#Toots

by Linh Le James

  ‘Louisa? What do you say? I’m sure my father would love to meet you. Mother, I forgot to mention, Louisa is now also a vegan like myself, and a raw diet enthusiast.’

  I’d sell my own mother for steak, chips and a glass of red right now. I picture yet another meal of legume sprouts and green juice and mutter a mantra to myself. ‘Just suck it up, girl. Just suck it up.’

  Emily

  Thursday night. Seoul-SO. 8.30 pm.

  MaddMaxx is getting back on his feet. We finally have an outside date planned for tonight. He has been avoiding doing anything strenuous since he got back home. I have therefore taken to going over to his every couple of days to chuck something in the oven cook for him and canoodle look after him while he recovers.

  We’re meeting at Seoul-SO, this new art gallery cum bar/restaurant, and I’m all dolled up in a new unaffordable Lipsy dress courtesy of my MasterCard.

  Arriving unfashionably early gives me the opportunity to enjoy the strange angry art displayed on the walls, as well as people-watch, while waiting for MaddMaxx.

  A pretty waitress, appropriately pierced and with a half-shaved head, leaves me a menu filled with exotic names and colourful photos, and the assurance my table will be ready soon.

  Khaleesi wants the mixed seafood stew, which looks unfathomably spicy, but I hesitate between the pork bulgogi, the liquorice fried chicken wings and the bibimbap.

  I’ve already decided on a yogurt soju cocktail, and wonder whether to wait for my date or have a glass of plum wine when someone catches my eye. On the upper balcony. Who else is it but the old cheaterholic Leo, getting ready to hit the decks? He sets up his gear and checks on his laptop and controller while chatting up a busty blonde.

  I can’t help but stare. Leo meets my eye. I see his face change as he recognizes me, to a mixture of surprise and annoyance. He quickly pulls himself together and looks casually away as if he doesn’t know me. Does he think I’m going to latch on to him and ruin his chance of scoring tonight? Is he ashamed of running into me? I’m suddenly self-conscious. I avert my gaze and hunch down behind the menu.

  Again, Leo glances indifferently in my direction and then away, as if I were no more than a fly. Who does he think he is? His arrogant attitude fires up my Khaleesi spirit. I put the menu down on the table and calmly gaze at him. He keeps ignoring me. However, I notice he laughs a little louder and acts a little brasher, as if aware he has an audience.

  I am Khaleesi. You will not disrespect me.

  I get up, intending to walk up to Leo, clueless about what I will say when I reach him, when I abruptly find myself a metre off the floor and being swung around in a circle like a ragdoll.

  ‘Hey, gorgeous! Am I late or have you been camping here since the doors opened? I’m starved. Please tell me they have proper draught.’

  ‘Max! I’m so happy to see you!’

  ‘Don’t sound so eager – it’s just uncool.’ MaddMaxx plants a big kiss on my lips and adds as my face crumbles, ‘I’m just messing with you! You’re so gullible! Love you.’

  Did he just say the L word? My heart does a little Russian squat-and-kick dance.

  ‘Look at this cocktail! Isn’t it amazing?’ I point at the yogurt soju drink photo on the menu I’ve been lusting after.

  ‘Mmm, it looks like melted strawberry ice cream. I’d have one if it looked manlier.’

  ‘You table is ready now. I’ll take you through. Would you like to order drinks?’ The waitress reappears by our side.

  ‘Yep, and food too.’ MaddMaxx hands me his menu and grins like a Cheshire cat. ‘I’m sure you’ve been salivating over three dishes at least. Just order whatever you fancy, and we’ll share.’

  The food and cocktails are superb. MaddMaxx is funnier than ever, retelling stories of his worst biking accidents. It feels incredible to be out on a lovely date with a handsome man. I’m having a fantastic time and nearly forget all about Leo – until John Legend’s ‘All of Me’ starts to blare through the speakers.

  It was our song.

  Or possibly the song Leo played to all the other girls when he told them they were special.

  It can’t be a coincidence.

  ‘Bit loud, isn’t it? Bit cheesy, too. Isn’t the DJ supposed to play some proper tunes in this kind of place?’ MaddMaxx complains as he chomps on the fried chicken. ‘Those wings are just sexy.’

