Help Me, Hold Me

by Barbara Gee

  Then again, maybe it was okay that their need for each other took precedence right now. Was it so bad to want to forget everything else for a while?

  He kept his hands in his pockets as he slowly lowered his head, eyes locked with hers, until their lips were only a whisper apart. “I need you too, Callie.”

  He heard her breath catch and then he pressed his lips to hers, watching as her eyes fell closed.

  For a while, their mouths were the only point of contact, but when the kiss went deeper they reached for each other at the same time, her arms sliding around his waist and his hands stabbing into her hair, holding her head steady as they both took what they needed, and willingly gave back to the other.

  “Ah Callie,” he murmured when he finally raised his head. “I wish I could make all your troubles go away.” He’d said that before, but this time he wasn’t talking only about the situation with Jeremiah. Now he meant all her troubles. Including the ones she didn’t yet know about.

  He imagined her stricken face when Gary told her about the journal and its contents. What could he do to ease the impact of that? It was going to hurt her to know Jeremiah had carried the burden of the secret for so long and not told her about it himself.

  Maybe that was one thing Vince could give her—the reassurance that the journal’s revelation hadn’t changed Jeremiah’s feelings toward her one bit, and he’d heard that directly from the man’s lips. Her grandfather hadn’t told her himself because he couldn’t bear to see her suffer from the knowledge, but he’d made sure she would be told, because it was the right thing to do. The man loved her too much to die with a secret she might want to know.

  She smiled up at him, so warm and sweet it made his chest ache. “You can’t make my troubles go away, but having you here makes it all so much more bearable.” She smoothed her palms down his back. “I thank God for you multiple times a day.”

  Her appreciation and trust made him feel guilty, because she had no idea he was keeping something huge from her. He had to remind himself he was honoring Jeremiah’s wishes, and he could only hope Callie would understand that when it all came out.

  “Ditto.” He gave her another quick kiss, then decided it was time to get on with their day. He needed to keep busy, and he suspected she did, too. “How about I mow your lawn this afternoon?”

  She groaned. “I should have done it a couple days ago. It’s way long.”

  “I’ll enjoy doing it,” he assured her, tucking her hair back behind her ears before stepping away. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had a chance to mow.”

  She gave him a sideways glance. “How long? Do you even remember how?”

  “A few years,” he said with a grin. “Maybe more than a few. Pretty sure I can figure it out, though. I was in charge of the mowing at home until I left for college.”

  “Okay, I’ll show you the mower and give you a few tips. I’ll alternate between sitting with Grandpa and weeding the front flowerbeds. The fresh air will feel good.”

  By the time evening came and Leslie returned for another overnight shift, the yard was mowed, the flowerbeds were free of weeds, and the pasta casserole the two of them had made together had been consumed, with leftovers stored in the fridge for another day. Callie spent a little while with Leslie and Jeremiah, then joined Vince in the living room.

  “Think he’ll have a quiet night?” Vince asked her as she curled up beside him on the sofa.

  “He’s a little agitated right now, but Leslie doesn’t think it’s pain, just restlessness. I think at some level he knows he’s been in bed all day, and that’s not sitting well with him, even though he can’t really process it.”

  “You know the saying. Old habits die hard.”

  She smiled. “That would definitely apply to him.” After a moment she spoke again. “He hasn’t eaten in almost two days now. And hardly anything the days before that. If he was in the hospital, they could put in a feeding tube or something.”

  He put his arm around her. “You’re following his wishes,” he reminded her gently. “He’s at home, where he wants to be.”

  “It feels wrong,” she said quietly. “Just letting him….starve….it feels wrong.”

  “He made the decision when he was of sound mind, Callie. You know that, and so does his doctor. To do anything else—that would be wrong.”

  She let her head fall back against his shoulder. “Logically I know that.”

  “But your heart hasn’t gotten the message?”

  He felt her sigh. “My heart hurts,” she whispered.

  He tightened his arm. “I know.”

  She sat up and turned to face him, drawing her knees up. “You’ve been the only bright spot for me these last few weeks.”

