“What, Jay?”
“I’m not like you remember.”
“What are you talking about?” I was so close to coming that my brain’s all over the place.
He thinks for a couple more seconds before he lets out a breath and pulls his jumper over his head.
I suck in a breath as his familiar torso comes into view—the one I remember watching every morning as he did his sit ups. I run my eyes down over his shoulders and pecs, and see black script on the inside of his left arm that wasn’t there before.
“Let me see,” I say, holding my hand out to him.
His hand slides into mine and he steps forward. I reach my fingers out to run them over the ink.
Everywhere and nowhere is etched permanently on his upper arm. Underneath, there are Roman numerals.
“What are they for?”
“The day we met.”
A giant lump forms in my throat. He never forgot us. My hand comes up to my mouth as I try to keep my emotions in check.
“That wasn’t what I was talking about, though.”
“Wha—” My question is cut off as he drops his jeans and turns around. My eyes widen and my mouth drops open.
“Oh,” I whisper as I run my eyes over the scars across his back and down his legs.
His head’s down and his shoulders are slumped in defeat as he waits for my reaction.
I crawl across the bed, get up on my knees and reach out. I gently press my finger to the scar I found the other night, but didn’t think anything of. Jay’s entire body flinches at my contact. I let my fingers trail across his shoulders and down his spine as I lean forward and place a kiss between his shoulder blades.
It’s only then I remember that he kept his clothes on both times we’ve been together. I didn’t think anything of it, but it’s so obvious now.
“Jay,” I whisper. “None of this matters to me. Of course I love the outside of you, but it’s what’s on the inside that I really care about.”
I feel him hold his breath as I talk, and he slowly lets it out once I’ve stopped. After a second, he turns back to me and drops his boxers.
We stare at each other and in that second, something passes between us. I don’t get time to put any thought into it, because I’m suddenly pushed back on the bed. He pulls my legs apart, and within seconds, he’s lined up and my entrance.
“You’re fucking perfect. You know that, right?” he asks as he thrusts forward.
I grunt as he hits as deep as he possibly can before pulling out and repeating it over and over. Sweat starts to run down his brow as he loses control.
I watch as the muscles in his neck and chest tense with his impending release.
“Come, Erin,” he demands as he presses his thumb to my clit. I was so lost watching him I hadn’t registered that I’m right there. He grinds his hips into me and I fall over the edge on a scream.
His weight lands on top of me and I wrap my arms around him. He stills when my hands touch his scarred skin, but he soon relaxes into the embrace.
* * *
When I wake, I stretch my arm out to find him, but only cold sheets greet me.
Pulling my arm back, I allow myself a couple of seconds to reflect on everything that happened last night with Alex, and this morning with Jay.
A sudden panic has me jumping from the bed, but I breathe a sigh of relief when I see it’s only just after lunch. I would have never forgiven myself if I fell asleep and missed picking Denny up.
My muscles pull as I make my way to the shower. Of course I’m desperate to find out if Jay’s still here, but I’m happy to put off the words I need to say to him. I wash myself quickly as I rehearse my speech in my head. I know he’s not going to be happy, but I just hope he understands my reasons.
I throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before heading downstairs to see if he’s still here. Everything’s silent as I descend the stairs and I start to think he’s left. Relief floods me as I think about putting off this conversation for a little while longer.
A figure slumped at the dining room table startles me when I walk into the kitchen. He obviously didn’t hear me coming, but my presence makes him look up at the last minute. When his eyes meet mine, they’re dark and haunted.
I stare back at him, unable to form words to ask what’s wrong.
Dread fills me that he’s regretting this. That I’ve just thrown everything I had with Alex away for him. My concerns are soon put to rest when he speaks though.
“No one’s ever…” he starts, his voice deep and troubled. “I’ve not told…”
The pain in his voice has me rushing over to him. He moves back from the table slightly and it allows me space to sit on his lap.
“It’s okay,” I whisper as I wrap my arms around his shoulders. He freezes when I go to run my hands down his back, but he soon relaxes into my embrace.
“I’m sorry. It just brings it all back. I don’t care what you say, you wouldn’t have wanted me if I came up to you that day. My legs were fucked, the muscles and ligaments shredded by debris, my burns were slowly healing…but that was only the beginning, because it was my head that caused the biggest problems. I could cope with my body; that would heal. But the constant images in my mind, seeing my guys lying there, dead and dying. Knowing it should have been me. If it wasn’t for Jonny, I’d have died that day, and back then I wished I had. Fuck, Erin. You were the only positive thing I had, but I couldn’t come to you like that. It wasn’t fair.”
I pull my head out of his neck so I can look at him. The lone tear I see slowly running down his cheek breaks my heart. I reach out and catch it with my thumb.
“I’m here now, Jay. I’m here,” I say softly as I wrap my arms around him tightly once again.
We stay in our embrace at the dining room table for the longest time. When I eventually feel Jay’s hold on me loosen a little and I look up at him, I’m pleased to see a bit of his usual sparkle back in his eyes.
