Pew! Pew! - The Quest for More Pew!

by M. D. Cooper

  Jaquil blinked away his blurry vision and looked more closely at the slime mold. The hole in her middle was already closing. The edges were growing inward. The creature was rapidly repairing herself.

  A rapid report of blips came from Fred, and she jiggled as she laughed.

  “Aww, gee, Fred,” Jaquil reproached. “You really had me worried.”

  “We need to get out of here quickly, Captain,” U8AB said. “Lollololp’s activated take off, but the hold door isn’t airtight.” Jaquil looked up. The door had closed, but one tine of his grappling hook remained overhanging the edge. It was crushed and bent by the door’s weight, but U8AB was probably correct that the door wasn’t fully sealed.

  Fred was already gliding swiftly toward the exit. Jaquil and the others ran after her.

  “Thanks,” Phoemian said to Jaquil as they ran, “for turning off my autonomy suppressor.”

  “No problem,” he replied. They ran into the corridor and Banty closed the hatch. Through the thick plexiglass window was a narrow view of the hold. Acceleration as the ship climbed through the planet’s atmosphere pushed Jaquil down. He clung to the edge of the window. Inside the hold, scraps of trash that littered the floor flew up as the outside air thinned. The scraps converged on the tiny gap in the hold door seal created by the grappling hook tine and disappeared through it.

  Jaquil watched a large piece of packing foam speed from the far side of the hold to the gap. In an instant it was compressed to a centimeter wide and forced inexorably out. Jaquil winced at the thought that the foam could have been any of them.

  “Where’s Fred?” Banty asked. She was sitting on the corridor floor, her legs splayed, struggling to remain upright against the force of the acceleration.

  “If I know her,” said U8AB, “she’ll be on her way to the bridge to have a word with Lollololp.”

  “Yeah, that noodle,” exclaimed Banty. “What did he think he was doing, taking off without us? Yellow’s a good color for him.”

  As they reached the upper atmosphere, the ship’s speed slowed and they could move again. All four quickly followed Fred’s slime trail to the bridge.

  By the time they arrived, the mold already had Lollololp pinned down and was slapping his head.

  “Let up, Fred,” he protested. “I didn’t mean to leave you guys behind. Honest. I thought you was all aboard when I closed the hold door.” Whack. “Ow.” Whack. “Ow.”

  “I don’t believe it for a second,” said Banty, settling her butt in the captain’s seat and starting up her huffing apparatus. “Listen to me, you squishy yellow cigar case. You pull a stunt like that again and I’ll put you in the compressor with the rest of the trash. You got it?”

  “Ow. Yeah, I got it, Captain.”

  Fred stopped punishing Lollololp and slid over to the flight console, where she returned to her favorite position.

  “I knew I shoulda left Fred in charge of the ship,” Banty said, exhaling a vapor cloud along with a satisfied sigh. “Not that yellow sausage.”

  “I’m glad you didn’t,” Phoemian said. “She saved my life.”

  “Yes,” U8AB said. “Well done, Fred. Never underestimate a slime mold.”

  “Now we gotta ask ourselves,” Banty said, “what we do with you.” She waved her tube at Phoemian.

  “Oh.” Phoemian looked crestfallen.

  Jaquil thought he knew why. “Can’t Phoemian stay with us? Can’t she join your company, Banty?”

  Phoemian brightened at his suggestion.

  “I believe we have more urgent problems at hand than finding a home for Phoemian,” U8AB said.

  A moment later, the ship’s klaxon sounded. Another emergency. The romping cats on the flight console screen saver disappeared and a message flashed up. Under Attack

  “Under attack?” blurted Banty. “I didn’t even know we had that warning in the system.”

  “Of course we’re under attack,” Jaquil said, the light dawning. “Phoemian’s owners aren’t going to let her go that easily. They must have starships. They’re coming after us.”

  The flight console screen confirmed his words. The warning message disappeared and two large, sleek, bronze starships hove into view, zooming toward them from the planet surface.

  At the sight of the enemy vessels, Banty huffed deeply, her eyes bulging. She coughed and spluttered. “We’ve had it. Flamethrowers and shovels ain’t gonna be any use against those mofos.”

