Pew! Pew! - The Quest for More Pew!

by M. D. Cooper

  It was true that Trash Iz Uz was probably the smallest operator in the business and its trash transporter had seen better days, and those days had probably been long before Jaquil was born—long before his mother was born, in fact—but it was a starship. A real starship.

  Hefting up the legs of his dungarees, he spread his knees wide and grasped the ship’s controls. The window in front of him was facing the junk-yard that spread out beyond the ship’s launch pad. Piles of ancient android parts, defunct bionic pets, and old-fashioned disposable furniture teetered precariously high. But that wasn’t what Jaquil saw. In his mind’s eye, he was flying Starblaster, zooming through deep space, familiar constellations spreading out and melting away as he neared and then passed them.

  His fantasy involved a secret rendezvous with the alluring daughter of a trash magnate. Their clandestine love hadn’t met the approval of her controlling, overly protective father because Jaquil had yet to make his fortune. But love overcomes all barriers, so Jaquil was going to help his beloved escape. They would live among the stars forever. He gave a satisfied sigh.

  “Hey, that’s the captain’s seat,” Lollololp said.

  Jaquil jumped to his feet. Lollololp’s soft body and snake-like method of locomotion made it impossible to hear him move around.

  “I was just warming it for her,” Jaquil blurted.

  “Listen, kid,” said Lollololp. He wriggled closer and raised up the first half of his body, balancing on the lower half. His round mouth with its serrated teeth was close to Jaquil’s groin. He took a step backward.

  “You might have Banty fooled,” the yellow extraterrestrial went on, “but no one’s pulled the nictitating membrane over my eyes since I metamorphosed into a nymph. I know you ain’t what you’re making yourself out to be.”

  Jaquil might not have understood a word of the alien’s first sentence, but he got the gist of the second. Lollololp suspected him of something. Being under suspicion was a state he was familiar with because he rarely did what he was supposed to be doing, but in this case, he wasn’t sure exactly what Lollololp meant.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Oh, ho, ho. You don’t get me that easy,” said Lollololp. “You almost had me back there when you were acting all ignorant and naive. But then I thought to myself, ain’t nobody that dumb. Anyone with a working nervous system knows what really goes on in the trash collecting world. And here you are walking around and talking like you’re normal and don’t have your ape cousin’s brain, so that got me wondering what your game is.”

  “It did?”

  “The question is, why’re you pretending to be an idiot?”

  Jaquil had been asked that question in various forms many times over the course of his short life, minus the pretending part, and he was no closer to an answer right then than he’d ever been.

  “Errr...”

  “You don’t give up, do you?” asked Lollololp. “Never mind. It don’t matter. I’ll figure out why you’re here. I got my eye on you.”

  The yellow creature actually had several eyes of different sizes dotted around in the general area of its head. Jaquil wondered which of them the alien was about to devote to the sole occupation of watching him, with the idea he would prevent some as-yet undefined illegal or immoral act.

  “Okaaaay,” Jaquil said.

  “Good. Now we know where we stand.” Lollololp lowered his top half to the floor began to undulate away from him, across the bridge. “And stay outta the captain’s chair.”

  Tendrils of steamy vapor appeared at the entrance to the bridge. Banty was about to arrive.

  “Hi guys,” she said as her girth caught up with the discharge of her lungs and she waddled through the open doorway. “We all set?”

  “Just waiting on U8AB,” said Lollololp.

  “He’s late again?” asked Banty. She took an especially large huff and exhaled heavily. She’d replaced rose-scented vapor of the morning with a choco-pepper variety that made Jaquil’s eyes water and his stomach tingle.

  “Probably getting his circuits rerouted by that vixen of an auto-augur,” said Lollololp.

  “The auto-augur,” exclaimed Banty. “I totally forgot to find out what’s gonna happen on this job.”

  “You mean those things really work?” Jaquil asked. “They predict the future?” He’d heard of auto-augurs, but they were so insanely expensive, he’d never had the opportunity to use one. He’d also heard they weren’t very reliable.

  “Yeah, they do,” said Banty.

