by Mia Ford
“I don’t know. “I shrug a bit helplessly. “I used to think that they would be afterwards, if not before, but now I don’t know. Are you happy with the changes?”
“Oh I don’t know. I don’t get out enough to notice the difference to be honest. I’m sure the businesses are pleased now they’ll be making more money, and it gives you more hours, doesn’t it, Lola?”
“Mhmm.” The sound is tight and stressed. “It sure does.”
After that small non comment, she mostly keeps out of the conversation and I spend the time getting to know her father instead. He’s a very nice man who seemingly was very busy until this horrible illness started to take his body away from him. Not that it’s helped much now, but I’m glad I could contribute something to his care. He doesn’t deserve this. I want to do more, but I don’t know how I can ensure Lola will let me.
Eventually I can see what Lola meant about the pills. They strip all energy from him and have his head rolling. I suggest he gets into bed a couple of times, but he doesn’t seem to hear me. And then he’s asleep.
“This is what I was worried about,” Lola says tensely. “I hate it when he drifts off like this because it’s uncomfortable for him and it leaves him stiff and in pain in the morning. He knows I’m not strong enough to carry him as well. It leaves me in such a tricky position.”
“I’ll help you,” I offer right away. “I’ll get him into bed.”
Without even giving Lola the chance to panic, I scoop my arms underneath him and lift him up. He’s heavy because he’s pretty much passed out but I don’t let that show. I don’t want to do anything to make Lola panic.
“Oh my goodness, thank you,” she gushes. “That’s so nice of you.” As I lay him down across the sheets she bursts into some giggles. “Wow, I bet you didn’t expect to spend your night like this.”
“True,” I nod and agree. “But it’s better than what I had planned.”
Chapter 21 – Lola
His words touch me more than they should. The fact that he’s blown off a party and a girl who’s desperate to sleep with him to hang out with me and my ailing father. I don’t actually know what to say in response to that so I let my lips slide closed. Once Dad is on the bed I take a few moments to tuck him in and to make sure he’s comfortable, which gives me a good distraction for a few moments.
“Do you want me to go?” Brandon asks as soon as I’m ready to speak. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome now that your dad is sleeping.”
“You overstayed it already,” I reply, but there’s a teasing to my tone. He has, I didn’t want him to come in at all, but now that he’s here I’m not sure I want him to leave just yet. There’s still so much that’s been left unsaid and now that all the yelling is done I think I might just want to make sure that it’s said. I don’t know if I’ll be able to settle otherwise. “But it’s fine. I can make us another rancid coffee if you like.”
“Sure, rancid coffee, that would be lovely.” He takes his chair to wait for me. “Thanks.”
I pad across the room quietly enough to not wake Dad, which is silly really because he sleeps like a log once he’s out, and I flick the kettle on to bring it back to life. While I do I consider just how crazy this really is. I know I thought it was just my dumb luck to bump into the one person that I didn’t want to see in the whole city, but now it seems insane. Of all the people here, or all the drug stores to walk into, it’s nuts! I’m not going to start believing in fate like my overly romantic father, but it seems like something must be at play here.
Maybe that magnetism that I noticed at the beginning. It could be that, I suppose. Maybe we’re drawn to one another in a way that’s out of our control. That would just be damn typical of my life. The one person I need to avoid is the one person I can’t seem to get away from. Is this how it’s going to be forever? Just no escape however hard I try?
“The make is nice, by the way,” I rasp as I stare at the off color white wall. “I don’t think I’ve said that before, but it is. It looks like somewhere my mom would love.”
“Oh well, I’m glad.” He sounds a bit nervous as he answers me. Have I made him feel that way? “I just thought it was something that needed doing.”
I nod and bring his drink to him. Then I take the chair opposite and I stare intently at him. It’s strange to be back here, sitting in a room and drinking coffee with him as if it’s normal, as if the last year hasn’t happened at all. It makes me want to take a step back and to examine this for a moment before I delve right in.
“So, this is weird, isn’t it?” He addresses it before I have the chance to. “Who would have thought it? I bet not you. I bet you never wanted to see me again.”
“No, not really.” I might as well be honest. “After the way that you left.”
“Yeah. That was shit of me. Really immature. I’m sorry about it.”
“So why did you do it?” I don’t know if the answer’s what I want, but it’s too late. The question is out there now. My mouth asked it without my brain’s permission. I just hope it knows what’s best for me. “Why did you go?”
He glances down at the steaming cup of liquid in his hands. His whole expression closes off and I think for a moment that he’s going to just blow it off and give me nothing. Maybe it’ll be better that way, maybe the truth won’t set me free after all.
“I chose wrong,” he finally says, stunning me to my core. “I felt like I needed to choose between being with you and my career and I chose wrong. Well, if I’m honest with you it didn’t really feel like a choice at all. Me and you were supposed to only be a fling, we never discussed anything further…”
“I tried to,” I interject. “But you’d already shut off from me by then.”
“I know, I was wrong. I had my dad breathing down my neck telling me that I needed to be better and I suppose it was a pressure that I caved to. It doesn’t justify me leaving in the way that I did, but I hope I can make you see that it was never your fault.”
