Eyes on the Stars

by Lynn Ames

  “If you’re asking me if I’m capable of being on my own, the answer is, I’ve always taken care of myself, and I don’t intend to stop now.”

  “Understood. I don’t want to infringe on your independence. I just want to be clear in my own head on what the nurse’s responsibilities will be.”

  “I’d like to be responsible for as much of your mother’s care as I can be.”

  “I understand that. I’ll be back shortly.” Natalie swept out the door.

  After she left, Jessie lay her head back on the pillow. The pounding in her head was excruciating, but she wasn’t about to let Natalie or anyone else know that. When she closed her eyes, she saw spots. She breathed in through her nose and let the air out slowly through pursed lips.

  Claudia stirred briefly and Jessie brushed her fingers across her cool cheek. “We’re going home soon, love. You and me, together.”

  “We’re going to my house?”

  “That’s right, love.”

  “But how? Why?”

  “Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it. Just lie back and enjoy the ride.”

  Nurses’ aides wheeled Claudia down the hall to a waiting ambulance. Jessie hobbled alongside. She finally had to give in and use her cane.

  Natalie already was at the house, readying Claudia’s room and familiarizing the private nurse she’d hired with the layout and Claudia’s requirements. Jessie marveled that Natalie had been able to arrange everything in a matter of hours. She imagined, though, that Natalie was used to being efficient and in charge. She smiled. Natalie certainly was her mother’s daughter.

  The drive to Claudia’s house was uneventful. Jessie rode in the back of the ambulance with her and held her hand. When they reached their destination, the ambulance driver helped Jessie down the steps. Then he and another young man lowered Claudia’s gurney from the back and wheeled her inside.

  Jessie paused to survey the exterior of the house. It was bright and cheery, surrounded by beautiful flowerbeds leading up to a cozy wraparound porch. It was quintessential Claudia. She smiled a bittersweet smile. The two of them would have been very happy here.

  Natalie appeared in the doorway. “Coming, Jessie?”

  Jessie used the porch railing and hoisted herself up the steps. She paused to rest at the top.

  “Are you feeling all right? You look tired.”

  “I’m fine, thank you. It’s just been a long day.” She looked to the west and the sunset.

  “I’m sorry. I should have realized. Let me show you to Mama’s room. I’ve already moved your suitcase in there.”

  Jessie walked into the vestibule of a lovely, quaint home. Hardwood floors were covered with patterned rugs. The furniture was lived-in but not worn out. Everything was neat as a pin. The artwork was tasteful. Claudia had come a long way since their tiny makeshift rental home in Las Vegas. “Is this the house you grew up in?” she asked Natalie.

  “For as long as I can remember. Mama still keeps my room upstairs. Chelsea used to get a kick out of it when she stayed here as a small girl. Of course, the place has been updated some over the years.”

  “It’s very nice.”

  “Mama picked it because it was close to work for her and she could get home in time to meet me at the school bus.” Natalie smiled. “I can’t remember more than a handful of times that she missed getting me off that bus.”

  They arrived at the threshold to Claudia’s room. Her personal space. Jessie peeked in from the doorway and took it all in. It was spacious. The walls were a warm, pale blue, adorned with Monet prints. The floors were a rich honey oak. Two dressers and two night tables offered ample drawer space and an inviting queen-size bed sat in the middle of the room.

  Claudia was already in the bed, covered up to her chin by a fluffy, colorful comforter. She looked so small and frail. Jessie blinked away tears.

  “Fancy meeting you here,” Claudia said. Her voice was weak but clear.

  “Welcome home, sweetheart.” Jessie closed the distance and took Claudia’s hand.

  “I know you had something to do with this, sugar. Thank you.” Claudia looked at her daughter, standing at the foot of the bed. “And thank you, my sweet Natalie. Two of the best presents I could have wished for, all in one day. You brought my Jessie to me, and you brought me home. I love you.”

  “I love you too, Mama. So much.” Natalie cleared her throat and looked away.

  “I promise to take excellent care of her, Natalie.”

