by Mia Ford
I don’t want to attribute it to Zane coming back, I really don’t ever want to put that much power in his hands, but his return has highlighted a lot of things about my life that I really don’t want to consider. Everything that everyone’s told me is the truth. Patrick is a nice guy, a really nice guy, but he isn’t the one for me. The image of us married with kids won’t ever happen because I will end up growing resentful before then. He’s the perfect guy for someone, that image is wonderful for someone else, it just isn’t me. It’s never going to be me.
I hang my head low as that realization hits me. Now that I know me and Patrick aren’t ever going to work, I need to tell him. I won’t be able to be fake around him, it isn’t fair on either of us. I really didn’t plan to come here tonight and break up with Patrick, we’re supposed to be getting the spark back…
But the spark hasn’t ever been there, so how can I get it back? The short answer is I can’t.
Shit, I think with a sad shake of my head. What the fuck am I going to do now?
A tear leaks out of my eye as I realize that this is the end of an era. Just because I know now that my relationship with Patrick is tainted and pretty much over, that doesn’t mean it isn’t sad. I’m saying goodbye to a lot of things, the life that I thought I was going to have, and I’m going to have to hurt Patrick too. He isn’t going to be expecting this and it’s going to suck. I squeeze my eyes shut just trying to prepare myself for how gutted he’ll be.
This is horrible, he doesn’t deserve this. Why has this had to happen? I can’t even blame anything really, because I know this would have happened eventually. I suppose it’s better that it’s only six months in rather than six years when we’re married with a couple of kids running around our feet.
I take one deep breath, then I push the door open and I face what I really don’t want to.
“Patrick,” I say, wanting to get it done quickly. “I don’t know if this is going to work.”
“What, tonight?” He purses his lips thoughtfully. “You might be right. It’s going to mess up the routine.”
Yep, much as this sucks I am definitely doing the right thing! I don’t think I can live to a schedule again.
“No, I don’t just mean tonight. I mean us.”
I wait for the penny to drop. It takes a couple of seconds, but his face eventually contorts into one of sheer agony. “What are you talking about, Leah? You cannot actually be serious. You mean us?”
I nod sadly, allowing the tears to continue falling. “I’m sorry, Patrick, but I think we’re done.”
“Because of what just happened then on the couch? That’s no reason to throw away six months.”
“No, it isn’t just because of that.” How do I speak about this? How do I make him understand? “It’s because we aren’t compatible. We don’t really have anything in common, we don’t shar any interests.”
“We share the gym,” he jumps in desperately. “You have your membership…”
“I’m never going to use that membership, Patrick, that’s the point. I don’t like the gym. I don’t want to sit around watching TV, I want to have adventures, I want to do something fun. I want to…” I don’t know how to finish that sentence because I don’t know what I want. “I don’t know, but it isn’t this.”
“I… I don’t know what to say,” Patrick gushes. “I don’t know how to make this right.”
“It isn’t you,” I reassure him. “You’re wonderful. You have been wonderful. I just can’t see us going the distance. I think once we’re this far in, we should start looking to the future and I can’t see it.”
“It’s not you, it’s me,” he says this cliché as if this is what I mean. “I see. So, there’s no coming back from this? There isn’t anything that I can do to change your mind?”
I wait for a moment, almost as if I want him to fight, to see if there is a spark there, but he doesn’t. He accepts that it’s over so readily that it confirms to me that we’re done. Me and Patrick are comfortable around one another but that doesn’t make us compatible. That doesn’t mean we have the chemistry needed to make things last. I have a feeling that if we were ever to come across any hardships, me and Patrick would fall apart. We don’t have that bond.
“No, Patrick,” I tell him with a sad smile. “I have had a wonderful time with you, but our journey ends here. It’s time for us to go our separate ways.”
I don’t like myself as those words come out my mouth, I feel bad, but it has to be for the best. It has to be.