  “Maybe we’ll be lucky,” said U8AB, “and they won’t shoot at us.”

  A pulse of light fired from the leading vessel and raced toward them.

  “Erk,” Banty said.

  The bolt hit, and the ship rocked.

  “Maybe they only want to disable our ship,” U8AB said. “So they don’t damage Phoemian.”

  Another pulse emerged and sped in their direction. At this second impact, the ship rocked harder from and extra alarms sounded. The console screen flashed. Hull Breached.

  U8AB said, “Maybe—”

  “Shaddap,” Banty barked.

  “What are those?” Jaquil asked. The screen had switched the image from the attacking starships that were approaching from the planet. Two more starships were racing toward them from outer space.

  “I think I might know,” Phoemian said. “It’s the other side. The rival manufacturers who wanted to kidnap me at the glasshouse.”

  “Who are they?” Jaquil asked.

  “I’m not sure. A competing company.”

  “So they’re planning on dismantling you too?” asked Jaquil.

  Phoemian nodded. “Reverse engineer me, I guess.” She looked glum. “Both sides want to attack you because of me. I don’t want to put you guys in danger. It’s okay. You can give me up to one side or the other. I don’t mind which one.”

  “Whaaaat?” Banty asked. “No way.”

  “That isn’t happening,” said Jaquil.

  “I believe that would be a bad idea,” said U8AB.

  From underneath the flight console, Fred farted her agreement with the others.

  “Ya know,” said Lollololp, “Phoemian has a point.”

  “You shaddap too.” Banty glowered at the yellow alien, who seemed to grow smaller under her glare. Jaquil blinked. The alien was growing smaller. He was about half his original size.

  “Wait a minute,” Jaquil said, “How come the shooting’s stopped?” The ship’s alarms were still sounding, but they hadn’t been hit again. Their attackers hadn’t followed up on the two shots they’d fired.

  “I imagine they’re probably in communication with their rival,” U8AB said. “Deciding what to do about us.”

  “Whatever they say,” Banty said, “we ain’t giving you up, Phoemian. I just figured out what the auto-augur meant. Could be disaster, could be a prize, it said. I reckon you’re the prize.”

  “I agree,” said Jaquil.

  “Seriously?” Phoemian asked.

  “She could be the disaster too,” Lollololp piped up.

  “I’m warning you,” said Banty. Lollololp shrank to a quarter of his full size.

  “They’ve started firing again,” said U8AB.

  Two pulses raced from the bronze ships toward them.

  “Oh no,” said Banty. “Starblaster will never take another hit. It’s over, everyone. It’s been good working with you.”

  They all braced for the impact of the pulses. Jaquil took one last, longing look at Phoemian. Ah well, he thought, I haven’t had much of a life. I made a few friends. Studied a little Garbology. But I did two things I’m proud of: I got rid of my plasti-vinyl dungarees, and I saved the woman of my dreams.

  Phoemian saw Jaquil staring, but he didn’t care. There was no point in hiding his feelings when he had maybe one more second of life.

  She stared back at him. Was it possible that she shared his feelings, Jaquil wondered. But she was part android. Did she have the same range of emotions as humans? I’ll never find out, he thought sadly.

  A long second stretched o
ut even further. The pulses should have hit, yet they were all still alive.

  “They missed,” said Banty, incredulous.

  The bolts had passed them by. Jaquil felt suddenly awkward and broke eye contact with Phoemian.

  “They missed us, but they didn’t miss,” said U8AB. “Look.”

  The light pulses hit the competitor’s ships that had arrived from space.

  “They’re firing at their rivals,” said Banty. “Phew. Lucky for us.”

  Returning shots were fired. The bolts also headed in the direction of Starblaster on their way to the bronze ships. Though the Trash Iz Uz ship wasn’t a target, it was directly in the line of fire between two armed, battling starships.

  “This probably isn’t the safest place to be in right now,” said Phoemian.

  “Y’ think?” Lollololp said.

