Dire Shenanigans (The Making of a Man Series, Book 2)

by Andrew Wareham

  "I am forced to return to America, Father. No choice, in effect. I came to the attention of government for being one of the few men in England to have been close to General McClellan - and persuaded them that he was a weak man, one of no value to this country. They wish to know more about General Grant and believe that I may be able to find out for them. If they can support him, well and good; if he too shows as a weakling - and there are some who say he is no more than a drunkard - then they may decide to back the Confederates as a better bet for the future."

  "Do we care what they do in London, Richard?"

  "Do we want our government hand in glove with slave holders, sir?"

  "No. Of course not - they must support the cause of freedom, overseas and in England. The last thing any businessman wants is to discover our land-owning government in bed with that sort! The first they would slap down would be people like us - the self-made who challenge them by having money!"

  Dick believed the same - he had no love and no trust for the old aristocracy.

  "Better as well that America grows strong with Northern industry flourishing. In time there will be a power that will balance out the old European autarchies."

  The Old Man had a particular hatred for Russia and could see the advantage of another military power in the world.

  "I must go, sir. For a number of reasons, but not least is that I dare not offend the government of this country - I intend to make money, not powerful enemies."

  That was logical, in its way.

  "I need Sergeant Bill, sir. To sit in my place in Liverpool and build the firm for me. Mr Robinson is a fine chemical inventor, but has no business sense at all. A twelvemonth on his own and he would lose everything."

  "You will have to pay him."

  "A significant salary and, as well, he will pay himself, I hope. A share of the profits he makes us."

  "If he wishes to do it, I will not object. Two or three weeks at a time there, then here for as long."

  Sergeant Bill was willing, quite fancied a change in fact, the opportunity to stretch his brain; he specified that he would go as Mr Williams.

  "I have been long enough doing too little, Sir Godby - it is time I did something for myself before I become fit for nothing but the fireside. We must discover a young man to take my place here, Sir Godby. You should be accompanied, I think."

  The Old Man laughed at that - he was not afraid, he said.

  "You have your share of enemies, Sir Godby - successful men commonly have."

  "Few of them remain, Sergeant Bill - I have been very well behaved these last few years!"

  "More than one man was bankrupted and had sons, sir. There may be one or two with long memories still."

  "To hell with them! I do not fear them or their grudges!"

  Sergeant Bill appeared in the Old Man's study two days later, an unknown thirty-year old at his heels.

  "Josh Painter, Sir Godby, who has been a Marine in his time and has recently been a Wild Man of Borneo in a travelling fair. Stained brown and with a long wig and dressed in a bear skin to seem very savage. His trick was to be chained bellowing and raving to an anvil in his cage and, when the crowd was sufficient, to break his chains, at a proper weak link of course, and then to pick up the anvil, weighing some two hundredweight, and lift it over his head before throwing it at the iron bars. Very terrifying to all beholders!"

  Painter was not a tall man but was very heavily muscled, wearing a loose jacket to disguise his great torso.

  "Wearisome, day after day, one would imagine, Mr Painter?"

  "Tedious, sir, and none too well paid. The company was rather low as well, sir, the Fat Lady on the stand next to me and the Snake Man beyond her."

  "What was the Snake Man?"

  "He had a constrictor snake from Africa or somewhere which slithered all over him and wound about his neck on occasion. A great thick long green thing, it was - very nasty."

  "And the Fat Lady?"

  "Damned near thirty stone of her, sir; twice an afternoon she would stand on the scales with three full one hundred and forty pound flour sacks on the other side and all the yokels damning their eyes in amazement. Other than that she just sat down and was fat."

  "And they paid money for that?"

  "Only a penny or two, sir. The best freaks are in the London shows, so I am told, and they make much more. Dwarfs riding on the backs of pigs are very popular for some reason, especially if they joust like ancient knights, and Siamese Twins make silver, so they say."

  "Wonderful folk, people! Never let you down - just when you think you know everything they discover something new and even more disgusting!"

