you’re depressed and your life is over? We both know you’ll move on, you hate not getting your own way. If you spent half a second looking at it, you’d see things aren’t so bad for you.” He laughs so bitterly I wince and lose some of the tears down my cheeks. “Jesus, my investment board actually wants to invest in Princess and the Pauper. I can’t even believe I have to make that decision tomorrow. And your parents love you. They might have crazy expectations of you, but they actually love you. And your best friend and you have all these adventures—”
“I’m pregnant, you daft asshole.” I can’t do it. I can’t do another heartbeat of saint-fucking-Sami, of sparing him this while enduring his vileness.
His jaw drops. “What? Whose—”
“Whose?” I gasp. My hands ball into fits but before I can make a terrible decision, I get out of the car. I can’t believe I’ve told him about the baby. I can’t believe he’s asked me whose it is. I can’t believe any of this.
It happened too quickly. I need air and space and some perspective on the decision I just made carelessly. I adjust my skirt and head down the street, toward the park.
“Sami!” he shouts from the limo.
I don't look back, I run. I cross with a crowd, running to get away from him and get lost in them.
As I enter the park, I realize I’ve left my phone in the car. I don't have anything, not a wallet, not a card, not a phone, nothing.
I turn toward our building, grateful the stupid buildings are close enough to the park.
“Sami!” he shouts again, closer than before. His dress shoes slap on the sidewalk. People glance over at us as they pull their phones out to record me and take pictures.
“Fuck!” I break into another run but he catches up, grabbing my arm and spinning me.
“Stop!” He looks sick. “What did you mean? When? How?”
“I can’t do this out here.” I glance at the people.
“I don't give a fuck. You better start talking!” His eyes are wide, terrified. They lower to my chest and then my stomach. He bites his lip.
“Not here.” I rip from his grip and start walking quickly.
“When?” he demands.
“I don't have to tell you anything.” I scoff at him. “You’ve ignored me for almost seven weeks. I don't have to tell you shit.”
“Don't do this. Just tell me, how far along?”
“Four months next week,” I mutter and walk faster.
“Four?” He gasps. “It’s mine.”
That stops me dead in my tracks. I pause, taking deep breaths and refuse the tears lingering in my eyes, drowning me again. “I found out the day you stopped talking to me.” I want to say so many other things, so many hateful and regretful things, but I can’t. My throat tightens with the lump I refuse to cry.
“Oh God.” He swallows hard, stepping back. His eyes tell me a story, a horrible one of guilt and pain. But I don't like his stories anymore so I turn away.
“I have to go.” I hurry away from him. He doesn't chase me. I make it to my building, to the safety of my shelter. My stomach hurts, the little heartbeat agrees. It hates him and all of this. It feels my pain with me.
When I get into the elevator with my back against the marble, I close my eyes and let it happen. I let the waves of tears burst from me, drowning me completely. I slide down the wall, curling up in the corner and holding myself. The pain in my stomach is nothing compared to the agony in my chest.
The doors open, making a noise. I lift my gaze to my dad. His eyes fly open wide. He’s panicking and speaking fast but I can’t understand him. He drops to his knees and helps me up, hugging me tightly.
He glances down at my legs. His mouth opens wider, he’s screaming for help. I follow his gaze, seeing the blood droplets on my skirt. I lift it, seeing what looks like a period on my underwear.
I hold my hand to my stomach, scared for the little heartbeat.
Chapter 27
I choose us
May 29, 2016
Natalie
Pacing back and forth has become a thing for me. I think most of my exercise is done pacing.
I can’t believe the timing of this. We go live in a day and Sami’s here in the hospital, and Matt knows about the baby and Sami knows why Matt doesn't want to be with her. It’s too much.
Sami’s mom comes down the hall, holding two lattes. She hands me one. “She’s still sleeping. They said the baby’s fine. It was a subchorionic hemorrhage. It’s quite common in the first trimester and the bleeding is from a tiny tear, but it’s no threat to the baby at this point and will heal. They said they want her to be on bed rest for a few days and then they’ll scan it again, just to be sure she’s fine. She’ll have to take it easy for the pregnancy if everything’s fine. If it’s not, she’ll be on bed rest until the baby’s born.”
“Oh man.” I cringe. “She won’t do that well. Is Mr. Ford okay?”
“He’s fine.” Sami’s mom rolls her eyes. “He’s not leaving her side, doting on her actually. I think he wants to strangle Matt Brimley. I tried explaining to him, but he’s one of these old-fashioned ‘do the right thing’ men. Honestly, this might have been the best way for him to find out there even is a baby. He’s terribly concerned.” She smiles. “And Sami’s healthy as a horse.”