  The DJ station is tucked in the right hand corner, behind MaddMaxx. I glance at Leo, who is blatantly staring back. I manage to ignore him for a while, but my full bladder plagues me and after a while I must excuse myself to go to the toilets which are, unfortunately, upstairs. I march straight past the DJ station, head held high, stomach sucked in, avoiding his gaze. I don’t have to talk to him nor acknowledge him. I have moved on. He’s nothing. A past mistake. A dot in my timeline. A flea.

  Khaleesi power walk.

  Pass the loser.

  Toilets.

  Ha! Made it!

  On the way back from the loo, I stop in front of the large wall mirror.

  Hair. Check.

  Make-up. Check.

  Outfit. Check.

  Teeth. Check.

  Leo has nothing on me.

  Nothing.

  Need mantra.

  ‘I am Khaleesi. I am the Unburnt,’ I repeat with passion, narrowing my eyes in front of the mirror. ‘I am a fierce bitch. I am Khaleesi. I am the Unburnt.’

  ‘Are you talking to yourself?’ Leo startles me.

  He must have wanted to intercept me before I returned to my table. I pinch my lips and turn my head away in disdain.

  ‘Em, are you ignoring me?’ Leo says as I try to stride past him.

  ‘Casper the unfriendly ghost! How are we doing?’ I retort icily, straightening my whole imposing five feet five inches’ self. ‘I don’t need your company, thank you. I’m here with my new boyfriend, actually.’

  ‘Boyfriend? Since when? Em, I played our song. For you. Do you remember? We played it over and over when we were alone on the beach in Ibiza.’

  Memories wash over me: cuddling up to him at sunrise on the deserted beach, a warm cup of coffee in my hands, our song playing.

  Lola’s words once said to me come back to memory, ‘Do you want to be the old pairs of joggers, Em? Because it’s what you are to Leo. You keep them in the bottom drawer for when you’re feeling sick or down. You’re happy putting them on when you’re having a fat day, because they feel familiar and comfy. But you wouldn’t be caught dead in them in public. And if a fire breaks out, they’re the last thing you’ll pick up. Do you want to be Leo’s old joggers? Because, trust me, you have a long way to go to be Topshop skinny jeans in his heart.’

  Leo keeps on. ‘Whoever he is, he’s not the guy for you, Em.’

  ‘Excuse me? And you are?’

  ‘I’m just… me. But you know how it is, you and me. We have a special thing going on. How long have we known each other? Three years. I always come back to you. Because you’re the one for me, in the end. I just need to know you’re there, for me, when I need you—’

  ‘-You mean available? Waiting like an idiot for you to get dumped or bored with the next girl and run back to me for some comfort?’ I conjure all my Khaleesi power. ‘I am so over you. I’ve actually learnt to respect myself in the past weeks.’

  ‘Shh now.’ Leo pets my arm as if appeasing a nervous horse. ‘I’ll be done by two in the morning. Why don’t I join you at the flat? For old times’ sake?’

  He grants me his most charming smile, the one that never fails to beguile women. Unfortunately for him, I’m now able to see his insincerity. I swat his hand as if it were an annoying fly. Undeterred, he holds on to my handbag as I walk away and pleads with me. ‘I’m sorry. I’ve been having a hard time with work. As you know, I’d normally never take a gig like this. The big clubs have been shunning me. KVX’s owner caught me with his daughter in the back office one night after my set. What a palaver that was. Turns out she’s only seventeen. How was I supposed to
know? She’s walking around the place with those massive tits of hers falling out of her top. Anyway, it pissed him off and he blacklisted me. My career’s over, Em. I deserve some sympathy.’

  I roll my eyes. ‘You’re such a twat, Leo. You only want me now because you can’t have me anymore.’

  I cautiously wrestle with my bag’s strap, which he is clutching when a big shadow looms over both of us.

  ‘What the fuck are you doing here, Laurie?’ MaddMaxx growls.

  Leo jumps up, his face displaying horror for a second before his lips curl into a sarcastic smile. ‘Hello, Max. I’m working.’

  ‘L-Leo? You know Max?’ I squeak like a strangled chicken.

  ‘Max is my ugly brother. Even uglier now than last time I saw him. No wonder I didn’t recognize him till now. Don’t tell me you’re with him, Em.’

