Drop of Doubt

by C. L. Stone

  The others started moving. Nathan released my hand. While everyone collected their school things, I stood alone in the foyer with my book bag.

  Gabriel tried to offer me a bottle of coffee, but I refused. I didn’t have the stomach for it. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. I felt the shaking wanting to take over but I steeled myself against it. I wouldn’t let Kota see me shaking, afraid it would make things worse.

  Outside, Kota opened the passenger side door for me without a word. I avoided looking at him but took the seat, afraid to disobey. Nathan and Gabriel joined us. The car was dead quiet all the way. I had a fleeting thought about Marie perhaps needing a ride, but since Kota didn’t stop at my house, I assumed she’d started riding the bus while I was gone.

  At school, Nathan nearly leapt out of the car, opening my door for me. I wanted to say thank you but my throat felt closed up. I stood aside, folding my arms over my stomach, feeling too awkward and out of place right now. I wasn’t sure where to stand or what to do. I was afraid to ask questions. I was grounded. I’d been grounded before, but not in this way.

  I followed behind the others. I knew I wasn’t supposed to. Mr. Blackbourne had said more than once to me that I wasn’t allowed to walk behind the guys. I couldn’t help it now. I didn’t feel like part of them. I was in trouble. I couldn’t obey orders. I wasn’t good enough for the Academy.

  For something to look at, I gazed at the wave of cars, trying to find Victor’s. If I could get any sympathy from anyone, it would be from him.

  Or would he be angry, too?

  I let the others open school doors for me until we reached the courtyard. I followed them to the corner. When we were there, I knelt on the grass, turning partially. I wanted to keep an eye out for Victor.

  “Get off the grass, Sang,” Kota said in a quiet voice, but still laced with command.

  I stood, found a corner of the bench, but instead of sitting, I knelt like I’d done in the grass. This hurt the cuts on my legs, kneeling against the concrete. With the rough material of the jeans, I thought my tiny scabs were getting scratched open. I reveled in the pain, feeling I really did deserve it. I stared off away from the others.

  Gabriel snapped open a bottle of chilled coffee. He held the end out to me. “Sang,” he said quietly.

  I shook my head, warding off the drink.

  “You need to eat something,” Gabriel said. “You look like shit.”

  I wanted to tell him I was fine, but didn’t want to talk because my voice would crack. The best I could do was shake my head again, refusing and staring off at the grass.

  “Eat something,” Kota ordered.

  Was he going to force me to eat? My stomach was twisted in anger at myself for making mistakes. If I ate, my stomach would hurt.

  “Sang.” Kota’s voice was a little sharper this time.

  I closed my eyes, shaking my head again. I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to do.

  I sensed movement next to me and I turned in time to see Kota marching over to me. I flinched, raising my hands up in defense out of instinct. Why I did it, I don’t know. Maybe something ingrained into me from years of dealing with my mother. When she’d approached me in the same manner, I’d usually needed to protect myself.

  Kota’s eyes widened in surprise. It only stopped him for a moment before he finally reached me, grabbing at my arm. “Stand up,” he said. “Everyone stay here. Sang, come with me.”

  Was I in more trouble? Was it because I didn’t want to eat? I gazed at the others, looking for help. While a couple of them met my eyes, no one stood up. They wouldn’t disobey Kota.

  I scrambled to my feet as Kota led me away from the others. When I was moving on my own, he let go of my arm, leading the way back out of the courtyard and through the hallways.

  Kota held open the doors to the main office. Soon we were at a familiar unmarked door. He opened it without knocking, standing back to allow me to enter first.

  No one was inside the small office this morning. I wondered where Mr. Blackbourne and Dr. Green were.

  “Sit,” Kota said.

  My spine iced over. Was he going to bark orders at me like he did his dog? Fearing what he was up to, I planted myself on top of Dr. Green’s desk. I dropped my bag into the chair and pushed back Dr. Green’s things on his desk to give me room to kneel on it like I had the bench outside. I found comfort in kneeling, for some reason. I was going to do it on the floor, but thought that was too much.

  Kota paced in front of me. He was muttering something, and to me it sounded like he was counting. When it sounded like he reached sixty, he turned to me, his face was unreadable. “Well?”

