by Rina Kent
No wonder she has those panic attacks. No wonder she completely freaked out when seeing me kill. I stand tall, my shoulders slumping. I want to hug her, but the meaning in her words isn’t lost on me.
“You think I’ll end up killing you like your father killed your mother.” I’m not asking, I’m stating a fact. This explains why she’s always calling me a monster. She thinks I’m like her father.
In that case, no matter what I do, she’ll never accept me. Even if she does, her initial thoughts about me will always remain at the back of her head.
I turn to leave.
I need to give her and myself time. It wasn’t a joke earlier, I’m never leaving her. However, I need to think of a way to not look like the obsessed creep I am when I paste myself to her life.
Soft arms wrap around my waist from behind. A wet face glues to my back and Zoe whispers against my skin. “I know you’ll never hurt me and it’s confusing. You are the spitting image of Dad in character and looks and… everything. If I know you won’t hurt me, then why am I so sure that Dad did?”
She shudders, her voice dropping an octave. “What if something went wrong with my memories?”
Chapter Twenty-Five
A monster. Your father is a monster.
Run, Zoe. Run!
I startle awake with sweat beading down my temples. I push my hair back with shaky hands. When I had that nightmare during the night, strong hands surrounded me and whispered soothing words in my ear. I was able to go back to peaceful sleep.
Now, only unmade sheets and his scent remain, but there’s no trace of Shadow.
Disappointment gnaws at my gut.
Maybe he left. After last night, I shouldn’t blame him. After all, isn’t that the reason why I told him all that? He now knows why I’m so against his killer lifestyle and how it relates to my past.
Yet instead of pushing him away, I hugged him and let him spoon me in his embrace as I fell asleep.
It’s crazy how my entire being moulds into him with a single touch. No. It’s scary. Shadow is bad for me and my sanity. What scares me the most is that the more I know about his past, the harder it is to stay away from him. I can’t refuse him or pretend I have no feelings for him.
At this rate, I’ll always cave in and soon enough, I’ll find myself on the same path as Mum.
Shadow didn’t rape me. I remind myself. Shadow doesn’t go on hysterical fights with me.
Even those excuses aren’t enough to quench my concern especially with the baby growing inside me.
I place a hand over my bare stomach. It’ll start showing soon, and I have hard decisions to make. The most important of all is whether or not I should let Shadow know about the child.
Even if I don’t believe Shadow to be a complete monster, nothing will erase the fact that he’s a killer. How can I let my child grow up in that environment?
I pick up my phone and dial Elle. She answers after a few rings.
“Zoe? What’s wrong?” Her voice is sleepy but alarmed.
Darn. It’s about five in the morning. “Sorry for waking you up. I’ll call later.”
“No, don’t hang up!” she whispers. There’s some rustle, a door being opened then closed. Her voice goes back to normal. “What is it, Zoe? Is everything all right?”
“Yeah. It’s all good.” I feel like the shittiest friend for worrying her.
“Thank God. I thought something happened.” She suppresses a yawn, the alarm seems to wither away. “So what’s up? When are you returning to London?”
“Soon.” I don’t specify when that soon will be.
“Liam didn’t seem so pleased the last time we talked. Although I think it’s about me more than you.”
“Give him time. He’ll get used to it.”
“Ha. Nice one. Liam will totally get used to me having a relationship with an underground boss — who also happens to be at the top of his shit list. I can almost imagine Liam inviting Julian for Christmas and bonding over beer and football games.”
I chuckle despite myself. “Bonding over a boxing match will be easier. Men and their need for the adrenaline is ridiculous, just saying.”
She sighs, seeming resigned. “Tell me about it.”
“Ellie… You’re happy, right? With Ghost, I mean.”
There’s a pause before she answers in a dreamy tone. “I am.”
The Rage Ball I knew never uses a dreamy tone. She was always serious and upright.