“Well, that's all good news.”
“It is.” Her eyes widen, lighting up. “Brady.” She smiles behind me. “Matt. What a lovely surprise.”
I turn to see Brady and Matt. They both look fairly upset.
“You have some fucking nerve, Banks,” Brady growls at me, ignoring Sami’s mom.
“She’s fine,” I ignore him and tell Matt. The look on his face is awful. As much as I hate the guy, I can’t bear the thought of him thinking she’s dying. Even he doesn't deserve that level of torment. “The baby and Sami are both fine.”
He exhales. “Okay.” His eyes dart to Mrs. Ford’s. “I’m sorry.”
“Well, save that. Mr. Ford’s here, and I suspect he’s the one you’ll have to go through. But come with me, we’ll see if we can convince her dad that it’s not the worst thing in the world for you to be here.” Sami’s mom cocks an eyebrow. “He’s very disappointed in you. We both are.”
“I know.” Matt nods. “Disappointed in myself.” He follows her, leaving Brady, savage-looking Brady, alone with me.
“You bust my balls, almost break up with me over this shit. Meanwhile, you’re keeping a whopper of a secret for her?” His eyes narrow. “I act exactly the same way as you and yet I’m the asshole?”
“I kept a secret, so what? He chose to break her heart. She kept something from him that wouldn't have changed a single thing.”
“Nat, this is the same thing. I kept his secret and you kept hers and they dragged us in, like I fucking said they were. And now we’re here. You never sleep at home. I spend all my time in the fucking guest cottage, hoping you’ll come out there. We never see each other. You didn't even come to a single game in the playoffs. My first NHL playoffs and the one person I need there, isn’t.” He snaps his mouth shut, breathing for a moment like fire might come out his nostrils. “I’m done.”
My insides tighten.
“I’m done with them. We need to walk away for our self-preservation.”
That makes me laugh with relief.
“I choose us.” He rushes me, scooping me into his arms. He holds me tight, breathing me in. “I choose you. I’ll walk from him if you’ll walk from her. I wanna go home. I wanna spend the summer alone with you. I want you to walk out of here right now and choose me. Please? They can sort their shit without us.”
I pull back from his suffocating grip. “Okay. I have to tell her though.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “You don't want to go down there. Choosing me means leaving now.”
“Yes, I do. My friend’s in the hospital, Brady. She wouldn't ever leave me here to fend for myself. She would tel
l me she needed a day away. And that's what I’m going to do. I’m choosing you, but I’m not walking away from her. She’s my sister.” I sigh, enjoying the view of his face for the first time in a while. “But I’m glad asshat knows. I feel so much better, lighter. And I don't feel sick about keeping this from you anymore.”
“Ditto.” He cups my face, placing a soft kiss on my lips. “Now hurry the fuck up. I want to be fuc—making love to you in T-minus thirty minutes. And then I wanna cuddle. And then I wanna order pizza and play video games and not leave our apartment for a full twenty-four hours.”
“You can say ‘fucking.’” I laugh and kiss him again. “And that sounds pretty awesome actually. I’ll be right back.” I leave and head toward the angry voices.
What I find down the hallway is exactly what I thought it would be.
Sami’s dad’s shouting at Matt, but in his hospital voice, “You have the nerve to knock my daughter up, break up with her, almost force her to lose the baby, and then show up here? I don't think so, kid. You need to go.” He pokes Matt in the chest.
Matt stands firm, taking the beating, even though Mr. Ford has to look up to him to give it.
“Now you turn around, tuck tail, and head on out of here before I have to call security.”
I sneak past them, slipping into the room. Sami stirs, smiling weakly at me. “Hey.” She sounds exhausted.
“Hey.” I come to the bedside, hugging her.
“Is the baby still—?”
“It’s fine. The bleed was something minor. You fell asleep after the scan and the doctor came and saw your mom. He said you’re totally fine and the baby is fine.”
“Is that Matt?” She scowls, glancing at the door where the men are talking too loud. “Oh shit.”
“Yeah. He and Brady are here. I think you and him have some things to discuss, and we have some work stuff to get done so I’m gonna head home. I need to see Brady too. We both have been carrying a huge secret and it’s been causing fights.”
“His loyalty to Matt is no different than yours to me.”
“I know. I just hate Matt.”
“Me too.”