  There was a grunt of agreement; Sir Godby returned to business.

  "You are to be my man, I presume, in place of the good sergeant?"

  "Yes, sir, so he tells me. To be at your side whenever you travel, and at your offices and warehouses. If the need should arise, sir, then I am to step in front of you. I have no family, sir, so if I die from a bullet that is an end to it; if I am crippled then Sergeant Bill has told me I will be pensioned."

  "Two hundred a year, living in, all found - guaranteed for life. Will that do you?"

  "Amply, sir, thank you."

  "Good. Start today?"

  "Certainly, Sir Godby."

  "Right. First thing, you speak like an educated man. How?"

  "My father, sir, was a bully. I came home from school in the summer of my sixteenth birthday to find my mother badly bruised. I saw him to backhand her next day and I beat him within an inch of his life, fairly much literally, I fear. I boxed at school and was powerfully built even then and probably went too far in my righteous indignation. He was a local attorney and a public figure and his injuries became known to the police and I left my home at some speed, joining up a few days later and many miles away. I was ten years a Marine, sir, becoming a corporal - promotion is slow in the Jollies. Then the ship was placed under orders for China and I chose not to go, not fancying the better part of six months either way and at least three years on station. Hence the Wild Man of Borneo in the fair - an unrecognisable disguise."

  Sir Godby laughed - he much preferred to have rogues about him, they were far more predictable in their behaviour, much more trustworthy than honest men who might suddenly be overcome by moral scruples.

  "Five years as my bodyguard, Painter. If you are willing then we will be able to discover a function for you where you can use your education and obvious intellect - and make some money."

  Painter smiled politely - he had heard generous promises before, would wait in hope but little expectation.

  Dick introduced Mr William Williams to Mr Robinson and left the two men to come to an accommodation with each other, visiting with Mr Mayhew for the while.

  "Power of attorney for Mr Williams, giving the right to vote your shares, Mr Burke - you are showing a great deal of confidence in the gentleman, sir."

  "He will not abuse me, I believe, sir. In any case, to be honest, Mr Mayhew, I am not cut out to be a businessman, I fear. Day after day watching the pennies, counting the gains, sitting in the same chair in my office - I doubt I can survive such an existence."

  Mayhew raised an eyebrow - he would have liked little more than to count the number of pennies liable to cross Mr Burke's desk.

  "Mr Williams will provide me with an income to fall back on, Mr Mayhew. For the while I am off to America again, back to the wars, as an observer rather than a participant, I sincerely trust."

  Elizabeth Parsons was quite certain that she must soon take ship to England; she was not, she told herself, getting any younger and at least one half of her female acquaintance was five years wed by her age, most with two or three children to their credit. In wartime as well, the young lady must be expected to be offering comfort to her man going to battle - it was almost unpatriotic to be unattached.

  Patriotism also raised the question of her business activities and of the level of gain that could only be called profiteering. S
he was making so much money that it was becoming an embarrassment to her - there was a physical limit to the quantity of silks she could move south and she needed to find an outlet for the capital accumulating in her bank accounts. Her manager, Mr Larson, was investigating the possibilities, had come up with a number already.

  "Steel, ma'am, by the new processes that make it possible to produce plate rather cheaply. No longer must we be dependent on wrought iron for our ships and railway boilers and tracks."

  "I had thought that iron was steel, Mr Larson, the terms synonymous, as it were."

  He pointed out with great superiority that the two were very distinct and possessed different properties; he had himself had the difference explained two days previously and was proud of his knowledge.

  "Steel, Miss Parsons, will enable huge advances in industry and will be demanded by the millions of tons within a very few years. A Mr Bessemer has produced a device, a Converter, that for the first time ever will produce steel by the furnace load rather than in tiny blocks from the crucible - it is an invention, I am assured, comparable with the creation of the steam engine. Armour plate, ma'am, for the new ironclads!"

  "What are they, Mr Larson?"

