Eyes on the Stars

by Lynn Ames

  “I know I’ve seen you in here before.”

  Jessie shrugged. “Probably. I hang out here once in a while.”

  “Yeah?” The woman blew out a stream of smoke. Why is that?”

  Jessie looked down at herself and back up, her eyebrows arched. “Where else would you expect to find someone like me?”

  “You mean a strong, handsome butch?” A red fingernail traveled the length of Jessie’s vest.

  “Whatever you say.”

  “I say I wouldn’t mind seeing the rest of what you’re hiding under there.”

  Jessie pushed the woman’s hand away. “Not tonight.”

  The woman pouted and gave Jessie a smoldering glance. “Can I get a rain check?”

  “Maybe.”

  Before the woman could respond, the front double doors opened and police burst in.

  “Shit,” Jessie said. “Here we go again.”

  The house lights were turned on and everyone was told to line up. Jessie prepared for what she knew would follow—a female officer would escort her to the bathroom so that she could prove she was wearing at least three articles of women’s clothing.

  Yet, as Jessie looked around her, something seemed different tonight. Men refused to produce their identification and others refused to have their clothing checked. The police seemed antsy, and Jessie smelled trouble brewing.

  “All right, that’s it. The lot of you are coming downtown.”

  An officer pulled Jessie’s hands roughly and slapped handcuffs on her.

  “These are too tight. They’re cutting off my circulation.”

  “Yeah, what are you gonna do about it?” He intentionally brushed against her breasts.

  Jessie wanted to spit in his eye. Instead, she glared daggers at him. He dragged her by the handcuffs out to the waiting paddy wagon.

  “The hell with this,” Jessie muttered. She had no desire to spend the rest of the night in a jail cell. As soon as he turned his back after putting her in the paddy wagon, she escaped. He came after her again. Again she eluded him. The next time, she felt his billy club crack her on the head. Her vision went hazy as he threw her back in the wagon.

  “Come on, come with me.” Someone helped Jessie up and led her out of the wagon and into the middle of a gathering crowd. “Let’s get you out of here.”

  Jessie tasted blood in her mouth. Her head was bleeding and her vision was less than stellar. “I don’t live too far from here. Just a little ways down Christopher Street.”

  “Okay. Show me where.”

  Jessie blinked and tried to clear her vision. “Another block on the left.” She tried to make out the features of her savior in the dim light from the streetlamp. He looked vaguely familiar, like she had seen him somewhere before. “Who are you?”

  “I’m Jason, although my friends call me Lila.” He smiled at Jessie and winked. “I’ve seen you at the bar a couple of times. I remember because you seem a little old for that crowd. No offense.”

  “None taken. You’re probably right, but I like to watch the dancing, and it’s close to my place, so…” Jessie tried to orient herself. “Okay. Three brownstones down on the left.”

  “Got it. You have a key?”

  “Sure.” Jessie tried in vain to put her hand in her pocket. The handcuffs she still wore prevented her from being able to reach.

  “You want me to get that?”

  Jessie sighed. “Doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice.”

  “I’ll be gentle. I promise.”

  “I bet you say that to all the boys.”

  Lila laughed delightedly and clapped his hands. “I like you…”

  “I’m Jessie.”

  “…Jessie.” He fished in Jessie’s pocket and pulled out her apartment key.

  “Third floor, second door to the right.”

  “Of course, a sturdy butch like you would never live on the first floor. That would be too convenient. You need to show your virility.”

  “You look like you’re in pretty good shape to me. Stop your complaining.” Jessie bumped him in the shoulder.

  They climbed the stairs to the third floor, and Lila let them into Jessie’s apartment. He looked around and whistled. “Nice pad.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You’re so neat.”

  “What were you expecting?” Jessie motioned him toward the kitchen.

  “I don’t know. I’ve never been in a butch’s place before.”

  “There’s a handcuff key in the cookie jar on the counter.”

  Lila’s eyebrows shot up.

