by Mia Ford
I need him to go. That thought hits me hard and like a thump in the face. All day long I’ve wanted him here, but the person I’ve wanted is my Brandon. The sweet guy who comes to watch me play, who helps me in the hospital, who comes to visit the lake with me. This cold version of him sucks. I don’t like it one bit. I need him to leave.
I decide to keep my lips shut. Maybe I don’t want to talk now either. I’m not the sort of girl who will take his bullshit lying down. If he wants to act like an asshole then let him. I don’t have to try and be all sweet to win him around. I’d like to be nice to him, to make him feel good, but not if I won’t get anything back.
I fix my eyes downwards and concentrate only on eating. Once I’ve consumed all that I want to, I jump out of my seat to grab a sweater to throw on over the top. I’m not about to make myself freeze just for someone who doesn’t even care.
“I suppose you’ll want to get back then?” I ask him in an icy tone that matches his. “I don’t want to stress you out anymore than you already are.”
His face tightens. “Don’t be like that,” he shoots back. “It isn’t that way at all. Like I said, I’ve just had a stressful day.” When I don’t say anything, he continues. “Look, I know that I’m useless tonight. I’m just dealing with a lot of stuff. None of it is your fault.”
“I’m dealing with stuff too.” I point towards my father’s home. “But you don’t see me taking it out on you.”
“No, I don’t.” He offers me a one shouldered shrug. “But clearly you’re a much better person than me.” I roll my eyes and turn away from him. “Look,” his tone becomes calmer, as if he’s dealing with a hysterical person rather than just an upset one. “I don’t want to be a dick, but I suppose we both need to think about this coming to an end soon. It isn’t going to be easy, but soon we’ll both be back to our real lives and all of this will have to end.”
My mouth runs dry with nerves, although I’m pissed off I know that it’s now or never. I have to say something or I’ll regret it forever.
“Does it?” I say softly. “Does it have to end?”
“I mean… yeah. It does, doesn’t it?” He gives me a hesitant look which suggests I might just be about to get through to him.
“No, it doesn’t.” I step close enough to him so we’re almost touching, but not quite. It’s an electrifying sensation that’s highlighted by how tense this is. “We could make it work with a bit of effort. I could come and see you, you could come to me, we could talk on the phone, text, we could… I don’t know. It isn’t that long distance, it isn’t worse than other people have done.” I take his hands in mine, breaking through the walls he’s put around himself. “We could just be together, if we both want it enough. It isn’t impossible.”
Please say yes, please want this as much as I do…
Chapter 14 – Brandon
I’ll admit it, she has me shell shocked. Her words, her promise of a future where I could actually make it work with the first girl who’s ever captured my attention is too much. I know it wouldn’t be simple, but I also know that it’s possible. I could work less, I could make the journey back and forth whenever I can to see Lola, and she can always come to see me. Yes, it’ll cost a lot but what’s money when it comes to love?
I can feel myself getting misty eyed as I think about how with a bit of effort we could really make this happen. I could actually just fall in love…
But then my dad’s face comes into mind and I imagine how scathing he’ll be if I tell him that I want to make a long distance relationship work. He won’t be impressed when I keep letting him down on projects because I want to see Lola. He’ll give me crap all the time, I’ll never hear the end of it. He’ll start pushing me back in the company because he knows that I won’t be fully focused. This is a classic case of love verses career and I don’t know what to do. I know my father made mistakes when he picked career, but I can’t exactly do nothing.
“I don’t know.” I snatch my hands away and run one of them through my hair. The stress is back, rolling through my shoulders and neck, making me feel sick. I should have stayed in tonight. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, do you?”
“Well… why not?” All the color drains from her face while she waits for me to answer.
“Because that was never in the plan, was it? We never went into this as a long term thing. It was going to be fun for the both of us, just while I’m here. Then we go our separate ways, no questions asked.” I wave my hands around a little manically as I talk.
“We never discussed that,” she says with a head shake. “And things can change anyway, can’t they? We can develop feelings for one another.”
She has feelings for me. I don’t need to question that, I can see it written all over her face. I have feelings for her too, but that doesn’t make any of this less complicated. This is a mess.
“I don’t know about that,” I reply in a hollow sounding voice. I gulp, I can barely think right now. “I don’t know about any of it.”
“You don’t know if you have feelings for me?” Lola falls backwards, looking incredibly hurt. “I see, I didn’t realize. I just thought… with all the nice stuff that you’ve been doing for me… I thought that we were on the same page…”
I shake my head, but not because I disagree with her, because I can’t believe this is happening. I knew I shouldn’t come out, I could feel it, but I got sucked in because of Lola’s sweetness anyway. I got dragged along by her and now we’re stuck in this awful row.
“I don’t know what page you’re on, and I don’t know what page I’m on either. This is all just too much. You’ve thrown this at me without me being prepared at all. I don’t know how you expect me to react.”
Lola’s cheeks turn a funny shade of red and I can see that I’ve pushed her too far. “I’m pressuring you now? I thought that we were just having an adult conversation about things. I didn’t realize this was the sort of thing where I cannot say how I feel.”
