by M. D. Cooper
As she stalked back and forth at the front of the bridge, the bridge crew cautiously followed her with their eyes, aware of her every move. Most were too scared to move, afraid they would draw her attention and focus her foul mood on them. The silence on the bridge was broken by the soft beeping of an incoming transmission. Everyone but their officer-in-charge jumped.
“Commander?” A high-pitched voice squeaked and broke like a human male teenager talking to a pretty girl.
Mia turned her acid gaze to look at the trembling young communications officer.
“What is it, ensign?” she asked, a deceptive sweetness dripped from her tongue.
“You, you, you,” he stuttered and gulped for air, tugging at the collar of his constricting uniform.
“Out with it before I boot your ass out into the tender embrace of the black void,” she hissed at him.
“There’s an incoming communication for someone called Mia Loveyou Longtime, ma’am, sir, ma’am!” Sweat beaded on his temples and trickled down his thin, splotchy cheeks.
“Mia what?!” She stopped her pacing and stomped over to his communications station. “Who are they asking for?”
“Mia Loveyou Longtime, ma’am.” The freshly pressed officer was visibly shaking being so close to the LTC.
“Patch it through to the ready room.” She turned and stormed over to the door to the ready room. When she reached the door, she looked back at the bridge crew. “And do not disturb me unless the Captain is being violently mauled by the locals. Again.”
The door creaked opened with a low grating sound. A second later, Mia was across the small room and plopping into the overstuffed seat in front of the ready room’s comm station before the door had closed. She took a deep breath. Her hand hesitated over the control panel. She exhaled slowly and keyed up the visual display.
Chapter Two: A Whole Llama Trouble
The screen sprang to life, revealing creamy peach, down-covered cleavage, barely contained by a shimmering garment of the finest golden samite. A large, precious stone glinted with a hundred shades of purple as it clung to the sides of the deep, furry ravine.
“Tefeau? Is that you? Tilt the camera up, all I can see are your huge, annoying boobs.” Mia closed her eyes and shook her head. When she reopened her eyes, she was staring into the sad, glistening amber eyes of her best friend, Tefeau.
“Oh, Mia! It’s horrible! I need your help!” Tefeau’s long, fuzzy muzzle quivered as the words poured out of her thin, leather-like lips. A tear escaped her eye, leaving a silver trail down her cheek.
Mia leaned forward, her eyebrows knitted together. “What happened this time? You didn’t sell more of your non-existent gullion to the traders again, did you?”
“No,” Tefeau sobbed. “I’ve been taken hostage. And I don’t have the mazumah to pay it. And since you are my oldest, dearest, bestest friend...”
“You instantly thought of me. Yeah, I get it.” Mia sat back and folded her arms. “Who are they and how much?”
Tefeau was replaced by the face of a stunningly handsome human male with piercing green eyes. A crooked smile grew on his rugged features. Mia felt her throat tighten.
“You must be Mia,” the stranger’s deep voice disturbed Mia. And not in a bad way.
“I am,” Mia forced herself to sound normal. “And you are?”
“You can call me Eridik.” He gave a slight nod. “I’m sure you’re wondering why we’ve captured your friend here.”
“Not really. She’s always getting herself into more trouble than she can handle.” Mia shook her head again, slowly. Eridik laughed, sending an odd sensation vibrating through Mia. She shivered and sat upright.
“This time is no exception, then.” His green eyes drew Mia closer to the screen. “Shall we discuss the terms of her return?”
Mia pulled a lock of hair from her long ponytail and began to twist it around her forefinger. “Yes.”
Eridik nodded. “My crew and I require a 100 tonne of Phinkies snack cakes delivered to Anoupi in three solar days in exchange for your friend and most lovely goddess, Tefeau Airorot.”
Mia’s mouth fell open as she processed the ransom demand. She blinked rapidly before composing herself. “That’s impossible. Firstly, Phinkies are contraband in ninety percent of the system. Secondly, even if I were able to locate even a single Phinky, it would take me three solars just to get to Anoupi from my current location. That’s not even factoring in time to locate and obtain the ransom.”