Chapter Twenty – Zane
“So, here are the keys,” William, the realtor that I’ve been dealing with declares as he hands them to me. “All the paper work is done now, so the place is officially yours. I hope you have a lot of luck here.”
I scan my eyes over the small inside area of the building, which will become the office, the large garage outside which will become the storage place for the bikes that I’m working on, and the land which I’ll use to work, with a proud smile on my face. This building is absolutely perfect for me, I’m so lucky to have it. It’s near enough to the town if I need anything and for people to pass by, but it’s also pretty remote too so it things are noisy it won’t matter. I’m a real lucky son of a bitch. Well, it isn’t just luck, I’ve worked hard too. I’ve put in a lot to get here.
I’m hoping that it won’t take me long to build up a reputation too, people will travel from everywhere to get their bikes kitted out by the right person. I’m pretty sure that I have the skills and connections too, I know it’ll be fine. My parents might hate it, I won’t be living to their expectations, but I’ll be happy and that’s the main thing. I don’t care so much about the money, I’ve seen the life that brings with it. I’d much rather smile all the time.
“Thank you very much, William, I’m very excited about this. I hope it does really well.”
We say our goodbyes and he leaves the building, leaving me alone with everything that is now mine. I fist pump the air in excitement, so fucking proud of myself. All the odds have always been stacked against me and I’ve defied every single one of them. I’m going to turn this into a very comfortable living for myself.
With a happy smile, I bound up the stairs to take a look at my apartment too. I have seen it before, but that’s before it was officially mine. Now it belongs to me and I get to really live here. I’ve been bumming around for a few days, couch surfing whenever I can just to avoid going home, but no more. Now, I’m a home owner!
I open the door straight into the small living room slash kitchen, I glance to the left to see the door to the bedroom, then to the right to see the bathroom, and I fist pump the air again. It isn’t much space, but it’s my own. I can decorate it as I like, I can do whatever the hell I want within it. I can have parties… well, maybe not that because there isn’t enough room, but I can play loud music, I can play video games until two AM without anyone breathing down my neck or the fear of college courses in the morning. Or I can just get a sensible night of sleep because I’m a damn adult and I have work in the morning, but whatever. I can do what I want.
I yank my cell phone out my pocket and I call Brandon. He needs to see this now. I haven’t told him anything as yet because I wanted to have it all in place now, but I do now. It’s time.
“Hey there, Zane. How’s it going, buddy? I’ve just got out of work thank God.”
“Oh, well that’s perfect timing. I need you to come and see me. Like, right now.”
“Where are you today?” He’s well aware of my situation and he has offered me a room at his house but I don’t want to be around him and Leah while I’m weak like this. I want them to know me as strong.
“You know the old scrap metal place on the outskirts of town? I want you to meet me there.”
He pauses for a little too long. “Please tell me you aren’t squatting because you have a room here…”
I can’t help but laugh at that. I don’t know why he’s so worried about me. I always land on my feet.
“No, no, not at all. It actually belongs to me now.” I pat my business plan with pride. “Just come on over and you’ll see.”
“You own a scrap metal place? What the hell, Zane? What are you doing? Have you gone mad?”
“No! Honestly, just trust me. You’re going to have to come over and see for yourself.”
“I’m worried now. I think I’m going to have to call your parents…”
I know that he’s joking, but it’s still too much. I can’t even thinking about my mom or my dad coming to this place. They’ll tear it down from this inside out. I don’t want my good mood spoiled, I want to keep buzzing and flying high like I am right now. “No,” I snap. “Don’t you dare. Just come alone now.”
“Oh God, you aren’t going to murder me, are you?” he teases. “This isn’t going to be one of those things that you hear about on the news where the friend has a secret murderous plan in some abandoned place.”
“Yeah, it is. You caught me out. Damn, what a shame.” I chuckle. “But I’ll put the knife away and I promise to behave. I’ll kill you on another occasion when you aren’t as suspecting.”
“Fine, whatever. I’ll come. At least now I know you won’t kill me. This time.”
