by Mia Ford
“Oh, come on, Riley. It’s one night with a man I barely know,” I retorted, starting to feel silly for even thinking about it this much, “And besides, I don’t even know if he wants to go out on a date. He’s just creeping outside our dorm. Isn’t that a little weird to you?”
“I’m confused; do you want my real answer or the answer you want me to give you?” Riley hissed. Then, she added, “It depends on your perspective. He asked you for another date, post-fuck…
“Another date?”
Again, she rolled her eyes, “Okay, he asked you for a date. You ran away and now this is him coming after you. He must really want that date. You could think of it as romantic.”
“Or, I could be smart and try my very best not to be another addition to the missing persons’ billboards.”
“Do you really think this man is dangerous? ‘Cause if you do, I couldn’t tell, considering you asked him to walk you home and then you slept with him.”
“I was desperate,” I answered sheepishly.
“In a field,” she continued.
“I was also drunk,” I defended myself.
“And you still haven’t denied liking every minute of it.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but instead my jaw simply hung open as I tried to think of something to say.
“My point, is that you made enough stupid decisions the other night, that if he was going to turn violent, he would have done it already. You were practically begging to be on a missing persons’ poster the other night. If you go talk to him now and he wants to go out on a date with you, go. I’m sure you’ll be perfectly safe,” she smiled warmly at me, “I promise, and after the other night, my promises are far and few between. I’m already on thin ice with you. I know this promise is the potential stake to the heart of our friendship. If this guy wields it, I know I’m toast.”
I sighed, now feeling slightly bad with the unfair amount of guilt I had placed on her. After all, I knew she was my best friend and that she wasn’t going to do anything to hurt me. I knew that if she saw that guy, she would punch him in his other eye for me, but I was so angry at everything.
However, now, I was starting to think that I should start to let some things go.
“You’re not toast,” I beamed and reiterated, “You’re my best friend and I know you didn’t mean to do anything. You were only trying to help.”
“Does this mean that you’ll get dressed up and follow my advice?” She asked hopefully, but I shook my head.
“This is stupid. Do you think I’m going to go all out and dress nice for some man I’m fairly certain doesn’t even deserve it? I mean, he’s got a better exterior and can pull off charm a lot better, but he’s still a ruthless businessman, right?”
“Flora, I’m not telling you to do this for him. I want you to do this for you. You’re always working. If you’re not at school, you’re studying, or at your job. You never get to have a nice night out. Collin is offering it to you. You should take advantage of it. If you don’t want to dress up for him, dress up for yourself. It’ll be worth it, I promise.”
There were a million retorts running through my mind but instead of being blatantly disagreeable I decided it would be better if I at least tried to see the point Riley was trying to make.
“Well, it’s not like I don’t find him attractive,” I finally admitted, “And it’s the first time in a long time that I could say that about any man I tried to date.”
I felt my eyes lower as I thought about the last guy I was attracted to.
Bill was a local boy who had grown up about the same way I had. He lived in the same town as us and our fathers were friends. Our mothers had joked that one day, Bill and I would get together.
However, as the years went on and I started to set my sights away from that one-horse town, my parents thought that perhaps it was good to try to find a man.
It seemed weird to me, but my parents were extremely odd when it came to their desire to want me to find a man who could convince me to stay.
Bill was handsome. There was no denying that.
However, he had grown into the country boy that everyone had pegged him to be. He was okay with that. He was a simple guy. He didn’t like school and he would rather play football than do anything else.
Unfortunately for him, he wasn’t all that good at football either. He was okay…but he certainly wasn’t someone that had a fighting chance at going pro.
Although, what bothered me most about that was that he was alright with that. For as much passion as he claimed to have for football, he never wanted to actually do anything.
When he figured out he wasn’t going to get drafted anytime soon, he settled into the idea of helping his father at his farm and living the same way his folks had for the rest of his life.
Yet, after about a year of everyone pestering me to go on one date with him, I obliged.
Again, I thought he was cute. He had a nice body and a gentile smile. While he was a man, and acted as such, he still had a cute, boyish feature that at the time, I liked.
I was upfront with Bill about my intentions to go to college and make a career for myself and he claimed that he understood. He told me that he was just as passionate about football and while I believed him, I knew by that point he didn’t quite have the drive.
After he promised he wouldn’t get in the way of me pursuing my dream, though, I agreed to a second date.
We were dating for about a month. There were no life altering sparks and our relationship wasn’t all that physical.
By the end of it, I only continued it because no one was pestering me about what I was doing with my life.
Both of our parents thought we were going to get married and I guess Bill thought that too.
Yet, when it came time for me to start applying for college, I was extremely busy with writing essays and filling out applications. Bill, on the other hand, besides school, which he had all but dropped out of, had all the time in the world.
I think that might have afforded him too much time. That, or he saw what was happening and couldn’t accept it.