  “I don’t like being piggy in the middle either,” said Banty. “But what can we do? If we move, one or the other side—or most likely both—are gonna be right on our tail.”

  “Captain,” U8AB said. “What about the old stealth technology?”

  “Going stealth? Does that even still work? And anyway, they’d detect us in a second.”

  “Not necessarily. These two starships that are currently fighting over us appear to be the latest state-of-the-art designs, while our ship is over a hundred years old.”

  “What stealth technology?” Jaquil asked.

  “Starblaster has a cloaking device,” Banty explained as a few more bolts sped past them on either side. “Sometimes we have to be extra sneaky about dumping trash. I only use it as a last resort because it needs a whole lotta energy, which makes it expensive, and it’s only a very early, basic model.”

  “But in this case, Stablaster’s outdated technology might work in our favor,” said U8AB. “The ships might not detect a cloaking system that’s nearly obsolete.”

  “It ain’t gonna hurt to try,” said Banty.

  “Except if one or other of the ships notices what we’re doing,” said U8AB, “and can detect us, and decides to destroy Phoemian rather than risk the other side getting her.”

  Banty hesitated. “Yeah, except for that.” She peered at the console. “Here it is.” She pushed a button.

  Absolutely nothing happened.

  “Did it work?” asked Jaquil.

  “Kinda hard to tell,” Banty replied. “The successful activation notice wasn’t included in the original program. You had to buy the upgrade.”

  “It might be a good idea to move, Captain,” U8AB said. “Just in case the cloak worked and someone decides they should fire at the position where they last saw us.”

  “Right,” said Banty. “What coordinates?”

  “No time for that,” said U8AB. “We need to move. Now.”

  “I gotcha.” Banty stared blankly at the controls. “How do I fly this thing?”

  “Let me try,” said Jaquil. “I think I can do it.”

  Banty pushed herself out of her seat and Jaquil took her place. He eased a lever forward and felt the ship respond.

  “You might want to go the other way,” U8AB advised.

  Jaquil checked the screen. He was flying the ship directly into the line of fire. He changed direction, moving the ship down, and only just in time. A bolt of light passed through the place where the ship had just been. More pulses flew out from the enemy ships in a range of directions. Neither could detect the cloaked Starblaster, but both were trying to shoot her down.

  “Get us out of here, Jaquil,” Banty said.

  “You called me Jaquil,” he exclaimed.

  “Yeah, I did. What about it? Go on, get moving.”

  Chapter Eleven

  A combination of Jaquil’s fledgling flying skills, U8AB’s sage advice, and pure, dumb luck saved them from both capture and destruction at the hands of the corporations vying for possession of Phoemian.

  After several days’ travel, the captain and crew of Starblaster holed up in orbit around a planet at the very edge of the civilized galaxy, where no one would demand to know who they were or what they were doing.

  It took a week to repair the hole that enemy fire had torn in the ship. At the end of that week, no one was sure exactly what they were going to do next.

  Banty was positive that Trash Iz Uz would be traced through Cilia by the corporation that had created Phoemian. Jaquil was dreading returning home and graduating in Garbology. Even thinking about it filled him with boredom. Phoemian didn’t know where she would go or what she would do now that she was in control of her own life.

  Lollololp had implied heavily several times that she was a liability and that she would fetch a good price on the open market. He stopped doing this after Fred wrapped herself around his head and refused to let go until he agreed to give up on the idea.

  U8AB didn’t mind what anyone did providing they would stop interrupting him when he was alone with the air filtration unit.

  One day, things finally came to a head. Everyone except U8AB was on the bridge and Banty had been huffing her vapor for an hour or so in contemplative silence. Jaquil was trying to figure out how Starblaster’s cloaking device worked by reading an old instruction manual. Phoemian was studying quantum physics, which she had taken up as a hobby. Lollololp was crossing the bridge again and again. Fred was farting quietly to herself under the flight control console.

  “Okay,” Banty suddenly said. “I made my decision. Fred, come out here. You need to hear this.”

  Fred oozed out and onto the console surface.

  “It pains me to say it,” Banty said, “but Trash Iz Uz must shut up shop.”