  “Yeah?” He smiled. “I like being your bright spot.”

  “I like it too.” She reached for his hand. “But I also wish we could do things a normal new couple does. Like, hitting up the Barlow diner, or the Barlow drive-in movie theater, or—” she waved a hand and laughed. “Okay, that’s about it for Barlow. But Fargo and Grand Forks aren’t all that far away. We could find fun things to do there.”

  He chuckled. “You forgot the coffee shop in Barlow. I saw it today. That’s new since last summer, huh?”

  “Oh, yeah, it is. It opened just a few months ago. The coffee is really good, you should’ve stopped in.”

  “I might’ve if I hadn’t just had a cup at the car dealership.”

  She raised her brows. “Conley’s? The Chevy dealer?”

  “Is there any other car dealer in Barlow?”

  “Nope.”

  “Then, obviously it was Conley’s,” he said, giving her a teasing nudge with his shoulder. “I ordered a truck last week. It came in and I had to go pay for it today.”

  “You ordered a truck? As in, a new truck? I thought you had a truck.”

  “I do, but it’s in Minneapolis.”

  Her eyes widened. “So, you just ordered a new one?”

  He shrugged. “I was feeling guilty for hogging retreat center vehicles all the time.”

  “Couldn’t you have had your other truck delivered here or something?”

  “I could’ve, but I decided it wouldn’t be a bad idea to have a vehicle at both places.” He smiled when she looked confused. “I plan to visit here whenever I can, Callie. It won’t happen often during the season, but when I do, I thought it would be nice to have my own wheels. In the meantime, I’ll leave it here and you can use it.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “But I’ll have Grandpa’s truck if I need one.”

  He raised a brow. “The 1990 model?”

  “1991,” she corrected, her eyes twinkling. “But it runs great.”

  “Uh huh. In that case, I guess you can just park the new one in the shed somewhere and use it as a backup.”

  Callie folded her arms and gave him a speculative look. “So, when you want a new truck, you just go order one? No big deal?”

  He scratched his chin. “I really don’t do that kind of thing very often. I don’t want you to think I’m a crazy spender.”

  She gave him a mock sympathetic look. “It’s not easy being a rich hockey player, huh?”

  “See, now that’s the image I want to avoid.” He pretended to frown, but it was hard because this felt so good. This easy, normal conversation was exactly what he needed after his visit to Gary Denton’s office.

  She poked his leg with her toe and relented. “I don’t have any problems with your image, Vince. I like your image. You’re the nicest guy I’ve ever met, money or no money. If you want to buy a new truck, buy a new truck.”

  He looked at her hopefully. “But you will use it sometimes, right? In exchange for letting me store it here?”

  “We have lots of space. You don’t have to let me use it in order to store it here.”

  “I’d still like it if you did.”

  She rested her chin on her knees, her green eyes soft. “Maybe I will. It’ll make me feel closer to you when y
ou’re gone.”

  Vince groaned and let his head fall back against the couch. “I’d prefer not to think about that right now.”

  She pushed it. “You don’t want to get back on the ice? Back to your team?”

  “Well, I won’t mind that part of it.” Without warning, he scooped her up and set her in his lap, tucking her head under his chin. “I just don’t want to be separated from the coolest, sweetest, most beautiful girl I know. I’ll miss her too much.”

  They both startled when a soft voice came from the archway to the hall. “Excuse me, Callie?”

  Callie sat upright at the sound of Leslie’s voice, instantly tense. “Leslie? Is everything okay?”

  “I think you might want to call Doctor Halliday,” the nurse said gently. “Your grandfather’s agitation is getting worse. He might need a stronger dose of the pain medication.”

  Vince felt a tremor go through Callie’s body. She looked at him, her eyes wide and scared, before sliding off his lap.

  “Okay. I’ll call him right now.” Callie grabbed her phone off the coffee table and walked out into the hallway to call. Vince got to his feet and looked at Leslie.

  “How bad is it?” he asked softly.

