Bubba and the Curse of the Boogity

by C. L. Bevill

  “Holey Mole’s,” Willodean said eagerly. “They open at lunch, right?”

  “Yes, dear.”

  “Okay, then come home and cuddle, since your mystery’s all solved. Isn’t that right?”

  Bubba looked around. Marquita was found. Hornbuckle was on her way to the hospital and then probably on her way to a psychiatric ward. The Boo had been exposed, although there was a question about whether there was more than one wandering about willy-nilly. He shook his head. It was more likely that Marquita, Risley, and Simone had gotten their schedules mixed up.

  “Oh yes, all solved,” he said to his wife.

  Chapter 20

  Bubba and the Wait, What?

  The mystery was not all solved.

  Bubba got a ride to his truck, then drove home and rinsed off in the side yard with the hose. He looked around for anyone with a handy cellphone that might be recording, and not seeing anyone, he went in the backdoor buck nekked. He also ended up surprising Miz Adelia who was doing dishes in his sink. She simply rolled her eyes, dried her hands, and headed for the front door.

  “Miz A!” he protested, covering up with his hands and an extremely tiny dish towel.

  “Ain’t nothing I ain’t seen afore,” she called back with a smothered laugh, “although your little butter bean butt is a lot bigger now.”

  “That was a lot of years before,” Bubba said, “and I was pretty dang dirty from being in those blasted tunnels under the Hovious place.”

  Just before the front door shut, Miz Adelia asked, “Did you see the Boo?”

  “Yes, I damn well did,” Bubba yelled after her. He winced and looked upward at the ceiling hoping he hadn’t woken his wife. The sound of claws on the stairs came a full ten seconds later before Precious pranced down the hall at him with her tail wagging wildly. Then Willodean called, “Bubba, honey?”

  “It’s me,” he called back as he knelt to pet Precious. “You want a snack?”

  “Is there any Chinese food left?”

  “Give me a minute,” Bubba called. He carefully wove his way past two chest freezers in his small kitchen and wondered if the freezers were like tribbles. Soon the entire world would be covered with chest freezers and no one would know how exactly they’d gotten there. He found the take-out containers in the refrigerator and got out plates. Then he served up enough to make both of them happy. He microwaved both and got some water for himself and a glass of milk for Willodean. He even made time to feed Precious some of the wet dog food du jour. (Not Paul Newman’s Own but a type from New Zealand that Willodean’s mother, Celestine, had brought the last time she’d visited. It was air-dried and therefore extra special. He’d even read the label by the magnifying glass method. Most specifically it read “High in protein and kilocalories.” He didn’t know what that meant, but the reviews on Amazon made it sound like dogs would walk ten miles uphill through a blizzard to get some. Precious ate it like that was the case, but then she ate most things like that was the circumstance. The only exception was the time she’d filched a diet burrito off his plate. That was the last time Bubba had tried to lose a few pounds, and he’d been trying very hard because a slight roll had appeared at his waistline. In any case, the hound had spat the burrito onto the kitchen floor and then gleefully buried it with a throw rug. It was an action with which he was in complete agreement once he had tasted another one from the package.)

  Finally, Bubba laid eyes on his beloved wife again. He swore the sun had come out, but it was really the LED lightbulb from the bathroom shining on her glossy head and illuminating her ruby lips as well as revealing her lovely green eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I should have let someone know where I was going.”

  “Well, you did,” she said with a crooked smile. He couldn’t help but notice she was rubbing the small of her back while lying on her side. “Kind of.”

  “Hornbuckle was acting very strangely,” Bubba said, “and it turned out that she had Marquita all wrapped up in duct tape. Literally.”

  “The grapevine said duct tape, packing tape, scotch tape, and purple ribbons,” Willodean said. “Also, half her head was shaved leaving a mysterious letter on it.”

  “Only the duct tape,” Bubba said as he set the tray next to Willodean and began to arrange things so that she could eat. He also reached around and replaced her hand on her back with his, rubbing gentle circles at the base of her spine. “Silver, too. Not any special color. Mebe you could call it silver gray.”