“He made me feel like I can be weak with him, you know,” she continues. “I always thought that strength was the key to everything, but Julian showed me how freeing it can be to be weak with the right people. I should be myself instead of putting on a façade.”
I sag against the pillow. “I’m so proud of you. You owe me a dozen hugs.”
“Uh… okay… I guess. Just come back and I’ll see what I can do.”
I laugh. Some things will never change.
“What’s wrong, Zoe?” Her voice drips with concern. “Even your laughter isn’t the same. What happened to you all these months?”
A lot. Maybe like Elle, I’m losing a façade, too. I pull the sheet closer to my nose until I inhale Shadow’s scent. It’s all because of him. He’s making me question everything.
“How is it with Ghost?” I ask instead of answering. “I mean, do you ever forget that he’s a killer?”
“Hmmm. I don’t see a killer when I look at Julian. I see a kid who was abandoned, kidnapped, and forced to become a killer. I didn’t have a say in being a prostitute’s daughter and neither did he have a say in being a killer.”
“What if you want a family? You can’t have it with Ghost’s lifestyle.”
“A family?” She giggles. Elle freaking giggles. “It’s funny because he’s definitely trying to impregnate me. I don’t worry about the lifestyle, though. I know no one would protect me more than Julian.”
“Hey! What about me?”
“You and Liam, too, of course.” There’s a rustle on the other end before she says at whoever beside her. “You’re up?”
Ghost’s voice is distant, but I can hear the possessiveness loud and clear. “Who are you talking to this early?”
“Zoe.”
“Just Zoe?”
She laughs and the carefree sound warms my heart. “Yes, just Zoe.”
“I’ll talk to you later, Rage Ball.”
She mumbles something affirmative before she squeals then breaks into laughter.
I hang up with a smile. Seems like Ghost is taking good care of her — sort of.
When I’m standing in the shower, I’m painfully aware of the soreness between my legs. My breasts are so heavy and my nipples ache. No idea whether it’s because of the pregnancy or Shadow’s bites.
Probably both.
Just recalling how he held me to sleep last night shoots hot awareness in my stimulated body. The sensation of his hard chest against my back and his strong arms around my waist make me want to hug myself.
With a pained sigh, I step out from the shower. After I wear a light woollen dress, I fetch my coffee from the kitchen and go outside.
The wind blows my still-damp hair and I freeze on the porch – not because of the weather.
Shadow stands in the field half bloody naked. The soft morning light gives his side profile an unearthly view. The orange hue highlights his cut muscles until they almost appear shiny. The tiger tattoos snarl down his arms as if itching to come out and play. They appear less gruesome and more artful. I swallow to stop myself from drooling like a dog. He’s so beautiful it’s unfair.
Once I’m momentarily out of the haze – only a bit – I concentrate on the way he’s cutting off flowers with infinite care like he’s treating a small child.
I leave my coffee on the table. Usually, only coffee is able to start my day, but I’m already wide awake by seeing Shadow.
He didn’t leave.
He’s here.
The realisation almost brings tears to my eyes
. Freaking hormones.
I didn’t realise how much I wanted Shadow to stay until I saw him standing there like some model in a fashion magazine.
Shadow must sense me when I come near, but his attention doesn’t stray from the red tulip he’s carefully cutting. He has several aligned in the basket. I’m actually impressed by his neat work.
“Since when did you wake up?” I try not to sound so happy that he’s still here.
“I don’t sleep much.” He’s distracted by the tulip in his hand.
“You did a good job for a first timer.”
He meets my gaze and grins so wide, those grey eyes sparkle. My heart falters. He’s really different. Even his grin is genuine and not a suffocating darkness.
“Told you. I’m a fast learner.”
I cross my arms and tap my foot on the ground. “If you take over all my work, what am I supposed to do?”
His gaze looms over me with a mischievous smirk. “Kiss me good morning?”
I don’t allow myself to think and analyse this. I stand on my tiptoes, palm both his cheeks and press my mouth to his. It’s a sloppy kiss at best, but a grunt rips from the back of Shadow’s throat.