“Fine. You have four solars. See? I can be as reasonable as I am desirable. I’ll send you the coordinates to a rendezvous location once you enter Anoupi’s orbit. Good luck, Commander. I look forward to meeting you in person.” He winked and the screen faded to black.
Mia stared at the blank screen as multiple thoughts collided and spun off in erratic directions.
Phinkies? Why in the known world would they want Phinkies? Are they planning to use them for their mind controlling properties? And to control who? For what reason?
Four solar days to obtain a banned item and rescue...GODDESS Tefeau?
GODDESS?! What in the name of Thor’s balls has she gotten herself into now?! Goddess. My lily-white ass.
Mia stood up abruptly, barged across the small room and exploded onto the bridge, scaring an orderly in the process. He stuttered an apology while getting down on his knees to pick up the remnants of today’s lunch. She waved him off as she came to a stop at the communications station. The comm officer quivered under her intense stare.
“Yes, ma’am?” The comm officer’s lips trembled.
“Recall the away team. Tell Captain Reese we have an emergency and he needs to return immediately. I’ll explain when he’s back on board. I’ll be in my quarters.”
Chapter Three: Save the Chinchillas
“Commander? What in the name of Sam Hill is so dang important that you have to call us back from our meeting? I was about to close an important agreement with the locals: Free drinks for every tonne of sludge we processed.” Captain William “Bill” Reese slurred as he stumbled into the ready room, having obviously already sampled the wares of that agreement.
Banging into the small table, he steadied himself with a hand while reaching out with his other one to grab the chair. After several attempts, he finally made contact and pulled himself over to it. Turning his back to the chair, he bent over and looked at the chair from between his legs while slowly lowering his butt until it made contact. Then he righted himself and beamed at Mia. “Touch down!”
“We received an urgent distress call from the planet Anoupi, sir. We’re the closest ship in the vicinity so we’re ordered to suspend our mission here and proceed to the planet and offer assistance.” Mia looked directly into his eyes and lied her ass off. If he buys that, he’s a bigger idiot that I imagined.
Mia’s eyes widened as the captain began to tilt to his left from his waist up. Just when she thought he was going to tip out of his chair, he caught himself and sat back up. She noticed he wasn’t blinking. “Captain Reese? Sir? Are you awake?”
He snorted and blinked then looked around, confusion clouding his expression. “Commander? What happened to the party? And the girls? And my damn drink?”
Mia raised her hand and snapped her fingers a couple of times, drawing his attention to her instead of looking erratically around the room.
“Sir, stay with me here. We received an urgent distress call from planet Anoupi. The rare chinchillas are starving and require an emergency shipment of Phinkies if they are going to last another solar cycle. We have four days to retrieve the Phinkies from Deztian and make it to Anoupi before the sad little chinchillas waste away.” Mia plastered her most earnest looking expression on her face.
“Oh no, not the poor, sad little chinchillas!” Reese attempted to stand, stumbled to his right, ran into the wall and slumped back into his chair. He slammed his hands down on the table with a loud whack. “We must save them, Commander. Set course for An-a-whats-it immed
iately!”
“Captain, you have to give the orders to the navigation officer.” Mia reached across the table and patted his hand, resisting the urge to pat his face with her fist.
“Where the cotton pickin’ hell is the bridge? I swear I just had it here a moment ago. Commander? Where is my bridge? And where is my drink?” Reese leapt to his feet and swayed violently from left to right.
Mia stood, moved around to his side of the table and took hold of his elbow. “Come with me, sir. The bridge is right through this door. Remember, tell navigation that we have to lay in a course to Deztian and then to Anoupi. Do you understand, Captain?”
“Aye aye, matey! Wait, aren’t Phinkies outlawed? I swore I saw a memo that said they were bad mojo for all the little hojos. Ha! I made a funny. Did you like my funny, Mia Commander? Oh, I made another funny. Mia on a roll!”