  Willodean shook her head. “Better than a corpse, though.”

  Bubba couldn’t disagree with that.

  “Did you know that you’re naked?” she asked politely. “Not that I’m complaining.”

  Bubba knew but he’d forgotten. He quickly found a pair of pajama bottoms and pulled them on. They both got to eating and then he fell asleep with the plate still in his lap. He didn’t even notice that Willodean picked everything up and put it on the nightstand so that Precious couldn’t help herself, but Precious was a clever dog, and she did snag one egg roll which, in her opinion, tasted lots better than a diet burrito.

  * * *

  The bright sunlight woke Bubba up as it was shining directly into his face. Precious propped her prodigious nose across his thigh. She was snoring like a cat throwing up a hairball or like his aunt, Caressa, did, which seemed to run in the family even with fur babies. Willodean leaned on his shoulder and had one arm wrapped around his middle and her baby bump pressed up against his side. The baby seemed to be dancing an Irish step dance, and Bubba relished the moment while all was seemingly quiet for the moment.

  Then, of course, then someone dropped something outside and metal parts clattered endlessly.

  With several hours of sleep came a moment of clarity. Bubba thought about what was sticking in his mind. What looked like a space helmet and a scarf were among the debris that Marquita had dug through. A space helmet, a scarf, a shirt with the name Berryhill on the pocket, not to mention a carton of Lucky Strikes…

  Hornbuckle had also said something about collecting other people’s stuff while she was down there. So, she’d done that? It seemed as likely as any explanation, but what were the others doing in the tunnels?

  Bubba extricated himself from his wife and his hound. Willodean grunted and put her arm around Precious, instead. Precious grunted in response and wallowed into the covers for a better level of comfort. The hound opened one eye to observe Bubba dressing quietly and evidently decided that it wasn’t worth the bother of getting out of a snug bed.

  Bubba took the time to take the tray and the dishes downstairs. He filled Precious’s dish with kibble and refilled her water dish. He turned on the little television in the kitchen and listened to the local news while he worked on breakfast.

  The news out of Lufkin was pretty much the same. Politics were primary with a shot of the President talking about the deficit and also about how he was firing three members of his cabinet because they were stupid. Then there was a human interest about a food shortage in the immediate east Texas area and specifically a scarcity of ice cream. All the stores within a hundred miles had been cleaned out, and it was very mysterious. Bubba blinked about that because there seemed to be plenty of ice cream about. Finally, a local reporter came on to discuss recent monstrous events in Pegram County. Risley Risto came on-screen and discussed how frightened everyone was, and he even allowed the station to show a clip featuring a fuzzy bigfoot-like creature who’d come into the film crew’s area and destroyed several tents and trailers. “All of this after Marquita was rescued from that awful former FBI agent,” Risley added.

  Bubba frowned and turned the television off. So, the Boo had returned and caused a ruckus. That was interesting, but then there were a lot of interesting things in life.

  Bubba got down to the business of breakfast while he thought. He whipped up a cheese omelet with extra cheese, which he sprinkled some more cheese on top for extra measure. (Willodean liked her some cheese, and he didn’t mind, either.) He�
��d even garnished the omelet with parsley and a slice of tomato he’d made to look like a flower. He would have put out a pint of Häagen-Dazs if he had thought that ice cream went with omelets, which he did not. (Yuckies.) He finished her platter with a cup of decaffeinated tea and a glass of milk and went upstairs with it.

  Willodean was waking up as Bubba came into the room. He put the tray on the nightstand and helped her to sit up. He fluffed pillows and checked to see that she didn’t need any electrical devices charged. He finished with a kiss to her forehead and an, “I got to finish this Boo bizness up,” to which Willodean said, “I wouldn’t expect less of you, sweetie pie.” He took that to mean that she was good with the whole idea. “Make certain you call me a couple times if you’re going to get all wound up in a thing,” she added. “Borrow a phone. Everyone else on Earth has one. The Boogity-Boo probably has one.”

