I feel sick when a shadow falls across the entrance to the living room, and seconds later the inevitable happens.
Alex comes to a stop in the doorway, his hands full with a giant bunch of flowers and a blue gift bag.
“Surprise,” he announces. “Happy birthday, little man.”
Denny’s face lights up at the same time Jay’s drops. He was having a hard time dealing with the fact there was a man in my life, but I think it was made easier by the fact he’d never been able to put a face to him.
It takes Alex a few seconds before he notices Jay’s death glare, but when he does look up, his mouth drops instantly.
Alex’s eyes run over every inch of Jay’s face as if he must be imagining things, while Jay’s face only becomes harder, more serious.
They stare at each other for long minutes. The kids are unaware of the tension falling around the room and continue stuffing their faces.
I feel Frankie step up to me and her hand wrap around my forearm. “Go talk to him, welcome him home. And unless you want to have this conversation now, in front of an audience, you’re going to need to look excited that he’s here.”
I let out a breath and plaster a smile on my face. “Oh my god, Alex! I wasn’t expecting you.” My voice sounds ridiculous, all high and squeaky, and I know Frankie is rolling her eyes at my attempt of excitement behind me.
“Let’s go and get you a coffee, you must be exhausted,” I say once I’ve given him a very tedious kiss. I can feel Jay’s stare burning into the back of my head.
I grab Alex’s hand and I’m surprised when I feel him follow me. I was expecting at least a bit of a fight.
We walk through the hallway, past the small bag he dropped by the front door. No words are spoken but I can feel the tension radiating from him.
“Erin?” he asks the second I come to a stop in the kitchen.
I ignore him a while longer as I faff around with the coffee machine and try to gather my thoughts.
“Erin?” he asks again, a little harsher this time.
Turning around, I lean back against the counter before I risk a look up at him. I was expecting to see anger etched into his features, his lips to be in a thin line and his eyes accusing, but I see none of that. All I see is Alex. The guys who’s done everything he can to make me happy, to show me he loves me. The man who’s told me countless times how he wants to build a life with me, grow our family together.
I let out a giant breath I didn’t know I was holding, as I will the tears stinging my eyes to stay put.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks calmly. I was expecting shouting, anger, not this.
“It was all a bit of a surprise.”
“How long has he—” his question is cut off as Frankie pokes her head into the kitchen.
“Sorry, we need more sandwiches,” she says as she tiptoes into the room and grabs them as if her sneaking will mean she’s not here.
“I couldn’t say no to Denny,” is all I say to whatever Alex’s question was going to be as I grab the plate of cooling chicken nuggets behind me and practically run from the room.
Fuck.
The next few hours are the most awkward of my life. I do my best to stay away from Jay so I don’t arouse Alex’s suspicions any more than I already have, but that only means Jay’s glances and attempts to get my attention increase. I also don’t miss the increasingly cold looks he gives to Alex every time he speaks to me. Jay’s doing the best job he can at marking his territory, and it’s pissing me off. He may as well just pee all over the room.
For some reason though, Alex is either oblivious to all of this going on around him, or he’s playing a very good game by appearing to be unaffected by Jay’s presence.
Thankfully, as the party begins to wind down, I notice Jay grab his jacket. I prepare myself for what he might say. Will he remind me of his ultimatum, or will his anger over Alex’s appearance get the better of him?
Fortunately—or unfortunately, I’m not really sure—after Jay says his goodbye to Denny, he disappears through the front door. He doesn’t even look my way.
“I think there are going to be fireworks,” Frankie whispers in my ear after watching Jay’s silent departure.
“Not helpful, Kiki.”
“Just making sure you know what’s coming your way. Alex is too quiet, and Jay’s about to blow. It’s not going to be pretty.”
“I know,” I snap.
* * *
“Thanks for your help today, Frankie,” Alex says when he joins us in the kitchen with more rubbish. The kids left over ten minutes ago, so we’re all attempting to tidy up after them. “But you don’t have to stay for this. Head off home and enjoy your afternoon.”
I look over my shoulder at Alex to see the darkness I was expecting when he first laid eyes on Jay earlier starting to creep in.
“Uh…okay,” Frankie says. “I’ll…uh…ring you tomorrow, E.”
“Okay. Thank you,” I say as she leaves the room to find Denny.
Alex takes over Frankie’s position of drying up and we work silently side by side. The atmosphere is horrendous. He clearly has plenty he wants to say about the situation, and I wish he’d just come out with it.
Alex is still eerily calm all evening, and as the minutes pass by, I’m more and more on edge. But I refuse to have this out with him while Denny’s awake to witness it.
“I’ve run you a bath,” Alex says sweetly once I’ve got Denny to bed.
“Oh…thank you.” I’m more than grateful. After a day dealing with not only hyperactive four and five year olds but also having Jay and Alex in the same room, I’m very ready for some relaxation. But this wasn’t how I was expecting our evening to go.