Mia rolled her eyes so hard she gave herself an instant headache. “Yes, you made a horrible funny, sir, just like most of your command decisions. Do you remember that time on Nebulous Nine? With the over amorous cabana boy and the bar tab equal to your month’s pay?” Mia caught him as he fell into her, almost toppling them both over.
“Which time? I always wondered how they were able to squeeze all that flesh into such tiny little uniforms.” He stopped and turned into her, his nose a breath away from hers. “Weren’t those dancers amazing?”
The overpowering smell of alcohol mixed with two-day old sweat made Mia’s eyes water. “I wouldn’t know, Captain. You never allow me to leave the ship. Anyway, it would be horrible if Colonial Command found out about your little deviant escapades, sir.”
He straightened up and beamed at her. “I’m under orders!”
She gave him a double take. “Orders? To keep me on the ship? Or for your ghastly behavior on planet? From whom? And why?”
He placed his forefinger across his lips and made a “shushing” sound. Mia cringed and wiped his spittle off her face. The door from the ready room to the bridge groaned open just before the captain walked into it. He stumbled out onto the bridge and landed on his knees.
Chapter Four: Hey Ho, Let’s Go
“Ow.” He leaned over, placing his hands on the deck and started barking like a dog.
Mia looked around at the bridge crew. They all stared at the captain with blank expressions. She took a couple of quick steps to stand beside him. She bent over and helped him to his feet. “Don’t you have new orders for the crew, sir?”
“Arf! Arf! Aaaawhoooo. Arf!” He threw his arm around Mia and pulled her into him then attempted to dance with her.
“Captain, this is unbecoming of an officer in the Colonial Navy! We have an important mission to save the chinchillas. Unless you give the order immediately, I’m going to have to assume command until you sober up!”
“Hey ho, let’s go,” he sang and swung Mia around. She tried to push away from him but he tightened his hold around her waist. “Gotta save the chinchillas, yo!”
The navigation office coughed. “Sir, I need a clear and concise order before I can plot our course. I’m afraid ‘hey ho, let’s go’ is not an acceptable order.”
Mia made a mental note to acknowledge the navigation officer later for his quick thinking. She nodded her thanks to him in the meantime.
The captain released her, saluted the NAV officer and bellowed, “We must save the starving chinchillas of Anoupi! Set a course for Deztian! For God and country!”
“Aye, sir. Setting a course for Deztian.” The NAV officer turned back to his console and began programming their course.
“Mister Drake, please see that the captain makes it to his quarters and tuck him in for the night.” Mia motioned for the captain’s assistant to attend to him. “Oh, and let’s not forget to lock his cabin door this time. I don’t want security waking me up in the middle of the night to inform me he’s chasing rabbits in his birthday suit through engineering again, savvy?”
“Yes, Commander.” Drake steered Captain Reese towards the lift that would convey them from the bridge to the crew decks.
Once the lift door closed, Mia crossed over to the command chair and plopped herself down. She sighed, then noticed the room was deathly silent. She looked around and found everyone staring at her.
“Is the course set, Ensign Roberts?” Mia sat forward in the chair.
“Yes, ma’am. Awaiting orders to break orbit and proceed to Deztian.” Roberts tried to hide his smirk.
Mia sat back. “Break orbit and proceed to Deztian, Ensign.”
“Aye, Commander. Leaving orbit now and proceeding onward to the planet Deztian. Our estimated time for arrival is in a little under one solar, ma’am.”
“Very well, Roberts, you have the ship. I’m going to the galley for some chow and then off duty for the night. Report to me if anything unusual springs up.”
“Aye, Commander, see you in the morning.”
Mia hoisted herself out of the command chair and strolled across the bridge to the side lift that would take her to the officer’s mess. She yawned and stretched as she waited for the lift doors to open.
Chapter Five: The Cannibal Captain
“Good morning, Captain. You look like you have a pleasant night,” Mia smiled brightly at the obviously hung-over Captain Reese. “May I join you?”