  The education of genteel young ladies did not include any great depth of scientific or technical knowledge - but it did allow for an awareness of attempts to patronise the little woman.

  "Vessels such as the Monitor, Miss Parsons - constructed wholly of steel - an impossibility even five years ago. They will carry huge cannon, again constructed of steel rather than of cast iron reinforced with wrought bands."

  Investment in this new metal would be a patriotic act, would do much to assuage her conscience; she was immediately in favour.

  "An enterprise in Pittsburgh has been brought to my attention, Miss Parsons, the businessman, or entrepreneur as some now say, having miscalculated his initial outlays. He has his Converter, and his supplies of iron ore and coke and scrap iron and limestone, and he has employed a seemingly huge number of hands - all essential, he assures me - and will fall into profit just as soon as his income begins to flow. His initial capital was sufficient to bring him to this point, but he discovers that there is a shortfall, a gap to cover, some three months during which he must produce and make deliveries and pay his costs, but in which his customers will not pay him. His contracts all specify that he is to be paid after he has delivered his product, as is entirely normal. He must cover this hiatus from his own funds, and they, unfortunately, are very nearly exhausted."

  "The banks?"

  "Will rarely lend to new businesses, ma'am, particularly those that manufacture. Bankers do not understand the concept of making things and generally steer well clear of industry. In addition, Miss Parsons, just at the moment there are very high rates to be earned in the fields of luxury goods and the banks are devoting their resources to the import merchants."

  "What has this gentleman in Pittsburgh to offer his saviour, Mr Larson?"

  "He is thinking of a loan of fifty thousands for three months at fifteen per cent per annum, ma'am."

  "Then he is wasting my time, Mr Larson!"

  A return of less than two thousand dollars was not worth bothering with, she felt.

  "What is his business worth on the market, Mr Larson?"

  "Nothing, if he sold now - he would be effectively bankrupt, fit only for the vultures to pick over. He has spent more than two hundred thousand and would be lucky to see ten at auction."

  "Is he an engineer, Mr Larson? Can he be trusted to run his enterprise efficiently?"

  "He made his money from a small foundry, ma'am. I believe he knows his trade."

  "But he needs his hand held when it comes to business. So be it, Mr Larson. Inform him that I will invest in his Converter, on the basis that I own fifty per cent of the shares plus one - a majority. I will also take charge of the business side of the firm. Take it or leave it, Mr Larson. What is his name?"

  "Mr Clausen - some sort of Scandahoovian background, I understand, ma'am, his father a farmer with a belief in educating his many offspring."

  "The firm becomes Clausen, Parsons and Burke, then Mr Larson."

  "I will convey your offer to him immediately, ma'am - he has come to Washington to secure a contract with the Navy, I believe - and has been attempting to discover a source of funding at the same time. He must by now be desperate, because I believe him to have his contract in his pocket."

  "I will wish to accompany him to Pittsburgh, Mr Larson. A letter to Major Burke, to inform him that I am delayed again in crossing the Atlantic, is the next task of the day."

  "Yes, ma'am. I am to inform Mr Clausen that you will purchase the shares in Clausens?"

  "No, Mr Larson - I will take the shareholding and will invest all that is necessary to keep the firm in profitable existence. The sum will be not less than the fifty thousands he has specified, but may be more if the need arises. If the amount rises in excess of, say seventy thousands, then I will lend to the company in the form of debentures, but he need not worry his mind with such minor technicalities. How did you come into contact with him, by the way, sir?"

  "I was introduced to him by a mutual business acquaintance, Miss Parsons."

  Mr Larson chose to say no more, hoping that she would not wish to discover a provenance for that particular person, Mrs Clara being the proprietress of the house of ill-fame that Larson patronised with some frequency. In the nature of things the lady had a wide circle of friends and often served to introduce businessmen to each other, charging only a very reasonable fee for that one of her services.