  “It’s hard to say. I can’t tell for sure if he’s in pain, or just frustrated and confused. He’s mumbling a lot, but I can’t understand anything he’s saying. Whatever it is, he’s unable to settle down and it’s going to be a real long night for him if the doctor doesn’t have an answer for us.” Leslie’s kind eyes showed her worry. “I’d better get back to him. Have Callie come to his room when she gets off the phone. She might be able to calm him.”

  Vince nodded and went out to the hall, getting there just as Callie said goodbye. Her eyes showed worry about ten times greater than the nurse’s.

  “Dr. Halliday said we can up the dose of his medicine a little bit, but if that doesn’t help there’s really nothing else we can do. He said—he said it probably won’t be long now.”

  She tried to put her phone back in her pocket, but kept missing. Vince gently took it from her and put it on the little decorative table behind her.

  “I’m sorry, Callie,” he said softly.

  She wrung her hands, her eyes wet. “I hate this. I hate it. I don’t know how to do this.”

  Vince pulled her into his arms. “Shhh, sweetheart. You can do this. You’re strong. Jeremiah made you that way.”

  She gripped handfuls of his tee shirt and pushed her forehead against his chest. He felt her body trembling and he tightened his arms around her.

  “I don’t feel so strong,” she said, her voice shaking. “I just want to run away and pretend it’s not happening.”

  “But you won’t. You wouldn’t run even if it was an option.”

  He felt her sigh and give a little nod, but she was still clinging to him. He knew she just needed a minute to shore herself up and he gladly held her until the trembling stopped, until she pushed slowly away and gave him a brave smile.

  “Thank you, Vince. Again.”

  He took her hand and pressed it briefly to his lips. “Come on. Leslie said you might be able to help settle him down.”

  “You’ll go in with me?”

  “Of course. Whatever you want.”

  She sighed and leaned in for one more hug. “I want you with me.”

  He dropped a kiss on her head before they walked down the hall to Jeremiah’s bedroom. At the doorway, she pulled him to a stop while she took several deep breaths, then she let go of his hand and walked into the room and over to the chair by the bed. Vince followed and stood behind her, his hands lightly on her shoulders.

  “Hey, Grandpa.”

  Jeremiah turned his face slowly toward her, his eyes fixing on hers. “Callie,” he whispered.

  She gave a little gasp, surprised he was coherent. She took his hand between hers and held it to her cheek. “Yeah, Grandpa, it’s me.”

  “Vince?” he asked, his voice still only a whisper.

  Vince leaned down. “I’m here, too, Jeremiah. I’m with Callie, just like I told you I would be.”

  Watery blue eyes shifted to look up at him. “Stay with her,” the man said, his voice stronger. “Help her. Don’t make her go through it alone.”

  “I won’t,” Vince assured him. He glanced at Callie, but she didn’t seem surprised by her grandfather’s request—because she thought he was only worried about leaving her alone when he died.

  “Can I do anything for you, Grandpa?” Callie asked.

  Jeremiah closed his eyes and seemed to shrink even further into his mattress. When he didn’t respond, Callie reluctantly let go of his hand and got up. Crossing to where Leslie was sitting, she quietly told her that Dr. Halliday had upped the dose of pain medication a little bit and Leslie could call and get the new dosage from her office.

  Leslie made a quick call to verify that Jeremiah’s chart had been updated, then went over to the bed and adjusted the drip of the meds going through the IV line.

  “I’m going to give you a little more medicine, Jeremiah,” she said. “I think it’ll help you sleep.”

  The man’s eyes blinked open again. “Callie.”

  She quickly resumed her seat and leaned toward him. “I’m still here, Grandpa.”

  “Sorry, Callie. I’m…....sorry. I can’t do it anymore. I’m so tired.”

  Vince saw her shoulders stiffen. “Grandpa, just—please—don’t….” her voice broke and she once more took his hand. For a long moment she was silent, her jaw clenched as she tried to come to grips with her emotions. Jeremiah’s eyes closed, then opened.