Reese pointed at the chair across from the table and pushed his tray of food to the side with a wince. He placed his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands. Mia sat her tray, heaped with fruits and pastries, down before pulling out her chair and taking a seat.
“How much of last night do you remember, sir?” she asked before taking a bite of a sweet smelling, exotic strawberry-like fruit.
“The last thing I can remember,” he mumbled from behind his hands, “was toasting to our extended mission to provide disposal service of toxic mine tailings. Although, I do have an inkling of howling at the moon and dancing naked under its magical glow.”
Mia took a sip of her strong tea then set it down. She looked at her miserable captain. “Then you don’t remember getting orders to assist the chinchillas on Anoupi?” Her stomach tightened while she waited for his answer.
He looked up with a confused look on his face. “There aren’t any chinchillas on Anoupi. That’s a hedonist training planet. Are you trying to pull a fast one on me?”
Mia leaned forward so only Reese could hear her. “I got a communication from the closest thing to family that I have. She’s been kidnapped and held for ransom. They want 100 tonne of Phinkies. We have less than four solars to get the Phinkies and exchange it for her. If it were anyone else, I’d let them rot. But I owe Tefeau my life.”
“Sorry, Commander, the HMS Falderal is not in the service of running errands for family members, no matter what debt is owed. We’re heading back to the planet and resuming our mission immediately.” Captain Reese shoved his chair back. As he was about to stand, Mia placed her hand on top of his.
“Please, sir. Couldn’t you make an exception just this once?” she pleaded and it made her feel nauseous.
“No, Commander, I’m afraid not.” He looked over at her with a sad expression.
Mia’s face changed from pleading to raging bitch in the blink of his eye. “Then you give me no choice. If you don’t comply with my request, I’ll be forced to report your indiscretions with the cabana boys and girls on Nebulous Nine to Colonial Command and have you relieved of duty.”
“Which time?” Reese quipped with a toothy grin. He stood and headed to the lift located across the room from their table.
“All of them.” Mia stood up and raced after him. She grabbed his arm and made him stop. “What do I have to do to get you to save my friend?”
He looked at her and then at her hand. Mia let go of him like he was burning her hand. “Please, Captain. I don’t know how to convince you how important this is.”
“Why don’t you explain to me exactly how important it is and then maybe I’ll consider it.” Reese crossed his arms ov
er his chest and waited.
“Here? In front of everyone in the mess hall?” Mia’s cheeks flushed.
“Report to my ready room in 30 horae.” He unfolded his arms and continued on his way to the lift.
Mia watched him board the lift and only returned to her table after the doors closed. She sat down, staring at her food. Her stomach rumbled but she couldn’t force her hand to pick up the fork and eat. She thought about Tefeau and pushed her tray away. She sat back in her chair and scowled. Taking a deep breath, she grabbed her now tepid tea and took a long drink. She set her mug down on the table with a sharp bang, startling the mess attendant clearing the next table over.
“You through with your breakfast, ma’am?” he asked, pointing at her tray.
Mia nodded and slid her mug over to him. He quickly took the offered mug and gathered up her tray then left her to her thoughts. With no idea what she was going to say to the captain, she left the mess hall and took the lift up to the bridge.
The lift door opened, revealing a flurry of activity on the bridge. Twice the normal amount of crew were gathered in five different groups. The communications officers were huddled near the comm station, going over the end of shift report. The engineering, security, science and medical were doing likewise by their stations. The captain sat in the command chair at the center of the storm. He looked up as she stepped out of the lift. He stood and headed for the ready room. Mia followed him. It wasn’t unusual for them to hold their start of shift meeting away from the rest of the crew.
The door to the ready room closed as Mia took her seat and the captain pulled up the night shift report. He skimmed over it before turning to look at her.
“Nothing exciting of note in last night’s report.” He sat back and folded his hands in his lap. “Thank you for leaving out whatever embarrassing stunts I might have pulled.”