The President gave a little smile. ‘Jennifer got to pick the boy’s name and I got to pick the girl’s name. So our daughter will be called Esther Rose Taylor. After Jennifer’s grandmother.’ He gathered his wife and daughter in a warm embrace as the rest of the staff smiled and nodded at the gesture.
Esther, a biblical name. Just like Reuben’s. But Abby hadn’t got to choose Reuben’s name. It had been the one he’d come with and she would have never dreamed of changing it.
Abby felt her knees start to tremble and her arms start to shake. A beautiful, perfect baby. A little early maybe, but with the best care in the world. This little girl would have a better than average chance at life. But what about her own precious bundle? What would Reuben’s chances be? Her head started to swim.
‘Do you still need me, Linc?’
He looked up from where he was making a few notes and shook his head. ‘No, everything’s fine here. I’ll give you a call if I need a hand.’ He took in her pale expression. ‘Are you okay, Abby?’
She nodded wordlessly and pushed her way out of the room, her legs on autopilot as she strode down the corridor. Her hand reached into her pocket and she pulled out the hospital letter with Reuben’s appointment on it. She needed air. She needed clean, fresh air that you could only get from being outside.
All of a sudden she couldn’t be in there. But why now? Why, when it was probably the most important birth of the year? She hadn’t felt this way when she’d seen Valerie Carter’s new baby boy yesterday. But then again, she hadn’t witnessed the birth. She hadn’t seen the commitment and love of two devoted parents getting their first chance to hold their child—the child that would quickly become the centre of their whole universe.
And it made her want to cry. Because her little boy didn’t have that. He didn’t have two devoted parents and the best expert care in the world. He had one scared-out-of-her-wits mom.
‘Abby …’
She heard the voice shout her name, but ignored it, throwing open the outside door and walking out into the streaming sunshine. She tried to take some deep breaths, to fill her lungs and calm her heartbeat.
Seconds later a pair of arms swept around her, then a hand brushed her blonde hair from her eyes. ‘Are you okay, Abby? Did something happen to the baby?’
Luke’s voice was filled with concern, his arms supporting most of her weight while her legs were buckling under her. He pulled her over to the nearby bench outside the front doors of the hospital.
She sat for a few seconds, her eyes fixed on the horizon, her trembling hands in her lap. The hospital appointment card was screwed into a ball in her hands. ‘The baby’s fine, Luke. It’s a girl. And she’s perfect.’
The words broke her. Broke her last few seconds of stern resolve and she dissolved into tears.
And Luke just knew. Knew exactly what was wrong. The irony of the perfect baby wasn’t lost on him. Not while Abby feared for her son’s life.
He gathered her into his arms and stroked her hair. ‘One more day, Abby. Just get through today and we’ll find out tomorrow.’ He could feel the tension in her shoulders, the strain in her face.
‘I can’t do this,’ she whispered. ‘I can’t lose my baby.’
‘Stop thinking the worst. This might only be a minor setback. The bruises—they might just be that, bruises. It might not mean anything.’
The words made her angry, as if he wasn’t taking this seriously. She sat up. ‘You don’t know that. I don’t know that. Tell me something. Did you manage to get a good night’s sleep last night? Because I didn’t—I couldn’t sleep a wink.’
Her frustration was coming to a head now. ‘And don’t say “we”. Don’t say that as if you’re going to be here—you’re not. I can’t rely on you, Luke. I can’t let myself rely on you. This isn’t your life. It’s mine.’ She stood up now and started pacing around. ‘You don’t even like Reuben that much. Do you think I don’t know how awkward you feel around him? How much of a struggle it is for you to spend time with him?’
The whole world seemed to be exploding around her right now. Luke’s reappearance, Reuben’s threat of illness. And it was all her fault. She’d allowed him to slip back into her life. Because the truth was, she’d never stopped loving him. That’s why she’d never found room in her heart for anyone else. And from the second he’d walked through the doors of the ER everything had just fallen into place.
And right now it all just seemed so wrong.