I pull away with one last nip to his bottom lip. “Morning. You look hot as hell today.”
He leans in, pulls my hair to one side, and sucks on the skin of my throat. “Just today?”
A soft moan leaves me. “You’re annoying on other days.”
He bites, and I gasp. My legs turn into puddles as he sucks again.
Shadow steps back to stare at my neck with a spark of feral possessiveness.
“You left a mark, didn’t you?” I try to sound offended when the truth is, I missed all the marks he leaves on me.
He lifts a shoulder, not even apologetic. He’s so freaking shameless, but he’s also upfront and direct. I love that about him.
Shadow places the tulip in the basket and pulls me into him by my hips. That familiar awareness seeps under my skin and to my bones. It’s strange how his intensity swallows me whole like a thick fog. Even if there’s a way out, I’m not sure I’d take it.
“Why are you so radiant?”
“I am?”
“There’s this new aura about you.” He measures me from top to bottom before sliding back to my face. “You even gained weight.”
I swallow. I thought that since I’m not showing and he’s usually too urgent to study my body, he wouldn’t notice. Obviously, I underestimated him. This is a professional killer after all. He was trained to notice everything.
I’m not ready to disclose my pregnancy. If Shadow knows, he’ll use this to chain me to him and I’m not prepared for that leap.
Smoothing my expression, I scold. “You gained weight is the worst thing you can tell a woman.”
His brows furrow. “What’s so bad about saying that you look healthier now?”
“Ha. Let’s see if you still think that way when I’m…” I trail off. Son of a gun. I almost said when I’m into later stages of pregnancy.
The hell is wrong with me?
His thumbs stroke the lines of my hips, getting dangerously close to where I’m gaining weight the most. “When you’re what?”
“When I’m fat.” I wiggle away from his scrutinising gaze. “I have to take these to town. Mark must be waiting for me.”
Shadow places a strong hand on mine, stopping me in my tracks. That seamless darkness returns to his tone like a sudden tsunami. “Who the fuck is Mark?”
I give my best cheeky smile. “My other boyfriend. I’ve been having an affair with him behind Liam’s back.”
“Is that so?” Shadow grins, but there’s no warmth. He’s trying to match my playfulness and failing.
His streak of jealousy and possessiveness has always been strong and I’m probably playing with fire, but I love having this effect on him too much to stop. “Yeah. He’s such a good sport.”
His smile vanishes and he gives up on appearing amicable. “Keep it up, beautiful.”
“Do you want to see pictures of us?” I reach for my phone, but I forgot that I left it upstairs. Pity. I wanted to show him Mark’s pictures in his shop and laugh at his reaction.
Shadow grabs my hand and pushes me back. My back hits a tree trunk, and I gasp. My body leaps to life at the harsh look in his dark, metallic gaze.
God. It’s just one look and my entire being is enchanted to his. I want to think that it’s because of the hormones, but I know it’s all because of this man.
“Do you enjoy this, Zoe, hmm?” He flings my woollen dress up. Cold air slaps my bare skin before the warmth of his strong hand parts my thighs. “Do you enjoy driving me fucking nuts?”
He yanks my panties down.
“W-what are you doing?” I try to push away at him.
His strong fingers trace along the inside of my thighs in a harsh, mind-shattering stroke, but he’s not touching where I ache the most. He unbuckles his belt at the same time.
My gaze strays around us as I fight — and fail — to keep my legs closed. The other fields are a safe distance away, but the farmers can show up near the siege any second. “S-someone might see us –”
He bites my peaking nipple through the dress and I shriek.
“Should’ve thought of that before provoking me.” He grabs a handful of my arse and lifts me up. With my back against the tree, I have no choice but to hold onto his shoulders while my legs wrap around his waist.
I expect him to slam inside me and take me quick and dirty, but he doesn’t. His hard cock slides from my soaking folds all the way to my entrance, leaving a trail of need.
