by Rina Kent
Elle’s words from this morning return. Just like Ghost, Shadow was also kidnapped and made into a killer. Before he became hard as steel, Shadow was a baby thrown in rubbish and a boy beaten up and bullied.
Is it even wrong that he turned the way he is? If I didn’t have Liam and Elle since a young age, I don’t know what would’ve happened to me. The three of us were messed up in our own ways, but we stood for each other and didn’t allow the system to bring us down. We didn’t have any choice except to fight and claw our way out.
Shadow and his colleagues didn’t have a choice either. Either they lived as killers or died.
After the Georges, Shadow takes me for breakfast in a small town restaurant that I eat at sometimes. I dislike how the waitress bats her eyelashes at him when she serves our table. He doesn’t even spare her a glance, but I shoot her a back off glare.
“Wait.” I swallow the bite of my waffles, still fuming. “Did you sleep with anyone after I left?”
Shadow cocks an eyebrow while smearing a shitload of syrup on his waffles. “Why do you care? You left.”
I feel like throwing up what little I had of breakfast. Elle said Shadow spent a lot of energy searching for me, so I hoped he didn’t have time for anyone else. The fact that he moved on so soon slices a shard through my aching heart.
“So what? Are you cheating on someone with me?” My voice comes out in a pained murmur.
A devilish smile lifts the corner of his mouth. “I never looked at another woman, let alone touch one.”
“What…?”
“The only thing I fucked was my hand while fantasising about you.” He stuffs the waffle in his mouth.
My cheeks heat and I can’t help smiling.
The waffle drops to his plate as he tilts his head to the side. The coolness disappears and only the fearsome, possessive side of Shadow remains. “Are you asking because you’ve been with someone?”
As if I’d ever look at another man after he ruined me. Still, I ask out of curiosity, “Will you leave me if I did?”
A muscle ticks in his jaw. Tick. Tick. Tick. He shakes his head once. “I’ll kill the bastard and fuck you until you know you only belong to me.”
I’d laugh if I thought he was joking. He isn’t. This part of Shadow is terrifying, but I can’t help being dragged into his orbit. I don’t even get to fight it anymore.
With a smile, I cover his big hand with my smaller one. “It’s only you. It’s always been you.”
He tugs me over and slams his lips to mine, kissing me so savagely and so thoroughly that a few teenagers break down in giggles all around us.
Shadow ignores them and only lets me go when I’m nearly out of breath and almost begging for him to take me somewhere private where we can finish.
I’m so screwed.
Once we’re done with breakfast, Shadow helps with my usual grocery shopping. He’s so carefree and amicable today, I resist pinching myself to make sure this isn’t another one of my nasty dreams.
Roaming all over the town with Shadow is one of the best things I’ve done in ages. I laugh more than I did in years. His hand drapes possessively on the small of my back. Every time he touches me, I’m tempted to kiss the hell out of him. I only stop because we’re in public and neither of us will be satiated after a kiss.
Still, we spend the morning and all the way to lunch in town. I basically give him a tour, introducing him around.
On the ride back to the house, I ask. “Do you hate your parents?”
He’s focused on the bumpy road. “They’re not important enough for me to hate them. I didn’t even know them. Nonna is the closest I have to a parent.”
I sigh. “I wish I were like you.”
He takes my hand in his and places it on his thigh. I flex my fingers against his strong, bigger palm. There’s a striking difference between his tanned skin and my pale one. “Sometimes, I wish I can forget all about them.”
He throws me a glance before returning to the road. “I think you have in a way.”
“What do you mean?”
“Your dad was from the military, right?”
I nod.
“Did he have PTSD?” he asks.
“I don’t think so.”
“Did he duck or flinch at loud noises or bangs?”
“No.” I rake my mind. “He actually loved fireworks and took me a few times.”
“That means he didn’t have PTSD.”
My brows furrow. “What does PTSD have to do with anything?”
“If he had PTSD, it’d make sense if he didn’t want to use a gun and went with gas, but since he didn’t, things don’t add up.”
“What do you mean?”
“Asphyxiation by gas isn’t a suicide method that fits a captain in the army. He’s more familiar with weapons than something as domestic as gas. If he really wanted a family suicide, he would’ve used the surest way to do it. Logically, he would’ve shot you and your mother then himself, so there’d be zero per cent failure rate.”
“But…” My throat dries no matter how much I swallow. “I remember that night.”
“Do you?”
“I know what I remember.” My voice is shaky, because the truth is, I’m not so sure anymore, especially after the recent nightmares. That night has always been blurry.
Shadow’s voice is cool. “Do you clearly remember him plotting to kill you?”
“He said something about death and...”
“And?”
“And…”
“There. You don’t remember. I think you’re filling the gaps with false or altered memories.”
I gulp, not even wanting to consider the idea. “Since when did you become a shrink?”
“I’m not.” He squeezes my hand in his. “But I think you’re closing a door that you have to open, Zoe.”
“I-I know what I remember, okay? I’m not crazy!”
Crazy.
She’s crazy…
Did you see what she did to her —
I shut out those memories as soon as they came.