  Miss Parsons noticed and chose to respect his reticence. Men tended to behave disgracefully, she understood, and she preferred to remain ignorant of their doings. As well, she had no wish to discover anything about Mr Larson, who had a tendency to leer on occasion. She thought it possible that he had ambitions on her person, or possibly on her share of the firm, and had no wish at all to gratify him with either.

  She sat to her desk and the accounts, assigning fifty thousands apiece from the profits she and Major Burke had accumulated; she had no doubt that he would wish to be associated with her in this speculation. She had Power of Attorney - he would be well advised to be happy.

  Larson brought Mr Clausen to the office on the following afternoon. He was a tall, red-haired gentleman in his thirties and possessed of rugged Norse features, quite handsome in his way, she supposed; he was also more than a little irritated.

  "I understand you want to take over the control of my firm, Miss Parsons. Let me give you to understand, madam, that..."

  "Throw this bum out of my office, Mr Larson! Let him beg in the street! I do not need him or his firm!"

  Larson was shocked by his employer's vulgarity; he was also well aware that Clausen was three inches the taller and perhaps fifty pounds the heavier man. He turned to the door to call for help from the two clerks in the outer office.

  Clausen was also shocked, dumbfounded in fact - very few men had ever treated him with such disdain, and never a woman. He realised as well that she was his sole chance of survival - there was no other possible source for the money he needed.

  "Hold on a minute, ma'am. Let us not be premature! I am sorry that I expressed myself so poorly, Miss Parsons - I am more used to talking to foundrymen than to ladies. It is merely that it seems to me that your demands are out of proportion to the investment you are asked to make."

  "The alternative for you is insolvency, sir. For me? There are a hundred other investment opportunities, any of which would be open to me. I am considering your firm solely because the nation is at war and needs the steel you can produce. Major Burke, my business partner, is currently in England and has informed me of rich projects there and I will go, with my gold, unless I can find a very persuasive alternative here. And, sir, let us be blunt - you may be a dab hand at metallurgy, but your business acumen seems sadly lacking; the first concern of any businessman should be his cashflow, yet you have been caught unaw
ares! I am taking a significant risk in allying myself with a man of your limited talents!"

  He had never been so insulted, believed that he demeaned himself by staying - but if he walked out then his only prospect was bankruptcy. He could ask for time while he took advice - but he suspected she would simply say 'take it or leave it'. Which did he value more? His pride, his amour propre, his manly dignity, or his pocketbook?

  "I must apologise again, ma'am. Will you take the matter to your lawyers here in Washington?"

  "Have you registered a company, Mr Clausen?"

  "Well, actually, I had not quite gotten round to the fiddly bits of detail, you might say, Miss Parsons..."

  "We will go to my people now, sir. A quarter of a million one-dollar shares, one hundred and twenty-five thousand and one to be in my name. What salary do you draw from the firm, sir?"

  "I am the owner, ma'am - I took the profit."

  She clapped a hand to her brow in despair - the man should not be let out of doors on his own.

  "I will explain to you one day, Mr Clausen. For the while we shall give you a nominal ten thousand, myself the same. The actual money may or may not be paid in the first year or two, of course. Just be satisfied that it is a means of converting apparent profit into a real cost that may be deducted from any taxes due. Better far to pay ourselves wages than to take profits, sir!"

  He could not imagine why that might be, simply accepted her word and mutely tagged along behind to the lawyers.

  "Why have you assigned one half of your shares to Major Burke and to be held in England, ma'am, while simultaneously retaining the power to vote them yourself?"

  "The Union needs the goodwill of the British government, of course, Mr Clausen. While we are partly a British firm then Washington must be polite to us!"

  Book Two: The Making

  of a Man Series

  Chapter Three

  Washington still stank.

  Dick sniffed the air and decided that the aroma was if anything slightly worse - even more people to overstrain the already inadequate sewer system, yet more horses to foul the thick mud of the streets. How the whole population had not died of plague amazed him - small wonder that the President had lost a son to contaminated water.