  My eyes widened. What did he want me to say? I didn’t know why I was here. My mouth felt heavy, my tongue glued to the top of my mouth. The best I could manage was a pitiful sound that was half moan.

  He approached me. His eyes were wide. Desperate. “Talk to me,” he said.

  I peeled my lips apart, unhinging my jaw that wanted to lock itself up. “I don’t know what to say,” I croaked out in a whisper. “What do you want from me?”

  He flinched his head back. “You looked like you were ready to fall apart. I was giving you a chance to do it here and not in front of the others.”

  Is that what he was worried about? Maybe if I wasn’t so tired, so overdone, I could have broken down, but something inside of me had steeled over. I was completely numb. I spoke the truth. “I don’t feel like anything.”

  “You can’t do this all day, Sang.”

  I met his gaze, feeling the steel in me drawing up and taking over. “Are you going to tell me when I can and can’t eat, and when I can cry and not cry?”

  His lips parted, his mouth was moving, but the words didn’t form.

  Before he could manage to say anything, the door opened behind him. He stepped aside.

  Mr. Blackbourne materialized at the open doorway and spotted us, looking surprised. “Kota?” he said, mildly curious. His eyes settled on me, and his countenance shifted. His lips dropped into a frown. He closed the door behind himself. “Miss Sorenson?”

  “Mr. Blackbourne,” I said in a voice cooler than I’d intended, after all, he hadn’t been there the night before. I didn’t want to seem so cold to him.

  Mr. Blackbourne’s eyes focused on Kota, the gray steeling over as heavily as my heart was then. “There better be a very good reason why she looks like this, and I can’t imagine one. Start talking, Mr. Lee.”

  Kota spoke, describing how last night we had been on lockdown and had all gathered at Nathan’s house. He explained how we all went to bed and at some point in the night he woke up to find me missing. “Luke was gone, like expected, but when I checked with the others, no one else knew where she was. We were about to go to the job point to find him, when they rode up on North’s bike together. Luke had taken her along.”

  “Did something happen on the job?” Mr. Blackbourne asked, glancing at me. “Is that why she looks like you’ve hit her?”

  “She’s grounded,” Kota said, his mouth setting firm. “Her and Luke.”

  Mr. Blackbourne raised a cool eyebrow. “Why?”

  Kota tilted his head, as if not expecting this. “She disobeyed orders.”

  “She’s not yours to order,” Mr. Blackbourne said. “I shouldn’t have to remind you she’s not on our team.”

  “She’s with us,” Kota said. “She broke the rules. She was on lockdown to keep her safe and she left. I don’t know what else to do. When we break the rules, we’re grounded.”

  “What do you want from her, Mr. Lee?” Mr. Blackbourne asked. “I gave Luke orders to take the quietest one in the group with him. I wasn’t specific, and he chose Miss Sorenson. I’d like to lecture him on being cocky, but as far as I’m concerned, Mr. Taylor was obeying orders and Miss Sorenson trusted Mr. Taylor enough to know what he was doing. We can’t ask her to trust us and then punish her for that trust when one of us asks her to do something.”

  “But ...”


  “What I should be asking you is how Miss Sorenson left the house without you being aware. How is it when she is back safe, she ends up grounded, but you bring her to school like this?” His hand directed to me.

  Kota grunted, blowing out a puff of air. “She’s been this way since this morning. She won’t eat anything and she won’t talk to anyone. When she sits, she kneels like she’s doing now.”

  “Of course she is. Can’t you see? She’s torturing herself over it. She’ll starve herself to death just to find out if you still care about her. It’s her way of apologizing without risking angering you further. Her parents taught her redemption comes through harsh punishment.”

  My body started to rattle. Was it true? Maybe it was. I was tired, so I was probably overreacting, but knowing Kota was so mad at me had me so angry with myself.

  Kota’s mouth fell open. “I didn’t ... I was trying to tell her to eat.”

  “You can’t make demands when a girl looks like this. I’m surprised she didn’t punch you. I gave her orders not to let you guys push her around.”

