Help Me, Hold Me

by Barbara Gee

  Her voice broke and Vince cradled her head in his hand. “Do we need to talk to his doctor?”

  “I have already, and the nurse, Leslie, called him again to get an order for the IV. Someone from her agency brought out the supplies. Dr. Halliday will come tomorrow morning at ten to check things out.”

  “Sounds like you’re doing everything right. I know it’s awful and you feel helpless, but just remember, this is way Jeremiah wanted it. He meant it when he said no more hospitals.”

  She nodded against his chest. “I know, but this is a lot harder than I thought. The fluid might help, though, right? I haven’t been monitoring how much he drinks, and I should have been because he was probably getting more and more dehydrated as the days passed. Maybe once that gets taken care of, he’ll feel more like himself.”

  Vince understood her need to grasp at straws, and he wasn’t going to discourage her. She’d face reality if and when it hit, but for now she needed to hope things would improve, and he was going to hope right along with her.

  They went inside and she took him to the living room, where Jeremiah was in his recliner, an IV stand hung with a two-liter bag of fluid beside him. He turned his head slowly when Vince came to stand beside him.

  “I figured you’d come harass me sooner or later,” the older man said weakly, a hint of a smile crossing his face.

  “Someone’s gotta do it,” Vince said, pulling up a folding chair that was sitting off to the side. “Not having the best day, huh?”

  Jeremiah looked away, but not before Vince saw the flash of pain in his faded blue eyes. “I’m all right. Just need to rest a little more.”

  Vince didn’t challenge his claim and Jeremiah’s eyes slid closed. Vince started to turn away, but then Jeremiah opened his eyes again and tried to look around.

  “You here, Callie?” he asked.

  “I’m right here,” she said quickly, walking around Vince so her grandpa could see her.

  “Think you could make me a cup of tea?”

  Vince saw her face light up. Surely him wanting tea was a good sign. “Give me two minutes,” she said, spinning and heading for the kitchen.

  Jeremiah waited, then looked at Vince again. “I don’t want any tea.”

  “Yeah, I didn’t think so,” Vince said. “You want to tell me something without Callie hearing it, right?”

  Jeremiah gave a hint of a nod. “I want you to get in touch with Gary Denton. I was gonna do it myself tomorrow, but something’s changed inside me. I don’t think I’m gonna get any better.” Jeremiah held up a shaky hand when Vince started to protest, his gaze becoming more intense, his voice a little stronger. “Doesn’t matter. It was bound to happen. I want you to call Gary, Vince. Tell him I told you about the private investigator and he’s to tell you everything he finds out. I’ve already mentioned you to him, so I think he’ll take your word.”

  “I’ll either call or go see him in the morning,” Vince promised. “Anything else?”

  “Same as before. Stick with my girl and help her through all this. Promise me you’ll do that.”

  Emotion clogged Vince’s throat. He rubbed his palms along the tops of his thighs and tried hard not to let his expression show he knew he could be making a death-bed promise.

  “Of course I’ll take care of Callie, but you don’t need to be in any hurry to turn her over to me. She said you’re good at bouncing back from the bad days, and that’s what we’re expecting you to do this time too, you got that?”

  Jeremiah’s eyes closed again. “I dunno. It’s different this time. Like I can feel my parts slowly shutting down.” He took a slow breath and let it out. “I think I’m okay with that. I’m tired of fighting.”

  Vince opened his mouth to argue, but the words didn’t come. Who was he to tell Jeremiah how to handle the disease that had been killing him slowly but surely for the last six months? For Callie’s sake he wanted him to hold on, to keep on fighting, but looking at him now, seeing how weak and exhausted he was in this unguarded moment, Vince was pretty sure the fight had already been harder than anyone suspected.

  If Jeremiah was ready to find his eternal rest, Vince understood. Callie would too, once she took her own emotions out of it.

  She entered the room with a cup of tea. “I only filled it half full so you can stay reclined and drink without spilling it,” she said, carefully handing him the cup.

