Never Forget Us

by Tracy Lorraine

  I nod as he turns to leave. “Thank you. What about the ceiling?”

  He grabs an old envelope off the dining table and scribbles down a name. “This guy will sort you out. Tell him I sent you. And Erin?” he asks, making me look up from the paper. “Don’t forget to make payment.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  When Dean goes to get in the van, the interior light allows me to see a figure sat in the passenger seat. I can’t make out any features but he looks defeated. Dean says something to him I can’t quite hear, but it makes Jay look up. I didn’t need to see his head move because I can feel his stare. It burns into me and makes my heart beat that little bit faster.

  There wasn’t any need for me to be such a bitch to him, but I need him to leave me to get on with my life. I need him to stop fucking everything up.

  I lean against the doorframe and watch as Dean backs off the drive. He gives me a little wave, which I return, but Jay doesn’t do anything other than continue watching me.

  * * *

  I’m still mopping up water when I hear Denny come running through the front door. His face drops a little when he realises he’s missed all the action.

  “Did you have a good time?” I ask, plastering a smile on my face.

  “Yeah! I was allowed a second trip up to the ice cream factory.”

  “Wow, you must have been a good boy. It’s getting late, can you go up and get ready for bed?”

  “Really? Can’t I play trains with Dawn?”

  “I’m not sure she can stay, sweetie.” I have no idea if that’s true; it’s just wishful thinking.

  “Everything sorted?” Dawn asks once Denny’s headed off upstairs.

  “They fixed the leak so now I’ve just got this,” I say, pointing up to the hole in the ceiling. “And a very soggy kitchen.”

  “It could have been worse,” Dawn comments helpfully.

  I think the place burning down may have been better that what happened tonight in some ways.

  “DAWN, come and see my new bit of track,” Denny shouts as he rounds the corner, still pulling is pyjama top on.

  “Just for a couple of minutes.”

  I listen to Denny’s laughter while I finish up cleaning, and it lightens my heart slightly.

  A few minutes later, I’m thanking Dawn for helping out once again and waving her off.

  “Time for bed, little man.”

  Denny pouts his small lips at me but does as he’s told, and I follow him up the stairs.

  “Mummy, tell me my story.”

  I swallow down the giant lump in my throat. I’ve managed to get out of telling it the past couple of nights, but I knew it wouldn’t last forever.

  “Once upon a time, there was a handsome soldier….”

  * * *

  Once Denny’s fallen asleep, I sneak out and close his door behind me. I’d do anything for that little boy, but telling that story over and over again rips me to shreds. I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand and decide a hot bath is in order. I set the temperature before running downstairs for a very large glass of wine.

  I lie back and allow the water to soothe my tight muscles. I think back to only a few weeks ago when my biggest issue was meeting my deadline, and wonder if life will ever be that easy again. I hope I made my point tonight, and that will be the end of it so we can both get on with our lives. What we had all those years ago was incredible, but time has moved on. I can’t drop everything just because he decided to show up.

  I must drift off to sleep because the next thing I hear is the sound of smashing glass. I shoot up, sloshing water everywhere, and look over the side of the bath to see my smashed glass in a puddle of wine.

  “For fuck’s sake. When’s this shit gonna end?” I ask, and I pull myself up so I’m standing. I step over the mess, wrap a towel around my body and hair, and leave the room, deciding I’ll get dressed and come back to deal with it.

  I pull on my pyjamas and cover them with one of Alex’s giant hoodies. I bring the soft fabric up to my nose but instead of the comfort his scent usually brings, sadness washes through me.

  As I brush my hair, I stare at myself in the mirror. I look pale, and the black rings around my eyes only make it look more obvious. No wonder Alex is concerned; I look bloody terrible. The fact I’m not sleeping is written all over my face, etched into every pore.

  Frustrated with myself and how I’ve allowed Jay to affect me, I angrily rub moisturiser into my face and coat my lips with some balm.