Luke hadn’t moved. He sat on the bench and watched her pacing. She was venting her frustration and he knew that. Hell—he’d been there and worn the T-shirt. But she was right. And it was embarrassing.
He bit his lip. A voice echoed in his head—Ryan. Speak now or for ever hold your peace. They’d always joked that they would like to have walked into a wedding at that point and said something—anything—to the shocked congregation. How could he explain this?
‘Abby, it’s not that I don’t like Reuben. I do like him. I do.’
‘Then what is it?’ Her voice was clipped.
He swept his arms outwards. ‘It’s everything. It’s all of this. He’s just …so familiar to me. I feel as if I’m getting the chance to relive part of my life with Ryan all over again. And I know that’s wrong. He’s not Ryan—he’s Reuben—and I’m trying really hard not to get the two mixed up.’ He ran his fingers through his hair. His eyes met hers and he held his hand out towards her. ‘And then there’s you.’
She kept her arms firmly by her sides. ‘What does that mean?’
He stepped closer, putting his hands on either side of her waist. ‘This.’ He bent his head and kissed her gently on the nose. ‘I can’t separate out how I feel about you from all this.’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t understand …’
‘You’re a package deal now, Abby, and I know that. I can’t have one without the other.’
Her hands started to shake again. ‘You’re absolutely right, Luke, you can’t. So what do you mean—you can’t have one without the other?’ She stepped back to distance herself from him.
‘You would prefer it if Reuben wasn’t here, wouldn’t you?’
He hesitated, for just a fraction too long as he tried to find the right words.
The tears streamed down her cheeks. ‘I’m trying to face up to the fact my little boy might be having a relapse of his illness—one that could steal him away from me—and you wish he wasn’t here? What kind of a person are you?’
‘Abby, no …’ He reached out to touch her, but she jumped backwards.
‘Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me again, ever! You’re right, I am a package deal. It’s not enough that you have feelings for me. I need you to love Reuben too. I need to know that if something happened to me tomorrow, you would be willing to step in and be there for him—not wish him away!’
‘You’re putting words into my mouth that I never said.’
‘You didn’t have to say them, I can see them in your eyes!’
He shook his head. ‘You’re wrong, Abby. That’s not what you see. You’re not the only one that’s scared here.’
‘Scared of what?’
‘Scared of losing something that’s infinitely precious to me. I’ve been there—and barely survived. I don’t know if I can do that again. What happens if I love Reuben and I lose him too? What happens if I watch you fall apart before my eyes? Do you think there’s anything about this that’s easy?’ He was suddenly conscious of the fact he was shouting. The more upset he’d become, the louder his voice.
He looked out towards the sea. ‘This isn’t about the fact I’m awkward around kids. I am, and I know I am. When I knew I couldn’t have children I distanced myself from them. I didn’t really want to know what I was missing out on. Because that just makes it tougher to take. I’m not entirely sure what a four-year-old wants in this world. I’m trying to relate to Reuben, really I am. But I can only base what I know on my own memories—memories of me and my brother.’
/> His mouth curled upwards. ‘But Reuben’s different. The likeness to Ryan aside, he’s not your average kid and I’ve spent the last few days seeing that.’
He took her hands in his and pulled her back over towards the bench. ‘I want to be here for you, Abby. I want to be your friend.’
She took a sharp intake of breath. A friend. What did that mean exactly? This was all too much. She didn’t have the time or energy to waste on this right now. She needed to focus. She needed to prioritise.
She pulled her hands backwards into her lap, as if she was trying to put some distance between them. ‘You’ve confused things for me, Luke. I thought I had everything I wanted here. Then you appeared and …’ Her words trailed off. She shook her head. ‘I need to concentrate on Reuben right now. We’ve got an appointment tomorrow at San Fran Children’s Hospital.’ Her voice grew quiet. ‘I’ve no idea what will happen, but right now …’ she raised her eyes again to meet his ‘… I need to be a mom.’
His hand reached over and stroked her cheek. ‘I wouldn’t want you to be anything else, Abby. Being a mom is what I always wanted for you. You were made for this job.’