  “No, they don’t,” countered Lollololp.

  “They do,” Banty said. “You’ve just gotta read between the lines of the prophecy. Anyhow, I better feed it the data for this mission and see what it says.”

  “Can I come too?” Jaquil asked, burning with curiosity.

  “Sure, kid. You’re here to learn the ropes, ain’t you?”

  Jaquil had the choice of following Banty closely and breathing in all her choking vapor, or following her at a distance and potentially losing her in the fog. He chose to choke.

  She led him down into the belly of the whale. By the time they arrived at their destination, his eyes were streaming and his throat was raw. As the vapor cloud faded a little, it revealed an expanse of metal covered in tiny lights that winked on and off. The auto-augur stretched to four times’ Jaquil’s height and was at least fives times as wide as Banty, which was saying something.

  The cloud of vapor thinned a little more, and a silver figure became visible against the background of blinking lights. U8AB’s chest was open and wires ran from it into the auto-augur’s ports. His fingers were busy as he hastily uncoupled himself from the electronic predictor.

  “Captain,” said the android, “what a surprise to see you down here.” Closing up his chest, he turned toward them both while reaching behind himself to shut the auto-augur’s maintenance access slot.

  “It can’t be that much of a surprise,” Banty said. “I always check out what to expect on a job. You know that. I didn’t pay for fifteen squllions’ worth of predictive power for nothing. What I’m wondering is, what’re you doing down here?” She put her hands on her hips. “Hmmm?”

  “I...er...” U8AB said.

  “Tell me later,” said Banty. “We’re leaving soon. Get upstairs and warm up the engines.” After the android left, she went on, “Sheesh, he’s the randiest android I ever knew. Can’t take your eyes off of him for second, else he’s linking up with anything that runs on electricity. If he hadn’t got us out of a tight fix once or twice, I woulda sold him a long time ago. I hope he hasn’t short-circuited my auto-augur.”

  “Captain Hepplehiggy,” came a deep electronic voice from somewhere in the vast computer in front of them and echoed around the large, metal-walled chamber, “what can I do for you?”

  “Are you feeling okay?” Banty asked the auto-augur. “My android didn’t unsettle you?”

  “Oh no,” said the auto-augur. “On the contrary, our connection was quite—”

  “All right,” interrupted Banty, holding up a hand. “Not in front of the kid. I got some data for you.” She slipped a small, thin plastic square into a slot.

  “What information is on that?” Jaquil asked.

  “Everything the auto-augur needs to know,” Banty replied. “Where we’re going, who we’re gonna see, where they live, etcetera, etcetera. It’ll extract all related information from the cyberworld and analyze everything.”

  “And what will it tell you?”

  “What we should expect.” Banty took a huff.

  “Oh,” Jaquil said. He nodded and employed his all-knowing look.

  The square of plastic reappeared. Banty removed it and slipped it into a pocket. “Thanks a lot,” she said to the auto-augur.

  “You’re welcome,” the device replied. “By the way, could you tell your android that if he ever has a free moment, he’s always welcome to pay me a visit.”

  “Sure thing,” said Banty. But as they returned to the
bridge, she added, “Like I’m gonna have that metal sex machine messing with the most expensive item of equipment on my ship.”

  When they arrived back at the bridge, Banty slid the square of plastic into a slot on the flight console and a message appeared on the screen:

  Trillions of creds hold no sway

  Things will not go well today

  When the mistress says it’s time to go

  She will send you to your foe

  Your precautions notwithstanding

  You should prepare for a shifty landing

  “What in all the galaxy is that supposed to mean?” Lollololp asked. “That’s worse than no help at all. I can’t believe you mortgaged Trash Iz Uz to pay for that piece of junk.”

  “It means something important,” said Banty. “You’ve just gotta think literally.”

  “I think you mean laterally,” said U8AB.

  “Yeah, that’s what I mean,” said Banty. She stared at the message for a while before turning to Jaquil. “You got any ideas, kid?”

  “Could the mistress be the person we’re seeing today?” he asked.

  “Could be,” Banty replied.