  Not being able to look at myself any longer, I turn my back on the mirror and go to sort out the mess in the bathroom.

  “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I mutter when a shard of glass slices my finger. “This is all fucking karma, isn’t it?” I ask no one. I’ve never really been one to believe in all that, but it seems since made the colossal mistake of betraying Alex, the universe is against me.

  I wrap some tissue around my finger and scoop up the rest of the glass gently so I don’t end up with any more wounds, and take it all downstairs.

  As I walk past the front door, a shadow catches my eye, but thinking it’s the trees, I continue to the kitchen. I drop the glass into a bag when I hear a gentle knock. I look up to the front door to see the dark shadow still there.

  My heart begins to thud in my chest, and my hands start to shake. I don’t need to answer the door because I know what, or who, I’m going to find. My body knows when he’s close, just like it did that day a few weeks ago in the café, and all those years ago in that club.

  Slowly, I walk over to the door, my head and my heart at war with each other about what I should do when I get there. I should tell him to leave, to forget about me. I can tell myself this as much as I want, but I’m not sure I’d ever be able to convince myself.

  As I stand staring at him through the frosted glass, I can feel my pulse in every part of my body.

  What’s going to happen when I open the door?

  I reach my hand out and pull the latch down. The click is almost deafening. Slowly, I pull the door open. I only make it two inches before part of his face comes into view.

  His shoulders are squared like he’s come to fight, but his head is down in defeat.

  He waits a second before he begins to look up through his eyelashes, the sight makes my breath catch and my hands tremble. His eyes are dark, full of hunger, passion, and anger.

  I let go of the door when I feel him push against it, and in seconds he has me backed up against the hallway wall and is kicking the door closed.

  Those dangerous eyes stare down into mine, ensuring my heart continues to race, and my temperature soars.

  Then his lips are on mine. His tongue sweeps into my mouth and coaxes mine to join. My hands go to his head before I feel his fingers dig into my thighs as he lifts me. His hips press me against the wall and I feel his hardness pressing into me. Tingles erupt between my legs and I begin to ache for him.

  His mouth devours me as his hands roam around my body, not knowing which part to focus on first. His hips continue moving, making me pant with need for him.

  “Jesus, Jay, fuck,” I mutter when he moves his lips down to my neck.

  My words must spur him into action because I feel myself pulled from the wall and carried towards the living room. His lips stay connected to my skin the whole time.

  When we get to the sofa, he lowers me down before moving back slightly and grabbing onto the bottom of my hoodie—Alex’s hoodie. The thought is short lived, because when his hands come back to me they’re squeezing my breasts and pinching my nipples through the thin fabric of my vest.

  Jay drags his eyes away from my breasts and back up to mine. I see my own stress and torment from the past few weeks reflected back at me. The only thing missing is the guilt.

  I don’t get a chance to think any more because his lips come back to mine and he drops his weight onto me. One of his hands slides up the inside of my vest to tease my nipple. The other threads into my hair while I grab onto his arse
and pull him down harder as he continues to drive me crazy. I go to slide my hands up his back but he grabs my wrists and pins them above my head. I’m totally at his mercy.

  His hand slides over my breasts and stomach before it slips easily into my kickers once he’s lifted himself up. I moan and writhe beneath him and he pushes me closer and closer to my release.

  Then the one word that brings my world crashing down around me fills the room.

  “Mummy?”

  Jay pushes himself off me. His eyes widen as he stares down and regret fills his face. It’s the first time I’ve seen any sign from him that what we’re doing here is wrong.

  I lay motionless as he slowly climbs from the sofa and backs up across the room. I want to be amused by how skittish he looks right now. But I can’t. The weight of what’s about to happen presses down heavily on my chest as I wait for the inevitable.

  Jay’s going to take one look at Denny and know the truth. As is Denny.