I roll my eyes. The fire is back, but now I can’t be dealing with it. I just want something in my life to be easy. “It isn’t that. Don’t be that way, Lola…”
“I think you should leave.” She steps back even further away from me and indicates towards the door. “You didn’t want to come tonight anyway, so why don’t you just leave.”
I part my lips, desperately wanting to say all kinds of different things but nothing comes out. Maybe this is the best way. I don’t want to end a magical few months with an argument, but I suppose it creates a clean break. It’ll certainly be much simpler than trying to navigate a long distance relationship that’s doomed from the start.
“Fine, I will go. If that’s what you want, Lola, that’s what you’ll get.”
I gather myself up and head away from her. I try to keep my eyes fixed forwards as I move so I only think of the future and not the present that’s very quickly edging towards becoming my past, but at the last moment I can’t resist turning just to check. Her wide eyes are filled with sadness and tears, I can see that as soon as I walk out of here, she’ll fall apart which I feel horrible for… but how can I make this any easier? We both knew when we got into this that it would end this way. All we had to do was keep feelings out of it.
It’s safe to say that we failed.
Goodbye, Lola, I think in my head as I pull away from her. I know I should probably say those words aloud, but I just can’t find the ability to do so. I don’t want to make this any more painful than it already is. From this moment on, we will never see each other again.
We can’t. I have to keep strong. I have to leave this town as soon as I can and I can’t get dragged back in. Now that I’ve decided that this is the end, it can’t be anything else. We both have to move on, we both need to get back to real life, it’s the only option we have.
“Just go,” she spits out to my back, seemingly sensing the same thing as me. “Go and don’t come back. This is done here, we’re finished.”
***
I rub my sleepy eyes as I shove the rest of my stuff in my suitcase. After a night of tossing and turning and absolutely no sleep at all, I only know one thing. I need to get out of here now. I cannot spend another minute in this damn place. I just can’t do it. I’ll pop in to the building site on my way home and leave to make sure everything is under control, but I’m pretty sure that Hank has it much better than me anyway.
Have I got everything? I ask myself desperately as I look around the motel room. I’ll be glad to put this horrible room behind me forever. Am I ready to go?
Maybe I should go to Lola’s house to say a proper goodbye to her so we don’t have to end on a sour note, but I know that I’m weak, I know I’ll get sucked back in without much effort. This sucks, but it’s the way that it has to be. Even the thought of her face in my sleepy mind makes me feel a bit dizzy and sick. I just want to hold her, I want to wrap my arms around her and claim her as my own forever more, but I can’t give her false hope. I can’t delve into this feet first, especially when it can’t become something real.
I fiddle with my car keys in my pocket as I finish checking the place, waiting for my escape, then with a deep sigh I leave it all behind. I step out into the cool, fresh morning air and I slam the door behind me with a loud bang. It’s not a relieving sensation, but it’s what I have to do. The mixed up feeling that races through my body continues as I make my way to the reception desk and I check out, then it carries on as I get into the car.
I don’t look behind me as I pull away, I don’t even glance in the rear view mirror. I also make sure that I take the long way around so I don’t pass Lola’s home. There’s that familiar pull in my chest drawing me in, but today I’m strong enough not to follow through.
I’m picking my career over love.
Yes, okay so I know that there’s a chance that I might regret it at some point, but I have all my life to fall in love. I don’t think that Lola will be the only one for me, I don’t think that I’ll only fall in love once. I can use this as a learning curve to make it better in the future. She will just be a memory in my mind, a lovely few months, and I hope that once the hurt has passed for her, she will see me the same way.
I turn the music up as I get towards the building site because I’m trying to block out all of my emotions. I don’t want to think about Lola now, I just want to get this done. As I pull the car to a halt, I can see Hank and Archie already there which is good. I can get this done with just those two so there isn’t any unnecessary drama. I get that big fake smile on my face and I step out to greet them.
“Hey, boss.” Hank looks shocked to see me. “You’re in early, is there anything wrong?”
“Oh no, no not really.” I shake my head and wonder why I didn’t plan what I was going to say earlier. “It’s not that at all. It’s just… well the project is almost finished now and I have something that I need to get back home for. Do you think you can get the last few things done without me?”
Hank gives me an apologetic look, it’s almost like he can see that everything has fallen apart with my love life. I want to hold my head high and to give him a defiant look, but I can’t. My eyes fall downwards and I look at my feet instead.
“Sure, boss, me and Archie can take control of everything. I don’t think it’ll be more than an extra week anyway. Probably a lot less. I can keep you updated via email if that’s what you want?”
“Perfect. Thank you.”
“And, erm… what about the other project?” It takes me a few moments to realize what he’s talking about, but when I remember the lake, recognition flickers across my face. “After our little chat yesterday, we started it. We’re just going to get it as close to how it once was… if that’s what you still want.”