  Brother? That can’t be right. That would be too much of a freak coincidence. Lola must be playing some sick joke on me. Michael McIntyre is going to jump out from behind a curtain with a filming crew.

  MaddMaxx sniggers. ‘Laurie, or should I call you DJ Leo, you need to get over your inferiority complex. Obsessing about me, going after my girlfriends… it’s just unhealthy, man.’

  My heart jumps in joy at the ‘girlfriend’ mention despite my uncomfortable emotional state.

  ‘Get a life, bro. You’re the one eating my stale leftovers.’

  MaddMaxx, noticeably taller and broader, squares up to Leo, his knuckles white. My heart catches in my throat. I feel inappropriately turned on for a second by the prospect of a brawl between two hunks fighting over me.

  ‘Mate, I could smash your pretty little face. But I won’t. Because Emily wouldn’t like it. We’re leaving now. Stay the fuck away from us.’ MaddMaxx shoves an index finger in Leo’s shoulder, grabs me by the waist and strides away.

  Emily

  MaddMaxx’s Flat. 11 pm.

  Cuddled up, we watch a Narcos episode and tuck into a bag of salted caramel popcorn.

  ‘Do we need to talk about it?’

  ‘About Laurie? No, we don’t. England is a small country. My brother has gone out with half of London. You upgraded for the better model. Wise decision. I come with a lifetime warranty.’

  MaddMaxx doesn’t seem to be the least bothered by the situation. Whereas I could die of embarrassment.

  ‘I forgot to tell you,’ MaddMaxx mentions nonchalantly, ‘I deleted my Match profile the day after I met you.’

  ‘Did you? Seriously?’ I ask, arrested at the thought and embarrassed mine is still online on numerous dating websites.

  ‘I know when I want something. And when I want something, I get it.’ He surveys me like a tiger ready to pounce on its prey.

  ‘Oh! I’ll delete mine right away. I haven’t looked since we got together,’ I reply, flustered.

  ‘I’m sure you didn’t. Why would you? I’m all you need. I’m your dream come true.’ He slowly strokes my collarbone, edging dangerously close to my chest.

  ‘Hmm. Shouldn’t we wait some more? You’re still in pain, aren’t you?’ I put a concerned hand on his bruised ribs. He straightens up and winces.

  ‘We’ve waited long enough. It’s nothing I can’t handle. You deserve it, looking after me the way you have.’ He winks and enjoys seeing my sharp intake of breath as his hands slip under my shirt. He tips me on the sofa and undresses me expertly. He starts to massage the inside of my thighs, never reaching as high as I would like him to, until I spread my knees wide, panting under his teasing touch and quivering with want. Before I have time to protest, he buries his face between my legs. Every lick, flick and nudge snowballs into a crescendo that makes my whole body feel both numb and alive. I’m Khaleesi riding into the land of no return. I simultaneously want to go further and halt my ascent into heaven to savour the moment. The pleasure is building up and up, spreading from my core to every part of me, an unstoppable flood of warmth overwhelming my senses.

  My legs shake for seconds that seem like hours and I eventually fly off, weightless and vanquished.

  MaddMaxx tenderly brushes his fingers over my clammy forehead and murmurs as I land back on Earth and open my eyes, ‘Bang. You’ve seen some fireworks.’

  Carla

  Saturday. 2 pm.

  Freddie texted me in the morning to tell me he’d pick me up in the afternoon. I was looking for a new flat online and feeling dispirited at the unaffordable rent. I needed a distraction, and Freddie always knows how to make me laugh. I took him up on his offer. I’m now in the passenger seat of Freddie’s sports car.

  ‘I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?’ Freddie starts the engine, finds a postcode on his phone and chooses the fastest route to his destination on the sat-nav.

  ‘Bad,’ I reply gruffly, pulling my baseball hat down to my eyebrows.

  ‘You’re sitting down, so we’re all good. There’s a rumour going around the office that you dumped Ben the night he proposed to you.’

  ‘Who said? When? Why? How?’ I question, bewildered.

  ‘Andy heard it from Sarah, the temp receptionist. And apparently you’re shagging Rich.’

  ‘Rich? Not you?’

  ‘You seem confused. I’ll break it down for you. For starters, you are indeed shagging me. But nobody suspects that. I am convinced you are not, in fact, shagging Rich. But that is what some people in the office believe.’