I gulp down the thick ball of emotion that lodges itself in my throat. It’s too much to deal with right now, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to think. It’s all a bit too much, it’s utterly overwhelming, I can barely process his words. Maybe it’s not because I’m too small town or boring, maybe he didn’t see himself as so much better than me. It might be a cliché, but maybe it was him not me. All this time I’ve been blaming myself and now I don’t think that was right. It was just him, the pressure, and his immaturity.
“Oh right,” I eventually reply. “I see.”
Brandon chuckles as he sees me struggling for words, it must be written all across my face. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, or anything, I guess I’ve just wanted you to know that for the last year. I’ve been thinking about you ever since I left, and wondering what you’d say if I tried to contact you…”
“You never tried though. I know that much.”
“No, I never did. And I’m sorry about that. Sitting here across from you now, it’s easy to think about all the times I should have picked up the phone, but I didn’t, and I regret that greatly. Maybe we could have salvaged something if I had.”
Oh God, I can’t think about salvaging anything. The idea makes me too sickly for words. I’m pretty sure that far too much has happened now, I don’t think we could go back even if we wanted to. I suppose if I really think about it I can feel the chemistry pull still there, but I don’t want to cave to it. I don’t think it’s a good idea.
“So, your dad…” Seeming to sense that he’s gone too far, Brandon rapidly changes the subject. “How is his treatment going?”
“Oh you know… I think it’s good but I’m not sure that he agrees. He’s proud, he’s always been that way. I think he’d just rather act like it isn’t happening.”
“Who is the specialist?”
I pull out the card from the bag and read out the name to him “Doctor Munday. It’s the best person we could afford. She’s very good though. Or at least I think she
is.”
“I can pay for better.” His words stun me to the core although I’m not sure why. This is exactly the sort of thing that Brandon does. I don’t want to get sucked in a second time thought because it doesn’t mean he cares. Even his words don’t. He didn’t ever say anything quite so intense the last time we spent time together, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to instantly trust him now. “I can pay for the best of the best, really get him some help.”
“No I don’t think…” I try to stop him in his tracks, but Brandon’s on a roll.
“Oh I wouldn’t be doing it for you, I’d be doing it for him. He’s a great guy who’s always been good to me and I’d like to do this for him. I’ll get him the best treatment with a private room and I’ll put you up in a hotel nearby.” He holds up his hand to stop me from talking. “I know that you’re already ready to shut me down, but before you do I just want you to think about it. If you say no, it’ll be selfish. It isn’t really your future you are playing with. Don’t you think your dad would like to have something like a quality of life back again?”
“You can’t do that to me,” I exclaim. “That isn’t fair. He’s so proud that he’d probably say no anyway. I don’t know if he’d want to take your money. And we’re fine here. We’re quite settled in the motel to be honest.”
Brandon leans forwards in his chair and he smirks at me. “That’s why you have to be the one who says yes. It’s up to you to give him that chance. Then we can just not tell him what’s really going on. And if you’d rather stay here, just stay here.”
“I think he might notice…”
“Maybe, but it’ll be done then.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me. “Come on, you haven’t worked your ass off to get nowhere, have you?”
Damn it, it’s like he can see right through me. I think I had that exact thought myself. It would be so easy to cave to what he’s offering, to fall for it and let my dad have the best of the best, but then I’ll be stuck spending a lot of time with Brandon, and much as I’m managing to be strong now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep it up for an extended period of time. How is anyone supposed to continually resist such a hard pull? It just isn’t possible.
“I don’t know,” I eventually reply cautiously. “I feel like I already owe you enough. You might never have told me, but I know you paid the bill last time, and I’ve constantly felt guilty that I haven’t been able to pay you back.” Well, apart from the times when I wanted to kill him for being so heartless, but this isn’t the time to bring that up. “I don’t know if I want more hanging over my head.”
“I didn’t tell you because I don’t want you to pay me back. That was the whole point of that. I can afford it anyway, what’s the point of having all this money if I can’t do any good with it? This is how I want to spend what I’ve earned.”
He extends his hand for me to shake it, sealing the deal, but I don’t at first. I pause, I rack my brain for any logical reason why I shouldn’t do this, but I just can’t find any. None that aren’t selfish anyway. If I can’t spend a bit of time with this man who maybe isn’t quite the devil I remember him as, for the sake of my dad, then what sort of daughter am I?
“Fine.” I grab his hand and shake it once. “We’ll do this, but if I want to stop at any time, you have to respect my choice without asking questions.”
“I will.” His face breaks into a big, bright smile. “I can promise you that much.”
Just as I’m about to slide my hand away, he yanks me close to him. I fall against his body and allow him to embrace me for just a second. Electricity bursts through my body and all the old memories of him touching me everywhere and making me feel incredible, float to the surface. I slide my eyes closed and just remember, for only a second.
Who would have thought that this is where tonight would end? Me in Brandon Heath-Smith’s arms.
Honestly, if someone would have told me as much, I would have called them insane. Yet here I am, doing just that.
