Wedding Spells

by Morgana Best

  “It’s beige,” the woman snapped. She glared at me and sat down in her chair with a thud. I was half expecting the chair to collapse from the momentum, and more than half hoping it would.

  “Your cake exploded?” Alder said loudly. “What sort of cake was it?”

  “A Bombe Alaska, and no jokes please,” I hurried to say. “It was a perfectly fine cake, but Camino threw kerosene over it right when I was scorching it with the kitchen blowtorch.”

  Alder nodded sagely, but his aunt was still fuming. “Are all your friends quite mad, Alder?”

  Alder ignored her and ordered coffee. I was glad he didn’t order food, because I didn’t want to spend any more time in this dreadful woman’s presence than was strictly necessary.

  Mercifully, she didn’t speak again, but her eyes remained fixed on me. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, a familiar face came into the café. It was Maeve McKenzie, one of the local witches in town. Maeve and her children were coming to the wedding.

  I noticed Alder was fidgeting in his seat. As he was not one to fidget, I realised he had not had a chance to warn any of the wedding guests that his aunt was from a long line of witch hunters and was not a fan of witches. I held my breath, wondering what Maeve would say.

  As Maeve made a beeline for us, dragging her twins behind her, Alder stood up. “My aunt has surprised me and is staying for the wedding,” he said.

  “I didn’t know you had any relatives,” Maeve said and then flushed bright red. No doubt she realised she had put her foot in it.

  “Yes, my aunt is a member of my family,” he said.

  Fortunately, Maeve appeared to take the hint immediately. “I see,” she said, nodding slowly as she spoke. For some reason, she must have felt the urge to introduce her children to Mrs Bunyons. I still had a vision in my head of Bertha Bunyons as one of those characters from folklore who captured children and ate them.

  “These are my five-year-old twin boys, Hogan and Logan,” Maeve said.

  Bertha shook her head in obvious disgust. “They’re not dressed alike.”

  Maeve appeared taken aback. “No…” she began, but Bertha forestalled her.

  “They don’t have matching clothes, but they have rhyming names? I don’t see the logic in that.”

  I wondered if there was any way to get rid of Bertha before our wedding. She was the most obnoxious person I had ever met, even worse than Kayleen, the nosy mail lady.

  Maeve clutched her children to her and looked distraught. “I named Hogan after Paul Hogan, and…” she started, but once again the woman interrupted her.

  “Paul Hogan! He’s been divorced twice! Anyone who is divorced is headed straight for hell. They will burn in the eternal fires of damnation surrounded by burning brimstone and hot coals, but Paul Hogan is headed there twice over for two eternities!” Bertha finally stopped to draw breath.

  “How dare you fill my children’s heads with that nonsense,” Maeve shrieked. “They’re only five years old! I won’t have such things said in front of them.”

  Bertha stood up, her cheeks puffed out like an enraged cane toad’s, but Alder intervened. “That’s quite enough, Aunt Bertha. Anyone knows there’s no such thing as two eternities, and you’re upsetting Maeve and her sons.”

  To the contrary, the boys were giggling. Alder pushed on. “You have no right to act that way, especially in front of children. I demand you apologise to Maeve right now.”

  To my surprise, Bertha did. “Yes, please accept my apologies. It’s just so difficult staying with Alder as he doesn’t like me. I’m usually a lovely person, but Alder has made it plain he doesn’t like me and I’m a nuisance to him. He didn’t even invite me to his wedding. He hates me!” She clutched her chest.

  Alder simply rolled his eyes.

  Maeve turned to Alder. “This is my favourite café. They serve such a good array of vegan food.”

  Bertha rounded on Maeve. “What did you say? Vegan? I don’t care much for star signs. Surely you don’t believe such nonsense?” She shrieked again and pointed to Hogan and Logan. “Those little brats are putting their dirty hands on the windows! The shopkeeper has probably spent hours cleaning that glass. Control your children, you, you… hippy!”

  Maeve, a normally placid woman, turned a strange shade of purple. Her fists clenched and unclenched.