  ‘Christ! It’s just going to get worse when I get my promotion! They’ll all assume it’s because of Rich, if they already think I’m an evil cow who chucked her boyfriend the night he proposed.’

  ‘If it makes you feel better, there’s a rumour I’m gay.’

  ‘How absurd! You, of all people!’ I glance at his defined chest bulging under his T-shirt. He does favour tight-fitting clothes, mind. I just assumed it was the fashion these days. And he does have perfect olive skin. I pause. ‘Do you wear fake tan, or is it your natural skin colour?’

  ‘Carla! Are you doubting I’m straight? You are in for one hell of a spanking later.’ He shoots me a look so dirty my stomach does a little flip. ‘It’s just silly gossip. I guess coming from the admin girls. They’ve been chasing me bad. I told them I was single but never took any of them on a date. These days I’ve got gay Sebastian from Biz Dev all over me. Now, the good news. Wait, you have some ketchup on your cheek. There. Right there.’ Freddie frowns and points at the right corner of my mouth.

  ‘Oh no! Where?’ I open the car sun visor to look into the mirror and clean the imaginary food stain from my face. A handful of fragrant pink rose petals and an envelope that were trapped in the sun visor fall into my lap.

  ‘I’m such an idiot. I didn’t eat any ketchup at breakfast. What’s this?’

  ‘You still fell for it. Open it.’

  I open a folded printed map of Greenwich.

  ‘I’m taking you to the planetarium, after hours. One of my best friends is an astronomer and has access 24/7. We can hang around the Observatory, play with the big telescope. I’ll fob off the security guards and it’ll be just you, me and the stars. There’s a meteor shower tonight! I might even throw in dinner if you behave today.’

  ‘What’s the catch, then?’ I squint under my lowered cap.

  ‘Look under your seat.’

  I reach under my seat and find the leather-bound folder containing the tattoo drawings. On top is the one I favoured last week, the cherry blossom tree design.

  ‘I managed to get an appointment with Federico Bianchi. He has a twelve-month waiting list. He’ll work on the design with you based on this idea I mocked up. He’s the real artist – I’m not. He can start the work today or, if you need more time to think about it, I’ll use your slot to have my first session with him. My design is already finalized. What do you say, Carla Davies?’

  I hesitate. ‘That Federico guy, is he any good?’

  ‘He’s one of the best. You can look at his portfolio online. He’s done a few Chelsea footballers, I heard.’
/>   Deep in thought, I trace the outline of the tree on the drawing. I need to turn the page. Wipe the slate clean. My heart is already on the mend. Fixing my tattoo would be a good step forward.

  Freddie looks at me expectantly, impatience barely showing on his beautiful face.

  ‘I say yes, Freddie Hammond.’ I capitulate.

  Carla

  Freddie’s flat. Midnight.

  We just got back from Greenwich, and we’re chilling out in front of a Live at the Apollo. Freddie had to shove aside all the magazines and his drawings to make room on the couch for us to sit down.

  ‘I loved the meteor shower, Freddie. It was magical. And the stars! How did you know all their names? I didn’t picture you as a geek,’ I tease him.

  ‘Some I knew, some I just made up,’ Freddie replies, laughing.

  I punch him playfully, then hug him. ‘Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I mean that.’

  ‘Wait. I forgot I got something for you.’

  He leaves me then returns from the kitchen and flicks the lights off.

  He lights a single candle on a strawberry cupcake. Its icing is almost twice the height of the sponge.

  ‘Happy anniversary, darling. Two weeks since you fell for me.’ He lifts the cupcake to my lips. ‘Blow.’

  ‘Sure. Hang on.’ I take the cupcake and the lighter from him, blow him a kiss, then blow out the candle.

  Out of the darkness, the candle light comes on again. I have stepped out of my clothes and am wearing nothing but a teasing smile. The tiny golden glow of the candle just about illuminates my face, framed by my sun-bleached curls, and my naked shoulders.

  ‘Blow,’ I whisper, merriment dancing in my eyes, holding the cupcake to his lips.

  ‘No way, I’m keeping the light on for this,’ he replies, his face determined and hungry as he reaches for me. ‘See if I can make you purr before the candle burns out.’

  Chapter 16

  Blame It on the Aperol