  Jeremiah took it, and Vince watched as he took a sip and tried valiantly to hide the fact that it was the last thing he wanted right then. Vince came to his rescue.

  “If it doesn’t feel like it’s going to settle don’t drink it, Jeremiah. You don’t need to get your stomach more upset than it already is.”

  Jeremiah nodded. “Maybe I’d better not.”

  Callie took the cup and set it on the coffee table as Leslie entered the room.

  “I can put some pain medication in your IV line, Jeremiah,” she said softly. “The agency brought some over just in case, and Doctor Halliday just approved it. I think it’ll be more effective than trying to take a pill.”

  “Go ahead and let her do that, Grandpa,” Callie urged. “It’ll help you relax so you can sleep.”

  He sighed. “I reckon I might as well. I’d like to try to get to bed first, though.”

  “We’ll help you,” Callie said quickly. “You can go as slow as you need to.”

  “Actually, why don’t you ladies wait out in the kitchen for a bit,” Vince said. “I’ll give him a hand.”

  Callie and Leslie exchanged a look, then left the room.

  “What’re you gonna do, carry me?” Jeremiah asked wearily.

  “Thought I might.”

  Jeremiah gave a rueful smile. “There was a time when even your muscles wouldn’ta been enough to lift me.”

  “I’ve seen pictures,” Vince said with a grin. “I think maybe you could’ve taken me, to tell you the truth.”

  “I could’ve given you a run for your money anyway.” A hint of sparkle lit his weary eyes and Vince chuckled.

  “Hold that thought and let me get you to bed as quickly and painlessly as possible. But I draw the line at helping you into your jammies.”

  “You just get me to bed. The nurse can take it from there.”

  Vince took that as an okay and carefully worked his arms under Jeremiah’s shoulders and thighs. He straightened easily, saddened by how little the man weighed. Grabbing hold of the IV pole with the hand at Jeremiah’s back, he walked out of the room and down the hall without further comment.

  “Last door on the right,” Jeremiah said helpfully.

  Vince lowered him to a sitting position on the edge of the crisp, clean bed.

  “You’re a good soul,” Jeremiah said, breathing heavily even though he hadn’t exerted himself. “Now get on out there and spend some time with Callie. Time for Leslie to earn her keep.”

  “You got it. Night, Jeremiah.”

  “Night. God bless you, son.”

  Vince gave him a nod. “God bless, Jeremiah. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Callie and Leslie were talking softly at the kitchen table when Vince joined them. “He’s ready for you, Leslie,” he said.

  Callie stood and squeezed his arm. “I’m just gonna go say goodnight to him real quick, then I’ll let Leslie take it from there. Be right back.”

  She hurried down the hall and Leslie smiled warmly at Vince. “She’s a devoted granddaughter.”

  “That she is,” Vince agreed as he walked over to the fridge for a bottle of water.

  “You two are a cute couple.”

  “You think so?” he asked politely, resigning himself to a little small talk before Callie returned.

  She nodded. “I’ve always wondered who would finally catch that girl’s eye. I’ve known her since Jeremiah started bringing her to church. I was her Sunday School teacher a few different years, in fact.”

  “Ah, the benefits of a small town, where everyone knows everyone.”

  Leslie chuckle
d. “Some don’t see that as a benefit, including my kids, but it is what it is.”

  “How old are your kids?”

  “My son is fourteen, and my daughter’s seventeen.”

  “Tough ages. I’m guessing as their mother you don’t mind the whole small town thing.”

  “You’ve got that right. So far they’ve been pretty easy kids, but still, the more people watching over them the better.”

  “Takes a village,” Vince quipped.

  “It certainly does.” Leslie smiled again, but it gradually faded, replaced with an expression of concern. “I’m so sorry about Jeremiah. You realize he’s really sick, right? I mean, Callie keeps talking about him bouncing back, like he’s done before, but I don’t see that happening this time.”

  Vince nodded slowly. “I think she knows. She just doesn’t want to give up, and doesn’t want Jeremiah to think she has, either.”