“Great, I’ll be expecting you shortly then. Knife is gone now, I promise.”
He doesn’t sound sure, but eventually he agrees with me that he’ll come and visit. Once he says that he’s going to come over, I smile to myself. It’s time to get some of my stuff inside. I have it all boxed up in the yard and I need to find places for it all. If it’ll fit. I mean, I don’t have a lot of stuff but I really don’t have much room either. I can’t wait until it looks a little more homely, a little more mine.
***
“So, you’re going to run a custom bike shop?” Brandon asks me again. “Like, really? I mean, I know that you always said you wanted to do something like that, but I thought that your education had changed things…”
Urgh, I don’t want to think about my medical training. I know that I’m throwing it away, but it’s for the best. I wouldn’t ever be happy doing that. It wouldn’t be me. Maybe I’ll find some way to incorporate it into my life somehow, but for now all I want to do is this. This is my dream come true. It’s everything to me.
“I know, but this is what I want. I did all of that for my dad, and now I want to do this for me.”
Brandon looks stunned, but he eventually manages to transform his expression into something that looks more like happy. “Well, that’s great news. You should always do what makes you happy.”
I reach into the fridge and grab him a beer. That’s the first thing I brought to be fair, food can come later.
“Here, have a drink with me. I need to celebrate.” I feel like I still need to reassure him a little bit. “Honestly, Brandon, this is the happiest that I’ve ever been and I know that I can make a success of it. Trust me.”
He nods and finally caves to what I’m telling him. “Yeah, okay fair enough. If you say that you’re happy then I believe you. And I know that you’re smart enough to do what’s right. Your business plan looks good. And hey, if you ever need a lawyer, not that I hope you do, I will be your guy.” He clinks he bottle against mine and smiles.
“Oh of course, you’re going to be the hottest lawyer in town. I wouldn’t go with anyone else.”
We both take a swig of our beers before Brandon speaks again. “This will be a great little shag pad too, won’t it? For when you have a string of women to bring back here. Since there are so many who still want you.”
I feel like he’s digging in deep, but I won’t rise to it. “I don’t really think I’m going to treat this place like that,” I confess. “It’s above my place of business, and I’m not even like that so much anymore. I want to be better, you know? I want to search for something a little more. Maybe like what you and Jenny have.”
I hope this makes him see that if me and Leah ever do end up together, that she isn’t just a fling. I’ve held a candle for her for five damn years. If we ever make it official I won’t screw it up. I refuse to.
“Wow, I never thought that I would see the day! I assumed that you’d be fifty when you finally picked a twenty year old wife, a bit like Hugh Hefner, you know. With your own Playboy mansion.”
Maybe, once upon a time, that’s what I wanted for myself too, but I don’t see any fun in having a stream of meaningless sex anymore. It isn’t deep. It’s just carnal and I’m not an animal anymore.
“You know what? We should go out and celebrate. Not just drinking, we should go out and have a meal.” I nudge Brandon in the side. “You should invite Jenny too, I want to get to know her a bit better.”
Brandon’s eyes light up as he sees me making an effort, but then he seems to realize something. “Oh, but it can’t be just the three of us. That might get awkward. I should invite someone else too. Maybe Leah, since she’s just broken up with Patrick. It might do her good to get out and enjoy herself.”
My heart lifts as I hear Brandon’s words. Leah has broken up with her boyfriend, the one that she was so insistent was the one for her. That has to be because of me. The temptation to bring her with us so I can secretly flirt with her dangerously, under Brandon’s nose when he’s just told me not to go anywhere near her, is almost overwhelming. But, if I want this to be more serious than a fling then I need to step back for a while. I need to take some time for her to get over her last relationship properly before she comes to me. It’ll be hard to keep away from her, but it’s the right thing to do. Also, this might throw Brandon off the scent.
“Oh, that’s a shame,” I reply innocently. “Especially when you thought that they were so happy, but I honestly don’t mind it just being the three of us. It’ll be nice to just have a chilled out night.”