Either way, I noticed that he started to get jealous. In a short span of time, he went from being a sweet guy, to a stalker.
In the span of a week, our relationship failed to heat up at all, yet the level of neediness and possessiveness that Bill displayed became consuming.
He would call me every few hours and sometimes, even in the middle of the night to ask what I was doing and who I was with.
While I wasn’t in love with him, I still felt like he should know me better than that. I still thought we were friends, after all.
Yet, he got worse, almost by the day.
I didn’t have many friends, but the ones I did have, I had my entire life. Bill knew this, because he had a similar friendship with them, so when he started to become outright suspicious of them, I knew that it wasn’t worth the charade anymore.
However, I never actually did anything about it at this point, because I didn’t want to deal with the drama…and I was sure there was going to be drama.
When you don’t run your own relationship, drama and trouble tend to be instantaneous after a move like that.
Even if Bill was fine with it, I knew that someone else wouldn’t be and that was what stopped me from severing the relationship completely at that point.
We would argue constantly and on the rare occasion I went out without him, I caught him following me.
The third time it happened, I confronted him, and he obviously denied it, but I knew the truth. He wasn’t all that intelligent, after all.
Then, one night, after walking home from a friend’s house, I had the strange feeling that someone was following me. I kept turning around, but there was no one there.
Then, when I was at my front step, I heard the small, white picket fence creak open behind me. My heart leapt into my chest and I spun around.
Bill was standing there, with a strange look. He seemed sad, possibly drunk,
and angry.
“What are you doing?”
“Can’t I come see my girlfriend?” He demanded, narrowing his eyes. The slight slur in his words confirmed what I had originally thought.
“Bill, its two in the morning…”
“Exactly!” He exclaimed, “What the hell are you doing out at two in the morning?”
“I was at Donna’s house…But, you know what, it’s not even worth it. I don’t have to tell you where I’m going. I’m done! We’re done!” I exclaimed and despite the hurt I felt, at having to break up with him this way, I never had a second thought.
I had never thought of him as abusive, or scary, but right now, he was both and all I wanted to do was get out of his presence.
Fearing what he might do next, I ran inside and slammed the door shut.
The next day, I enrolled in self-defense classes. It was something I had meant to do for a long time, but never had a good enough reason to.
Of course, the next day he called and apologized, but the damage was done. He had completely pushed me out. I realized it was a long time coming but once I had made my decision, I stuck to it.
When he asked if I meant what I said the night before, I confidently told him that I did. I explained that I was sorry, but that I couldn’t stay with him anymore.
After that, I hung up the phone, but Bill refused to take no for an answer. He called me constantly, for a month straight.
While he wasn’t exactly threatening, he was scaring me. He left messages, hundreds of messages. Sometimes, he would be begging me to come back, sometimes he would make the excuse that he was drunk, as if that was supposed to make everything better. Other times, though, he would just leave a message, but he wouldn’t say anything. Instead, it was almost like he pocket-dialed me. I would hear him going about his day, either at school, or wherever.
Unfortunately, being that Bill was a good ol’ boy, nobody thought anything about what he was doing. Even my own parents seemed to be on his side. It was extremely weird…and that experience was what assured me, if there was any doubt left, that I didn’t belong in that town.
Finally, I felt that I had no choice. I changed my phone number and ensured that no one could find it, unless I gave it to them.
It still seems drastic but a year later, I knew it had to be done.
Whenever I went home, I avoided Bill at all costs.
It’s sad, considering we are both grown adults and he should be able to accept a breakup but since he can’t, I had to move on without him having any way to talk to me.
“I know, you never really liked Bill, did you?” She teased, talking about the one guy from our high school who asked me out until I finally said yes.
Bill was crazy.
“No,” I answered with a laugh, “I tried so hard, but he was just…so not my type.”
“It’s okay. He sounds like he was a live wire, thrashing around next to a propane tank,” she insisted, “It’s okay. You can admit it. But at least you admitting you are attracted to this guy is something. If you give this guy a chance, he might surprise you.”
“Yeah, but you know that even if I’m wrong, which I’m not, I go to school with him. Once we leave school, I might have to work with him, or worse yet, interview with him…Do you know how awkward it is going to be if things don’t work out? A casual thing is one thing, forgettable even but what if there’s more and then, there’s nothing…”
“Flora, do you think that I think having a relationship is easy? I feel like you think I’m trying to feed you a bunch of romanticized, image of the iconic movie couples shit. I might not take many things seriously, but that’s only because I haven’t found anyone to be serious with. I know that relationships are hard and sometimes, it seems easier to sleep with a guy and go home in the morning without knowing his name than it is to work through it with someone you really care about. I know that caring about someone is hard and it takes practice. There is always risk but that is what makes it worth it in the long-run. In fact, I think that’s part of why your relationships never go anywhere.”
“I wouldn’t say they never go anywhere,” I insisted but Riley hardly stopped to take a breath. Apparently, she was on a roll.