  “I’m terribly sorry, Maeve,” Alder said. “I’m taking my aunt home now. Amelia, I’ll see you later.”

  “At the wedding,” I said, “unless circumstances change.” I shot a pointed look at Bertha.

  She in turn was shooting me a look, one of pure venom. I had seen nicer expressions on Eastern Brown snakes.

  Maeve, still muttering angrily, beat a hasty retreat. Maeve doted on her boys and was clearly furious at what Bertha had said to them.

  “I’m sorry; I’m sorry,” Bertha said in a quiet voice to Maeve’s departing back. “It must be my medication mixed with the fact that Alder can’t stand me, when all I have been is lovely to him. Alder really has it in for me. Your children are delightful creatures.”

  I was now pleased I wouldn’t see Alder for the rest of the week, simply so I could avoid his dreadful aunt. What’s more, her suddenly demure behaviour was suspicious. She was up to something, but what?

  Chapter 5

  “I just remembered, I have to pop to the bank,” Alder said.

  Bertha crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m not going with you.”

  I shot Alder a look that said, You’re not leaving her here with me. I jerked my head at her for emphasis.

  Alder and I by now were quite good at non-verbal communication. “Aunt Bertha, you will have to wait outside the bank for me,” he said firmly. “It’s quite close and there’s a bench you can sit on.” He cupped his arm under her elbow and steered her out of the café.

  I breathed a sigh of relief and sank back into the chair. What a completely abominable woman. I had never met anyone quite like her. I ordered another coffee, and kept a good eye on her in case she decided to come back into the café. I hoped Alder didn’t waste any time in the bank.

  While I was staring fixedly at Bertha, my wedding photographer, Yarrow Larkspur, sailed into view. At the same time, one of the local residents walked towards him. She had two delightful Himalayan cats and liked to walk each one in a harness. Yarrow bent down to stroke them. I watched idly as he pulled out his camera and took photos of the cats.

  He continued on to Bertha. When he got close, she stood up and they had an exchange of words. I couldn’t see their faces, as they were partly obscured by one of the bottlebrush trees the council had planted in the street years earlier. I looked down at my coffee, and when I looked up again I saw Bertha waving her arms. It appeared she was screaming at Yarrow. She was too far away to hear.

  The next thing I knew, Yarrow’s camera went flying. I gasped and jumped to my feet. Bertha marched into the bank.

  I ran outside. “Yarrow, are you all right?” I asked him.

  He was close to tears. “She smashed my camera.”

  “Why would she do that?” I asked him.

  A strange look passed over his face. He simply shrugged. “I don’t think she’s in a very good mood. Who is she? I haven’t seen her around before.”

  “Oh, she’s Alder’s estranged aunt,” I told him. “Come inside with me. I’ll buy you a coffee. I don’t want her to see me if she comes out.”

  “I don’t want her to see me if she comes out either,” Yarrow said.

  We both hurried back into the café. “Where’s my coffee?” I asked the waitress.

  “I’m terribly sorry; I thought you’d left,” she said.

  “Oh, that’s fine.” I ordered another coffee for myself and asked Yarrow what he’d like. After he gave the waitress his order, he deposited what was left of his camera on the table.

  “It looks pretty bad to me, but I don’t know anything about cameras,” I said hopefully, eyeing all the bits.

  “She
smashed it up well and truly,” he said.

  “Do you want to go to the police? I’m a witness. We could both go there after we have our coffee.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t want to bother the police with this.” He seemed to be afraid to go to the police.

  “Okay, but if you change your mind, I’m happy to go with you.”

  He thanked me. “I suppose Alder’s aunt is coming to the wedding?”

  I nodded. “I’m afraid so. Alder didn’t invite her, but she just showed up and invited herself. I have no idea how she found out about the wedding.”

  “Bush Telegraph, I expect,” Yarrow said. “It’s amazing how news spreads in this town.”

  “I just wish she’d go back to where she came from,” I said. “She was just now really mean to Maeve Mackenzie and her kids.”

  “That’s terrible. Poor Maeve,” Yarrow said.