Her face changed and he couldn’t read it. A multitude of expressions flitted across her face as she obviously processed her feelings. Her eyes fixed on the screwed-up ball of paper still in her hand. Luke felt as if he was on a cliff edge, dangling, waiting for the right or wrong words that could send him tumbling into oblivion. If only he could say what she really needed to hear. That he loved her and he needed her. And that he could be there to hold Reuben’s hand no matter what the outcome. But he had to be sure. He had to be absolutely sure that this was something he could do. And the one person he could talk to about all this wasn’t here.
Ryan. Ryan only existed in his head now. He didn’t have him to laugh and joke with, to ask advice, to lend a sympathetic ear. And Abby was the person who would naturally fill that role for him now. She was the person who knew him best. So why couldn’t he talk to her about this? Why couldn’t he make her understand?
She looked so lost. And alone. Alone, with the weight of the world on her shoulders.
Noise surrounded them. A siren, approaching fast. He watched as a police car pulled up at the entrance, closely followed by a procession of sleek black cars. He jumped up and ran over to the police chief. ‘Is something wrong?’
The police chief took a second to give his badge a cursory glance, before watching as an array of men in black exited the cars. James Turner strode through the main entrance, his hand outstretched towards the chief.
‘Thanks for coming.’
Luke looked from one to the other. ‘What on earth is going on?’
James Turner raised his eyebrow. ‘Word’s got out about the First Lady. We’re just about to turn this into a no-fly zone. Our plans have changed. We need to resecure this area.’
‘What does that mean?’
The police chief shook his head. ‘Before, no one knew the First Lady was here. Now the media have hired every move-able object in the area and are trying to reach the hospital. The President’s here, so the whole area above Pelican Cove needs to be declared a no-fly zone for security reasons. It’s going to be chaos around here. And now we have a baby to protect too.’
Luke took a deep breath. This was the last thing they needed. He glanced over his shoulder towards Abby. She’d heard every word.
‘I’ll try and clear the ER.’ She headed back inside. Their conversation was clearly over.
She strode away from him and Luke watched as the crumpled hospital appointment rolled across the ground at her feet, like a tumbleweed ball across a desert.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
ABBY bent down and zipped up Reuben’s red raincoat. ‘Ready, honey?’
He shook his blond head and glared at her with his pale blue eyes. ‘Don’t want to go,’ he said stubbornly.
She knew exactly how he felt. She lifted her hand and traced her finger down his cheek. ‘I don’t want to go either, honey, but we have to. We have to find out if you need more special medicine.’
‘I don’t need any special medicine.’ He raised his arms to show her his muscles, hidden under layers of clothes. ‘Look, Mommy, I’m strong, I don’t need any.’
Abby smiled at his bravado. Reuben wasn’t a child who screamed and shouted and had temper tantrums. He liked to argue his case with her. See if he could win her round. But he could never win this argument.
This morning she could see just how pale he was. He had hardly eaten any dinner last night—even though she’d made his favourite—and even though she’d tried to tempt him with an early breakfast this morning, it had been a washout. She could tell right now that he was still tired and he would probably fall asleep in the car on the way to San Francisco.
She put her hands around him and pulled him up into her arms. ‘I know you’re strong, Reuben. I think you’re the strongest boy in the world. And do you know what? When we finish up at the hospital today, I’m going to take you to the big toy shop and you can pick another wrestler for your ring. How’s that?’
‘How many?’ The immediate distraction worked. Four-year-olds knew exactly where their priorities lay.
Abby wrinkled her nose as she lifted her bag and pulled the front door open. ‘Maybe one, no … maybe two, or … if you’re extra good,’ she whispered in his ear, ‘maybe three!’
‘Whoopee!’ Reuben flung his hands in the air and laughed. ‘Three new wrestlers!’
She caught a glimpse of a shape. A dark figure on her front steps that leapt to his feet as they came through the door. She stopped short. Luke.
‘What are you doing here?’
He hadn’t stayed there last night and she’d no idea where he’d been. How long had he been sitting there?
‘Waiting for you.’
