The Love We Had

by C Monet

  “Take the time you need,” I urged as I put her on speaker and loosened my tie. As I heard her shuffle and sniffle I send out a text letting my partners know that I needed to push the meeting back. Nothing would come before this moment. Naomi needed me and like the air I inhaled, I needed her to need me.

  “The night you asked me about having a baby I should have told you how I felt without disrespecting you and making you feel like less of a man. Shit has been coming to me and hitting me like a ton of bricks. When you came to me, you caught me off guard. We planned everything in our life, but we never talked about children. I don’t know how we missed that with the way we used to stay up late on the phone until our eyes burned,” she laughed, and I did too. We would put the phone up to the T.V and play our favorite love song. Back then it seemed like “Differences” was playing every five minutes. It was on my voicemail, it was in our letters, the lyrics in our lockers.

  “I remember.”

  “We may never get over the things I said and the way I treated you, but I want you to know why. The nights I used to come over we never talked about why I was so upset. You know Josie as the sweet homemaker, but you don’t know how bad she used to lash out at us. My mother has a law degree and has never put it to use. Having children halted her dreams and she was forced to be a homemaker. She resented us although she never said those words. We felt it, we heard it in her voice, we saw it in her eyes.

  Talking about having kids felt like a blow to the gut. For as long as I can remember I said I would never be like her. I wouldn’t sacrifice a career for anything. I also wouldn’t bring kids into this world that wouldn’t feel my love. I feared you didn’t respect who I was and where I was going. I felt how she felt about my father. My father forced her hand and tied her down with kids. I just knew that was what you would do. How could you not? We both grew up in two-parent homes with stay-at-home moms. Instead of explaining that to you I accused you of something I didn’t understand. I really just wanted to get that off my chest Gray.” Her revelation started to melt the ice around my heart. I wished she wouldn’t have kept this from me. We could have worked through it before we became so full of hatred for one another. We had become slaves to our idea of how that night went.

  She was scared and now I understood. No, it didn’t change how she handled it, but it made sense. I thought back to the conversation with her brother and this was what he meant. She was scarred and her vision tarnished from her past. A past I didn’t know about. We were kids, I didn’t know the right questions to ask then. My girl was hurting and the only thing on my mind back then was making her feel better. We never got to the root.

  “Naomi, I have always respected you and what you do. It was never my intention to leave you barefoot and pregnant. I want you happy and decorating and running shit that makes you happy. When I brought it to you I only wanted us to have something we shared again. Remember when we used to share milkshakes, burgers, homework, a twin bed, and so many other things. I figured it would be no different. Never in my life have I ever wanted to stifle or kill off what makes you Naomi the bold and the beautiful.”

  “I don’t know how we fix this or if we can. But I am going to therapy. A piece of paper won't stop me from loving you. I haven’t told you or showed it, but I respect you. Graysen, you are a good man and I know I’ve taken advantage of the heart you possess. I just wanted to say I’m sorry and I hope you can forgive me and forgive yourself for loving a monster.”

  “Naomi, I never thought you were a monster. Don’t do that. Don’t create a false situation. I love you more than I love the Pythagorean theorem. Understand we got off track and we can either stay this way or we can figure out,” I admitted. Shit, I was ready to come home. Staying in that small ass apartment was torture. And I just dealt with it to give her the space she needed. I would always feel like I was the man for her. That would never change.

  “I won’t hold you up. Maybe we can talk when you get back.”

  “How about I call you tonight? A Skype date maybe?” I asked.

  “I’d love that Gray. I think I’m about to take a nap or something. No work for me.”

  “You’ve worked hard. It’s ok to take a break, love. Talk to you later.” From the day she opened her business, she had been on the grind. Feet to pavement. She didn’t let a minute go by without making it work for her. I admired that but I knew the effects it would have. Being busy didn’t mean being productive and she hadn’t grasped that.

