I came here to have this all out with him but I still have everything hanging over me. I can only hope he takes me up on my offer later.
* * *
Denny’s still going on and on about his dad until the minute he falls asleep. I’d put money on him dreaming about him tonight.
I hate that I have no answers for him. I was hoping that after seeing Jay today I’d have a clearer idea about if he wants to be in Denny’s life. I know it was a big bombshell but it can’t be all that different to the day I discovered I was pregnant. I knew the second I looked at the positive test that I was having it, and I already knew I loved it.
I shut his door and quietly make my way downstairs, hoping and praying that he stays in bed tonight. Ideally, I wanted to have this meeting with Jay when Denny wasn’t around, but I don’t have a lot of options. I know Frankie’s busy with clients all week, and it’s not like I can call up Dawn and ask her to look after Denny while I spend time with his dad.
I put the vegetables on and pull a bottle of wine from the fridge. I hate to be a hypocrite because I was seriously pissed off that Jay turned to alcohol last night, but I need a drink.
I take a giant swig as there’s a knock on the door.
Putting the glass on the table, I smooth down the front of my skirt and straighten my necklace.
My hand shakes as I reach out to open the door, memories of how he greeted me last night slamming into my head. I shake them out and take a big breath to prepare myself.
Tonight’s entrance is very different.
“Hey,” he mutters when I pull the door open. The heat and passion in his eyes from last night is gone, replaced by apprehension.
I direct him through to the kitchen and offer him a drink.
“Just water, please,” he says solemnly.
The atmosphere is heavy as I silently fill a glass for him and hand it over. His fingers brush mine as he takes it, and the tingles have our eyes connecting across the table.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper
“Me too.”
“Dinner won’t be long.”
We continue to stare at each other. The words I need to say are right on the end of my tongue, but I just can’t push them out.
Eventually Jay fills the silence, and what he says breaks my heart. “If I’d have known…I’d have been right by your side. I need you to know that.”
Although that’s amazing to hear, it isn’t going to help. “Can we not focus on the what ifs? I’m sure we could both have done things differently in the past five years, but we’re here now, so let’s just focus on the facts and the future.”
“Okay.”
“Thank you.”
I feel his eyes on me the entire time I’m dishing up dinner. There are a million questions hanging between us, but it’s like we’re both too scared to ask them.
When our eyes meet, it feels like the weight of all this lifts. For a moment, I forget about all the bullshit surrounding us, and focus on him. On the way he made me feel back then, and the way he still makes me feel now, despite the years that have passed.
As I stare at him with two plates of dinner in my hands, the dam breaks. A sob erupts and tears fill my eyes. This is all too much. The guilt, the emotions, the pressure, the uncertainty, and the lies. It all hits me at once, and I crumble.
Jay catches me just as my knees buckle, but the plates go down with a crash. The ceramic shatters and food shoots across the tiled floor as Jay holds me against him, his hardness against my soft curves. I cling on to him like he’s going to disappear again if I don’t. Having him back in my life makes it so obvious how much I’ve missed him, how big a hole he left when he didn’t come back.
* * *
“I’m sorry about dinner,” I say when I feel strong enough.
“I don’t give a fuck about dinner, Skittles. I came here for you.” His use of my nickname makes a couple more tears fall. I can’t even put into words how good it feels to hear him say it again. It’s like I suddenly feel whole.
I go to step away from him but he has none of it. Instead, he swings my legs up into his arms and effortlessly carries me from the kitchen, side stepping the roast potatoes in his path. Laughter takes over from my previous outburst at the sight of the mess we’re leaving behind when I look over his shoulder.
Jay walks us to the living room before gently dropping me onto the sofa. Memories from last night set my pulse racing, but unlike yesterday, he sits himself down at the other end.
I watch as he thinks about what he wants to say. It doesn’t seem to help, though, because he can’t get his words out when he does open his mouth. “How did…When did you…What’s his…”
I take pity on him. “Denny. His name’s Denny, and he’s almost five.”
“Denny?”
“It’s short for Jayden.”
I hear Jay’s sharp intake of breath. I’m not sure why he’s surprised; why wouldn’t I name my son after his dad, who I thought he was never going to see? I knew the moment I walked away that day what I was calling him, but it took me a long time to be able to say his whole name without a wave of grief washing through me. I may have been convinced Jay wasn’t dead, but that didn’t make the pain of his disappearance any easier.
“You named him after me?”
“Of course. I couldn’t think of a more perfect name for him. I wanted him to know everything about you, so you could live on through him.”
“Do you still feel that way?” he asks cautiously.
I look at Jay’s concerned face and I can’t believe he’s even asking that question. “More than ever. He idolises you, Jay.”
“He’s never met me.”
“It doesn’t matter. You’re his dad. That’s kind of how parenthood works.” I instantly regret my words because the look he gives me says ‘how should I know?’.
“You’ll be an amazing dad.”
He gives a noncommittal grunt.
“What exactly can I offer a kid? The last five years have been shit. I’ve been to hell and back, barely able to look after myself, let alone a child.”
