by J. Benson
He grinned. "Now I really have to go." He leaned forward and kissed me again, his soft lips smooth against mine.
The kiss lasted only a brief second, but it was enough to unravel him. He let out a shaky sigh. "If I keep kissing you, I'll never leave."
"I have no problem with that..." I tried to tighten my arms around his shoulders.
He laughed again, "My parents would. They'll think it's a poor excuse for being late... I think it's a perfectly apt excuse." He grinned, but reached behind him and removed my arms from his neck.
I wasn't going to protest or become a big blubbering baby. I would see him the next morning; there was no excuse for my behavior. I was starting to act like a love-struck teenager. I shuddered at the thought.
Taylor didn't notice; he shoved his hair back out of his eyes. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" He spoke, leaning down and kissing me gently on the forehead. I could tell he was avoiding my lips in case I found a way to make him stay.
He pulled open the front door and a sudden gust of frigid air came gusting in. I folded my arms around myself, but my teeth were already chattering. It was freezing outside.
I glanced past Taylor as he stepped out onto the porch. "Oh my God! Snow!" I gasped.
Taylor turned and flashed a familiar grin at me. "You've never seen snow before?"
"Of course I've seen snow..." I mumbled. "But it's October!"
He grinned. "Welcome to the Midwest. It randomly snows in October." He announced.
I shoved my feet into my own shoes and wandered out without a coat on to bask in the large flakes that were falling from the darkened sky. It was beautiful out, aside from being bitterly cold.
"There's so much snow!" I gasped, descending the front steps and stepping out into the front lawn. I was only wearing a sweater, and I was freezing, but I wasn't bothered by it. There was enough snow to cover the ground in a few soft inches. I knew the snow probably wouldn't last long, but I was thoroughly impressed.
"Really? You think? Wow, I almost don't want to tell you what January will be like then." Taylor laughed from behind me. He was standing on the porch and leaning casually against one of the pillars at the top of the stairs.
I turned to face him. "A lot of snow? How much?" I asked a little too eagerly.
"Well, I hope you like snow, because you'll be up to your ass in it in January." He laughed.
I nodded. "I like the snow... its pretty. It makes everything white and clean and fresh. It's like it blankets over all the bad things and makes them sparkle in the sunlight." I sighed contentedly. I realized what I was saying and I hoped that Taylor wouldn't read too much into my response. I was starting to sound like a complete psychopath.
"Emma." Taylor said, trying to sound stern. He was at my side and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Go inside, you'll freeze out here without a coat on."
I nodded. I was actually cold. "Okay. See you tomorrow?" I asked hopefully.
"You will." He smiled. He bent and in one swift motion, kissed my numb cheek and strode off to his car.
I stood pressing my warm palm against my cold face until he was safely out of sight.
Once I could no longer see his car, I broke into a run for the warm house. I shut the door behind me and immediately locked it—a habit I had yet to break from living in New York. I always locked the door, even though Grandma insisted that Tulsa was a safe city and that I didn't have to worry.
I leaned against the door and thought for a moment. There was no possible way that I would be able to sleep after the wonderful evening I had experienced. My night with Taylor hadn't exactly been the most romantic and extravagant of dates, if it was a date at all. Even so, I had a great time. It has been a long time since I could talk and laugh so openly and freely.
I walked into the kitchen and boiled the kettle. I made myself a mug of green tea and brought it into the living room. I folded myself into an arm chair and curled up with my tea and my math text book. I hoped that if I could read the instructional passages enough I might actually understand what I was doing and I might actually pass the test. Although it was highly unlikely that I would understand.
I couldn't have read more than a couple of pages when the door opened and Grandma came in. She shook the snow from her jacket. "Hello!" She chirped.
"Hi." I couldn't help smiling in response.
Grandma glanced around. "Is Taylor here? Did he leave already?" She asked, frowning.
I smiled to myself. "Yeah, we both have a math test tomorrow that we need to study for. And he has an eleven o'clock curfew." I replied.