  “I know you will, Jessie.” Natalie pulled Jessie into a gentle hug. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

  “Me too. Thank you for making this possible.”

  “Um, I’m going to go get Cecily. She’s the nurse. I want you both to meet her before I go.” Natalie disappeared down the hallway.

  When Jessie looked back at Claudia, she was staring at her. “What is it, Claude?”

  “First, I can’t believe you’re really here, in my home, with me. I can’t tell you the number of times I dreamed of this. Second, you look positively worn out, and I’m worried about you.”

  “You’re worried about me? Don’t be silly.”

  “You’re still a bad liar, sugar. There’s something you’re not telling me.”

  Before Jessie had to answer, Natalie returned and Jessie breathed a huge sigh of relief.

  “Mama, Jessie, this is Cecily.”

  “Hello, there. It’s great to meet both of you.”

  Jessie shook Cecily’s hand. She had to admire Natalie’s resourcefulness and thoughtfulness. If Cecily wasn’t a lesbian, then Jessie’s last name wasn’t Keaton.

  “I’m going to give you this bell. If you need anything, all you have to do is ring it. Otherwise, I won’t bother you except at medication or meal times, or when it’s time to check blood pressures, respirations, and the like. Does that suit you?”

  “That will be fine, dear,” Claudia said from the bed. “Thank you. Don’t I recognize you from the center?”

  Cecily smiled. “Very good. Yes, I work there part-time as a nurse. The rest of the time I take private assignments like this one.”

  “I wanted someone you’d be familiar with and someone who was familiar with your routine and your needs, Mama.”

  “You always take such good care of me. Thank you.”

  “Jessie, can I help you settle in? Put away your things?” Natalie asked.

  Jessie’s head hurt so badly she barely could see straight. “If you could just show me to the bathroom so I could put my toiletries away, that would be wonderful.”

  “I’ll do it,” Cecily said to Natalie. “That way you can spend a few minutes with your mother.”

  Jessie unzipped her bag and removed her toilet kit. She handed it to Cecily. She was surprised when Cecily put her hand under her elbow and forearm to support her.

  “I’ve got you,” Cecily whispered. “Don’t worry, your girl can’t see this from her vantage point.”

  Jessie started to protest but subsided. Surely, it would be worse if she fell on her face. “Thank you.”

  The bathroom was part of the master suite, and Jessie admired its layout. There was a walk-in shower and a separate tub, twin sinks and medicine cabinets. Plenty of room for two people.

  “Is it time for your medicine, Jessie?” Jessie looked sharply at Cecily. “Natalie told me.” She rushed on, “Please don’t be mad at her. I’m a trained nurse. I need to know how to help. I understand that you want and value your independence. That was made quite clear to me. You needn’t worry. But I’m a professional, and I can spot when someone’s in trouble. Right now, you look like you’ve about reached your limit. So please, let me help. I promise not to let anyone else see. It’ll be our little secret.”

  Jessie studied Cecily’s eyes. She seemed earnest and not the least bit patronizing. “Deal. Whatever I tell you about my condition, you keep to yourself, right?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Jessie frowned. “What about the day nurse, surely you c
an’t stay here full-time without a break?”

  “She’s going to have to know something, Jessie. Tomorrow’s my day off from the center. I’ll stay as long as I can, but sooner or later, I’m going to need relief.”

  “I can take care of myself during the day. Been taking care of myself all my life.”

  “Okay. I tell you what. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

  “Fair enough.”

  Cecily efficiently unpacked Jessie’s things. She examined the bottles of pills, familiarizing herself with the dosage, then hid them in the spare medicine cabinet so they wouldn’t be in plain sight. “I see you’ve got some powerful meds for migraine relief. But you don’t suffer from migraines, do you?”

  “No,” Jessie admitted.

  “How long?”

  “Hard to say. They do a CAT scan every few weeks. It’s inoperable.”

  “Which centers?”

  “Mostly affects walking and balance and occasionally my vision.”

  “Feels like a blinding headache?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Having one of those now?”

  “Yeah.”

  “When’s the last time you took something for it?”