  “What?” said Jaquil. “No way.”

  Lollololp froze mid-lollop. “Godammit. I know where this is going.”

  “You’re darn right, you do,” Banty said. “That’s the second thing I have to say. Lollo, you’ve been with me a long time, but the time’s come for you and I to part ways. You’re out.”

  “I knew it,” the yellow grub exclaimed. “Why? It ain’t fair. What did I do?”

  “You started closing the hold door before we were aboard the ship,” Banty replied. “You nearly got us killed so you could save your own skin.”

  “Aw, come on,” Lollololp protested. “That wasn’t how it was.”

  “That’s exactly how it was,” Jaquil said.

  “All right, all right. That was how it was. But was it so bad? Wouldn’t anyone of you have done the same in my position?”

  “No, Lollo,” Banty said. “They wouldn’t. Jaquil here risked his life to save Phoemian. Fred risked hers to save them both. When it came down to it, you chose to save yourself, knowing we’d probably die. There’s no getting over that. You’re fired. I’ll take you to the nearest civilized planet, but that’s it. After that, you’re on your own.”

  “Damn and blast it,” said Lollololp. “This is all your fault.” He addressed the sentence to Jaquil. “The auto-augur was right. It said you were trouble.” The yellow alien went into his tube and brought out a plastic square. He slotted the square into the console. The message on the screen read:

  A newcomer isn’t all he looks

  There are hidden depths in his crannies and nooks

  The time for testing has arrived of late

  Beware his presence if you value your fate

  “If he hadn’t fixed Phoemian so she can act for herself, we would’ve handed her over,” said Lollololp accusingly. “No one would’ve attacked us, I wouldn’t have closed the hold door a little bit early, and right now we’d all be retired on the reward.”

  “Never mind all that,” said Banty. “You goddamn hypocrite—going on about how stupid I was for consulting the auto-augur when you were asking it questions yourself!”

  “Well, I just thought I’d give it a try,” Lollololp replied, shrinking a little.

  Banty shook her head and took a huff. “Go pack your bags.”

  “I will,” said Lollololp, “and gladly. This outfit’s finished anyway. I’m m
oving on to better things.” The yellow alien undulated across the bridge and out the door.

  Banty gave a huge sigh and filled the bridge with her exhalation. “That’s that done. Now, we have at least two very rich, very powerful corporations who are searching the galaxy high, low, and side to side for us.” Phoemian stood up to speak, but Banty waved her down again. “It ain’t just you they’re after. They’re on all our tails because of what we did, though I don’t regret it for a second.”

  She took another huff. “But that don’t mean we have to give up. We can stick around in these less lawful regions of the galaxy, doing a little trading here, a little ferrying there, maybe even a little smuggling, now that we have experience in that area of work.” She winked at Phoemian. “Might be dangerous sometimes.”

  Jaquil sat up.

  “But we could make a pretty good living,” Banty went on. “Whaddya say everyone?”

  Fred gave a long, wheezy, squeaky fart of agreement.

  “I’m in,” Jaquil exclaimed, with the private caveat that he’d have to get a message to his mom to tell her that he had a job and wouldn’t be home for a while.

  “I’d love it,” said Phoemian.

  “We’re agreed then,” Banty said.

  “What about U8AB?” Jaquil asked. “Don’t you want to ask him?”

  “Do you seriously think he cares?” Banty asked.

  “No, you’re right.” There was only one thing the android cared about, and it wasn’t transporting trash.

  “But, y’know,” said Banty. “It makes me kind sad to leave the garbage business behind. It’s all I’ve ever known. It’s been my life.” Fat tears appeared at the corners of her eyes and slid down her chubby cheeks.

  “Don’t feel bad,” Jaquil said. “Though I only spent a short time working in trash, I get the impression that it’s something that never leaves you. I have garbage in my soul, and it saved Phoemian’s life. You’re still a trash woman at heart and so’s Fred.”

  Banty wiped her tears and nodded. “Jaquil, you never spoke a truer word. Trash beings of the galaxy, unite!”

  THE END

  — — —

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