“You okay?” he mouths to me. Concern fills his eyes but when I nod he accepts it.
“Come on, you two. Breakfast’s not going to eat itself,” I say once I’ve wiped my cheeks with the back of my hands.
Denny looks up from Jay’s shoulder but makes no attempt to move, so he ends up being carried in.
The whole day feels like a dream. I never thought I’d get to experience this but here I am having spent the day with my son and his dad. I have to keep looking at both of them to remind myself it’s really happening.
“That’s it,” Jay says as he places the last of the bags down on the kitchen table.
We spent all day getting everything Denny could need for his birthday party tomorrow. He had it all planned out to be a train themed party for all his school friends, but since Jay gave him that stuffed toy earlier, things changed pretty quickly, and now everything’s dinosaurs.
“Daddy, come on!” Denny calls from the living room.
Jay gives me a look and I can tell he’s torn. Denny has lapped up every second of Jay’s attention today, and as much as I’ve loved watching them, I also selfishly need a little Jay time myself.
“It’s fine, you go play,” I say with a smile.
The sound of their chatter and laughter as they play together in the living room warms my heart as I put everything away and begin dinner. I haven’t asked Jay if he plans to stay, but he doesn’t seem to be making any attempt to escape yet, so I do enough for three.
* * *
“Denny, it’s bedtime,” I announce from my seat, watching him and Jay playing trains on the floor.
“Oh, Mummy…just another ten minutes,” he whines.
“You’re already late. You don’t want to be tired for your party,” I say, hoping the reminder of what tomorrow brings will get him moving.
“You’re coming, right?” he asks Jay excitedly.
He looks over at me, also wanting to know the answer to that question.
“Of course he is.”
“Yessss. Can Daddy tuck me in and read my story tonight?”
“If that’s okay with him,” I say, not wanting to throw Jay in right at the deep end.
“Uh…I guess. But I’ve never told a bedtime story before,” he admits.
“It’s easy,” Denny says, as if it should come naturally.
“If you say so, buddy.”
Denny comes over and gives me a cuddle before grabbing hold of Jay’s hand and pulling him from the room, announcing he can’t wait to show him his bedroom.
I sit where I am on the sofa with my legs curled up for a while, trying to get the idea that this is all real to settle into my head.
I listen to their footsteps and the rumble of Jay’s deep voice that filters down the stairs.
As incredible as today has been, I can’t help the guilt and the feeling of dread over what’s to going to happen. I’m not stupid; I know the coming days, weeks and months aren’t going to be easy, and I know I can’t keep putting off the inevitable. But this is so right that I want to stay in the moment, pretend none of that’s going to happen.
I hear the recognisable sound of Denny’s bed clunk when Jay puts his weight on it and I can’t stop myself.
I silently climb the stairs, desperate to hear what Jay’s going to do.
“Tell me about meeting my mummy,” Denny demands, and my heart pounds in my chest as a lump forms in my throat. He wants his usual bedtime story. Only, it’s from Jay’s point of view.
“You sure you don’t want one about dinosaurs?” Jay asks, and I can hear the apprehension in his voice.
“No.”
“Okay…well…I met her one night when I was out with friends. I saw her across the room and I knew instantly—”
“Knew what?”
“That she was going to change my life. She was the most beautiful woman in the room. I couldn’t believe my luck when she spoke to me.”
“Why did you go away?”
I hear Jay let out a big breath as he prepares to answer that question. “It was my job, buddy.”
“All this time?”
“Uh…yeah.”
“Are you staying now?”
“Yeah. I’m here to stay now.”
The confirmation that Jay’s not planning on going anywhere slams into me. I hadn’t even considered the possibility that he’s still in the army and would be going again at some point. For some reason, I just assumed he was done.
“Good. I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me too, buddy.”
“Daddy?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you love her?”
I suck in a sharp breath and my palms start to sweat. The silence stretches on and I begin to think Denny’s fallen asleep and Jay’s not going to answer.
“Yes. I’ve loved her from the minute I first saw her.”
I put my hand over my mouth but it doesn’t stop a loud sob falling from my lips.
“It’s time for you to go to sleep now,” I hear Jay say, his voice wavering ever so slightly.
He knows I’m here.
I push myself off the wall and race downstairs in the hope I’m wrong and wasn’t caught eavesdropping.
It takes longer than I expect for Jay to find me in the kitchen where I’m trying to busy myself with the washing up.
The second I hear his footsteps getting closer, butterflies erupt in my stomach. I don’t turn around, even when I know he’s stood in the doorway.
“We need to talk,” he warns after clearing his throat.
I put my hands on the worktop and lean forward slightly as I try to gather as much strength as possible. Whatever he wants to talk about right now isn't going to be easy.
I spin around. His hard stare is fixed on me but the second he sees I’ve been crying, his eyes soften slightly.
“This is how it should be,” he states, but his words confuse me.
“What?”
“This,” he says as he gestures around the kitchen. “This is how it should be. Us. Me, you…him. We should be a family, Erin.”