“You have everything to offer him. Kids don’t care about whatever it is you’re talking about. All they want is love, and I know you’re capable of that.”
“I was,” he mutters, looking away from me.
“What happened, Jay?” I whisper.
He doesn’t respond straight away. Instead, he gets up from the sofa and walks over to the mantel piece covered in photographs of Denny throughout the past five years.
“He was so small,” he comments when he comes to one of me holding him in hospital when he was days old.
“He was premature.” I don’t elaborate, because although I have every intention of explaining every minute of Denny’s life to Jay, right now, it’s his turn.
“How’s your mum?” he asks next, when he comes to a photo of her.
“She’s dead.” His head spins back to me, a look of shock on his face. “You knew as well as I did that it was coming. It’s your turn, Jay,” I say.
He looks at me, sadness and sympathy filling his eyes.
“What happened?” I prompt when he makes no effort to start talking.
“I never planned for things to be like this. I was meant to walk up to you that day and sweep you off your feet.”
“But you didn’t. You watched me sit there like an idiot as I waited for you. Why?”
“Things went wrong in Afghan,” he admits before taking a couple of deep breaths. “We went out to rescue a truck that had broken down on the outskirts of a town we’d just taken control of. It was meant to be simple. Go there, get it moving, and get back to base. Only, it didn’t happen that way. Things didn’t feel right the second we pulled up, but I put it to the back of my mind and focused on the job in hand.
“There was no one around. The place was derelict, or so it seemed. We got the truck started, and Jonny and I were walking back to our vehicle when it happened.”
“What happened?”
I ask on a whisper as I lean towards him.
“The truck exploded. Someone fired an RPG and the whole damn thing went up. Jonny and I were the only ones who survived, as we’d walked just far enough away.” Tears fill my eyes as I try to imagine what that could have been like. “He ended up in a worse way than me. We were air lifted to Bastian, and rushed to surgery. He had his left leg amputated above the knee, while I just had a few bits of debris removed and some wounds stitched up.”
“Shit,” I mutter, because I have no clue what to say. I didn’t notice myself get up, but I suddenly realise I’m stood right in front of him. As I look up into his pain filled eyes, I wonder how I ever could have been mad at him. I should have known something serious had happened.
“Jay,” I whisper as I reach my hand out to his. My touch makes him flinch.
“No, Erin,” he says weakly. “I should go.”
“No, please. I’ll tell you everything you want to know about Denny.”
“I can’t. I need to go. I’m not the man I was back then, Erin. Everything’s changed.”
I’ve no idea what he’s really trying to say, but the look on his face guts me.
As we stand staring at each other, my phone vibrates on the coffee table. Reality slams into me.
“That’s Alex.” I don’t mean to say it out loud, and I regret that I do instantly, because I watch the last little bit of Jay shatter in front of me.
He stares at me for another second before he turns and begins walking away.
My phone continues to vibrate and my heart breaks in two. I look down at the coffee table, then up to the door Jay just walked through. I don’t release I make the decision until I’m moving.
“Jay,” I call down the driveway.
He stops as he hears my voice but he doesn’t turn back.
I’m in front of him in seconds. My hands slide into his and our fingers lace together. I see some life come back into his eyes, and before I know what I’m doing, I reach up and kiss him.
He doesn’t react straight away, but I know his body well enough to know he’s not going to stop this.
When I pull back and give his hands a tug, he effortlessly follows my lead.
I’ve no idea what I’m doing. All I do know is that I can’t let him leave like this. I can’t allow him to be alone when he’s so lost inside his own nightmare.
I pull him back through the hallway and to the living room. I stay standing before him after pushing him down onto the sofa. As I look at his haunted face and dark eyes, something explodes inside me. Something I’m powerless to control.
I don’t bother second guessing my actions because I’m pretty sure nothing could stop me right now. Stepping forward, I watch as some life comes back into Jay’s eyes, like he can read my mind.
“Skittles?” he asks, but there’s no strength behind it. “What are you—”
His questioning soon turns to a gasp as I hitch my skirt up and straddle his lap. My hands land on his cheeks before my lips crash to his. He’s slow to respond; I think it’s the shock, but it’s not long before I feel his hands squeeze my arse and pull me tighter against him.
I kiss him until we’re both breathless, but it’s not enough. I need more of him. I need to rid him of his awful memories.
I kiss across his rough jaw before I start on his neck. I feel his pulse hammering against my lips and it only encourages me.
Seeing a small scar on his neck that I don’t remember being there before, I trace it with my fingertip before dropping my lips to it. I feel Jay flinch beneath me before his body stills.
When I pull back to look at him, there’s heat in his eyes that wasn’t there before, but the dark shadows are still present.
I grab onto the hem of my blouse and pull it up over my head. Jay’s eyes drop to my breasts, which are just about being contained by the thin fabric of my bra.
Reaching behind me, I unsnap my bra before going for Jay’s t-shirt. I want to feel his skin against mine. I just grab the fabric when I feel his hands stop me. I’m about to question him when he moves my hands towards the fly of his jeans. All thoughts leave my head as I make light work of popping the button open.