  My head is screaming at me to get up, to intercept Denny before he enters the room and send him back upstairs, but my body is incapable of moving. It’s like it’s forcing me to deal with the recklessness of my actions, my stupid decisions.

  Slowly, the door pushes open. “Mummy, I can’t sleep.”

  My focus stays on Jay as his eyes widen further. His chest is heaving up and down, and his hands are balled into tight fists.

  I see Denny in the doorway in my peripheral vision but I don’t look his way. I’m too intent on seeing Jay’s reaction.

  He’s going to realise any second. Then what’s he going to do?

  “Fuck,” falls from Jay’s lips as he stands stock-still, staring at his son for the first time.

  “Mummy?” I hear whispered from the doorway moments before I feel him come to stand next to me.

  I look between them as they stare at each other, two different sized versions of the same person.

  “Mummy, is that my—” Denny’s words are cut off when a growl erupts from Jay’s throat.

  When I look up to him, I see his focus has shifted onto me. His stare is hard and angry but I don’t miss the utter disbelief and confusion.

  “Jay…let me—”

  “I can’t deal with this right now.” His hands come up to his head and he runs them over his scalp and down his face. “Fuck, Erin. This is…this is…fucked up.”

  I stand, wanting to go to him, but as I do, Denny grabs my hand and I experience something I never thought I would. I’m being ripped apart by the two men I love most in the world. Denny needs me to explain; he’s a child and has no clue what’s going on right now. But Jay…his understanding of the situation isn’t helping him, and I desperately want to go to him, too.

  I don’t get the chance to make a decision because Jay makes it for me.

  No more words pass his lips as he gives me one last stare before marching from the living room, and seconds later the house, leaving behind only the echo of the slammed door in his wake.

  “Mummy, was that my daddy?” Denny repeats after a few minutes of silence have passed between us.

  I look down at his confused face and pull him onto my lap.

  Honesty is the only answer I can give him. “Yes, baby. That was your daddy.”

  “He’s exactly like I imagined.” His words push me over the edge and I cling to him as I cry.

  Now what do I do?

  Chapter Seven

  I explained everything to Denny the best I could before putting him back to bed last night. I told him his daddy had a very important job and that’s why he hadn’t been here before. It wasn’t all that different to his usual bedtime story, other than Denny’s now seen more than a photograph. He knows just as well as I do that he’s not dead. Now he’s seen him, though, it’s only a matter of time before Alex finds out, because there is no way he’s going to keep this to himself. He’s always idolised his dad, even from the few things I’ve told him, so now he’s seen him in person he’s going to want to shout it from the rooftops.

  Suddenly the decision I’ve been pushing to the back of my mind is right there at the front with a giant ticking clock beside it.

  When I leave Denny and get myself into bed, I find a message from Alex on my phone.

  Sorry I didn’t call, everything’s a little crazy here. I promise I’ll ring you tomorrow. I love you.

  I text back a quick I love you, too but it’s painful to type. While he was worrying about not being able to ring me, I was downstairs on the sofa with Jay. Guilt eats me alive.

  * * *

  “Mummy, please can I see Daddy again?”

  Since the moment Denny opened his eyes this morning, that’s all I’ve heard. He’s buzzing with excitement, whereas I’m struggling to find any enthusiasm for what I’ve got to deal with.

  “I don’t know, baby,” I answer honestly, after deciding I’ve already told enough lies recently. For all I know, finding out about Denny last night might have forced Jay back to wherever it was he fucked off to five years ago.

  I let out a sigh as I wave to Denny across the playground. I’m not looking forward to what I’ve got to do next but there’s no use in putting it off.

  I drive straight to the garage, focusing only on the task in hand. If I don’t do this right now, I’ll find any excuse to put it off.

  I’m surprised to see the place all shut up when I get there. As I pull into the small parking section, I see two guys stood by the entrance. I recognise the giant as Dean but the smaller one isn’t familiar.