  “She was worse to you, breaking your camera. What will you do? It looks like a very expensive one.”

  “It’s insured,” he said. “I won’t lose on it financially, but it was an awful shock to be accosted like that, and in a public street, of all places.” He shot me a look. “Don’t worry, Amelia, I have another camera for your wedding.”

  “I hadn’t even thought of that, to be honest,” I said. “I was terribly shocked by what she did to you.”

  “She’s not staying with you, I hope?” he asked me.

  I muttered rudely under my breath. Aloud I said, “No, thank goodness.” I half wished she would, because I knew the house wouldn’t take any nonsense from her. “She’s staying with Alder.”

  Yarrow chuckled. “I can’t imagine Alder is too pleased about that.”

  I laughed. “No, but it’s a bit sad she’s turned up like this. It kind of throws a whole shadow over the wedding.”

  Yarrow patted my hand. “Only if you let it, Amelia. You don’t have any control over her actions, but you do have control over your own. If you make up your mind not to let her upset you, then she won’t.”

  I forced a smile. What he said made sense. I did suspect it only worked in theory, but it was kind of him to say so.

  “Actually, I was afraid she would have a stroke or something,” he said. “When she was yelling at me, her face went bright red and she gasped for breath.”

  “It’s kind of you to worry about that woman’s health when she broke your camera for no possible reason,” I said.

  Once again, something flickered in his eyes. He did not respond to thank the waitress when she deposited our steaming cups of coffee in front of us.

  “I don’t suppose you’ll be spending much time at Alder’s house with his guest,” Yarrow said.

  “No, I won’t be seeing Alder again until the wedding, sadly,” I said. “I can’t imagine his aunt will let him out of her sight, so he can’t come over to my place.”

  Yarrow shot me a bright smile. “Oh well, this is just one week and you will have the rest of your lives together.”

  I smiled at him. “That’s exactly what I was telling myself earlier.” I reflected on it some more, and then added, “But right now, it seems like a year.”

  Yarrow looked wistful. “That’s the way of it with true love. Oh look, here’s Ruprecht.”

  Ruprecht walked into the shop and greeted us both heartily. “What’s this I hear about Bertha Bunyons arriving back in town? I have just been advised she is related to Alder. Quite a shock.”

  I pointed to the broken bits of camera on the table. “She just yelled at Yarrow and broke his camera.”

  Ruprecht looked aghast. “Goodness gracious me! Why on earth would she do such a thing?”

  Yarrow simply pulled a face.

  “I think he was in her way on the street,” I said.

  Yarrow poked some camera bits around the table. “The insurance will pay for it.”

  “Hardly the point,” Ruprecht said. “I will call Alder and tell him what his aunt did.”

  “Oh no, please don’t.” Yarrow was clearly flustered. “I really don’t want to cause a fuss.”

  Ruprecht made to protest, but Yarrow pushed on. “Please, I insist. No fuss on my account.”

  Ruprecht finally promised.

  I gestured to a spare seat. “Are you joining us, Ruprecht?”

  He shook his head and his face flushed red. “I’m meeting Camino here on her lunch hour.”

  I shot him what I hoped was a neutral smile. “That’s nice,” I said in even tones. I had long wondered if something was going on between them, or whether one or both of them would like something to be going on between them. The fact Ruprecht blushed seemed to confirm my suspicions. “Oh, here she is now,” he said.

  Yarrow gasped, and I looked up to see a giant sleeping bag onesie hobbling into the room. Camino waddled over to greet us.

  “Still in your sleeping bag onesie,” I said with a smile.

  “It’s not the same one, Amelia,” Camino said sternly. “Can’t you see this is a dressed-up version?”

  I couldn’t actually tell the difference. “Oh yes,” I lied. “It’s, err, delightful.”

  Camino pointed to the frills sewn on to the edges. “This is a sleeping bag onesie people can wear to cafés.”

  Now I was really puzzled. “Why would someone wear a sleeping bag onesie to a café?” I asked her, genuinely interested in hearing her explanation.