‘Hi, Luke. Mommy’s going to buy me some new wrestlers today. Wanna come?’
Abby glanced at her watch. She had plenty of time to spare, but she didn’t want to spend it on this. ‘I can’t deal with you today, Luke.’ She pushed past him towards her car, pressing the button to open the doors.
His hand closed over hers, releasing the key from her grasp. ‘I’m not here to fight with you, but I am coming with you. Let me drive.’
‘In that?’ She pointed towards her Mini, her eyes running up and down his tall frame. ‘You won’t even fit.’
He eyed the car carefully and gave a slow nod. ‘I’ll get in there if I have to bend myself double.’ He pulled open the nearest door. ‘Why don’t you sit in the back with Reuben? Let me take the stress of the drive. San Francisco can be pretty hairy at this time of day.’
She bit her lip. She hated driving to San Francisco. She hated driving full stop. That was part of the reason she loved Pelican Cove so much, she hardly had to use her car at all.
He lowered his voice. ‘I’m not going to let you go alone, Abby. I’m not going to let you go through this yourself today. You don’t have to. I want to be here. Let me help you.’ His eyes were fixed on hers with an air of determination she’d never seen before. She could spend the next hour arguing with him and still wouldn’t win, and somehow she didn’t want to. She really didn’t want to spend the day alone in the hospital, waiting to hear the news that she dreaded.
‘C’mon, Mommy. Let’s go get the wrestlers.’ Reuben shifted in her arms, causing her to snap to attention.
‘Will we let Luke come with us?’ she asked him.
‘Is he going to buy me a wrestler too?’
She laughed. Life was so simple when you were four years old. ‘Okay, then, you can come.’ She held Luke’s gaze for a second. ‘But don’t make this any harder for me.’
‘I won’t, I promise.’ He nodded solemnly before she finally turned and loaded Reuben into the car seat, strapping him in place before joining him in the back seat. Luke folded himself into her tiny car, pushing the seat back against her legs, before starting the engine and heading down the cliff-side road towards th
e city.
Within ten minutes Reuben was sleeping—just like she’d predicted. Another sign. That was three this morning. He was pale, tired and he’d lost his appetite. None of this was good.
Things weren’t meant to work out like this. She’d been so hopeful. After all, the majority of kids with ALL now had good outcomes. Was she going to have one of the unfortunate few?
He was in his third phase of treatment. He’d had the awful induction therapy to kill all the affected cells, then he’d had his consolidation therapy to kill any remaining cells that could grow again and cause a relapse. Now he was in the maintenance phase. Maintenance that for Reuben obviously hadn’t worked. She was going to have to go through all this again. Weeks of sickness, weeks of avoiding infection, weeks of a little boy who was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open. Weeks of finding him something, anything, that he might be able to stomach and keep down. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d bundled him up in the car and left the house in the dead of night in search of some type of popsicle or chocolate bar that he’d decided he could eat.
She turned and looked out of the window as the perfect ocean views of Pelican Cove drifted past. The crashing waves, rugged coastline and lush green hills. She’d wanted the perfect life here. She’d wanted to bring her child up here—but was this the place her child could die?
The thought sent an involuntary shudder down her spine and she could feel the rise of bile in the back of her throat. Where did these thoughts come from? How did they get inside her mind? Inside her dreams? Last night had been a repeat of the little white coffin, being lowered into the ground. But last night’s dream had changed. This time Luke had been standing next to her, his arms wrapped around her shoulders.
Was it a prediction? Was she seeing the future? Because this wasn’t the future she wanted. She couldn’t even contemplate a future like that.
Another thought played across her mind. If something happened to Reuben, would she even want to be here any more? Their lives were so entrenched, so intermingled, she couldn’t imagine living without him. Someone had once told her that parents shouldn’t outlive their children. She hadn’t understood the significance of the words at the time. But now she did. She wouldn’t want to be here without him. She couldn’t be here without him. How could she stay in her aunt’s house without every thought being of him? It was a happy home and should be filled with a happy family.
The Boy Who Made Them Love Again Page 15