  When I got my first job offer I made peanuts compared to my skills. I worked hard and still got looked over. I didn’t give up, but it knocked me down a notch. I learned that there was always a possibility that there was someone else willing to do the same. I stopped working myself to the bone. I stopped volunteering to leave my home and my wife behind. The shit happened naturally, and it made me appreciate it more. They saw me, the person behind the work. They knew I was solid, and I had values. People trusted me with their finances, my accuracy was just as important as my morals.

  I needed Mi to see that. Her work spoke for itself. She didn’t have to dance in every parade for the respect of others. But after her moment of transparency, I knew it had nothing to do with others. She worked hard for her mother. Not to prove she could do it but to prove that she was different. Unfortunately, it would probably never change Josie’s ideas of her. She was fighting a losing battle. She would never win and truthfully there was nothing to gain but her sanity. I need my wife to find her sanity. Then and only then would she come back to me.

  Pulling up my email I typed one line…. Stop the divorce, but don’t let Charlotte know.

  Naomi

  If it's meant to be, it'll be- Florida Georgia Line

  “Girl some weird shit been going on and I don’t even know where to start,” I whispered. Today I promised myself I would get out the damn house. The rain had me slipping into a damn depression and I knew a smiling face and little feet would pull me back into the light. Mara hadn’t been back for a minute, but I also wasn’t wearing my ring in fear that she would come back with her crap.

  “Like what girl?”

  “Promise you won’t laugh?” I asked holding out my pinky. She grabbed my pinky and we kissed it. I looked around because I still wasn’t sure about saying it or how to even explain the mess. She would laugh and I knew she would judge. I was stalling as she looked annoyed by my silence.

  “I said I wouldn’t laugh now tell me.”

  “There’s been a spirit following me. Am I crazy?” I asked waiting for her rude ass to appear and scold me. Her silence was golden because when she did speak she made you feel like scum. Her tough love was too tough if you asked me. I wouldn’t admit to her that she was onto something.

  “Girl the angels in heaven raining down on you?” she laughed. I slapped her leg because she promised she wouldn’t laugh. Now not only was she laughing so hard tears were in her eyes but she was making jokes about it. Standing to my feet, I began to pace.

  “Listen to me Charlotte because I’m for real serious. Her name is Mara and the other night you said something and I took it literally now some freaky Friday crap is going on.”

  “Ok give me the wine that’s enough for you,” she continued to joke. I didn’t find anything funny and it was upsetting because holding this in was eating me up. I felt crazy but relieved. I mean I had my own guardian angel. Yea she was smart at the mouth and didn’t have an ounce of manners, but she was breaking through a barrier I didn’t even realize I had up. I needed to share this and have someone tell me I wasn’t crazy.

  “You said I needed to make a wish or something like that, so I did when I was leaving. When I got home she came out of nowhere. And she was saying things that no one else would know and then she showed me scenes, vivid scenes of situations between me and Grayson.”

  “And it’s a spirit?”

  “Yea she said she was the spirit of relationships past and she was here to help and I’ll be honest she has. I called him,” I admitte
d as she handed me the wine back. Taking a big gulp she kept wide eyes on me. As she stood and moved to the back deck, I already knew what time it was. We were about to smoke some good herb and get to the nitty-gritty.

  “As your lawyer, I have to say it; don’t you dare tell another soul this. I’ve never known you to be a liar, so I have to believe you. Now tell me everything. Is she here now?”

  “No, it doesn’t work like that. It’s like she comes when she needs to. She shows me something old from me and Graysen. I can’t complain about having a spirit. I wish she would have come sooner. Ya know, before it went from sugar to shit.”

  “And you said you talked to him right?”

  “Yea, I called having a moment because of something she showed me, and it felt right to tell him the truth about some things I’ve been holding in. I mean my mind is so free and focused. We can make this work - I know we can. I’ve got a lot of work to do but after seeing what we used to be I know we are meant to be. When we spoke the words didn’t feel empty at all.”