  “I read a book on niche markets the other week,” she said, “and it said people can do very well out of niche markets. This is for people with sleep apnoea who are meeting their friends at cafés.”

  “I really don’t follow,” I said warily.

  “Nor do I,” Yarrow said. He rubbed both his temples furiously.

  “Some people with sleep apnoea just fall asleep without warning. Years ago I had a school teacher who would fall asleep in the middle of the class. Now just imagine you have sleep apnoea and you’re going out for coffee with your friends and you fall asleep. You could take a nasty tumble off the chair and hurt yourself, but not if you’re wearing this wonderfully padded sleeping bag onesie.”

  I found myself rubbing my forehead too. “I see. So this is a sleeping bag onesie with embroidery on it because it’s a going-out-to-cafés onesie and you will market it directly to people who have sleep apnoea.”

  “That’s right,” Camino said with a wide smile. “Still, I shouldn’t let it distract me from working on my military application onesies.”

  I couldn’t resist. “Why don’t you make it bigger so you can conceal weapons in it, and then you can sell it to CIA operatives who have sleep apnoea and are going to meet their friends for coffee?”

  Yarrow muffled a giggle, but Camino said, “What a genius idea, Amelia! I’ll have to come over one day soon so we can brainstorm ideas for onesies.”

  I smiled, but was suddenly distracted by a prescience of evil. A darkness, a shadow, tugged at the back of my mind. I quickly shot a look out the window. Bertha was walking away from the bank with Alder. Something wasn’t right. The hair stood up on the back of my neck.

  Chapter 6

  I woke up on my wedding day to the air smelling sweetly of eucalyptus. Outside the neighbourhood children had risen early to rocket through town on their scooters and their bikes, and I listened to the sound of their laughter mingling with the song of the kookaburras. I was warm and happily sleepy, thinking about how today I’d marry the love of my life and the love of my life’s cute butt, when I remembered, bugger me, Camino was making my wedding dress.

  Camino.

  I’d barely had any sleep given the nightmares, each one of Camino enforcing a different theme for my wedding. I broke out into a cold sweat until I remembered I had warned my wedding planner about her.

  Relief was instant. Prudence knew I wouldn’t pay her if Camino took over the wedding. It was bad enough I would have to wear a onesie instead of a wedding gown.

  Hawthorn jumped off my bed and ran out of the room nanoseconds before I heard the knock at the front door. I thr
ew on my bathrobe and hurried down the hall.

  Thyme enveloped me in a warm hug as soon as I opened the door. “It’s your wedding day!” she shrieked. “I hope Dawson proposes to me soon.”

  “I’m sure he will,” I said.

  “And then Mint will marry Chris Bowes.”

  “Wouldn’t they have to date first?” I said with a chuckle.

  Thyme arched one eyebrow. “They’ve been dating for weeks.” She slapped her hand over her mouth. “Oops, it was supposed to be a secret. Mint didn’t want anyone to know.”

  My jaw dropped open. “Not another secret?” I said with dismay.

  Thyme hurried to reassure me. “No, no, no. It’s only been recent. Mint didn’t want anyone to be distracted by her new relationship with Chris, what with your wedding coming up and all. She knew we would all make a big fuss.”

  I was doubtful. “I suppose so.”

  Thyme gave me a gentle shove in the small of my back. “Into the living room with you. Camino is coming with your wedding dress.”

  My stomach churned, but the word ‘dress’ afforded me a small glimmer of hope. Could it be possible it was a dress and not a onesie?

  The house turned off the TV as soon as I walked in the room. “Thanks for that, Grandmother,” I said. “I’m surprised I managed to sleep through all those screaming brides you like to watch on TV.”

  I moved Hawthorn out of the way and sat on the sofa, and steeled myself to pretend to like Camino’s creation, no matter how hideous it was.

  I didn’t have long to wait. Camino sailed into the room, a huge bag draped over one arm. “This is your wedding dress,” she announced with great pride.

  As she opened the bag, revealing all the contents in one go, I stared with disbelief at the dress.