"Oh, okay. So are you studying?" She asked.
"Yes, Grandma." I smiled.
"Good." She replied. "But I know you'll do well on your test. You always do."
"Did you win at Bingo tonight?" I asked.
Grandma walked around the sofa, plopping down tiredly. "Not really, I was close all night. I finally won a game, but I had to split it with some other winners and I ended up only breaking even. It was a little disappointing." Grandma sighed. She looked and sounded tired.
"Well, that's better than nothing." I mused, taking a sip of my tea.
"Absolutely." She replied. She sighed heavily. "Well, I guess I'll go upstairs and take a bath and go to bed. I don't want to bother you while you're studying. You should probably get some sleep too; you'll need plenty of rest for your math test tomorrow." Grandma pushed herself to her feet and crossed the room. She hugged me lightly and trod slowly up the stairs.
I glanced down at my textbook, but decided I couldn't study any more. I drank the rest of my tea, even though it was still a little too warm to drink. I put my empty mug in the kitchen sink and turned off all of the lights. I checked to make sure that the front door was locked before I made my way up the stairs. I changed into my pajamas and peered out my bedroom window. It had stopped snowing, and in the darkness it looked almost as if the snow was already melting.
I yawned and climbed into bed, making myself comfortable and slowly drifting into a deep, dream filled sleep.
Chapter 29:
A Reason to be Jealous
After gym class, I took my time getting ready. I combed my hair carefully and swished it back into a loose pony-tail. My hair was curling more than usual, probably due to the dramatic change in weather. It had snowed two inches the night before, but when my alarm clock went off that morning and I looked outside, the snow was completely gone. There wasn't a single trace of snow, or any hint that the weather had been so cold.
I had showered after a brutal gym class in record speed. It was lunch time, and Taylor and I had made plans to study together for our test directly after lunch. I knew Taylor would be waiting for me outside the change room door, but I figured he could wait an extra minute or two. I smoothed my white t-shirt down over my jeans and adjusted the sleeves of my black cardigan. I took one last careful chance to scrutinize my appearance before I exited the change room.
Taylor wasn't waiting where he said he would be. I glanced down both ends of the hall, but couldn't see him.
I sighed. Perhaps he had forgotten about me, or decided to meet me at my locker instead. I turned the corner to head back toward the main hall, but stopped in my tracks.
Taylor was standing against the row of lockers in the south hall. But he wasn't alone.
He was leaning casually with his long body angled toward someone. I could only see the back of the slender blond standing in front of Taylor. She was wearing a pair of jeans that looked at least two sizes too small on her, and a low cut top, which showed a dramatic amount of skin despite the drop in temperature outside.
It wasn't until I heard the familiar obnoxious giggle that I knew who it was. I held my breath and watched in a mixture of confusion and horror. And the first thought that ran through my mind confused even me. I wondered how it was possible that she had managed to shower, change and get out of the locker room before I did.
Frozen in place, I watched in a mixture of awe and disgust as Paige reached up
and pushed the stray locks of hair from Taylor's forehead, tucking it lightly behind his ear. The way she acted around him, it was like she owned him; there was a distinct level of comfort and familiarity between them that I simply couldn't compete with.
Taylor's hand moved to her hip, ever so lightly perching there on her side.
I watched in horror as they seemed to lean together. I couldn't move; I was completely incapacitated. She stood on her toes and brushed her perfectly glossed lips across his cheek.
I must have gasped, as his chin lifted and his eyes refocused on me. A shocked expression crossed his face in slow motion; I saw his lips form around my name. It was too late. I knew I had to get out of there. I had to get to my car and leave the school as quickly as possible. I turned on my heel and started down the hall the way I had come.
I was going in the opposite direction to the parking lot, but it didn't matter. My knees were already shaking, and I could hardly see. My vision blurred and my hands trembled.
I turned another corner, where I stopped and fell back against a wall. I couldn't go any further; my legs wouldn't work anymore. And to make matters worse, I was lost in the school.