“So what’s next for us, Skittles?”
My heart drops as I’m reminded of the words I was rehearsing in the shower. This isn’t going to go well, and in the aftermath of what he’s just told me and what he’s been through, I feel like the biggest twat on the planet, but I’ve got to do it.
I look into his gorgeous grey eyes and take a breath. There’s question in them and his brows draw together. “I need some time, Jay.”
“What for?” he asks.
“I need some time for myself, to get my head together and my life back on track. The last few weeks have screwed everything up. I need some time with Denny to attempt to explain what’s going on, why Alex has suddenly left his life, and I’m sure he’s still confused about where you came from.”
I watch as his features harden once again. “What exactly are you saying here?”
“Nothing’s going to happen with us yet,” I whisper.
“But…” he starts, but I put my fingers up to his lips to halt him.
“I chose you, Jay. It’s over with Alex, but I need some time. Just because he’s moved out, doesn’t it doesn’t mean I’m moving you straight in.”
“But—”
“No buts, Jay. I need this. Denny needs this.”
Jay pushes me from his lap and I stumble to keep my footing. He stands and the chair crashes to the floor behind him as he paces across the room.
“You’ve had five years, Erin. Isn’t that long enough? We’re a family, we should be together.”
“And we will be,” I say softly. “I want this, Jay, more than anything, but I will not rush into it.”
“This is bullshit,” he spits. “How long?”
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly.
“And what about in the meantime? I go back to the garage and wait? Wait for my life to restart?”
His words threaten to break me, but I need this. I need to think of myself and Denny, do what’s right for us.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“This is fucking bollocks, E
rin.”
“I’ll come to you, when I’m ready.”
“Well you’d better hope I’m fucking there.”
The slamming of the front door reverberates through the house. My knees buckle and I fall to the floor.
The last thing I want to do is hurt him. He’s been through enough, but I want to do everything right this time.
The rest of the day goes by in a daze. I collect Denny, make his dinner, do all the usual things, but I feel like I’m watching it all happen from outside my own body. It’s been like that since Jay left. I can’t get his parting words from my head. “Well you’d better hope I’m fucking there.” He wouldn’t leave. Would he? I told him I’ve chosen him. He’s got a family here. Surely he must understand my need for a little time.
My phone pings and hope rushes through me that he’s calmed down and is texting to apologise. My heart drops when I get to my phone because it’s not him. It’s Alex.
I’m coming to collect my stuff in the morning.
There’s no asking. It’s just a statement. I wonder if his calmness has worn off.
I don’t respond. It doesn’t sound like he needs one, but instead I text Jay.
I type and retype my message over and over. I don’t know how to put into words what it is I really want to say to him. In the end I go with simple.
I’m sorry. I’ll be there soon, I promise x
I don’t get a response. I’m not all that surprised, but when I see he’s read it, my hope rises a little.
I get myself ready for bed. I’m not sure why I really bother; I won’t be sleeping. I grab my sketchbook from my workshop, thinking I may be able to make use of my time.
I’m flicking my pen against the page trying to find some inspiration when something catches my eye.
My ring’s gone. The one Jay gave me the day he left. The one I haven’t taken off since, and the one I told Alex was from my dad so he wouldn’t question me wearing it.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I jump out of bed and start pulling the covers off, praying that it’ll fall out any minute. I must make and remake the bed five times before I give up and drop down on my hands and knees.
I turn the entire house upside down, but come up empty.
“How is this happening?” I sob into my hands as I sit back against the living room wall. It’s got to be here somewhere.
By the time the sun starts to rise, the only room that hasn’t been searched through is Denny’s, because I didn’t want to disturb him. But I’ll be straight in there when I get back from dropping him at school.
In my panic, I completely forget about Alex coming over, so when I hear a loud bang downstairs, my heart jumps into my throat. That is, until I hear his voice.
“Hiding upstairs with your new, or should I say old, man? Fucking him on the bed I used to make love to you on, are you?” His angry words confuse me as they register. It might sound like Alex’s voice, but I’ve never heard him so spiteful and cruel.
I’m exhausted, and as I pull myself out from under Denny’s bed, all I want to do is cry.
“Too scared to face me now I know the truth?” he continues to shout as I hear things being thrown about.
Taking a calming breath and wiping the tears that have been continually falling since I discovered my missing ring, I start to head downstairs.
I’m stood on the bottom step when Alex appears from the kitchen. His face is hard and angry. It’s almost like I’m looking at a different person those first few seconds. Then, as soon as he sees me stood there, his face softens. I watch as his anger leaves him.
I know him well enough to know that he wants to be angry. He wants to shout and mean all those things he just said, but that’s not who he is. He’s calm, and thoughtful and loving. He takes everything in his stride and doesn’t let anything get on top of him. Many people admire that about him, and at the beginning of our relationship, I did. He reminded me of myself back before I met Jay. I was that quiet person who rolled with everything. I thought that Alex would be perfect for me. And to a point, I was right. We had a good life together but it wasn’t until Jay reappeared that I realised how much I missed the excitement he’d shown me. How sometimes I needed that argument, the passion, to be able to get it all out. I never had that with Alex. If I was angry and accused him of something, he’d calm me down and get me to talk it out when all I wanted was for him to scream back at me.