  “Sorry,” he repeated. “Love you, Callie.”

  “I love you too,” she said thickly. She slumped toward him, her elbow propped on the bed by his pillow. Tears spilled but she didn’t wipe them away. They dripped off her chin and onto the blanket. Vince wanted to go to her but knew he shouldn’t. She needed this moment.

  “Life with you has been the best thing, Grandpa. So many amazing years together.” She smiled through the tears, remembering. “I’ll treasure every one of them. Always. You made me feel precious and loved and I’m so thankful for that. And—Grandpa, it’s okay. It’s okay if you’re done fighting. You don’t need to worry about me because I’ll be all right.” She squeezed his shoulder and closed her eyes tightly for a moment. “I’ll be all right,” she repeated, and Vince could tell she was trying to reassure herself as much as she was her grandfather.

  Jeremiah gave one slow nod, his pained expression easing a bit. When he spoke again, his voice was clear and much stronger. “You were meant to come here Callie-girl. I believe that with all my heart.”

  “Me too,” Callie said firmly. “Nothing could have been better than living here on the Double Nickel with you.”

  His gaze shifted from her face to the ceiling. “I’m glad. I’m real glad to hear that,” he said, his voice trailing off into a whisper.

  Callie looked over her shoulder at Vince, needing him now. He went and squatted down beside her chair, putting his hand on her back. The trembling had returned, the kind that came from deep inside, when emotions ran high and needed some kind of outlet.

  “Just stay with him for a little bit,” he whispered. “The extra meds should kick in soon. Maybe he’ll be able to sleep.”

  Jeremiah stared straight up for another minute, then his eyelids slid closed. His chest rose and fell regularly, and his agitation seemed to be gone. Callie sat there for a few more minutes, then carefully pushed her chair away from the bed and stood, wiping her wet face on her sleeve. Vince reached out his hand and she grabbed it, holding on tightly as he led her toward the door.

  “Let us know if he wakes up,” Vince told Leslie.

  “I will. You two should try to get some rest while you can.”

  Once they were out in the hall, Vince stopped and turned her into his arms. “You did good, Callie. You told him everything he needed to hear.”

  She was still shaking. “I wasn’t
prepared for that. I didn’t expect him to be lucid.” She looked up at him, her sad eyes turning his heart inside out. “Do you think that’s the last time I’ll be able to talk to him like that?”

  Vince hesitated. She’d released Jeremiah, told him it was okay to go, and Vince was pretty sure that’s what the man had been waiting for.

  He answered her question truthfully. “I think it’s probably the last time,” he said gently.

  She closed her eyes for a few seconds. “Yeah. Probably so.” She dropped her cheek against his chest. “There’s a lot more I could have said. He knows, though, right? He knows how much I love him?”

  “He definitely knows,” Vince assured her, cradling her head with his hand. “He loves you more than anything, Callie. You gave him a reason to work hard and enjoy life, and he can die knowing he raised an incredible woman. You’re his greatest legacy.”

  She swiped at her eyes, then looked up at him again. “That’s kind of a lot of pressure,” she said, managing a shaky smile. “What if I screw up and ruin it?”

  “You won’t.”

  “If you say so.” She smiled a little uncertainly. “You’re staying again, right?”

  “Yep. I went by the Full Heart and packed a new bag today.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “You need to get to bed, sweetheart. You’re worn out.”

  She shook her head. “I’m not as tired as I was last night. I’m going to sleep on the couch tonight. You go upstairs. I have the bedroom down the hall from mine ready for you.”

  He didn’t argue that she should go to her bed again, because he understood her need to be closer to her grandfather. “I’ll stay down here with you,” he said.

  “No, please, I want you to go up, Vince. If you’re down here I’ll just be worrying about you not sleeping.”

  “So, there’s a better chance of you sleeping if I’m not close by?”

  She looked up at him, her eyes sad but warm. “I probably won’t sleep much either way, but there’s a better chance of you resting if you’re in a bed, not on a couch with half your legs hanging off the end.”