He helps me out by lifting his arse slightly so I can free him.
As I stare down, an eruption of excitement floods my body.
I waste no time in pulling my knickers to the side and lifting myself up. The desire to have him inside me is too strong.
A loud moan bubbles up my throat as I slide down on his length and I watch Jay’s jaw tense.
The second I’m fully seated, I lose control. With the help of his hands gripping my hips, I take him has hard and deep as I can. Sweat covers my skin as I push us towards our releases.
Jay’s hands leave my hips in favour of my breasts and he squeezes and pinches until I’m right on the cusp of my release.
“Fuck. Jay, fuck,” I pant as I begin to fall. I try to stifle my scream when my orgasms hits.
My movement becomes erratic as my body pulses with release. Jay’s hands return to my hips as he pumps up into me a few more times before he lets out his own growl and empties himself inside me.
I fall forward on his chest, my heated skin sticking to his t-shirt as my heart continues to pound.
As my body begins to chill, my brain starts to function again and reality seeps back in.
Pulling myself off him, I keep my eyes averted as the guilt sits heavy on my shoulders.
“Erin?”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Don’t ever apologise for that,” he says, his voice deep and gravelly. It’s sexy as hell.
“I think you need to leave.”
He stares at me for a few seconds. I can see his argument forming but at the last minute he agrees. In reality, him leaving is the last thing I want, but it’s the way it has to be.
I get myself off the sofa and grab my blouse to cover up. I’m suddenly very aware of my nakedness.
By the time I look up, he has his jeans done up and is standing by the door. The look on his face breaks my heart.
“When can I see you again? I still have so much I want to know,” he says, reminding me of what tonight was meant to be about.
I make a snap decision I might regret in the morning.
“It’s Denny’s birthday on Sunday. We’re going shopping for his party tomorrow. Come around for breakfast, and you can join us.”
“Really?” The hopeful look in his eyes makes my heart flutter.
“You want to get to know him, right?”
“Of course. I’ll be here.”
I stand, with only my head poking into the doorway so the neighbours can’t see my scantily clad body, and watch as Jay gets into that familiar white Porsche and drives away. I can’t help but smile as I lock the door and go to collect my clothing from the living room.
My happiness is cut short when I see another missed call from Alex.
Chapter Eight
I toss and turn all night as the memories from my time with Jay tonight mix with my guilt over Alex.
Our relationship over the past year has been perfect. Easy. But is that what I want long term? I’ve never been able to forget Jay. Is that why I’ve never jumped into my relationship with Alex with both feet? I’ve always been aware that I’ve taken things as slow as possible with him. Was I waiting for Jay?
By the time I hear Denny get up and come running in, I know what I need to do. It’s not fair to either Alex or Jay to continue like this. I need to find the strength to admit what I really want to and to make the changes needed.
“Good morning, baby,” I say when he runs and dives onto the bed. “I’ve got a surprise for you.” Big grey eyes look back at me in anticipation. They’re so similar to his dad’s it’s scary.
“Tell me, Mummy.”
“We’re going shopping to get all your birthday stuff.”
“I know that,” he says with a huff.
“Daddy’s coming with us.” The smile that spreads ac
ross his face almost splits it in two. It confirms I made the right decision when I invited Jay last night.
Denny’s buzzing as I prepare breakfast. He’s running around the house like a maniac, to the point I’m worried he’s going to crash before Jay even gets here.
I’m just starting to think he’s changed his mind because he’s over half an hour late, when I hear a knock.
“He’s here! He’s here!” Denny squeals excitedly as he runs full speed to the front door.
He’s stood staring at the latch he can’t quite reach when I get there. I swear I’ve never seen him this excited.
I suck in a deep breath and open the door.
Jay’s eyes meet mine for a beat before they drop to the small person stood practically vibrating next to me. They’re softer than I think I’ve ever seen, and the love I see shining in them melts me.
I continue watching as Jay steps forward slightly before dropping down to his haunches in front of Denny.
They stare at each other, both fascinated by the person stood in front of them.
A giant lump forms in my throat as I watch them.
“Hey, buddy. How’s it going?” There’s a slight quiver in his voice.
Denny doesn’t do anything and Jay’s eyes flick up to mine. They widen slightly when they take in my tears. I smile weakly at him in encouragement.
Jay turns back to Denny. “I…uh…got you this,” he says, pulling a stuffed knitted dinosaur from behind his back.
I try to contain my sob but it’s hopeless, and a couple of tears drop. I never thought I’d get to experience this.
All of a sudden, Denny launches himself at Jay. They almost crash to the floor but Jay manages to put his hand out to stop them. Denny wraps his arms around Jay’s neck and I watch as Jay returns the embrace.
I can only imagine how we must look to passersby as Jay and Denny stand there clinging to each other and I sob by the side of them.
It’s long minutes before Jay slowly stands, Denny still clinging to him like a monkey.
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