  “I understand that, but helping people accept the inevitable is part of my job, and I want to make sure her expectations are realistic.”

  Vince appreciated the woman’s concern. “I’ll talk to her, but like I said, I’m pretty sure she knows.”

  “Okay then, I’ll go on back to his room now. I’m actually staying the night, so hopefully Callie can get some sleep.”

  “I’m staying too. I want to be here for Callie…you know…in case.”

  She nodded approvingly. “That’s good. She’s lucky to have you.”

  He gave her a crooked smile. “I think it’s more the other way around.”

  She returned his smile, her eyes warm and approving. “It’s probably a bit of both. Good night, Vince.”

  “Night.”

  ***

  This was so hard.

  Callie felt gutted as she walked out of her grandpa’s bedroom. Gutted and sick and completely helpless. How had this happened so fast….and had her grandfather really just told her he was ready to die?

  Yes. He had. That’s exactly what he’d said to her, and even though she’d watched him steadily deteriorate throughout the week, nothing could have prepared her for that. He’d been fighting so hard for so long, and now he was just done?

  Her first reaction had been shock, then anger—which she’d done her best to hide from him—then bewilderment. She’d never considered that he’d simply give up at some point. He’d been so determined. Eating when he didn’t feel like eating. Forcing himself to get out of bed each morning, even on the bad days. Doing his best to keep up with the goings on at the ranch, still wanting to have a say because that’s what he did. He ran the Double Nickel ranch.

  Callie’s thoughts were whirling so fast she actually had to stop and lean against the wall for support. It had been a bad week, it surely had, and in her own mind she’d wondered if they were nearing the end, but having him say it, hearing Jeremiah Green say he was ready to go—that put a whole new perspective on it.

  He might be ready, but she realized all over again how far she herself was from letting go.

  Leslie entered the hallway from the kitchen, saw Callie up against the wall, and hurried toward her. “Are you okay?” she asked, her forehead creasing as she gripped Callie’s forearm. “Are you feeling faint?”

  “No, not faint, just overwhelmed.” Callie shook her head slowly. “He’s gotten so much worse so fast. I’m having trouble processing it.”

  “It’s the way it happens sometimes. I’m so sorry, Callie.” Leslie leaned in and gave her a quick, hard hug. “I’ll take good care of him,” she said. “You need to try to rest. When you’re tired, everything looks even bleaker. I promise I’ll stay awake all night, and I’ll let you know immediately if there’s any change.”

  Callie nodded, mumbled her thanks, and walked toward the kitchen. She truly appreciated Leslie’s care for Jeremiah, but it was obvious the woman felt they were merely awaiting the inevitable, and in spite of what Jeremiah had said a few minutes ago, Callie wasn’t ready to give up hope yet—she just wasn’t.

  She entered the kitchen, sent a shaky smile in Vince’s direction and sat down, propping her elbows on the table and burying her face in her hands. She didn’t want to look at him. Didn’t want him to see the devastation she knew she couldn’t hide.

  He didn’t speak, but she heard him approach. Then his hands came down on her shoulders, warm and comforting. He gently kneaded the rock-hard muscles across her shoulders and up her neck. Callie went limp, folding her arms and dropping her forehead down onto them. Thankfully he stayed silent. Somehow, he knew she needed a few minutes.

  His strong fingers moved slowly up her neck and into her hair, making circles across her head to her temples, then back down to her shoulders again. Callie enjoyed his touch for another few minutes, then groaned and reluctantly raised her head.

  “Thanks. You—and those hands—are exactly what I need.”

  He lowered his big frame into the chair beside her, turning it to face her.

  “It’s not enough,” he said softly. “I wish I could make everything better, Callie.”

  She stared at the table top. “Me too.”

  He took one of her hands and squeezed it between both of his. After another few moments of silence, Callie sighed and turned a little way toward him. She wanted to tell him what she was feeling, she really did, but hearing herself utter the words would make everything seem way too real.

  He gave her an understanding smile. “I know there’s a lot running around in your head right now. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk yet.”