  “I like to be prepared.” Jessie tried for nonchalance. The key had been given to her by one of her trysts—a female cop—in case she ever got in trouble.

  “I’ll say, sugar,” Lila said, as she worked the key in the lock.

  Jessie’s body tensed, and she sat down heavily.

  “Did I hurt you?”

  “N-no.” Jessie bit her lip and blinked back the tears that sprang instantly to her eyes. Lila was watching her, so Jessie looked away.

  “Oh, honey. What is it?” Lila finished removing the handcuffs and stroked Jessie’s shoulder.

  “Nothing.”

  “That doesn’t seem like nothing to me.” He pulled out a chair and sat down, knee to knee with her. In his eyes was deep, genuine compassion. When she didn’t say anything, Lila said, “I tell you what. I’ll go get you some bandages and fix up your head, and you compose yourself. You can tell me all about it after I make us some coffee. Which way is the medicine cabinet?” Jessie pointed. “Okay. Back in a jiff.”

  When Lila finished patching up Jessie’s head and cleaning up the blood, he brewed a pot of coffee and handed Jessie a cup.

  She hadn’t had any intention of telling this stranger anything. But it was close to the anniversary of that day at Sweetwater Lake—the day that changed the course of her life and cost her Claudia, so her emotions were closer to the surface than normal. The trauma of nearly being taken to jail to suffer whatever fate awaited her there also weighed heavily on Jessie.

  And so, for the first time ever, she unburdened herself and told another human being about losing the one great love of her life. As she finished, she leaned forward and looked Lila in the eye. “I’ve been stuck in this sort of limbo ever since. I love Claude with all my heart. I can’t change that. There isn’t room for anyone else in there. But I know she isn’t coming back. So I fill my life with empty, meaningless interludes.”

  “What did I say that set you down this path?”

  “Claudia’s pet name for me was ‘sugar.’ I can’t hear it without thinking of her and remembering.”

  “Of course you can’t.” Lila put his hand on her knee. “I’m sorry.”

  “You didn’t know.”

  “Still, I don’t like to cause anyone pain, however unintentionally.”

  “You’re a sensitive soul, Lila, and a good man.”

  “Thanks. Lord knows I’ve seen enough cruelty to last a lifetime.” His eyes took on a faraway look. It was a look Jessie had come to recognize in recent years.

  “You a vet?”

  Lila nodded. “You can’t imagine what it was like over there. The things I’ve seen.”

  “You’re right, I can’t.” Jessie paused. “Want to talk about it?”

  “Not right now, thanks.” Lila got up and walked around, examining the keepsakes on Jessie’s shelves. He picked up a picture and ran his fingers over it. “The P-51 Mustang. Now that’s a sweet plane.”

  Jessie got up and joined him. “You know planes?”

  “Fly them. That’s part of what I was doing over there…flying missions.” He put the framed snapshot back on the shelf. “I want to hear all about—what did you say they were called?”

  “The WASPs.”

  “I want to hear all about everything tomorrow morning over breakfast.” Lila batted his eyelashes at her. “Can you cook?”

  “Can I cook? I make the meanest omelet this side of the Mississippi.”r />
  “I’ll be back at…” He made a show of looking at his watch. “…at ten o’clock.”

  Jessie groaned. “That’s only six hours from now.”

  “Hey. You owe me. I got you a ‘get out of jail free’ card tonight.”

  “I suppose.”

  “Good. See you at ten.” Lila swept out the front door.

  It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship—the first and only friendship Jessie ever had, apart from Claudia. Jessie put shaking fingers to her lips. She missed Lila. Over the years, they shared their deepest feelings. They became each other’s touchstones. Jessie spoke of Claudia to him, and he shared the horrors of Vietnam and his subsequent nightmares with her. He passed away from AIDS in 1987. Jessie spoke at his funeral.

  “What would you think of all this fuss today, Lila? Me, meeting Claudia’s daughter and finding out that Claudia never did marry or take another lover. It’s something, isn’t it? All those years, I was so sure she was unreachable.”