  “Last night.”

  “I’ll get you some water.”

  “Wait.” Jessie put a hand on her arm. “I don’t want to be out of it. I want to be sharp for every second I have left with her.”

  Cecily nodded. “I understand. How about half a pill? Just enough to take the edge off but not enough to make you too drowsy?”

  “Okay.”

  “And then you need to get ready for bed. You both need some rest. I’m guessing you wouldn’t mind snuggling up with that beautiful girl in there, right?”

  Cecily’s eyes twinkled, which helped to lessen Jessie’s discomfort. Today’s generation was so open, so matter-of-fact about things that in Jessie’s day barely would have been spoken of in whispers.

  As if reading her mind, Cecily said, “I’m sorry. Have I made you too uncomfortable? I just want you and Claudia to know that I get it, and you’re cool with me.”

  “I appreciate that. It’s an age thing. To be able to experience the kind of openness and acceptance your generation enjoys…well, it just boggles the mind.”

  “We’ve still got a long way to go, but we’ve come a long way from the dark ages.”

  “We’d better get back in there.” Jessie accepted the glass of water and the half pill from Cecily.

  “Do you need help getting ready for sack time?”

  “No, I can handle it. Just need to get my clothes.”

  Together, they walked back into the bedroom. Cecily let go of Jessie’s elbow when they got close enough so that either Natalie or Claudia could see the support being offered. Claudia was asleep, Natalie sitting in a chair by her bedside.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Yes, thanks. I’m just going to get ready for bed.”

  “Do you need anything to eat? It’s been a long time since you had something.”

  “No. I just need to lie down for a little while. Maybe after that.”

  “Okay. Well, I need to get home and see my husband. I’ll call first thing in the morning to see how you’re doing and likely stop over on my way home from work tomorrow night. Mama’s had about as much excitement for one day as she can stand, I think. She’ll probably sleep for at least a few hours now. You could probably use at least that much rest, yourself.”

  Jessie nodded. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d put in a day that was either as emotionally charged or as physically active as today had been. Surprising herself, she stepped forward and initiated a hug with Natalie. “Thank you, again, for being so welcoming and for bringing your mother home. I wish… I wish I’d gotten a chance to know you much sooner.”

  “Me too, Jessie. It’s nice to have the whole family home now, though.”

  Jessie let go and stepped away. “Until tomorrow, then.”

  “Until tomorrow,” Natalie agreed, motioning Cecily to see her out.

  “I’ll be upstairs if you need me, Jessie.” Cecily called over her shoulder.

  When they were gone, Jessie stood by the side of the bed watching Claudia sleep, in the bed her lover always had dreamed of sharing. She thought she should pinch herself, but if it was a dream, she didn’t ever want to wake up.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Jessie was awakened by a debilitating, skull-rattling flash of pain. Keeping her eyes closed to protect them from the light, she took in and let out several shallow breaths.

  “What is it, sugar?” Claudia’s hand caressed the side of Jessie’s face.

  Jessie cracked her eyes open slowly. “It’s nothing. Why are you awake?”

  “Don’t try to change the topic, Jess. Please,” she put her hand over Jessie’s heart, “don’t shut me out.”

  “Never.” Jessie blinked, trying to bring Claudia’s face into focus. “Are you okay?”

  “I hurt like a son-of-a-gun.”

  Jessie struggled to sit up. She reached out and grabbed the bell from the night table.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Getting Cecily so she can give you your meds.”

  “I don’t want my meds.”

  “You just finished saying you were in pain.”

  “I did. But the pills make me sleepy, and I don’t want to waste time sleeping that I could spend awake with you.”

  “I bet Cecily could find a way to help you out that wouldn’t put you to sleep.” Jessie rang the bell before Claudia could talk her out of it. She couldn’t stand the idea of Claudia being in pain.

  Cecily knocked and entered. “What can I do for you? It’s about time for your meds, Claudia, and I could check your vitals so that I don’t have to bother you again.”

  “Claudia’s in a lot of pain, but she doesn’t want to take anything that will make her too tired. Got any suggestions?”