It’s glaringly obvious to me now that what I saw in Alex was the exact opposite to what I had with Jay. He left such a gaping hole in my life when he didn’t come back that I couldn’t risk being with someone like that again, so I went for safe, easy.
As he looks at me, I see love in his eyes just like every other time he’s looked at me. He’s trying so hard to hurt me like I have him, but he’s just not got it in him.
“I’m—”
“Do not even think about apologising. You’ve done nothing wrong. This is all on me. I deserve all those things you said and more, Alex.”
He puts the stuff in his arms down. “I don’t think I have much more here. I never really moved in properly. I guess I knew it was coming,” he says sadly.
I think the fact he knew I was going to break his heart hurts me more than if he was shouting at me right now. He knew it was coming yet he stayed here anyway.
I nod at him, unable to speak through the emotion clogging my throat. I sit myself down on the bottom step as Alex wanders in and out of each room, collecting his belongings and putting them into the bags he brought.
“I’m glad to see you at least allowed me to get all this before you moved him in,” he says with a tight laugh when he returns with the last of it.
“It’s not like that, Alex.”
I can tell by the look on his face that he’s desperate to ask me more, to find out what’s going on, why I look as horrendous as I probably do, because he’s just that nice a guy. But thankfully, he doesn’t. Not that I have any intention of explaining my issues with Jay to him, anyway.
Alex leaves a couple of minutes later. He looks like he wants to hug me as he says goodbye, but I keep my arms wrapped around my middle and he stands there awkwardly, telling me not be to a stranger. I love his positivity but I don’t think we can ever be friends after this. Every time I look at him, I’m sure all the guilt I’ve been carrying around for the past few weeks would just slam right back into me. I’ll never forgive myself for what I’ve done to him. He didn’t deserve any of this.
I drag my exhausted body back upstairs and put Denny’s room back together. I continue to tell myself the ring’s got to be here somewhere, but I have this horrible feeling in my gut that it’s gone. Just another thing in a long line of things I’ve fucked up.
I settle myself on the sofa with a coffee and put the TV on for some background noise. Loose Women chat away, but I don’t hear any of it. I let out a huge sigh as I stare down at my naked finger.
Chapter Eleven
Jay
The whiskey doesn’t burn anymore. It’s lost its effect of distracting me and easing the pain.
She’s had five fucking years. Why the fuck does she feel the need to have more time? She’s had plenty.
I bring the bottle back up to my lips. I gave up on a glass days ago.
I think back to that morning all those weeks ago in the coffee shop. I knew it was her the second she walked through the door. As I watched her from the corner, I felt everything click back into place. I’d been to hell and back in the past five years and I’d got to the point where I thought I could cope knowing I wasn’t ever going to see her again.
Returning to Bristol was a huge decision. I’d been down south with Jonny as we both recovered, and I had no intention of returning, until one day I got the phone call I was dreading. It was the hospital calling to tell me Arthur had had a stroke.
I’d promised him years before that when the time came, I’d ensure his business continued. It had been in his family for generations but he never married or had
kids. I was the closest thing he had to family, so I always knew I was going to inherit it. I never planned to be the one running it—not for a few years, at least. I’d always thought I’d stay in the army until they kicked me out, and then I’d have the garage to fall back on.
But when the time came, I was hauled up inside Jonny’s one bed flat, sleeping on his sofa with no life. I decided maybe it was the wake-up call I needed. I knew I couldn’t keep it up, so I packed my stuff and got on the train to Bristol. I was so low, I didn’t even own a car.
The garage was running fairly smoothly, Arthur had worked until the second before he had the stroke. Dean had been there since he was sixteen, so the business was going to be fairly easy to run.
It wasn’t long before I started to feel more and more like my old self again. Getting back under the bonnet of a car helped massively, and I soon wondered why I hadn’t thought of doing it before.
I bought myself a clapped out old Porsche and rebuilt the entire thing. It felt good to be re-joining the world again, but there was no doubt something was missing.
Then I saw her again.
She was even more beautiful than I remembered, and the second I saw her, I immediately wondered if I’d made the wrong decision five years ago. I told myself it was pointless questioning it. It felt right at the time, and what’s done is done.
I watched her intently as she was waiting in line and placed her order. I didn’t think she was going to notice me, and I was in two minds as to whether that was a good thing or not when she glanced up.
I kept my head down so I couldn’t see her reaction, but I felt it. I was just about to stand when she ran. I hoped what I did hadn’t changed her.
I thought that was it. My one little glance of heaven, of what could’ve been, to tease me as I began to rebuild my life. I wasn’t expecting fate to jump in once again and force us together.
* * *
“Bax, you look like shit,” Arthur says when I walk into the care home lounge the next afternoon.
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