  “I’m not trying to push her around! I’m trying to protect her.”

  “Does she know that?” Mr. Blackbourne lifted a fist pointing it at his face and then at me. “Did you tell her why she’s grounded? Or did you just tell her what you thought she did wrong?”

  Kota blinked at him. “I ... was angry.”

  “And?”

  “... I was worried,” Kota said. His eyes slid to me. “I was worried about you, Sang. After you were kidnapped, I didn’t want you out of my sight and suddenly you weren’t there and I spent most of the morning wondering if Luke really had taken you or if you’d somehow been kidnapped again under my nose. When you came back and ...” Kota’s cheeks reddened. “When you pretended like everything was just fine, I was angry at you.” He bowed his head. “I’m sorry.”

  “Miss Sorenson,” Mr. Blackbourne focused on me, his eyes softening. He planted his hands on either side of my thighs, bending slightly at the hip so he could level his eyes to mine. “Look at me and tell me what happened last night.”

  I glanced at Kota, but Mr. Blackbourne tilted his head, catching my eyes and redirecting my attention.

  “Mr. Taylor hasn’t gotten back to me with his report. You’ll have to fill me in. Please.”

  I told him everything. I started when Luke asked me to go for a ride, to stopping Mr. Morris from following us, to Mrs. Fredrick’s home, to getting almost lost in the woods, to the break-in, the gunshot, the escape. I skipped over getting bandaged in the bathroom with Luke, and him trying to teach me to pickpocket, but it seemed too trivial to matter. The bell for homeroom rang out and then first period started before I finished. “When we got back, they were all awake and ...” I said, but stopped, my throat dry.

  Mr. Blackbourne fished a bottle of water from Dr. Green’s desk and opened the top. “Does Mr. Taylor still have the camera?” He passed the bottle to me.

  “Yes,” I said, taking the water and sipping from it.

  “Mr. Blackbourne,” Kota said. “Did you listen to her? She broke into a house. She could have been caught, or shot, or ...”

  “So could Mr. Taylor. Are you holding him to a different standard than her?”

  Kota frowned. “I’m trying not to.“

  “Either you bring her in fully and let her work with us, or she lives her own life and doesn’t have to follow our suggestions. You can’t have both. As far as I’m concerned, she’s shown an amazing amount of trust following Luke and she proved she’s more than capable of handling the work.” Mr. Blackbourne turned back to me. “But I suppose your jealousy is talking.”

  “Jealousy?” Kota spat out. “I’m not—”

  “Miss Sorenson,” Mr. Blackbourne said. “Could you do me a favor?”

  I nodded. I wanted to agree with Mr. Blackbourne, who had been so supportive, but I didn’t want to alienate Kota, either. He only grounded me because he cared, and he was quiet because he didn’t want to yell like North. This felt deeper than when Gabriel grounded me. This was Kota afraid for my safety and wanting to keep me as close as possible. I felt for him, even if I disagreed with how strict he wanted to be. “What do you want me to do?” I asked Mr. Blackbourne.

  “I’m going to leave this room and pretend I didn’t walk into the middle of this. Kota will apologize to you properly. Are you okay with this? If you can forgive him for being worried about you.”

  I blushed. Was that what this was about? Why couldn’t Kota have just told me?

  I nodded to Mr. Blackbourne. “I can.”

  He nudged my arm a little, and gestured to my kneeling position. I realized he wanted me to hop off the desk. I did, standing.

  He massaged my arm gently. The touch was soothing and commanding at the same time. I felt every tug of his fingers, molding me to stand straighter, to look him in the eyes, to obey his every order. “He’s trying,” he said quietly.

  I understood. Mr. Blackbourne nodded, glanced once at Kota and then left the room, locking the door behind us.

  In the quiet that followed, it was harder to say something. Kota stared at the floor. At first, I thought he was angry that Mr. Blackbourne had told him he was wrong.

  I moved toward him. I didn’t want to be like this anymore. We were both worn out. This wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t Luke’s either. When we left last night, we didn’t think about this part. Maybe I should have blamed Volto. If it wasn’t for his antics, maybe Kota wouldn’t have felt this way about Luke taking me.