“We should.” But it’s not that easy. An unexpected wave of anger washes through me. “We could have been. All you had to do was come back.”
He looks as though I’ve just slapped him. “I’ve told you why—”
“Yes, and I get it, I do, Jay. But we were here waiting. We could have been there for you, through all of that. I didn’t care about anything other than having you here, with us. That was your decision to make.”
“I didn’t know I was making that decision. I didn’t know about him.” His voice starts to rise as his anger ignites. “You could have searched for me. I deserved to know.”
“I was pregnant, you abandoned me, my mum died, and I went into premature labour. I’m sorry if hunting down what I thought was a dead man wasn’t top of my fucking list. He could have fucking died, Jay. He was so early, and so small. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. So I’m sorry if you weren’t my first priority.”
Regret fills his eyes the second my words register and he crosses the room. He pulls me to him and although I’m fuming, I allow his embrace.
As soon as our bodies connect, I start to calm down.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers into the top of my head. “None of this is your fault. I’m sorry.”
“You’re right. I could have looked for you,” I admit, because I’m well aware of all the things I could have done. But every time I considered doing so, the thought of having his death confirmed broke me. So in the end, I decided ignorance was bliss, and I could continue with my life, believing he was out there somewhere.
Jay gently tugs on my hair and I pull back to look at him. The anger from before has gone, his face only showing sympathy and understanding.
“If I’d have found out for sure you were dead, I don’t know what I would’ve done,” I admit.
“What are we doing, Erin?”
I go to open my mouth but soon realise I don’t
have an answer.
“The two people I care about most in the world are playing house with another man.” A little bit of his previous anger pushes its way back in, and I realise he’s not angry at me, but with the situation.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “Alex is a good man, Jay. I shouldn’t be doing this to him.”
“Then don’t. End it.”
“What, just like that? Kick him out and invite you to fill his shoes?”
“I wouldn’t be filling his shoes, Erin. He’s in mine.” His voice is deep and his sudden possessiveness causes my belly to flutter excitedly.
“But—”
“No buts, Erin. I’m laying it out here for you in the simplest way I can. I want you; I want this. I want to continue where we left off. I want to be a family, and I think you want that too. But you’re the one who’s going to have to make it happen. I refuse to be the other man in your life, Erin. I should be the man in your life.”
I stare at him, my mind spinning with everything he’s just told me. I should be ecstatic, and I am, in a way, because I do want everything he just said.
“You need to decide what you want, Erin. I hate to do this to you but you need to know that if you choose him, I’m not going to be around to watch him bring up my son.”
“That’s not fair, Jay.”
“I don’t give a fuck. He has what’s mine, and I will not stand around and watch him live my life.”
I swallow as his words settle into my brain.
If I don’t choose him, that’s it for us. Denny’s smiling face from today flashes in my mind.
“You need to seriously think about what you want, Erin.”
His arms fall from around me and he takes a step back. Coldness engulfs me and I wrap my arms around my middle.
“If you decide it’s not me, I’ll walk away and allow you to live your life. But if it is me, then I can assure you, I’m claiming everything that’s rightfully mine.”
I nod as he continues to back away.
“Denny’s party,” I manage to get out.
“I’ll be here. But I’ll be waiting.”
I blink and he’s gone, leaving behind his heavy words and two possibilities for the future.
I stand there for a long time, staring at the empty doorway where he laid out his ultimatum. As much as I understand his reasons for putting me in this position, I also hate him for it. How can he tell me that if I decide to stay with the man who’s been there for me through everything over the past year, he’ll be gone? How can he put the decision as to whether Denny will see his dad again on me like that?
I fall down onto one of the dining room chairs as I continue to play out each possibility in my mind.
None of this is fair. Not for me, not for Jay and certainly not for Denny, who is mostly oblivious to what’s going on around him and how one decision from me could change his life forever.
Then there’s Alex. I only asked him to move in with me recently. He thinks we’re going somewhere, that we’re a family. How could I possibly tell him it’s over? I know I’d have a good life with him.
But is good enough?
What Jay gave me in just those two weeks we had together was more than good. It was incredible.
“Fuck,” I shout, pushing the magazine that’s in front of me off the table. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
I try to put everything to one side as I concentrate on making the birthday cake I promised for Denny. I’ve been practicing icing trains for weeks for this thing, and then Jay appears and suddenly I’ve got to make dinosaurs. Bloody typical. I guess it’s just proof that life with him definitely wouldn’t be boring.
I’ve almost finished when my phone starts ringing.
“Hey, baby. Actually answering my call tonight,” Alex says with a laugh and I feel like I’m dying inside.
“Sorry, I’ve been busy with the leak, and I’ve started designing for the summer collection.” I hate how confident I sound, reeling off those two lies. In reality, I haven’t done much of either.
“Everything ready for the birthday boy tomorrow?”
“Yeah, I think so. I’m just finishing off his cake.”
“Send me a picture.”
“I will,” I say, and then wonder how I’m going to explain the dinosaurs.