  “You told him about your mother? And how did he respond?”

  “I apologized for not telling him. I had plenty of time to tell him, but I was embarrassed. I know I’m not my mom and I won’t be her, but it always lingers in the back of my brain. I could be a terrible mother. He understood and wishes I would have said that instead of belittling and accusing him. I didn’t feel like throwing up either after apologizing. That’s progress Char,” I laughed. She knew how bad I hated admitting my faults. But Graysen had been more than good to me until I made him turn on me. I couldn’t blame him for shutting his heart off to me. Shit, I was toxic and that was the truth.

  “So now what?” she asked, and I didn’t know. Everything going back to how it was sounded good, but I knew going back to how it was wouldn’t be ideal. We needed to learn to love in the space we were in right now. We weren’t kids anymore. We had careers, aspirations, and goals. A conversation with realistic expectations was needed. We needed to decide if the love we had was still strong enough to be the love of a lifetime.

  “I don’t know but I know we have to figure it out or let it go. But peacefully with no hard feelings. Hearing his voice was bittersweet. He sounded good and I wished I could say I was in his spot. I truly wouldn’t wish this discouragement on anyone. My marriage failing has me feeling like I’ll fail at everything.”

  “Girl how?”

  “Loving Graysen was always easy. It was easy from day one. He never required a lot from me, and he never pushed me to do anything I didn’t want to do. He trusted me with everything. He believed in me and I believed in him. I never had to fight for his time or attention. I didn’t have to beg for him to love me or appreciate me, it came naturally. If I can fuck that up then I can fuck anything up.”

  “Naomi, you made a mistake but the Naomi I know doesn’t accept defeat of any kind. You are strong and you are a boss. Acknowledge the wound and start the healing process. I still love you even after what I said, and I know the same is true with Graysen. Stop trippin’ and get out of that state of mind,” she discoursed.

  Coming in for a hug, I held on tight. I wanted to fall apart because a real hug just hadn’t been easy to find. I missed my loved ones so much. Throughout this process, I wanted to reach out to my mom, but I was afraid we would argue and go down the same dark path we always traveled. She felt like we forgot all about her sacrifices and that wasn’t true. We loved her but I wasn’t going to worship her because she decided not to fight for both in life.

  I started laughing because it was funny that I felt that way but didn’t think it was true for myself. I could have both, it was possible, but Graysen took the control from me and that caused me to shut him out and shut down. I was a control freak and now everything was making sense. I had no problem showing love to my godchild and I knew I would give it twenty times harder for my own. My problem was wanting everything on my time and terms. Not thinking about Graysen attacked his masculinity and now I felt terrible.

  “I’ve gotta go but I’ll be in touch, kiss Tabitha for me,” standing to my feet I hugged my friend one last time and gathered my things. I was headed home and about to revamp my life and get my husband back. I didn’t have a plan. What I wanted was more than clear. I wanted my husband and I wanted to compromise with my husband. Our love came so easy, we were bound by love and commitment. Our vows meant something, and we saw something in each other that had us tied forever; something we couldn’t find elsewhere. A silly thought that wasn’t true wouldn’t keep me from having that forever.

  7

  Later that Day

  Every tear's a rain parade from hell- Ariana Grande

  “Hey girl hey,” I heard Mara say as I stood in the middle of my home office. It was full of fabric samples, paint books, curtains, fake trees and boards of my many designs. I loved what I did. I thrived on making an empty space become an elegant space. A space that made it feel like a home. Our home was decorated beautifully but it didn’t make it any less ugly with the empty feel. Sitting in the room I contemplated taking everything I ever wanted back.

  Back in the day having Graysen Belton was more than enough. I would wait up all night long waiting for his flight to land. We would talk on the ride home and when I heard his keys jingle in the door it sent me fleeing to meet him at the door. I missed being happy to be in his presence. I missed him now. I would give anything to see his face. He was perfect in every way. His stellar looks hadn’t changed. If anything he had only gotten better.