My legs clench tightly around his waist begging for him to just do it.
The torturous rhythm of his up and down drives me insane. When I think he’ll go in, he resumes the maddening up and down. With a bit more friction, I might come from this alone.
“Shadow… please...”
“Are you going to talk about another man in front of me again?”
“N-no,” I murmur.
His lips find my earlobe, sucks it into his mouth, and bites down hard. “I didn’t hear you.”
“Nooo!”
He kisses his way from my jaw to my other ear. “Who do you belong to, beautiful?”
“You. I belong to you.”
As if my words hold magic, Shadow finally slams inside me, filling and stretching me whole. I gasp both at the sensation and the untamed ferocity in his overcast eyes.
The possessiveness and slight anger make him hot and irresistible.
“You. Are. Mine.” He enunciates every word with a shattering thrust. “The next time you think otherwise, remember how your body belongs to me.”
I can’t breathe let alone form any thoughts. My body is thoroughly owned by each frenzied pounding of his hips. He hits my sweet spot over and over until I’m delirious.
It’s a madness.
An unravelling.
At this moment, I’m sure he’s not only owning my body, but he’s also owning everything. I have no way to stop him.
I thread my fingers in his hair and pull then I bite his neck until I taste blood. “I left my mark, too. You’re also mine.”
“Sure as fuck I am.”
Those words drive me over the edge. I sink my nails into his skin as the waves carry me until I think I’m not coming back. Shadow comes with a grunt, telling me how beautiful I am and how much I drive him crazy.
After a few moments of caging me against the tree, he lets me slide down on wobbly feet. I’m thankful he pulls me into him and holds me against his chest until his heartbeat matches mine.
This damn man wrecks me every time he touches me.
I already feel the soreness between my legs and the warmth trickling down my thighs. He went so rough this time, it’s both alarming and delicious.
God. Maybe I do need therapy like Nick said.
My gaze falls on the tulips basket and I recall the Georges. “Shit. Let me take a quick shower.”
&
nbsp; “No.”
“I have to deliver the flowers.”
“You will.” He grins. “With my scent all over you.”
“Caveman much?” I suppress my mirrored smile.
“For you?” He presses a kiss on the top of my hair. “Always, beautiful.”
When Shadow said he’s a fast learner, he really meant it. He neatly placed the flowers at the back of his jaguar and we delivered them safe and sound to the Georges.
Lisbeth is all over him by the time we’re in the shop. Shadow has an irresistible exterior charm that sucks people in. I’m still sure he can sell his smile. If things were different, he could probably be an actor or a model.
On a second thought, I’m glad he isn’t. The idea of sharing him causes my inner claws to spring free.
A sly grin animates his face as he leans in to whisper, “I’ll have Mark as a rival any day.”
I elbow him and take a sip of my usual coffee.
“Let me help with that.” Shadow runs to Mark who’s transporting vases to the other side of the shop.
I lean back against the counter and watch — or more like drool — over Shadow’s agile figure. He’s only wearing a simple white T-shirt and jeans, but it’s enough to provoke my hormones.
It doesn’t even matter that he fucked my brains out not an hour ago. It’s insane how much I can never get enough of him and his wild intensity.
Lisbeth stands beside me, wiping her hands on her apron and speaks low so only I can hear her. “Is he your boyfriend?”
“It’s…” I sigh, tracing the rim of my mug. “Complicated.”
“It’s only complicated when you complicate it, honey.” She goes on saying that we southerners always complicate things.
I humour her, but my gaze keeps straying to Shadow. What are we, exactly? It’s weird to imagine us doing the boyfriend, girlfriend thing, but at the same time, I don’t know what else we can be. Fuck buddies? Friends with benefits? Ha. Shadow and I can never be just that. What we have is too volatile to label.
He seems so normal that even his endless grins are carefree. Seeing him like this does something to me especially when I recall his past.