Shadow stops the car and faces me. “Don’t you want to know the truth?”
I shake my head frantically. “I already know the truth.”
He stops the car and pulls me into him. His embrace is warm and soothing, and it causes tears to form in my eyes.
“I’m here for you. Whatever it is, I’ll never leave you.”
I sob in his chest as an onslaught of memories hits me.
“I’ll never leave you, petal.”
“Really, Daddy?”
“You have my word.”
Then, he was gone.
Chapter Twenty-Six
For more than two weeks, Shadow never left my side.
At first, it was surreal, and I tried to fight the pull, but it’s like swimming in a riptide. Every time I’m happy about being with him, I remind myself that this can’t be long term.
Then he touches me and I’m a goner. It’s almost a constant ache now. In the beginning, I thought I was the one keeping up with his insatiable sexual stamina, but then, I realised how much I also couldn’t keep my hands off him.
One day, he had to go to town alone to meet with Lachlan about business. I almost went out of my mind until he returned in the afternoon. I didn’t even let him go inside. I rode him on the porch until we both collapsed.
I crave him with terrifying intensity. Sometimes, we wrestle until I finally give in and he fucks me rough and fast. It’s the best sex we have. Other times, I feel like he’s holding back so he wouldn’t hurt me.
The sex has been getting more intense and uncontrollable with each day. I had to ask my OB-GYN if all this can be dangerous for the baby. She said no. However, I’m suffering from mild iron deficiency, so she prescribed me vitamins.
When Shadow asked why I’m taking the pills, I told him it’s because of a vitamin D deficiency. He studied all about it and took me on long walks whenever the sun was out.
I’m not naive to thin
k that he won’t connect the dots about my pregnancy soon. Sometimes, I catch him watching me intently when he thinks I’m not looking.
All that I’m counting on is that it wouldn’t come to his mind that I’ve been pregnant for months. It’s true that we don’t use condoms, but that’s been going on for weeks, not months. Hopefully, that’ll give me more time.
Deep down, I know I’m only delaying making a decision to enjoy the rare peace we currently have. The past weeks have been like a hot, thrilling, honeymoon.
Shadow learnt the village and the fields better than me and he whisks me on an adventure every day. Then he fucks my brains out two or three times a day as if he can’t get enough of me.
When I’m too sore, he runs me a hot bath and massages me from head to toe until my muscles turn into puddles. When I’m plagued by my nightmares, he holds me close until I fall back asleep.
The caring side of him is as addictive as his dark, almost frightening side. I can’t help feeling spoilt by how much he takes care of me. He even cooks the best lasagne I’ve ever had. I was flabbergasted when I learnt it’s the first time he made it. I only followed a recipe on the internet, was his reply. Since then, I’ve been making him follow as many recipes as possible.
He must have some hidden cooking talent because I sure as shit don’t cook mouth-watering dishes by following internet recipes.
We never talked about returning to London. I hear him speaking on the phone with Ghost or Lachlan, but he shoots them down every time. Liam has been pestering me, too, but a selfish part of me wants to delay this getaway even for a day longer.
My heart grieves at the thought of putting an end to all this bliss and going back to the real world.
Can’t we remain like this forever?
My fingers snake to where the necklace I saw at Nonna’s surrounds my collarbone. Shadow gave it to me last week and I’ve been catching myself staring at it in the mirror every chance I got. I tried telling him that it’s too fancy for every day. He said ‘nothing is too fancy for you’. I caved into wearing it when he threatened to throw it away. If he thinks I don’t like it, he’s crazy enough to toss such a beautiful necklace that means so much to his past. Maybe one day I can find its owner.
“What are you thinking about?” Shadow asks in a husky voice as his fingers draw lazy circles in my hair. I almost purr like a kitten at the relaxing sensation.
We just finished another round of rough sex and we’re lazing around on the sofa in the lounge area with me lying on top of his sleek chest.
“Did I hurt you?” His tone is careful.
“What? No.” I flex my palm on the hard ridges of his chest. “I came twice in case you haven’t noticed.”
He makes a sound that I can’t place as either affirmation or contemplation.
“Why? Have you hurt other women before?” I try to sound light when I’m seething with stabbing jealousy. The thought of any other woman having him brings nausea to my mouth.
“No. I controlled myself before, but it’s impossible when I’m with you.”
“Why…” I swallow the lump in my throat. “Why is that?”
His fingers thread into my hair and he holds me there. “I want to consume you and engrave myself under your skin so deep, you won’t be able to get me out unless one of us dies.”
The previously-lazy atmosphere now ripples with tension. His words should send me running for the hills, but they don’t. I figured a long time ago that Shadow is obsessed with me. Whether that’s healthy or not isn’t the problem. The problem is that I’m becoming as equally obsessed with him.
“But I don’t want to hurt you.” He goes back to stroking my hair. “So if I go too far, stop me.”
“You don’t have to worry about going too far.” I bite my lower lip, feeling the heat creep to my cheeks. “I like it rough.”
I can’t believe I admitted to that. After years of being shamed by Nick’s words, I feel like I’m sharing something taboo. What if Shadow thinks I’m sick? What if —
“I like it rough, too.” There’s amusement in Shadow’s voice.