  Graysen could dress his ass off. He loved ties, he loved his fancy socks and his suits always fit his broad bulky shoulders. He worked out five days a week, he ate right, and it showed. Watching him get ready in the mornings used to be one of my favorite past times. I would stand at our Jack and Jill sink and watch him in the mirror. His ebony brown skin and freshly shaved head provided the best show. The next day I would do the same cheering inwardly of the encore. Seeing him the other day was no different. I shivered thinking of him in that slate-gray suit.

  “Not right now, I’m thinking.”

  “You are so funny. You don’t run me, little lady. Honestly, you don’t run anything and that’s really why I’m here. You can’t control every aspect of life. You can’t manipulate every aspect of life. You have a purpose and you need to see about that purpose before it comes to see about you,” she said rolling her eyes. Today she was eating a slice a pizza. If the situation was different I wouldn’t mind being her friend but right now I was sick of hearing her snarky speeches.

  “They don’t feed you in heaven?”

  “Mind the business that pays you. What you doing in here anyway?”

  “Just thinking about Graysen buying the house so this could be the baby room. He said the lighting and placement was perfect,” I answered with a sigh.

  “He’s right.”

  “Are we almost finished here? I assume your job was to come make me feel bad and you can tell God it worked. Tell him I get it. I’m one fucked individual that will die lonely.”

  “If he wanted that for you I wouldn’t be here.”

  “Why did he put divorce into Graysen’s head if he wanted us to work?”

  “You did that, or do I need to remind you? Life lies in the power of the tongue. We are so careless with our words. We think it’s small and means nothing but everything we say carries a great consequence,” she educated. And before I could respond we were in an office. I looked around and touched everything I could. I hadn’t been here before, but I spotted me and Graysen’s Great Smokey Mountain picture on the desk. Sad to say I had never been to his office before. This trip was about my lack of support.

  “I get it, I didn’t support him anymore,” I screamed ready to get off this damn rollercoaster ride. It was never anything positive and I was tired of feeling down on myself. They were my actions, but I didn’t want to live through them anymore. It was too much. I twisted my ring and it didn’t work. I twisted again and Mara began to laugh.


  “You don’t run anything. Sit back and watch.”

  “Naomi, I told you I had to work late. I asked you to stay up,” he fussed into the phone. His shiny forehead was scrunched. He looked exhausted. The stack of folders on his paper indicated he was overworked. He slammed the phone down and put me on speaker.

  “Graysen, I know you fucking somebody from that office. You always there.” I fussed with so much hate in my voice. He chuckled like something was funny, but I didn’t. I caught his laugh and I could hear myself sucking my teeth.

  “Naomi, ain’t nobody cheating on you. You can come down here and see for yourself. I work with a bunch of men. If I’m fucking with one of them we got a much bigger problem. Come eat lunch with me if you miss me.”

  “Why should I come to you?” I asked.

  “Because your schedule is more flexible. You work for yourself boss lady.” He grinned and removed his jacket. He was paying me a compliment and I remember it going right over my head as I continued to accuse him of the ultimate betrayal.

  “Take the bitch that got your time out to lunch. If I found out you cheating I won’t hesitate to divorce you and then I’m killing her so you better let her know how I stick and move.”

  “Mi, I really hate when you start throwing that word around. It annoys me that you resort to that whenever you get upset. As much as I want to say just do it I don’t want that. So why do you?”

  “You won’t have me out here looking foolish that’s why. Divorce, Divorce, Divorce, play with me if you want to,” I screamed as he looked defeated. He disconnected the call and grabbed our photo. He kissed it, touched my face and tossed it in the drawer beside his desk.

  A knock came to the door and a woman appeared without him saying come in. I watched her lick her plump lips. She had on a maroon lip, sported a high bun, and the outfit she had on was way too small for her body size. He looked up and didn’t show any emotion.