  “I’m guessing this is your fault,” Dean says with a little smile on his lips when I’m in hearing distance.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask, not wanting to confirm his suspicions.

  “He’s refusing to open the fucking door.”

  Yeah, this is definitely my fault.

  “Erin, this is Titch, our apprentice,” Dean says when he sees me glance over to the kid next to him. Now I’m close, I can see he probably hasn’t even got his driving licence yet.

  “Hey…Titch,” I say with a smile, trying to be polite. It amuses me when I watch his face flush red before he does a shy little wave.

  Dean also sees and makes it a million times worse for the poor kid by roughing up his hair and teasing him about how to talk to women.

  Shaking my head at both of them, I stand in front of Dean and knock the door.

  “Fuck. Off,” is barked from inside the garage.

  “It’s me,” I call, turning my focus to the door and blocking out Dean and Titch behind me. “Open up, we need to talk.”

  His response is to laugh.

  “I’m pretty sure he’s off his face,” Dean helpfully adds behind me.

  “Jay, please. We need to talk about this.”

  “You don’t fucking say,” he shouts sarcastically. “Probably would have been better five years ago, don’t you think?” he snaps.

  “Don’t you think I would have done if I had the chance? For all I knew, you were fucking dead.”

  “I may as well have been. You’ve gone ahead and got yourself the perfect little life, haven’t you? With your boyfriend and my son.”

  I don’t miss Dean’s sharp intake of breath.

  “Jay, just open the damn door,” I demand, beginning to get pissed off with this to and fro.

  There are long minutes of silence as we stand and wait to see what he’s going to do before we hear a bang and the door opens a few inches. As soon as it’s wide enough to squeeze in, I do. It’s clear I was the only one being invited in when the door slams shut again.

  “We’ll stay out here then,” Dean calls.

  “Go home.”

  “You don’t have to tell me twice, boss.”

  I stand just inside the door and watch as Jay walks off through the garage towards the office at the back.

  When I get there, I see it’s not an office like I remember, but a self-contained flat.

  “You live here?”

  My question goes unanswered. Instead, he swipes a
bottle of whisky off a coffee table made from wooden crates, and falls back onto the ancient sofa. He takes a swig, then wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. Looks like Dean’s assumptions were correct.

  I step up to him and take the bottle from his hands.

  “Hey,” he complains, reaching out for it.

  “It’s nine in the morning, Jay.”

  “And? It’s not like I have a kid to look after…Oh wait…I do!”

  I fix him with a hard stare. “Don’t,” I warn, “or I’ll walk out right now.”

  I may not be innocent in this whole thing. I know that I should have told him about Denny sooner—he is his dad after all. But I was trying to protect my son.

  His sulky face ignites my anger. I’m not having this conversation with him while he’s wasted.

  Spinning on my heel, I walk away from him and over to the little kitchenette to make coffee. The sight of the fancy machine brings back memories of our first morning together when he insisted on walking to the other end of the high street just to get good coffee. I smile at the memory and kick the machine into action.

  By the time I walk back around the sofa, Jay is out like a light.

  I sit myself down on the chair opposite him and watch him sleep. His dark eyelashes are resting down on his strong cheekbones and his full lips are slightly parted. It’s the first time I’ve seen him look peaceful since he came crashing back into my life.

  After drinking my coffee and covering Jay with a blanket I found on the end of his bed, I sit back down. I never once got the chance to watch him sleep when we were on our road trip. He was always awake before me in the mornings. It’s something I never realised I missed out on, but as I sit here now, I wish it was something I’d experienced back then, because he’s only more beautiful when he sleeps.

  I sit there for hours, hoping he’ll wake up, but it’s wishful thinking because it was obvious he’d been up all night drinking.

  The time gets so late that eventually I have to leave to collect Denny from school. Placing my notebook back in my bag, I leave the note I wrote for Jay in front of him before softly kissing his forehead and walking out.