  Cecily affixed the blood pressure cuff to Claudia’s arm and took her readings, then held her wrist and took her pulse. “It’s eleven fifteen now. You don’t want to sleep through the night?” Cecily asked Claudia.

  “Life’s too short and precious to spend it with my eyes closed all the time.”

  “Gotcha. How about if I give you a little something to eat to absorb the medication? Then I’ll give you a half dose instead of a full one. That way you can keep your wits about you, and it will dull the pain a little.”

  “I hate to see you hurting, love,” Jessie said.

  Claudia let out a long-suffering sigh. “I just know it’s going to knock me out.”

  “Not for too long, though,” Cecily promised. “While I’m in the bathroom, I’ll get you a bedpan. You about ready for that?”

  Jessie felt Claudia tense beside her. “I tell you what. I’m going to get up and use the facilities. You two negotiate whatever you need to do while I’m gone.” Jessie understood only too well; she would’ve felt the same way. As much as she wanted to be the one to care for her lover, in this instance, it was better to trust it to Cecily and give Claudia her dignity. Jessie sat up slowly and threw her legs over the side of the bed.

  “I’ll just go with you to get Claudia’s things.” Cecily winked and put her arm around Jessie, making it look for all the world like she just was being friendly.

  Jessie knew better but appreciated that Cecily was taking most of the load. Her legs felt like rubber and her brain was banging around in her skull.

  When they reached the bathroom, Cecily said, “You take another half a pill too, Jessie. You won’t be any good to her if you can’t see straight.”

  “I really don’t want—”

  “I promise you, I’ll dose both of you so that your meds wear off at about the same time. It’ll only be for two or three hours max.”

  “Okay,” Jessie agreed reluctantly, knowing that she would never be able to go back to sleep with her head feeling the way it did. “But I want a guarantee that I’ll only sl
eep as long as Claudia does.”

  Cecily laughed. “I’m no chemist, and I’m not a miracle-worker, but I’m as sure as I can be. Just depends how your bodies process the chemicals.” Cecily retrieved the bedpan from under the sink and the meds from the cabinets. “I’ll take care of your girl and come back. That way you should be ready to go back to bed and it’ll look natural for us to return together.” Cecily put Jessie’s pill on the counter with a glass of water.

  “You’re sneaky.” Jessie smiled. “I like that.”

  Jessie climbed back in bed after Cecily left. “Better, love?”

  “Not yet,” Claudia answered. “Jess?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Before you lie back down all the way. Can I…” Claudia blushed, something Jessie never had seen her do before.

  “What is it?”

  “I want something, but I’m embarrassed to ask.”

  “Anything, Claude. Anything you want is yours.” Jessie touched her forehead to Claudia’s.

  “You might want to hear what I’m proposing, first.”

  “You want to go skinny dipping by the moonlight?”

  That surprised a laugh out of Claudia. “Close.” She ran her fingers along Jessie’s jaw, sending a shiver through her. “It’s been so long… I want to lie naked with you for just a little while. I want to feel your body against me.” She rushed on, “I know it’s foolish for a woman my age and in my condition—”

  “Yes.” Jessie’s voice trembled. “Yes, a hundred times yes, love.” Jessie scooted down and grabbed the hem of Claudia’s nightgown. “Can you help me at all?”

  “What do you need?”

  “Can you lift your bottom a little?”

  “For you? I could move the world.”

  It was a struggle, but Jessie managed to get them both naked. She laid the clothes within easy arm’s reach. When she turned back, Claudia was staring at her. “I-I’m sorry, Claude. I know I’m not that sleek, toned twenty-year-old anymore—”

  “You’re perfect, sugar, just the way you are.” Claudia’s voice was raspy. She beckoned Jessie with her finger. “Come kiss me.”

  The kiss was slow, tender, reverent, and far more powerful than any Jessie could remember in her lifetime. Their bodies slid together. Jessie felt Claudia’s hesitation when their chests touched, and she only pulled her lover closer. “You’re beautiful, Claude, as you say, just the way you are.”