  Kota raised his head as I approached him. It looked like he wanted to talk, his lips were parted, but he held back whatever it was he wanted to say.

  I positioned myself next to him. I held on to his arm for leverage, stood on my toes and kissed at his cheek. A wave of warmth suddenly washed over my body, drawing strength from him. It was what I’d been wanting all morning but didn’t know how to tell them. I’d felt cold as they kept their distance, not wanting to start a fight, but all I really wanted was to feel someone’s arms around me and know I was safe again That they wanted me. I didn’t want to feel so cold anymore. If it took me showing some warmth to get warmth in return, I’d do it. I’d follow Mr. Blackbourne’s request. He seemed to understand.

  My lips lingered on his cheek. I pulled back an inch. “I’m sorry I didn’t wake you and tell you,” I whispered. “I only wanted to help when he asked.”

  When I pulled back more, Kota’s eyes were closed. It looked like he was having trouble regulating his breathing. “I’m sorry I was angry,” he said quietly.

  I thought that would be it. I backed off a half step to give him room.

  Kota leapt at me. His arms encircled me around my shoulders and drew me in, hugging me close.

  Stunned, I sucked in a breath, inhaling his spicy cologne. My fingers traced the fibers of the school uniform jacket. I pressed my face into his chest. The strength I had used to help ward off the shaking and nervousness suddenly gone. I began to shake.

  He raised a hand to the back of my head, holding me to him. “Not yet, sweetie. Don’t break on me now.” He lowered his head, nuzzling his nose against my forehead. “Sang, I need you.”

  I breathed in another wave of his cologne and nodded against his chest. I wiped at my eyes. “Sorry.”

  “You’re not sorry,” he said in a quiet voice. He dropped his nose against my cheek, and then tilted is head.

  His lips met with my cheek, close to my jaw.

  I shuddered hard, and gripped tightly to his jacket. His lips lingered on my face, as if he wanted to stay in that moment for a long time. He pulled his head back and planted another kiss on my cheek, close to my ear.

  “Promise me next time you’ll tell me where you’re going?” he whispered.

  “I promise.”

  He breathed heavily against my ear, holding to me tighter. His fingers drew in the material of the shirt I wore. He balled it up into his hands, and then released it to grip at my back again. “I’
ll never regret having bumped into you,” he said, “but some days I wished I’d kept you to myself.”

  Before I could ask anything or reply, he took my hand and his lips met with my cheek again. He kissed me once more and then backed away. His eyes were closed and he turned, as if trying to find some control.

  “Kota,” I said quietly. My heart fluttered. I found my lips moving before I could stop myself. “Let’s go home,” I said. “Let’s skip today and go sleep. Let’s ...”

  He stiffened, his hands clenching into fists that he loosened and then re-clenched. “Sweetie, I want to. I really want to, but we can’t. We have to stay here. I swear, if it wasn’t for Mr. Hendricks ...”

  I understood. I reached out for his hand. “Sorry,” I said.

  “Don’t be,” he said. He squeezed my hand. “Let’s get this over with. I’ll make it up to you. Tonight, for your real birthday, you can sleep. You can paint everyone’s fingernails. We’ll buy more cupcakes.”

  He let go of me, and then shrugged off his jacket. He held it out, urging me to put it on. I did, feeling the warmth of his body still in the material. I’d never worn their faux school uniform. This felt like it meant something to him. Once I had it on, he tugged the collar around my neck, drawing me in.

  He kissed my cheek. It surprised me. I don’t know how, but I’d imagined before he’d wanted to kiss me and then he used to hesitate like he didn’t want to. And now when I kissed his cheek, it was like I’d unleashed something in him, like I’d done to Victor. Now he couldn’t kiss me enough. And I couldn’t get enough. Every little peck was too short.

  He backed his head up. “We’ll do what you want. Just try to make it through today. Okay?”

  I nodded and reshuffled my book bag on my shoulders. I forced myself to find some courage to face the rest of the day.

  Kota needed me.

  TOO CLOSE FOR NORTH’S COMFORT

  The moment I settled into my second period class with North and Nathan, the overhead speaker in the class interrupted the attendance roll call.