  As Precious was disinclined to leave her comfy spot, Bubba left by himself. He spared only a brief glance at the circus that had developed in the last few days in the vast front yard of the Snoddy Mansion. He didn’t know what his mother was planning but it didn’t look like any baby shower he’d ever seen. As a matter of fact, someone was setting up a gate in the very front part of the yard so that people parking along the drive would have to walk through it. It looked as though they would be taking tickets. His forehead wrinkled, and his chin dropped to his chest as he considered the ground for a long moment. (The ground was always good to contemplate when the vein in his forehead threatened to explode into a gory, angry mess.) He supposed he should address the issue with his mother, but as it likely wouldn’t do any good, he discarded the thought and plodded to his truck.

  Bubba took the back way. Not only did he want to avoid whatever his mother was doing, but he wanted to see how David Beathard and the astronuts were proceeding, as well as have a fleeting but meaningful conversation with David himself.

  * * *

  Professor Augustus Blenkinsopp was supervising the rocketship construction. The S.S. Stormspike looked spiffier than ever. Bubba managed to get past the gate guard by threatening to pull his innards out so they became outards, which seemed to do the trick. Bubba had to chastise himself because he had skipped his morning caffeine and was aware that his levels of patience were thusly impacted.

  Bubba looked at the professor and tried to remember if he’d seen the man before at the Dogley Institute for Mental Well-Being. The answer was that he could not remember, but that he thought he’d never met the professor before. He would have Googled his name on his smartphone if he had a smartphone that wasn’t cracked nearly in two, but he did not. (Also, it had been on his to-do list to talk to Dogley’s newest social worker, but it had fallen to the bottom of his priorities while he was taking care of Willodean and trying to find Marquita Thaddeus. But if he was a patient at Dogley, then he couldn’t really be a rocket scientist, and if that was the case, then the rocket wouldn’t actually be able to take off. Right? Right?)

  David appeared from a set of buildings that had magically appeared overnight dressed in his blue flight suit, looking like he was ready to film a movie or launch himself to the moon, whichever was easier at the moment.

  “Bubba!” David called. “So good to see you! We heard about Marquita and that dreadful former FBI agent. Such a shame when people in positions of authority go bad like that.” He paused to consider his words. “I do have some experience with that, you know.”

  “I know,” Bubba said. “David, are you really goin’ to take off in that there ship?”

  “Of COURSE!” David bellowed happily. He pointed heavenward. “The skies are our promised land! They are our destiny! We were meant to expand, and the only expansion is the blackened abyss of space!” He paused again. “I need to write some of that down. Jesus Christ!”

  Jesus hurried out of the building, which Bubba saw was one of those prefabricated buildings that had been plunked down on part of the concrete pad. It had even been fixed up with electricity that had been strung up on poles that led toward the main road.

  Bubba said, “What the hello Dolly?” He looked at the poles and then at David. “David, where did you git the money for all of this?”

  David motioned at Jesus who produced a steno pad and a Bic pen. “Skies are promised land, destiny, meant to expand, only expansion is blackened abyss of space. Write that all down, Jesus. It’s for posterity. And my memoirs.”

  Jesus wrote quickly and nodded. “Iiit is dooone.”

  “Money, David,” Bubba said.

  “There were some grants,” David said happily. “Did you know our government will give away money for almost anything? It was almost too easy.”

  “Where else?”

  “My family, too,” David said. “They love to keep me happy. They like to keep me in east Texas while they’re in Dallas. I can’t imagine why.”

  “Seriously, David, were you and the loonies in the tunnels digging for gold?” Bubba asked quickly.

  David’s eyes went big. He glanced around as if Jesus would repeat it to the authorities, but Jesus was playing with a dandelion and muttering, “Seeeth what liiife I haaave created!” David shushed Bubba and beckoned the other man closer. “That’s a secret, Bubba,” he whispered into Bubba’s ear. “I had to get permission from the Pentagon for that particular endeavor. They have a great interest in the mineral rights of east Texas. They also have secret agent astronauts at Dogley for the purpose of infiltration. You’ve stumbled onto something here, and you should tread carefully.”