Deciding to make the most of it, I grab myself a glass of wine and settle into the bath. It’s anything but relaxing. My head’s spinning. What’s going on with Alex? Surely he has questions about Jay’s sudden appearance. He has to be a little curious as to why I haven’t told him he’d be here today—or that he’s even alive. Then there’s Jay, who’s also messing with my head. The look on his face when he saw Alex for the first time. He was devastated. His imagination was obviously only so good, because having a face to put to the man I’ve been living with ripped him apart.
I end up getting out long before I usually would. I’m all over the place and the anticipation of my impending conversation with Alex has my stomach turning.
He’s sat on the sofa with a beer, watching the TV when I appear not long later. He glances over and smiles. Why is he being like this?
“I’ve ordered Chinese. I didn’t think you’d be up for cooking.”
“Thank you.”
Once I’ve refilled my wine, I join him. I fall back on to the sofa and let out a big breath.
“Bet you’re glad that’s over with. Do you think maybe you should have a party somewhere else next year? Soft play or something?” He’s got a little smug smile on his face because he told me from the very beginning I’d regret having it here.
“Yeah, I think so. That was exhausting.”
Alex looks at me for a few seconds longer, as if he’s waiting for me to say something, but when I don’t, he starts telling me about the new club he’s been helping set up this week.
It’s weird. Really weird.
Dinner arrives and we sit and eat like it’s any other night. The only difference is that my wine goes down way better than usual.
It’s not until Alex suggests we head to bed that I realise something’s missing. There haven’t been any little touches; he hasn’t leant over to kiss me during the adverts like he usually would.
As I climb the stairs, I feel the weight of what I’m about to do press down on me. I need to put a stop to this. I shouldn’t be getting into bed with Alex like everything’s okay. It feel like the conversation I need to have with him is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It seemed simple when I was talking to Frankie about it last night, when Alex was so far away, but now he’s he
re, following me up to the bed we share, it doesn’t feel so easy.
I go about my usual routine. I remove my make-up, brush my teeth and hair, and pull on a pair of pyjamas.
The sight of Alex propped up against the headboard, clearly naked, turns my stomach. I hate myself for what I’ve been doing, for what I’ve done to him.
“What’s wrong?”
My mouth goes so dry I don’t think I could get words out even if I wanted to.
I stand frozen to the spot as we stare at each other. The words I need to say are right on the tip of my tongue, but when he flicks the covers back, encouraging me to join him, I do just that.
I lie flat on my back with my arms pinned to my sides. It’s only then I realise my head’s spinning from the three large glasses of wine I’ve had.
My eyes are shut but I feel Alex peering down at me. My heart pounds so hard I can feel it in my fingers.
The second his hand lands on my waist, I flinch. My eyes spring open in surprise but I soon shut them again. Being able to see him only makes this worse.
His lips press to mine but I don’t respond. He doesn’t seem to notice, or he doesn’t care, because he trails soft kisses across my jaw and down my neck. He whispers how much he’s missed me the past week, but his words don’t have the effect they usually would.
It’s when he starts kissing down over my collarbone that I start to panic.
“Alex, no,” I whisper, but I don’t move.
His whole body stops for second as he waits for me to continue, but I don’t.
When his hand slides over my waist again, I rush to push it off and I sit bolt upright in bed. My eyes are wide as I stare at the wall ahead of me.
“I’m sorry. I can’t,” I whisper.
“I know.”
I turn to look at him and find him sat with his forearms resting across his knees. The muscles in his shoulders are pulled tight and he has a deep frown line between his brows.
“I know, Erin.”
“Know what?”
“That you’ve been seeing him behind my back,” he says calmly.
My mouth drops open and I stare at him. He knows. How can he know?
“My mum saw you out with him yesterday. I didn’t believe her so I came back to find out the truth.” He pauses and my heart continues to plummet. “And here he was. In the house I live in, with the woman I love, and the boy I think of as my own.”
His words gut me, and tears start to pour down my cheeks, yet the words I need to say don’t come.
“You’ve never completely given yourself over to me. I always felt like he’d kept a part of you. It’s how I knew you were lying when you said he was dead. If he was, he’d have let you go. I always knew that if he came back for you, I would never be the one you’d choose.”
I swipe at my cheeks to clear the tears, but more take their place.
“How long’s it been going on for, Erin?”
“Since my car broke down,” I whisper. “He was the guy you sent to rescue me.”
I don’t expect him to laugh, but that’s exactly what he does. “So if I’d have come for you that day, this might not have happened?”
I shake my head.
“No, you’re right. This was always going to happen. It was just a case of when. Why did you ask me to move in with you?” His voice is so calm and steady. Why isn’t he shouting at me? Why isn’t he screaming that I betrayed him?
“Because I thought it was the right thing to do.”
The bed creaks and I watch as he gets up and starts pulling his clothes on.
“Why did you wait until now to bring this up? Why that?” I ask, pointing down at the mattress.
“Because I wanted you to tell me, Erin. I didn’t want to drag it from you.” It’s the first time he’s allowed any emotion into his voice. “Don’t you think you owe me the truth?”
I nod at him as I shift around, pulling the duvet around myself and following his movement as he pulls a suitcase from under the bed and begins filling it with his clothes. His hands shake as he tries to fold a t-shirt.
