by Mia Ford
“Are you okay? Have I said something to upset you?” he calls after me. “I’m sorry, Lola…”
But I close the door behind me so he can’t hear me cry. Then I move my feet rapidly, I don’t have a direction in mind, I just keep on going until I’m far, far away.
***
“Oh my God,” I mutter in sheer shock as I stumble across the place I never intended to go, but at the same time was where my footsteps have been taking me ever since I first left the house. “What the hell…?”
It’s the lake, my lake, the lake I always went to with my mother. The place I came to with Brandon on that one truly wonderful day we shared together, back when we were trapped in a bubble of happiness, when it felt like anything could happen. Even then I was aware that things would eventually come to an end, but it felt like it was so far away that I would have to ever deal with it really.
This is the lake I shared with my mom. Well, sort of. As I move my feet and I wander around the place I think it might be even better. Someone has been here making vast improvements, cleaning up the water, planting flowers, and building a small archway nearby. Instead of looking like a run down place where old memories have come to die, it looks so pretty that new memories could be created. I can even imagine weddings and other lovely parties happening here. It’s all too much.
“Ah.” A voice rings out from behind me, making me jump. “So, you’re the young lady.”
I spin to see one of the older gentlemen from the town standing behind me, looking at me like we know one another. He isn’t one of the ones who comes to my shows regularly, but I would’ve definitely seen him. “Erm, sorry?” I ask awkwardly.
He moves deliberately towards me with heavy steps. “You’re the one who captured the heart of my boss?”
“Oh.” It suddenly hits me. He must be one of the builders who worked for Brandon. How typical that I would be here completely by accident, trying to work things out, and someone connected to him would be here. “I see.”
“I knew it was a girl from the town, and someone who’s father was sick, but I guess I didn’t connect the dots.”
"You know all that?” I guess I’m shocked because I didn’t think Brandon would ever talk about me much. Especially when it seems that everything we shared has been so easy to discard. “Did Brandon tell you or do you know my dad well?”
“I know your dad well enough.” He stares over at the water. “Or I did. Back before he got sick he was the life and soul of the party. Always good fun. But yes, it was Brandon that told us all about you. He has a thing for you that boy.”
I growl angrily. “That’s not true,” I shoot back. “He didn’t care for me at all. We just… shared some time together and now he’s gone.”
“Then why did he do all of this for you?” He makes a sweeping gesture with his hand as he indicates around. “A man doesn’t do something like this unless he’s in love.”
The L word makes my chest constrict painfully. It’s something that I’ve been trying to ignore, something that I’ve been trying to push back down because I allowed myself to become so convinced that’s how I’ve been feeling.
“Yeah well, he also paid my dad’s hospital bills, but then he ran off without saying goodbye,” I reply bitterly. “Who knows why he does what he does. Maybe he just likes flashing the cash. It probably doesn’t mean anything.”
“I suppose you could be right, but I never saw him that way. I think he just got scared if I’m honest. Men don’t cave to commitment that easily, it takes them a while to decide that it’s for them.”
Maybe I would believe that if I didn’t know about Mom and Dad’s story. He knew that she was the one and he just went for it. It didn’t matter to him how hard it would be because he knew that he was in love. Again, I’m reminded that I’m not enough for Brandon and I never will be.
“Well, I’m not going to wait around for him to decide that he wants commitment. I want to just move on with my life.” As I glance around I know it’s not going to be easy with this constant reminder here, on top of everything else I have to keep me remembering, but I’m going to have to try. “It’s nice, a good job has been done and I’m sure that many people will enjoy it. But one of them won’t be me.”
“Well that is a shame.” He doesn’t sound shocked or impressed by me. Amused if anything. “Because I know that he would be good to you if you’d just give him a chance.”
“No way. I’m done,” I speak firmly. “I have too much else to worry about. I have the farm, my dad, my music… that’s all I need. Brandon and the rest of it, that can all just be gone. I’m done with it all.”