But soon I have to pull away, before I fully mold into him. This is complicated enough, I don’t want to make it a million times worse by adding my feelings back into the mix. Never again, I can’t let myself get hurt a second time. I’ll never survive it.
Chapter 22 – Brandon
God, it feels good to be doing something positive. It actually feels amazing. I feel more alive than I have been in a very long time. As I watch Lola walk with her father into the room of the doctor I’ve paid for them to see, there’s an intense warmth in my chest that I’ve never experienced before. I love it. I want to grab onto it and have more of it. It’s delicious.
“We’ll be back in a moment,” Lola calls out behind her, with a happiness shining in her eyes. She’s warming to me, which is wonderful. “Thank you, Brandon.”
“No worries,” I reply with a bright smile. “Take as long as you want.”
I sit back in my seat, thinking about how I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world. Yes, I could be in the office, sitting behind my desk making important sounding decisions and impressing my father… but is that really what I want? I know now, more than ever before, that it doesn’t make me happy. Okay, so I might not know what does make me happy, but at least I’m one step closer.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I roll my eyes and grab my cell phone out of my pocket and I make my way outside. I don’t know if answering a call is still taboo in surgeries anymore, but I just don’t want to risk it. I don’t want to wreck anything in here, not when it cost me a fortune to get such a rush appointment with this well renowned doctor.
“Hello?” I answer the moment I step outside. “Sandi, is everything okay?”
“Where are you?” she whines. “It’s hard for me to be your PA when you aren’t here.”
Urgh, she doesn’t care at all. She isn’t exactly hard worker of the century, this is more about her disappointment in me than anything else. I haven’t heard anything directly but the rumors suggest that she’s more than upset that I didn’t go to Franko’s party.
“I told you, I’m out this morning. I’ll be back this afternoon. There’s always plenty of paper work that needs filing. You can’t be that bored, can you?”
I can hear the irritating sound of her long fake nails banging against the desk. “Yes, I suppose so. What am I supposed to tell your father if he comes around?”
Tension coils in my chest, just as it always dies when I think about letting down my father, but it untwists and floats away just as quick, which is unusual. I start to think that maybe I might be letting go off all my self doubt after all this time. Something I never thought would happen.
“Don’t worry about him. Just tell him to call me,” I reply sharply. “If he’s that bothered about where I am he’ll contact me himself.” Despite my bravery, I hope he doesn’t. One step at a time. “Thank you, Sandi, I’ve got to go now okay? I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah, okay. I’ll see you later. Don’t be too long, okay?”
I want to be long. In fact I don’t want to go back at all. I want to throw that side of my life aside so I can try to figure out where my dreams and my heart really lies. I have the money, I could do it, but there’s something holding me back for a moment. I think I just need to hold my horses for the moment so I don’t do anything wild. Once I figure out what I want to do, then I can start taking steps.
“Yep, sure. Bye.”
Once I hang up the phone I remain where I am for a few moments, rolling back and forth on the balls of my feet while I think. I’m changing, I can feel myself becoming something better, bursting out of my shell. It’s cool. I like it. The last year of my life has been really gray, dull without any color, and now that Lola’s back the color has burst back into my vision. I feel like maybe I can be the man I was back when we spent time together. I want to be that person, that’s the best version of me.
Right, time to get back inside, I think to myself with a smile. Find out how Lola is.
***
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It takes some time, I’m in the waiting room for ages, but I don’t mind. It all gets even better when Lola and her dad come back out and they both look filled with positivity. It’s as if a weight has been lifted from their shoulders, which is wonderful to see.
Lola even races to my side and throws her arms around me. “Oh my God, that was so good, Brandon. You have no idea.” She squeezes tighter, wrapping her fingers around me. “Thank you so much, I don’t know how I can ever repay you.”
“You don’t have to.” I lean down and whisper into her ear. Her hair blows out as my breath tickles her neck. “Just to see you happy is enough.”
She pulls back to look at me and I can see a light dancing in her eyes. “Even Dad is happy, aren’t you?” Lola turns to look at him but doesn’t give him a chance to answer. She’s too excitable for words. “The doctor was great, he had loads of great advice and exercises to try. Oh, and he’s changed all the meds around too so that should make a difference.” She slips her hand into mine and she pulls me towards her like she can’t get enough of me, which is a sensation I’d almost forgotten. “Come on, let’s go and get some cake to celebrate.”
I’m not complaining as she walks along holding onto my hand like I’m her boyfriend, while also linking her father’s arm. It feels nice, it reminds me of how things used to be. When we were in her town, when things were perfect, this is like that. I don’t want it to end.
“Where are you taking us?” I ask Lola with a laugh. “You’re acting like a crazy person.”
“I know, but I just feel so good.” She points to the nearest café. “That’ll do. Let’s go in there.” She doesn’t give any of us a choice, she yanks us in. “You guys go and get a table, I’ll go and get drinks and cake.”
I take Lola’s dad to sit down, and once we’re both comfortable, I give him a look. “Well, that went very well, I take it?”