  Jessie stood up and stretched. She was stiff from sitting for so long. A look at the clock told her it was time for her next round of medications. She thought about ordering room service again, but she really wasn’t hungry. Besides, eating would only make her sleepier, and she had no intention of going to bed until she was done reading.

  December 22, 1969

  My Dearest Darling Jess,

  Merry early Christmas to us, sugar. We’re grandparents! Natalie gave birth this morning to a beautiful, healthy baby girl—Lisa Jane Barnes. Our son-in-law Josh is over the moon. Personally, I think forty-seven is too young to be called grandma, don’t you, darling?

  Natalie’s experience was so much different than my own. I was with her during labor, and Josh was pacing outside. Natalie knew what to expect, and she gave birth at the hospital where she is doing her residency. It was all very civilized—nothing at all like my frantic, homespun experience.

  Josh and I are getting along much better now that he’s not so afraid of me anymore. I guess he figures I’m over being angry that they didn’t tell me Natalie was pregnant when I was here in June, even though they already knew…

  “I’m sorry, Mama. I thought you’d be so ashamed of me. I mean, you think I’m this perfect child, and here I am, pregnant and unmarried.”

  Claudia laughed. “Do you really think I’m in a position to judge you or that I would, sweetheart? If so, then I haven’t done a very good job of raising you.”

  “You did a great job. You’re the best mom in the whole world.” Natalie enveloped Claudia in a hug.

  “I don’t know about that, but I do know how much I love you and that I would love you no matter what. Except maybe if you became an axe-murderer. We might have to talk about that.”

  “Mama!”

  “Are you planning to marry Joshua?”

  “He prefers to be called Josh. And yes. That’s the other reason I came home. I wanted to invite you to the wedding. Can you come?”

  “I don’t know.” Claudia’s eyes twinkled. “When is it? I have a very busy social schedule. I’ll have to see if I can squeeze you in.”

  “Very funny. We’ve set the date for July sixteenth.”

  “July sixteenth? That’s next week!”

  Natalie bit her lip. “I know. But we wanted to get married before the baby starts to show. You know. I don’t want people staring, thinking awful things about me, and talking behind my back.”

  That was something Claudia understood better than almost anybody. “Okay. Just tell me where to be, and I’ll try to find something to wear by then.”

  “Um, one more thing.” Natalie looked nervous.

  “What is it, baby girl?”

  “Will you make my wedding dress?”

  “Will I…” Claudia’s eyes misted over. “You want me to make your dress?”

  “You’re the most amazing designer ever, and I want to have something of you in the ceremony. All these years, it’s just been the two of us. This is one last thing we can do together, you and me.”

  Tears rolled down Claudia’s cheeks. Her little girl was all grown up. “I’d love to make it. Of course, you haven’t exactly given me much notice here.”

  Natalie threw her arms around her mother’s neck. “I know you can do it, Mama! Can we go pick out material?”

  “Right now?”

  “Yes!”

  Claudia thought she’d never seen Natalie look so radiant. “Let’s go, then. Time’s a-wasting.”

  Anyway, sugar. Natalie and the baby will be in the hospital for a few days, so I’ll be cooking for Josh. I’m not as good a cook as you, of course, but I can make the basics.

  Lord, I wish you were here with me to celebrate. I miss you so much, darling. Never more than on special occasions like this one. And Christmas being so close compounds the ache.

  I love you with all my heart, sugar.

  Your girl,

  Claudia

  “Well, Claude,” Jessie said, as she put the letter back in the envelope, “looks like Natalie didn’t always have her nose in the books, eh?”

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Jessie closed her eyes and tried to imagine what it would’ve been like if she had chosen to fight for Claudia and their future together. Claudia’s letters made clear that they’d have raised Natalie together, as a family, something Jessie had never considered.

  Over the years, Jessie calculated the age of the child. When she saw kids of a comparable age, she wondered if Claudia’s daughter or son were like this boy or girl. But Jessie never envisioned herself as part of the picture.