  Callie closed her eyes and shook her head. She might not want to, but she needed to. “I’ll tell you. I’m just not sure I can do it without losing it.”

  “It’s okay if you lose it,” he said gently.

  She exhaled another long breath, then turned her head and looked at him. “When I was talking to him just now—” she swallowed and cleared her throat, but it took another few breaths before she could speak again. “I was telling him Dr. Halliday is coming tomorrow and maybe he’ll think of something to try that he hasn’t before. I mean, I know that’s probably not going to happen because the doctor himself said there’s really nothing else we can do, but I wanted to give Grandpa something to hope for, you know? So, I was grasping at straws, and then he held up his hand to stop me from talking, and just like that, he told me he’s ready to die. He said he’s so tired and he doesn’t have the energy to fight anymore, and he’s ready to go.”

  A muscle jumped in his jaw and his hands tightened on hers. “Ah, I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”

  She gave a jerky nod. “I know I shouldn’t have been surprised to hear him say it. It’s been a long six months and he’s had a horrible week. He’s exhausted and I know he’s in pain. In fact, he’s probably been in more pain all along than he let on. But hearing those words—is it awful that they made me angry?”

  She stopped, pulling her hand from his to wipe at the tears she could no longer hold back. “I honestly had this flash of anger, like, how dare you give up! I still need you. You can’t leave me! Then I realized how selfish it was to feel that way. How utterly selfish. I wanted to be able to tell him it was okay, that I’m glad he’s ready and not afraid. But I couldn’t. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get it out. So I just told him I love him and he should try to get some sleep and it’ll be better in the morning.”

  “That’s okay, Callie. What you said is okay.” Vince went over to the counter and grabbed a few tissues from the box by the window. He gave them to her, then took hold of her chair and turned it to fully face him, tucking his hands around her knees.

  “As bad as it is, think how much worse it would be if he was terrified of dying. Terrified of what comes next. He’s ready to end his fight because he knows heaven is the next step, and he knows you’ll be okay without him. He knows you’re strong enough.”

  Callie held a tissue to her eyes, hoping he was right about her being strong enough. Because she sure wasn’t feeling that way right now.

  “I hate this,” she
said, her throat aching from too much emotion. “I know I can’t blame him for wanting to be done, but I simply can’t imagine being without him. I can’t imagine the Double Nickel without him.”

  “I know, sweetheart, but Jeremiah will always be a part of this ranch. Everything about this place will continue to remind you of him. That might hurt at first, but in time you’ll be glad, because the memories are so good.”

  “But it’s been the two of us for so long, you know? It’s always been Callie and Jeremiah. We didn’t have any other family, but we had each other. I don’t know how to be just Callie.”

  “You’ll learn. You’ve got over twenty years of his influence that’ll always be with you.”

  She wiped her eyes again and pulled the now crumpled note card out of her pocket, holding it up so he could read the verse she’d written there. “I feel like the river is high and the fire is really hot right now, but I’m doing my best to trust God to get me through. I keep telling myself that so many others have gone through so much worse. Like the couple at our church who lost a child a few years ago in a car accident. I can’t even imagine that kind of grief.”

  “It’s different, yeah, but your grief is valid too. You’ll have a huge hole, and it’ll take time to heal.”

  “He’s been my mom, dad and grandfather all wrapped into one.”

  “He’s done a darn good job at filling all those roles, too. You’re his most important legacy, sweetheart. Way more than even the ranch.”

  She took in a deep breath and slowly let it out. Talking had helped, and she knew God was using Vince to help keep her head above the waterline.

  “I need to let him go, don’t I?” she whispered. “He’s suffering, and heaven is looking so good to him.”

  Vince didn’t reply, just rubbed his hands slowly up and down the tops of her thighs. She used the final tissue, hoping her tears were done for now. She looked at him, not caring her eyes were red and puffy.

  “Vince?” she asked quietly. “Did you carry Grandpa to bed?”

  He shrugged. “I didn’t want to make him walk.”

  Two more tears slid down her cheeks and she didn’t bother to wipe them away.