Last night, Taylor had been holding my hand. He sat on my sofa with his arms around me. He shared a blanket with me and helped me with my math homework. He'd kissed me, and I'd kissed him. He'd even asked me to meet his family. And all of it--every single bit of it--was a complete and utter lie. He'd looked me straight in the eye and blatantly and deliberately lied to me.
I slid down the wall to the floor, sitting down hard on the faded linoleum. I had officially done it. I had done the one thing I had promised myself I wouldn't do; I'd let someone in and gotten hurt again. I thought by now I'd be used to it. I thought I'd be used to hurt and numbness of heartbreak, but each time it happened it stung a little more. Another little piece of me shattered.
"Emma, wait!" Taylor was suddenly next to me. "Look, that conversation with Paige, that didn't mean anything. I mean, I didn't mean for that to happen! She surprised me after gym class when I was waiting for you, and suddenly she was trying to kiss me..."
I somehow managed to get to my feet, though I had no idea how it had happened. I forced my legs to work, pushing past him and continuing down the hall. My legs and feet were numb; I stumbled.
"Emma, wait!" Taylor said again. This time he caught my arm. "I'm sorry, we were just talking, and there's... a history there. And I mean, since we aren't mutually exclusive yet-"
I whirled around, and stopped trying to twist out of his grasp. I shoved him as hard as I could.
"Don't try to pin this on me! You're the one kissing someone else! I thought you... You said you liked me! Were you just playing some sick kind of game? Because I have news for you, you can't hurt me any more than I've already been hurt. I can't break any more than I already am."
"No! Emma, of course not!" He cried. "I just... she said she had something important to tell me, and I was trying to tell her that you and I are kind of... together. But she wouldn't listen to me. She kept insisting that she and I were perfect together and..." He sighed, raking his hands through his hair. "And suddenly she was kissing me, and I wasn't thinking... She can be so... manipulative when she wants to be! I hate her, I pushed her away, but it was too late! Emma, I'm sorry. Really... I didn't mean for you to see that-"
"Right, so if it had happened behind my back you would have just let it happen? And not tell me about it, is that it?" I demanded sharply. I twisted out of his reach and stormed off down the hall.
"No! That's not it at all!" He called from behind me. Within a second he was jogging to catch up with me.
"It doesn't matter anymore. I'm done with this, alright? I never want to see you again!" My eyes were filling with tears, which I hoped would hold off until I got away from him. The last thing I wanted was for him to see me cry. I definitely didn't want him to see me crying over him.
"Emma, that's not fair! I didn't mean for this to happen-"
"You mean you didn't mean for me to see it." I demanded.
"No! Emma, what do you want me to say, here? What can I do to prove that I'm sorry? She kissed me, and I pushed her away as soon as-"
"As soon as you saw me?" I interrupted.
"No, that's not it at all! You're putting words into my mouth!" He caught me around the waist and turned me to face him. "I like you, that's all that matters. And I told Paige that! Don't you see that she's doing this on purpose? She's trying to drive us apart! And it's working!"
I sighed, and although I strained away from him, I made no real attempt to push him away. "I can't... I can't do this. I need some time... away from you."
His arms dropped, and he looked hurt. He looked devastated and wounded.
I turned and pushed my way through the heavy doors, walking quickly through the emptying parking lot.
I unlocked my car door and climbed inside. I put my keys in the ignition and started up the heater, but it made no difference to the heavy layer of ice on the windshield. There was a solid inch of ice on the side view mirror, so I rolled down my window and tried to push the ice aside with my bare hand.
Suddenly there was a shadow cast over the driver's side door.
"Emma." Taylor said, his hands slamming against the outside of my car. "I'm not going away. You're not going to push me away, so don't even try." He said, lowering his face into my open window. "You're not going to run away from this. I'm not going to let you. You know as well as I do that she's trying to tear us apart. Don't let her. Emma, we can work this out, I swear." He reached into the car and lightly stroked my cheek. "I'm not going to let you shut me out."