  “Then I guess the auto-augur’s saying we need to be careful because something bad might happen.”

  “The kid’s a genius,” said Lollololp. “We need to be careful. How come we never thought of that?”

  “It also mentioned trillions of creds,” Banty said as she eased her ample buttocks into the pilot’s seat, “which is what I need if I’m ever gonna upgrade Starblaster. We don’t have time for any more talk anyway. We have an appointment to keep. Find a seat and get strapped in, kid.”

  Jaquil gritted his teeth. The habit everyone had fallen into of calling him 'kid’ was starting to get on his nerves. He was twenty-seven fer chrissakes. Next year, he’d be able to vote, drink alcohol, and procreate. He wished the Trash Iz Uz crew would show him a little more respect, but he didn’t know how to change their attitude.

  Lollololp was squeezing his soft body into a tube beneath a console and U8AB was attaching himself to the wall. Jaquil took one of the unoccupied seats. The moment his posterior hit the base, straps snaked out from openings above his shoulders and between his legs. The straps met at his middle and a lock snapped closed, bunching Jaquil’s dungarees up so that it looked like he was wearing a diaper.

  As he gazed down at himself, he realized he looked exactly like a giant baby in a vehicle safety seat. All he needed was a pacifier.

  “All set?” Banty asked, glancing over her shoulder.

  Starblaster’s engines were sending a vibration through Jaquil’s body that felt strangely comforting. “Is it very far?” he asked Banty, yawning.

  “Yeah, it’s about—”

  But before he heard Banty’s answer, Jaquil’s eyelids slid shut and he was fast asleep.

  Chapter Three

  He woke to the sound of people talking. He’d been in the middle of a beautiful dream where he was a rocket ship traveling through space. He’d been enjoying himself zooming around the stars and nebulas, when he happened upon a black hole. He knew black holes were trouble, and yet he hadn’t felt even a little bit afraid. The hole look inviting and comforting, and he’d been in the middle of powering into its depths when the mention of his new name—kid—drew him from his slumber.

  He remained as he was, his eyes closed, pretending to still be asleep.

  “I say the kid’s a menace.” It was Lollololp speaking, of course. Jaquil knew him not only by the sound of his growly voice but also by his meaning. Jaquil wondered what he’d done to encourage the yellow alien’s suspicions.

  “He’s just a student,” Banty replied. “Quit worrying.”

  “That’s another thing I don’t get,” Lollololp said. “Why don’t he just get a job if he wants to work in trash? What’s this internship malarkey about?”

  Banty was huffing again. Jaquil could tell by the scent of banana mixed with rubber in the air.

  “That’s the way they do it these days,” Jaquil’s broad boss replied. “It’s not like back when I was setting up. Nowadays, you need a degree. The kid’s studying Garbology.”

  Jaquil heard hiccups. Lollololp was laughing.

  “Garbology?” he exclaimed. “What the hell’s that about? What’s there to study about trash?” The hiccuping resumed.

  Jaquil wondered why U8AB wasn’t joining in the conversation. Maybe he’d gone to find another electronic hookup. Jaquil decided he’d better 'wake up’ before he heard more comments he didn’t want to hear. He stretched his arms, faked a massive yawn, and opened his eyes.

  As he’d slept, the safety straps had unfastened themselves and slithered away. Through the window beyond Banty’s considerable figure, the junkyard had been replaced by a vast starscape.

  Jaquil gaped. “Whoaaaa.” He’d never been in space before.

  “You back with us?” Banty asked, turning toward him at the sound of his voice.

  “Whoaaaa,” repeated Jaquil. All he could see was stars. The hard points of light stretched in every direction, multitudinous and brilliant. A nebula approached slowly on the right. Or rather, they were approaching it, at what had to be a mind-blowingly fantastic speed.

  “You okay, kid?” asked Banty.

  The only word Jaquil could think of to say in reply was another whoaaaa, but his jaw was stuck open and his tongue had stopped working. He wasn’t even sure if he was still breathing. All he could do was gape, his mouth fixed wide open, his eyes popping.