I stare up at him and he’s grinning wide with a mischievous glint. It disappears and his brows furrow. “What’s wrong?”
It’s then I realise I’m on the verge of crying because he didn’t shame me. Freaking hormones.
“Zoe?”
“It’s… nothing.”
“It’s obviously something.” He sits up with me still atop of him so now I’m sitting on his lap. “What is it?”
It’s pointless to hide it from him. For one, he won’t give up until he gets what he wants — he’s frighteningly persistent. For two, I want to finally confide in someone about this.
I wipe my eyes and tell him all about Nick. How he thought I’m sick and I should need therapy. How much I avoided relationships because a part of me was afraid of the commitment.
When I’m done, I expect Shadow to be angry like he usually is whenever I mention other men. Instead, he appears more contemplative than anything.
“You weren’t compatible,” he finally says.
“I figured I’m not normal.”
He clutches my chin and tilts my head back so I’m staring into his metallic gaze. “It’s not that you aren’t normal. It’s that you and that bastard weren’t compatible. Normal is what you define for yourself, beautiful. Fuck anyone who says you’re abnormal for not fitting societal standards.”
That’s possibly the nicest thing anyone has ever told me. How is he able to erase years of self-doubt with such assuring words?
I fight back the tears that keep wanting to spring free. I want to kiss him in gratefulness, but he beats me to it by claiming my lips in a long, head-turning kiss.
When we break apart for air, he smiles. “Not everyone is into rainbows and unicorns. Sometimes love can be harsh.”
“Are you saying you love me or something?” I laugh, but it dies out when I make out the serious lines on his face.
Wait. He’s joking, right?
“Of course I love you.”
“W-what?” I all but yell.
He clutches my hand in his and places it on his heart. “Why do you think I’ve been searching for you all this time? Why am I giving the world a figurative middle finger to be with you?”
“But —”
“I love you so fucking much, beautiful.”
“Shadow…” I don’t know what to say — or what to think, for that matter.
He places a finger on my lips and shakes his head. “One day I’ll make you fall for me so hard, you won’t hesitate before saying the words.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“Shh. It’s okay. Breathe, Zoe. That’s it.”
Her arms stop pushing at my shoulder as I cocoon her against my chest. I sit up in bed and gather her in my arms. She curls atop my lap, her long legs tucking under her. Her face hides against my collarbone as she breathes harshly.
Sweat pastes her damp hair to her forehead and her skin becomes paler than the white sheets.
My fingers stroke her blonde strands, knowing how much she likes it. Zoe shudders in response and her arms wrap tightly around my waist.
She looks so fragile in my hold like a broken fucking doll. I hate that the nightmares are getting worse to the point she wakes up screaming. Sometimes, she mumbles her mum’s name, but she always screams her dad’s. The sound is so raw and guttural, it’s like I’m stabbed every time.
For the weeks we spent together, I did everything I can to make her comfortable. Both because I want her relaxed and because I need to coax her into opening up about her past.
I’m almost sure that she’s mixing up memories. Whatever she left unresolved from the past is eating at her from within and I can’t stand by and watch her self-fucking-destruction.
If I want to have a resemblance of a future with Zoe, then I need to convince her I’m not a replica of her father.
Sometimes, I think she still doesn’t believe me even after my con
fession a few days ago. I’ll prove to her how serious I am about how much she holds my heart and soul.
It’s easy to own her and to let my obsession roam free. The hard part is to make her believe me and fall in love with me, too. Right now, that’s my goal in life.
Beside shutting Ink the fuck up — but that’s for later.
Zoe lifts her head to stare at me with silent gratitude. She likes that I hold her without saying a word.
Her fingers stroke my arm. “I’m fine now.”
“How long are you going to be fine?”
She’s taken aback and her gaze turn shifty. Usually, this is the part where I either hold her back to sleep or fuck her until she’s so exhausted to think. As much as I want to sink into her tight little pussy, that’s not the plan tonight.
“How about tomorrow? Are you going to be fine then?” I continue in a cool tone. “How about the day after?”
She tries to squirm free, but I tighten my arms, squeezing her.
“You’re not fine, Zoe.”
She groans and fights some more. It only drains her already waning energy. There’s no way she can escape my grip. In our playful struggle, I hold back to let her strike, but there’ll be no holding back tonight.
“Stop running away!” I shake her.
“What do you want me to do?” Her green gates are both lost and enraged. She’s so strong, but also delicate.
“Face your past, Zoe. You owe it to yourself.”
“Have you faced your past?” She sounds half curious half accusing.
“That’s the difference between us. At least, I know my past.”
“I know my past, too,” she murmurs.
“You think you do.”
There’s silence before she meets my gaze. Her pupils dilate and she appears so delicate and lost. “I’m… scared.”
That’s the first step.
I kiss the top of her head. “I’ll take the fear away, beautiful.”
It’s time to make that dreaded phone call.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Stop glaring. Your wrinkles are showing.” Shadow’s smooth voice carries in a mocking tone.