I felt the tears coming faster now. If I didn't get out of there soon he was going to see me cry. That thought terrified me.
Not caring that I could hardly see out my windows, I shifted into drive, stomped my foot on the gas and squealed out of the parking spot.
The wheels of my car skidded on the ice and nearly hit one of the other cars in the parking lot. I threw the car back into drive and peeled out of the parking lot, leaving Taylor standing by himself, scratching the back of his head awkwardly.
I drove a block away from the school and pulled my car over. I wiped at my eyes, and after struggling for a few moments, I finally managed to chase away all of the tears. I got my breathing back to normal, and my heavy sobs ceased. I swallowed thickly and forced myself to think straight.
I couldn't leave school. I had a math test to write. And even though I didn't feel like writing it, I had no valid excuse not to. I was sure the teacher wouldn't let me skip a test because the man I thought was my boyfriend was a dick and his ex-girlfriend was a whore.
I waited until the lunch break was over before I drove back to the school. I parked my car in the same spot, relieved that Taylor wasn't waiting there for me. I waited for the bell before I made my way to my math class. I would write the test and tell the teacher I wasn't feeling well and leave the school.
I hardly touched my dinner. My grandmother fussed over me, constantly asking what was wrong and if there was anything she could do to help me feel better. I assumed that the impending misery on my face was clear as she insisted on staying home from her "stitch n' bitch" knitting social.
I promised I was fine, and let her wrap my dinner for later and place it in the fridge before I practically crawled up the stairs to my bedroom. I didn't even have the energy to change into my pajamas. I simply dropped onto my bed in my clothes and sat hugging my knees.
I knew I wasn't wrong, but I felt terrible for what I had said to Taylor. My behavior was pathetic and I felt rotten for it.
And to make things worse, I knew that after such a public humiliation, Taylor wouldn't bother with me anymore. What was the point of fighting for someone when so many others would easily surrender?
I was staring off into space and watching the large snowflakes drift past my window when I heard a soft knock at the door.
I looked up and my eyes grew wide. "Taylor
!" I gasped in shock.
"Hey," He said softly. "I wanted to talk... I hope its okay that I drop by unexpectedly..." He glanced down at the object between his hands, and I finally noticed he was holding something. It was a small potted plant; a pot wrapped in pink shimmery foil that matched the tiny pink miniature roses which were twisting up from the dirt.
"Um... I'm not very good at this kind of stuff... and my older brother suggested I buy you flowers. I didn't know what you liked, so he suggested roses... and well... these are the only roses I could find. Apparently, they're out of season or something." He rambled, awkwardly. "I figured these would last a little longer anyway..."
I bit my lip and smiled as he placed the flowers on the desk next to my laptop. I was utterly touched by the gesture.
"Thank you... that's really... sweet! You didn't have to..." I said softly.
"I wanted to. I am the one who screwed up here... even if she's the one who kissed me. I'm not excusing what happened; I shouldn't have let her anywhere near me..."
I hesitated. "Do you still have feelings for her?" I asked, almost afraid of the answer.
"I never did." He answered honestly.
I was on my feet suddenly, and before he could even finish a complete thought, I pitched my arms around his neck, burying my face in his shoulder. "Taylor! I'm so sorry!" I confessed. "I over reacted... I just... she's so... blonde and perky and perfect for you in every way. She goes to dances and parties and kisses boys... I'm so plain! I'm not pretty in the least. I guess I'm just jealous and petty... and I'm terrible at this whole boyfriend thing..."
"You're jealous?" He asked in confusion.
I nodded and answered meekly. "Yes."
"Emma..." He clutched me tighter. "You have no reason to be jealous! You are the only person in my life right now. You're the only girl that I see when I close my eyes. You're the only girl I see myself kissing right now. It's only you."
I choked back a sob. "And you were right; I do run from everything..."