  Bubba pursed his lips. The helmet down in the tunnels was a giveaway, but there were dozens of tunnels and what seemed like miles of area that had been covered. “Did you actually mine…gold out of them tunnels?”

  “Gold and some other minerals,” David whispered, dragging Bubba closer to the edge of the woods. “You aren’t going to tell anyone, are you?”

  Bubba had personal experience with how treasure fever affected his life. If he walked five feet to the left or right, he would trip over a hole dug by some fool with a metal detector. That was how Hornbuckle had lost the hamster that had been spinning the wheel in her head. (The wheel was spinning, but the hamster was dead.) “I ain’t likely to tell anyone about any gold, David,” he said quietly, meaning every last word of it.

  David sighed. “Great. I think we cleaned out that vein we were working on, but you never know if we might need some extra cash.”

  Bubba knew there was a confused expression on his face. Had there really been gold in the tunnels under the Hovious place? And how on Earth had David managed to bring it out into the open quietly? Furthermore, it presented more questions like was it legal and was it considered stealing if David and the others had actually taken it?

  “Okay,” Bubba said because his head was starting to hurt with all of the questions writhing about in there. “What about the Boo? I know I asked before, but do you know anyone who could be pretending to be the Boo? I expect they’re trying to scare folks away for some reason, but since it ain’t Hornbuckle, I’ve run out of suspects.”

  David stared at Bubba. “You should look at the film footage, Bubba,” he said cannily, and for the life of Bubba he wouldn’t say any more about the subject.

  * * *

  Bubba watched as David collaborated with the professor, and they both corrected some of the technicians working on the rocketship. The technicians seemed to be authentic professionals, and it gave Bubba pause.

  Thelda sidled up to Bubba and said, “Thou thin faced pigeon egg.”

  “Hello to you, too, Thelda,” Bubba said in his most amicable fashion. One could never really tell if they were being insulted or simply being greeted when it came to Thelda. He watched as she gathered three sweaters closer to her despite the temperature being well into the 80s. Furthermore, she wore the sweaters over a blue flight suit that was similar to David’s. As a matter of fact, all of the usual suspects wore flight suits. Jesus had his sheet wrapped toga style over his flight suit. Daniel had a fl
ight suit on that looked more like a capri-length flight suit because the bottom of the pants reached about knee high.

  “Thee is an odoriferous coxcomb,” she stated matter-of-factly.

  Bubba remembered when Thelda had tried to tell him something about previous evildoers. “Are you trying to say something to me?” he asked. “I’m sorry, but that Shakespearean stuff is hard for me to understand.”

  “Thee whining maws,” she replied.

  “I am or someone else is?” he asked.

  Thelda rolled her eyes. If only Bubba had focused on medieval history when he’d been in college instead of American history.

  “Thee multiplied whining maws, thou crispy pustule.”

  Bubba frowned. “Multiplied?”

  Thelda nodded. “Multiplied,” she agreed then added, “thou withered winter cricket.”

  Bubba thought about it. “You’re trying to tell me there’s more than one of something.”

  Thelda nodded again.

  The professor abruptly yelled, “SON OF A BEACH BALL! Get away from that, you little fungus-eating, William Shatner wannabe!”

  Bubba looked, and there, in a bright ray of sunshine that revealed all, was Brownie Snoddy climbing the side of the rocketship. He passed the oversized S of Stormspike and was about to get past the S.S. when Bubba blinked very deliberately. He then rubbed his eyes because it was like an illusion. Sometime while he wasn’t paying attention someone had clobbered him with a baseball bat or possibly an astronautical device that he didn’t know the name of. Then because his brain was scrambled, he began hallucinating. Surely he couldn’t be seeing Brownie Snoddy AKA the demon seed from the nether regions of hell present on the Snoddy Estate when it had been specifically arranged that he stay away from Willodean until after she’d given birth.

  But no, rubbing his eyes didn’t help. Brownie was there and ready to get right into the thick of things.

  David turned and deliberately looked at Bubba. “See,” he mouthed very purposely at Bubba. “Brownie could be the Boo.”