“How many times?” His question confuses me to start with, but as soon as I realise what he’s asking, I look away. “How many times, Erin?”
“T…Twice.”
“When?”
I look away again, not waiting to answer that question but knowing I have no choice.
“The night I dropped his car off.” I say it so quietly I’m convinced he hasn’t heard.
There’s a long pause before he responds.
“The night we went out to celebrate me moving in. Of course,” he says with a laugh that’s anything but amused. “And?”
“The other night.”
“So what were you planning on doing, then? Stringing us both along for as long as you could?” he snaps, his voice getting a little harsher.
“No, Alex, no. I didn’t want any of this. I never wanted to hurt you. I thought you could move in and we could get on with our lives. I didn’t expect seeing him again would affect me the way it has, and I didn’t expect him to want me, to want us.”
“But he does.”
I nod.
“You’re his, Erin. You always have been. I can beg, plead, get angry and shout all I like, but I know it won’t make any difference. I’ve known for a long time this was going to happen, but I’d convinced myself it was all in my head. When Mum’s call came, I wasn’t surprised one bit. You’ve been acting weird for weeks so it wasn’t hard to figure out what was going on. I just hoped I was wrong,” he admits as he zips up the case.
“I’m so sorry, Alex.”
“I know you are. I know you, Erin. I know you wouldn’t have done this intentionally, but you’ve done it nonetheless. I may not be shouting at you right now but do not take that to mean I don’t care or that it doesn’t hurt. It hurts like a motherfucker. I’ll be back for the rest of my stuff and to say goodbye to Denny,” he says all of a sudden.
And then, he’s gone.
I listen to his feet run down the stairs before the front door slams and his car starts.
What the fuck was that? I ask myself as I stay sat cross-legged on the bed.
Have I been so transparent this entire time that he knew deep down I’d never let Jay go? How did he see that when I couldn’t even see it myself?
I fall back on the bed and stare up at the ceiling as I run our conversation through my head again and again, trying to figure it all out.
Chapter Ten
I don’t get a second of sleep. I’m either still dissecting last night’s conversation with Alex, or practicing what I need to say to Jay.
I texted him in the middle of the night, asking him to come over once Denny’s at school, and the longer I sit here waiting for that knock at the door, the more nervous I get.
This is going to be fine, I tell myself. He’s going to understand.
When the knock comes, I jump to my feet. Nervous energy rushes through my body and gives me the strength I need to get up.
Jay doesn’t say anything when I open the door. He just steps forward, forcing me to move out of his way, and looks around. I’ve no idea what he’s looking for until I see his gaze land on the coat hooks and shoe rack.
It’s only then I realise there’s a lack of male items.
“Please,” he begs. “Tell me it’s over. Tell me you asked me here because he’s gone.”
I stare at him, the intensity in his grey eyes holding mine hostage.
“Erin, please. I need to know you’re mine, and mine alone.”
I can’t force any words out so I nod once. But that’s enough.
The next thing I know, my back hits the hallway wall and Jay’s mouth is on mine. His tongue forces its way in and teases mine until it joins in.
He lifts me from the floor and forces my legs to wrap around his waist. He’s rough and his fingers dig into my thighs as his hips pin me to the wall. His kiss continues as his hands start to work their way up my body. He skims over my waist
before grabbing onto my breasts. He squeezes and a moan rumbles in my throat.
I hear pinging at the same time cool air hits my stomach. When I look down, I see him staring at my almost naked chest where he ripped my shirt open.
His hands come to my arse and he lifts me high enough so he can pull the cup of my bra down with his teeth. The second my nipple is free he pulls it into his mouth and sucks hard before I feel his teeth press down.
I’m panting as I feel him start to ascend the stairs. By the time were at the top, I’m desperate for more. My muscles clench as I try to rub myself against him for some friction.
“My girl’s so impatient,” he says as we both fall down onto the bed.
His lips come back to mine and he continues to rid me of my clothes until I’m naked for him.
I feel his eyes burn a trail over every inch of my body, but in no time, I feel him lean back over me, continuing his torture of my breasts.
“Jay, more,” I moan when the teasing of my nipples isn’t enough.
He runs kisses down my stomach as he pushes my legs open.
“Fucking perfect,” he mutters to himself before I feel a finger run down the length of me.
My hips buck from the bed. “Someone’s sensitive. Looks like we’re about to have some fun.” His tongue is on me almost before he’s finished talking.
My hands scratch at his head and over his shoulders as he licks and sucks at me. “Don’t come, not yet,” he says as he pulls away for a second.
It takes everything I have to follow his instruction, but knowing what’s to come makes it so worth it.
“Jay, please,” I beg, wanting more.
“You ready for it?” he asks, teasing me with his cocky smile.
“Oh god, yes. Now get naked,” I demand. I expect him to start pulling at his jumper or to undo his jeans, but instead he stills. “What’s wrong?” I pant, propping myself up on my elbows.
“It’s just…” he scrubs his hands over his face.
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