Maybe that’s a good idea. It’ll give Lola somewhere to go if she wants to remember me and her in a positive light. What we had on that day when we went to the lake was magical, made even better by the fact that she opened up to me in the most incredible way. She revealed parts of herself to me that I don’t know if many other people will get.
I would like to think of her standing there, when times get tough, just remembering.
“Yes,” I rasp back. “Please carry on with it. Like I said I will pay you well.”
“Okay, that’s great, boss. Will do.”
Once we’ve embraced and said our goodbyes, I hop back into the car with all kinds of thoughts racing through my mind. I’m hoping that the nearer I get to the city, the clearer my brain will become. The positive for me is that I can get some separation from all of this. I can go away and back to my real life. I hope Lola somehow manages to overcome it well. Somehow.
I can’t look back now, I just have to go. I’ve made my bed and I need to just lie in it.
Chapter 15 – Lola
“How are you doing, sweetheart?” my dad asks me with sympathy in his eyes. He reaches out to touch my arm as he gazes at me. “You look a bit… I don’t know, sad.”
“I’m fine,” I lie, despite the fact that I’ve been really sad for over a week now. I don’t want to upset him since he’s still quite frail. “How are you doing?”
“Oh you know me.” He smiles through the pain. “I’m used to it, I’ll keep on going.” He cocks his head and examines me closely. “But what’s going on with you? I know that you’ve just said nothing but I really don’t believe you. I know you better than that.”
I can’t even make myself smile. I know I probably should, to reassure him, but I’m too physically and emotionally exhausted to fake it. “I’ll be fine too. I’m resilient like you.”
I move into the kitchen to make a hot drink for me and Dad. I feel like we both could use some caffeine right now. I flick it on and watch it boil, all while my mind is reeling at a million miles an hour. At the moment, I’m the lowest that I’ve ever been. I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy again. To anyone else, that might sound dramatic but to me it feels impossible. Everywhere I look I see a reminder of the man I fell in love with, the man I offered myself to on a plate, and the man that I wasn’t good enough for. Even when we argued I didn’t mean what I said. I certainly didn’t think he’d skip town without saying goodbye.
No, I think as a tear streams down my cheek. I can’t think about him now. He’s gone and it’s just me and Dad left. I have to be here for him.
I take a deep sigh once the drinks are made and I try to keep some strength in myself. Then I finally brave, heading back into the living room to face my perceptive father again.
“I have a coffee for you here.” I put it down in front of him but he doesn’t immediately take it. “I hope that’s okay for you? I can make tea if you’d prefer.”
“No, no, coffee is fine.” He stares at me intently as if he’s trying to read me. I shift uncomfortably under his gaze. “Lola, can I ask you something?”
No, please don’t! Leave me alone, leave me to my misery, I think as I take a big sip of my drink. “Sure,” I say aloud.
“What happened to the long distance man?”
Oh God. My heart falls. I can feel the tears burning behind my eyes once more. I have spent far too long crying over this man, I don’t want to do it again. “He’s gone,” I rasp thickly. I want that to be the end of it, but of course it isn’t.
“Gone where?” Dad leans forward as if he wants to get closer to me.
“He’s gone home. He went back to the city and that’s the end of it.”
“How do you know that’s the end? Like I said, me and your mother managed to make it work. It wasn’t easy, but we did it.”
The tears fall, I can’t stop them anymore. “The difference is that you both wanted it to happen.” I brush the wetness away angrily. “I can’t change the way he feels so that’s that.”
It is what it is… urgh, I hate that God damn saying.
Dad slumps back in his chair looking defeated. I hate to see that disappointed look on his face, but at least he knows now. He knows that me and Brandon are done and ther
e isn’t any coming back from it. My heart might be shattered into a million pieces in my chest but there isn’t anything that can put it back together. There’s no hope, it’s done.
“He left without saying goodbye.” I put the final nail in the coffin. “We argued when I suggested that we do the long distance thing and the following morning he was gone.”
“But you both seemed to make each other so happy. I don’t understand it.”
“No.” I stand up, unable to deal with this for another second longer. “I don’t understand it either, but there you go. His life in the city, his career, everything must be more important than me.”
I want to make a comment about being left behind again, just like I was when it came to Rory, but I don’t. I don’t want him to blame himself for holding me back, just like Mom would have done if she’d known. It isn’t their fault, I’m the one who wants to remain behind to help them. It’s all on me.
“Well I must have been wrong then,” Dad says with a shake of his head. “I’m sorry. I thought I saw something there, that’s all.”
A thick ball of emotion lodges in my throat, which makes me feel like I might vomit at any time. I can hardly breathe, it’s horrible, I don’t know what to do. “Well, you didn’t.”
I take my mug into the kitchen and toss the rest of my drink down the sink because I can’t stand to drink it. I lean over the sink and gasp desperately as the emotion washes over me in powerful waves. It feels like everything is closing in on me, that the world is crushing me. I need air, I need space, I need to be by myself.
“I’m going out,” I gasp loudly to Dad. “I just need to… to head to the shops. I’ll be back soon, okay?”