  “Shit,” said Banty. “He’s got awesomitis. Lollo, go fetch the reversal lotion.”

  Lollololp inched slowly away and returned several long minutes later. Jaquil remained stuck the whole while. By the time the yellow alien got back, Jaquil’s jaw ached, his eyes watered, and his capacity to experience wonder was on serious overload.

  In order to carry the pot of lotion, Lollololp’s mouth had opened impossibly wide. He set the pot down and unscrewed the lid by fixing his rubbery lips around it and turning. Then, he dipped the end of his tail in the pot and unceremoniously flicked a blob of greenish lotion in Jaquil’s face. A large portion of it landed in his mouth. He quietly choked.

  Lollololp squirmed up Jaquil’s body and roughly rubbed the lotion into his skin. Immediately, the expanse of stars began to seem less impressive. Jaquil’s locked jaw eased. He spat out the lotion that had landed in it—the flavor was similar to strep throat—and closed his mouth. He blinked. The stars they were speeding through had begun to look positively ordinary.

  “You feeling better?” Banty asked.

  “Yeah, thanks,” replied Jaquil. “I don’t know what happened to me.”

  “You were overcome by the beauty, majesty, and terror of deep space,” Banty said. “That’s all. It’s like that for some folks. It’s kinda like altitude sickness. There’s no telling who’s gonna get it. My first time, I had an attack too.” She wiped a finger under her eye.

  Jaquil wasn’t sure if her tearfulness was due to sentimentality or the smog she was creating.

  “I’ll never forget it,” Banty went on wistfully. “They do say awesomitis is the sign of a true space being.”

  “Seriously?” Jaquil began to perk up. Maybe his attack of the strange condition wasn’t so embarrassing after all.

  “Yep,” Banty replied. “I think there might be some truth in it. Keep the lotion. You might wanna use it again, though the more often you go into space, the less likely you are to need it.”

  Jaquil picked up the pot of lotion and screwed the lid closed. He read the label.

  REVERSAMIL

  To be used in the event of overwhelming wonder and similar excessive emotions.

  Apply to exposed skin.

  One application every 24 hours only.

  In the event of overdose, contact the next of kin and an undertaker.

  “What,” exclaimed Jaquil. “Hey, can this stuff kill you?”

  “Only if you put on too much,” said Banty. “It revers
es your emotional state, you see. Reverse it too much, and your whole system’s depressed. Shuts itself down ‘cos there’s no point in going on.”

  “How much is too much?” squeaked Jaquil.

  “Don’t it say?”

  Jaquil’s gaze raked the label, the lid, and the underside of the pot. “No, it doesn’t.”

  “How much did you give him?” Banty asked Lollololp, who had been occupying himself by lolloping to and fro as Jaquil and Banty talked.

  “‘Bout half the pot.”

  Banty exhaled a cloud of vapor large enough to fill the bridge. “Should be fine.”

  Jaquil was busy scraping off the lotion that hadn’t yet sunk into his skin and flicking it from his fingers. He inwardly examined his feelings. Was he depressed? He didn’t think so. He looked at the stars that remained visible through Banty’s vapor. They were mildly impressive, but that was all. Maybe Lollololp had got the dose correct. He relaxed a little.

  Jaquil stood up and stretched his legs. His worry that he was about to die seemed unfounded, though he wasn’t sure if his conclusion was an effect of the Reversamil. Whatever. He was feeling good. He was on his first space journey. He was working as an intern for a company that specialized in trash disposal—one of the most sought-after professions in the galaxy. If he kept his head down and worked hard, he could look forward to a bright, exciting future.

  “So, where are we headed?” Jaquil asked, sitting down and resting his elbows on his knees.

  “Kranablehater III,” Banty replied. “Got a very special job. Very exclusive. Picked it up from Zorgobslist.”

  “Where’s Kranablehater III?”

  “I’m not sure what the system’s called. I just input the coordinates the client sent. The computer does the rest.”

  “Wait a minute,” Jaquil said. “You just tell the computer the coordinates and Starblaster takes us there? You mean you aren’t actually flying the ship?”