  “Who are you kidding, Keaton?” The fact that the baby belonged to Matt, the very act of its creation, made Jessie sick to her stomach. It was only after so many years had passed and now, with the knowledge that, for whatever reason, Matt had never been a presence in Natalie’s life, that Jessie could even entertain the notion of being part of a family.

  Having kids was never a desire for Jessie. She didn’t think she had either the patience or the temperament for it. But if it had been Claudia’s child—their child—that was another matter.

  Viewing Natalie as a person, rather than as Matt’s seed, made a significant difference. Apart from his genetic contribution, Natalie purely was a product of Claudia’s mothering, which was reason enough for Jessie to love her.

  And now for Claudia there was a grandchild in the mix. Jessie could imagine her doting on little baby Lisa. She wanted to read all about it, but time was not her friend. She drummed her fingers on the packet for 1970. She should leave these years for later. “Just one peek, then I’ll move on.”

  September 5, 1970

  My Dearest Darling Jess,

  I’m so nervous. It’s been almost thirty years since I sat in a classroom. Am I crazy? These college kids are so young. They have their whole lives in front of them. I’m just an aging grandmother with nothing better to do with her life.

  Being alone in the house has become unbearable. Natalie doesn’t write or call me the way she used to. She doesn’t need me—she has Josh, her career, and their baby. As you can tell, I’m feeling low.

  I rattle around in this place with too much time to think about us, to mourn for what should have been. My body still remembers the feel of your fingers and your mouth, and my mind reminds me that memories are all I’ll ever have.

  I’m not going back to school so much to forget, love, for you know I can never do that, nor do I want to. I’m going back to school so that I can occupy my mind and so that I can have a future to look forward to. I’m planning to go to law school after I finish my undergraduate degree. I know, after all these years. Surely, I must be nuts. But if I keep on the way I am… Well, darling, suffice it to say I can’t keep on the way I am.

  I’ve thought about trying to contact you. Oh, sugar, I’ve thought about it so many times. But, by now I’m sure you’ve found someone who makes you happy, someone who won’t disappoint or hurt you. So I’ll leave well enough alone.

  I’d
better get some sleep. Class starts at eight o’clock tomorrow morning.

  Please know, wherever you are, how much I love and miss you. You are my life, still.

  Your faithful girl,

  Claudia

  Jessie dropped the letter in her lap and wiped a tear from her cheek. “Oh, Claude. I was sure you’d forgotten all about me. We were both so wrong. So wrong about so many things. And now you’re dying. Oh, God.”

  She bowed her head and let the tears flow. After a while, she got up, splashed more water on her face, and hobbled around the room to get her circulation going again. If she were younger, she would’ve been doing pushups and jumping jacks. “You wish, Keaton.” She rolled her shoulders and sat down again with the box. It was time to finish this exquisite torture. To have Claudia so near on the pages, and yet so far away. It was agonizing.

  Jessie sorted through the packets. By 1977, Claudia would have graduated from law school.

  July 6, 1977

  My Dearest Darling Jess,

  Today was my first day at the law firm—a rookie lawyer at the age of fifty-four. All the other freshman lawyers are in their twenties. I feel like a dinosaur.

  Natalie says she’s proud of me. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? She, Josh, and little Lisa came to my graduation, which was lovely. I can already tell that Lisa is going to be tall, like her dad. At seven, she’s almost eye-to-eye with me now! Boy, is she a pistol. Where Natalie was sweet and quiet at that age, Lisa is outspoken and fearless. I can only imagine what kind of teenager she’s going to be. But our Natalie is a great mother, and Josh is a good father. If anyone can handle this handful, it will be them.

  But I digress. Back to my first day on the job. As I told you when I was offered the position, this firm specializes in Hollywood contracts—the kind of deals made between actors and studios, what happens when someone breaks a contract and stuff like that. I know it sounds fascinating and maybe it will be eventually, but for today it was pretty dull. I sat at my desk and read reams and reams of paperwork in order to get caught up on the cases to which I’ll be assigned.