“You’re not willing to put forth the effort,” she huffed, “Maybe it’s really you that thinks finding a man is easy and should solve all your problems. Maybe that’s why you never try, because you’re too afraid of failure. You haven’t found anyone you find worthy enough of Flora.”
“Well, you hooked me up with the latest gem,” I insisted, feeling slightly defensive. “How did that go?
“Yes, I have. Because the only thing you ever look for is the safe bets. You want to be in control, so that they can’t inconvenience your life.”
“Would you rather me have picked just anyone and put myself in the situation I was in far sooner than the one I was in the other night, or would you rather me wait until it’s too late and then be miserable my entire life?” I retorted.
“No, I want you to take a chance on someone you know nothing about and put the effort into getting to know them while you’re dating them. I want you to go into a potential relationship for the adventure, the good and the bad, to see if you make a good team. It isn’t about a happily ever after. It’s about who you’re sharing your life with. If things go wrong, you want the person you can trust by your side, not some safe bet or some half-baked sure thing. You want to have it all with that person but to do that, you need to take a risk.”
I remained quiet for a while after Riley had concluded her rant. The two of us remained fairly quiet for a long moment, before I finally spoke, “Okay, so, I can see your point. Maybe I have lived my life a little guarded.”
“More like Fort Knox,” Riley interjected.
“I’m agreeing with you, kinda…So, don’t ruin it,” I hissed, causing Riley to chuckle.
“Sorry,” she replied quickly.
I grinned as it dawned on me, much to my surprise that I had indeed been wrong about Riley. She was giving extremely mature advice. Despite the fact that I would take it to my grave before actually admitting it, I knew she was right. I had never admitted it to myself before but hearing Riley’s observation introduced me to a new perspective.
While I still wasn’t sure if Collin was the man that I should be trying out this new revelation on, it was something that I wish I had known earlier.
“Thanks, Riley. You always know how to tell me exactly what I don’t want to hear,” I teased.
“What are best friends for?” She giggled, “Now, go kick some ass. Poor Collin won’t know what hit him.”
“Yeah, I’m sure,” I mused.
Poor Collin… I thought. Yeah, right!
It was then that I fully admitted to myself that I was nervous, not only because of my newfound epiphany but also because of who I was possibly going on a date with. I quickly concluded that I would be a lot more comfortable if I didn’t find him so damn attractive.
Yet, I did find him attractive and as it seemed apparent that Collin wasn’t going away any time soon, so, whether I wanted it to or not, I figured I should go down and see what he wanted.
Maybe I should also take Riley’s advice and try to have a little fun; after all, deep down inside, I couldn’t deny the interest in getting to know this man.
Chapter 6: Collin
The day seemed to drag on forever, as I waited for an appropriate time to go to Flora’s dorm building. I wanted to try to catch her outside, since I felt creepy walking into the dorm itself, uninvited.
I had tried to wait as long as I possibly could, and Gavin laughed at me every time he watched me look at my phone to check the time.
I didn’t know why I felt the way I did. Even though there seemed to be countless things that attracted me to her, I couldn’t imagine why I was so spellbound by her.
I still left obnoxiously early and when I approached the building where I knew Flora’s dorm was located, I found myself growing strangely nervous. I
swallowed hard as I contemplated what to do next. Staring up at the dorm, I drew in a deep breath, hoping it would be able to calm my nerves. I hadn’t felt like this around a girl since I was in high school.
Even at that, I had gotten my stride quick. Throughout college, I had never even bothered with most women I was actually attracted to, so I never had to really worry about this. Usually, the one-night stand was enough for us both and she would go on her way just as quick as I would go on mine.
However, the thought that Flora had put me in the rear-view already scared me. I didn’t want it to be over between us. It had hardly begun.
This was an odd sensation; one of many I had lately that I would rather not have to deal with.
Still, for as attracted as I was to her, it didn’t add up that I was so devastatingly riddled with genuine fear.
I wasn’t quite sure why I felt this way and I was getting annoyed with my general lack of confidence. After all, before Flora, striking out simply meant having another try. There were no hard feelings and certainly no lingering, haunting thoughts but this girl had changed all. I hadn’t asked for this and I didn’t particularly want it, considering all the aggravation this whole situation had already been for me.
Realizing this, I wanted to give up. I wanted to just throw in the towel and return to my dorm. After all, it was a stupid idea to come here. This decision didn’t do anything to support my cause. It just made me look crazy and desperate and after everything Flora had been through, I think that was probably the worst thing for me to be.
I certainly didn’t want to scare her, or anyone else for that matter, but I would be fooling myself to think that eventually, someone wasn’t going to call campus police on me, if I didn’t get out of here soon.
So, once I had convinced myself of that, I decided it was probably best for me to leave. I turned around but heard a door open behind me.
“Hey,” a familiar voice called, “Collin, where’re you going?”