“I miss you, baby.”
“You too.”
“I hate sleeping alone again. I’d just got used to having someone to cuddle every night.”
“Aw, well, you’ll be back soon.” I want to sound like I miss him too, but even I can tell that I don’t sound all that bothered. “Listen, I’ve got to get some final bits done for tomorrow; can I call you in the morning?”
“Oh…yeah sure. FaceTime me so I can wish Denny happy birthday?”
“Of course. I’ll see you soon.”
“I love you, Erin,” he says, and it feels like someone’s ripping my heart out.
“You, too. Night.”
I quickly hang up the phone, achingly aware that I couldn’t have made it any more obvious that something’s wrong.
My phone starts ringing again before I even have chance to put it down. My stomach drops, thinking I’m either going to have to come clean over the phone when he’s miles away, or lie through my teeth—again.
I breathe a sigh of relief when I see Frankie’s name on my screen.
“Hey,” I say putting my phone to my ear.
“What’s wrong?”
I burst into tears.
“I’m on my way.”
Chapter Nine
“Happy birthday to you…” I sing when I open Denny’s door the next morning. He smiles wide when his sleep fogged brain registers what today is.
“I’m five!” he announces happily.
“You are, baby,” I confirm as I wonder where the hell the past five years have gone. “Now get up and dressed. We’ve got a party to prepare for.”
“Is Daddy still coming?”
“I think so,” I say, because after last night I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he avoids it.
“Happy birthday!” Frankie says when we join her in the kitchen a while later.
“Aunt Frankie, why are you here?”
“To celebrate, silly.”
In truth, Frankie decided I needed a girls’ night in after our brief phone call last night, so as well as bringing two bottles of wine, she packed her stuff and announced she was staying the night.
We spent hours going back and forth over what I was going to do, and I went to bed thinking I’d made my decision. Now I’ve got a slightly fresher head on my shoulders, I’m not so sure.
Frankie’s words from last night come back to haunt me. “If you wait until you’re 100% sure, it could be too late,” she warned. And I know she’s right, but it doesn’t make any of this easier.
I make us pancakes for breakfast, and Frankie insists on sticking a candle in Denny’s so he can blow it out. “Practice for later,” she says, putting the plate down in front of him.
When she looks up at me, she must be able to tell where my head’s at because she gives me a sympathetic smile.
“It’ll be okay,” she says once Denny’s left the room.
“I know. I hate this.”
“Well, that’s what happens when you jump into bed with another man.” I fix her a hard stare. “Sorry,” she mutters sheepishly. “It’s true though.”
I can’t deny she’s right.
* * *
The kids are due to arrive in thirty minutes. Denny’s already running around like he’s spent all morning downing Red Bull. I send him to the living room to check for the fifth time that everything is as he wants it and all his toys are tidy, while I plop myself down on one of the dining room chairs with a coffee.
“Remind me why I’m doing this,” I say to Frankie when I look over at her sympathetic but amused eyes.
“Because you love him and you’ll do anything to make him happy.”
I barely have time to take a sip of coffee before
the door is knocked.
“I’ll go,” Frankie offers, but I tell her to stay put and go myself. It’ll only confuse the parents if she’s at the door.
When I pull it open, though, I start to wish I’d allowed her to, because stood in the doorway looking a little unsure of himself is Jay.
“Hey,” I say sheepishly. “I wasn’t sure if…” I trail off, because he knows exactly what I’m thinking.
“I told him I’d be here, so I am.”
“Okay,” I whisper, swallowing down my emotion. “Denny, guess who’s here,” I call out behind me, needing the distraction.
Denny runs out and squeals in excitement when he sees not only Jay but the giant present in his hands.
“You didn’t have to at such short—” His hard stare stops my words.
He allows Denny to pull him to the living room, and I just about manage to breathe a sigh of relief when he looks back at the last minute. His eyes are begging me to make a decision. To choose him and our family.
“Was that—” Frankie goes to ask, but she can obviously tell by the look on my face who it was. “Everything’s going to be okay, Erin. Get today over, and then you can get everything sorted.”
“Yes, it’ll all be fine,” I say with a confidence I don’t feel.
Jay keeps himself hidden away in the living room with Denny. I’m dying to know what he bought him, but I also don’t think us being in the same room as each other is wise if he’s going to keep giving me that look.
I busy myself with greeting Denny’s friends and making small talk with their parents. All but a couple capitalise on their child free time and make a run for it the second they’ve handed over their little darling.
“Everything okay?” Frankie asks from her position of filling up plastic dinosaur cups.
“Yep, so far so good.”
* * *
Frankie, Jay and I are busy dishing out the sandwiches for the kids’ indoor picnic when the front door bangs shut.
“Who’s that?” Frankie asks. When I look up, I can see she’s having the exact same thought as me, because her eyes are wide with panic. She glances over my shoulder to Jay, and then we both look to the doorway and wait. He’s completely oblivious as he continues handing out sausage rolls to hungry children.
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