Done with love, that’s what I am. It brings along nothing but trouble. Men bring drama, and love brings broken hearts. I was doing just fine without all of that before and I can get back to that again.
“I have to go.” The man doesn’t answer me so I move anyway. Clearly he thinks our conversation is over anyway. “Goodbye.”
As I leave the lake I’m even more confused than before. Why would Brandon do something that seems so caring when he clearly doesn’t care? What the hell is the point? Maybe it is a money thing, or maybe he enjoys keeping women hanging on. Well he won’t have me. At least now there’s a strength inside of me, a determination that I won’t be caught in his trap for any longer.
I won’t cry another damn tear for Brandon Heath-Smith. It’s time for me to move on.
Chapter 16 – Brandon
One year later…
“Son? Are you even listening to me?”
“Oh sorry.” I drag my eyes away from the window and stare at him with a bit of a glassy eyed expression. “I am listening, I just… got distracted for a moment.”
A moment, a year, what does it matter? All that’s really important is that I still, after making the choice to choose business over love, putting my career first and thinking only of myself, I still don’t think I’ve done the right thing. I assumed that as soon as I got back to my real life, I’d forget all about my brief and magical time with Lola Boots, but somehow I haven’t quite recovered. Somehow, I’m not quite the person who I once was.
“Right, well as a CEO of the company, you can’t just get distracted. I’ve promoted you in good faith and every now and then you seem to be off in your own little world.” He pats me patronizingly on the shoulder. “You’ve worked hard and sacrificed a lot to be here. Don’t put all of that effort to waste now.”
I shake my head and ride my brain of everything that happened in the past. There’s no point in worrying about any of it now, thinking it through won’t get me anywhere. I left Lola in a shitty way, making sure there’s no going back, so there really isn’t any point in worrying about what’s happening there. It’s done. Over. No more.
“I know, I’m sorry. Please, let’s discuss these plans further.”
“At least this time you won’t have to be the one going to some ass end town to renovate it,” Dad chuckles loudly and spitefully. “I know how pissed off you were about that, but now that you’ve done it, you can make sure the next guy does it as well as you. The development you oversaw made a massive difference to that town, we need to do that elsewhere too.”
My heart races as I think about his words. Do I want to ask this? Do I want to know? I can feel my mouth speaking before I even say the next words. “What… what difference?”
“Oh the money we’ve made is amazing. It seems to have opened up the town and brought many more people in. It’s like a hive of activity now.” I can’t imagine Lola’s home being so busy. I don’t know if I like the idea much. “You should go and check it out, you know. See the positive difference that you’ve made. Maybe it’ll help you when you need positivity to keep you going.”
I gulp noisily. It would be so easy. I could go back, by chance, just to check up on the project, and if I saw her then it would just be one of those things… I could see how she’s doing, check that she doesn’t still hate me like I’m the worst person in the world, maybe I c
ould see if she even might still like me… maybe a second time around I won’t pick my career over love. Maybe next time I will make the right choice.
“No,” I rasp with a shake of my head. “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
The idea is nice enough, but what if she does still hate me? Maybe she’s not even seen the lake or maybe she’s mad that I changed it. She’s certainly pissed that I left her. She could have text me, she’s had my number. I haven’t changed it for a year. I left her, I deserted her, and she hasn’t even asked me why. Maybe I don’t deserve her to, but the message is clear.
“Okay, well whatever. That’s up to you.” Dad shrugs and smirks. “It’s going well anyway. Now we need to work on the next project.”
As he spreads the plans out in front of me, and I try to see them for what they can be, my thumping head blurs my vision. I might want to be in the middle of this, I might want to be the man that my father wants me to be, but it doesn’t seem like I am. With every single day that passes, I realize that more and more, but I don’t know what else I can do…
Eventually, thankfully, the meeting comes to an end and I make my way out of my father’s giant office and into my own. When my dad gave me this room it felt like something special, something that made me important, but now I know that it’s just four, meaningless walls. A ceiling, a desk, a computer, all that means nothing.