He gives me a little bit of a suspicious look before he nods and finally agrees with my plan for the evening. “Yeah, okay. Let’s do that then. I’ll call Jenny now, see if she’s free to come out with us.”
As he stands to make his call in private, I lean back on my chair and smile to myself. In the background of everything that’s happening here, my love life is sorting itself out too which is wonderful. I’m not a home wrecker, I wouldn’t have interfered at all if I genuinely thought that Leah was happy with Patrick, but it was immediately obvious that he didn’t excite her. She’s a woman that needs thrilling, she needs someone to unleash that spark within her. I hope that person is me, but even if not, I think she’ll be glad in the end.
Really, all I want is to make Leah happy in whatever way that I can. This is the first step to the rest of her life, I hope this shows her what she doesn’t want so she can start working on what she wants.
Chapter Twenty One – Leah
I roll my neck, trying to get the strain out of it as I sit uncomfortably in my office chair. Sometimes, I don’t know what I’m doing here in this place, working for an office supplies company isn’t really for me, but it’s an easy job and it pays well. I haven’t ever delved too much into it, but now I’m starting to think that just like Patrick, it doesn’t challenge me. I guess ever since high school I haven’t done anything to really push myself and that’s made me kind of lazy. I know that I want to make changes, but I don’t know where to begin.
“I just heard,” Gloria, the girl with all the gossip, leans across to me and whispers. “That Helen is leaving. She’s off to do a college course online so she can start to be a teacher. How crazy is that?”
I mean, that isn’t the craziest thing that I’ve ever heard, but that’s just how Gloria is. She acts like everything is a huge deal. She’s the sort of person who will work here forever. I guess I didn’t ever put myself in that category but now I know that if I don’t do something soon, then that’s exactly where I’m going to end up.
“Oh, well that’s good news. She’s trying to make something of her life. Good on her.”
“Well, I heard,” Gloria isn’t ready to give up just yet. “That it’s all for a f
ella. She wants to impress a guy.”
I sigh loudly, suddenly realizing what this is about. She must have heard through the grape vine that I’ve spilt up with Patrick, just because things don’t ever remain a secret in a place like this, and she wants to know more. There’s no way in hell that I’m going to give anything away. I certainly don’t want to trash talk my ex boyfriend because he didn’t do anything wrong, I just want to be able to move on, that’s all. I want to get my head down and concentrate on moving forwards. Me and Patrick have pretty much had a clean break, we’ve hardly had any communication at all other than to get our stuff from each other, and that’s the way I like it.
“Oh right, well she can do what she wants for a guy, can’t she?” I shrug blandly. “Isn’t it up to her?”
“Why, what’s the weirdest thing that you’ve ever done for a guy? You must have been wild for Patrick. He’s hot. I can imagine that girls throw themselves at him all the time. How do you keep him?”
Urgh, God, she’s a nightmare. She doesn’t intend to let this go any time soon. The thing is, she’s right about Patrick, he is a gorgeous man, he will be with someone soon enough, I don’t have to worry. But then I didn’t want him enough to do anything wild for him and that tells me everything. There’s only one man I’d be nuts for. Not that I’ve seen much of Zane either, well I haven’t seen him at all since that weird morning which is just how I want it. I don’t want to be tempted by him. I don’t want to jump from relationship to… well, whatever it would be with Zane. He might have been the catalyst, but I need some time alone to get my head straight first. I need to get used to being alone first, I need to get reacquainted with me. It’s been a while, I think.
I miss Zane, there’s no denying that. I miss him more than I do Patrick, but I’m okay with waiting. Maybe in the end, it won’t even happen, who knows. At least I’m moving in the right direction in other ways.
“I don’t know, Gloria, and to be honest, I don’t want to talk about it. I have a report that needs to be in by the end of the day and I need to just get my head down.” That’s a lie and I also don’t usually act in such a rude way with anyone before, but I need her to shut the hell up. She’s driving me insane. “Thank you very much.”