“Hey there, Boss,” Sandi, the young lady that’s been hired as my personal assistant purrs at me. Her red lips pout out as she forms her words. “How did your meeting go?”
She leans her hands on my desk, giving me a glimpse of her plump, voluptuous breasts. She wants to lure me in to something naughty and taboo. She wants me to start a sordid work place affair with her. In all honesty, once upon a time I definitely would have been up for that. Why wouldn’t I? She’s hot, got a rocking body, lots of fun, perfect for a man like me who doesn’t want to settle down. I know she doesn’t want to either, she’s only in it to help her climb the corporate ladder. That wouldn’t usually make any difference to me.
But now, I don’t want any of it. Now, I just want to be left alone.
“It went okay.” I rub my head hard. “The usual, it’s just given me a terrible headache.”
“Oh yeah? You want me to go and get something for you? I can pop to the drug store?”
“No, don’t worry about it. I’ll get something on the way home.”
“Well, you need to get your head sorted if you’re coming out tonight. It’s the night of the year, isn’t it?” She bangs her hips against my desk and smiles once more. As I glance up at her she winks playfully at me… but I feel nothing. Not even a stirring. She just doesn’t do it for me at all. It’s a shame, I’d like to move on, but I don’t think I can. “You have to be there.”
“Why do I have to be there?” I ask, completely bewildered. “What is it?”
“Oh come on, it’s Franko’s birthday. You know that’s always a crazy night.”
Franko, one of the accountant guys always lets lose on his birthday. He throws a massive party and goes really wild. I know that because I’ve been here forever. I’m usually the one who makes it crazy, but not this year. I don’t want to be a part of any of it. I’m much too tired for any of it. The idea makes me feel a bit queasy.
“How do you know that? You haven’t ever been to one of Franko’s parties,” I chuckle mirthlessly. “But yeah, they are pretty wild. I don’t know if I’ll be there, maybe I’ll try.”
Sandi rolls her eyes at me. “Oh come on, don’t be so boring. It could be a whole lot of fun.” She breaths deeply and lets her eyes go heavy lidded. “You never know what will happen on a night out with work colleagues.” I grab a stack of papers and flick through them at a rapid pace, trying to indicate that the conversation is over, but Sandi doesn’t get the hint. “Would you like to see what I’m going to wear?”
I don’t even answer her. She pulls out her cell phone and scrolls through it until she comes to a picture of a very low cut red sparkly dress. There’s even a slit in the side that will reveal all kinds of thigh. It’s hot, but still not enough to tempt me.
“Very nice. I’m sure you’ll look lovely in it.”
Sandi steps back and she gives me a curious look. “You aren’t anything like your reputation, are you?” Her hands fall onto her hips. “I heard that you were lots of fun… if you know what I mean? Like, I heard that everyone looked to you for an awesome time.”
I sigh loudly and let my head fall into my hands. I don’t want to be having any sort of conversation where I have to think about who I used to be. That version of me is long gone, I don’t know how to get me back. I don’t know if I even want to get that version of me back. I don’t know who I want to be anymore.
“Yeah well, I don’t know what’s happened. All I’m trying to do is to get by in my work…”
“Well that’s boring,” she whines. “I want the fun version of you back.”
“You are my PA,” I reply, maybe a little too firmly. “I just need you to help me get my work done. I don’t want to think about anything outside of the office right now, do you understand?”
I expect her to look hurt by my remarks, but she doesn’t. She simply rolls her eyes again and stalks out of my office to her own desk, her heels clicking nosily the entire way. Once she’s gone I slump back in my chair and I pause thoughtfully. Lola has ruined women for me, and I bet she doesn’t even know it. A few weeks with her and I’m turning down a sure thing with a hot young chick. I bet she isn’t turning down men for me.
But then again, I can’t imagine Lola being a one night stand, flings everywhere kind of girl. If she’s found someone, then he’s probably the one for her. Not just her boyfriend now, but her fiancé. Maybe even her husband. She might even have a round belly by now with a baby inside. Maybe she doesn’t even think of me anymore because I’m nothing more than a distant memory.
I am supposed to be someone awesome and I’ve had that stripped from me. Maybe I shouldn’t be missing Franko’s party because of some woman I met a very long time ago, maybe I need a palate cleanser, someone to have a bit of fun with, and maybe Sandi is the perfect girl for that.
I push myself into a standing position with a determined look on my face. The image of a pregnant Lola with her husband by my side makes my head ache more and my heart hurt. I need to get rid of those feelings, they aren’t helping me at all. I can’t keep succumbing to them over and over again. I need to get back to being me, no matter what it takes.
“You know what.?” I say as I pass Sandi’s desk. “I’m headed home now. I’ll get something for my head from the drug store on the way then I can feel better for tonight.”
“You’re coming to Franko’s party?” Her eagerness almost makes me want to laugh. “Oh my God, that will be amazing. We will have such a great time.”
“Yeah, we will.” My voice is thick with promise. She can take that as she likes. “It’ll be a night we won’t forget.”
Then I leave with positivity filling me. Falling in love didn’t work out for me and I don’t think that being the thing becoming a big business man either. Maybe just being the fun loving party boy is all I’m meant to be. Maybe I’m not supposed to make my dad proud, instead I’m just supposed to spend his money having fun and dulling my emotions. That sounds much better to me anyway. Much better than moping and sitting at home alone, looking at my walls, wondering where it all went so wrong. My life isn’t wrong, I am wrong at the moment. But I can be right again.
Tonight, at Franko’s party, I will be reborn as myself. I cannot wait to see where that will take me.
Chapter 17 – Lola
“Okay, Dad?” I ask him cautiously as I help him sit into the chair. “You feeling okay?”
“Yes,” he lies through his teeth as his butt hits the chair hard. “I think so.”
“The specialist had a lot to say, didn’t she?” I ask desperately. I need him to connect with me, I really need to find out
how he’s been feeling. I didn’t take on the third job at the local store to pay for his treatment just to not get anywhere with him. I need to know what he’s feeling now. “She had some good advice. Don’t you think?”
“I suppose so.” His head falls backwards and his eyes roll to the back of his head. “It’s just hard to take it all on board when I’m in so much pain.”
“Well she gave me a new prescription for you.” I scramble around in the bottom of my bag, trying to locate the piece of paper. “She said this would help with the pain. Do you want me to go and get it for you? I can head out to the drug store right now.”
He nods and lolls his head to one side. I think he must need some sleep. These days het gets really tired very quickly. Everything seems to take it out of him. As I push myself upwards until I’m standing, I glance down at him with nothing but sympathy in my eyes. He doesn’t deserve this, any of it. It isn’t fair. Over the last year everything has slid rapidly downhill and it makes me sick to think about. I feel like I’m losing my father, the only person I really have in my life, and I hate it. It sucks, it kills me.
As I push my way out into the cold air, I suck in a deep breath of air, trying to clear my lungs. My entire focus for the last twelve months has been my dad and I hate the fact that it doesn’t seem to even lead me anywhere. I just want an answer.
I also can’t believe that I’m here… in the city… the one place in the world I never planned to go. If only the specialist had been anywhere else in the world.
“Hey there, miss,” a gentleman outside a bar cat calls to me in a leering tone of voice. “Fancy coming in for a drink?”
A tight knot of stress coils around in my belly at his words. He makes me feel ill. I know I should just walk by and ignore him, but for some reason I can’t. All the pent up aggression that I’ve been feeling ever since I came to this damn place bursts out of me in an explosion. “Is that what you do? You stand outside a bar and try to lure people in?” I spin to stare at him to really drive my point home with a glare. “Is that working for you? Obviously not because you’re still here. Or maybe you’re like every other man and you just scarper when things get even a little real.”