Heart of an Assassin (Circle of Spies)

by Laura Pauling

I swallowed my ego, ashamed of my desperation and misguided attempts at protecting her that night. “Even though I could've gotten you killed?”

  Mom nodded and silence wedged between us making it seem like I was back in France when she felt so far away. I sucked it up.

  “I’m sorry. It was stupid what I did but Will would not have hurt you.”

  Mom's head whipped up and her eyes jabbed at me, sudden tension emanating from her body. “Don't for one second think you have that man figured out. Don't think because he was nice to you one day that he will be the next day and don't think that because he tells you he's there to protect you that he actually means it.”

  Tears burned my eyes. Will and his family trained me, made me stronger, but they were never my family. “They wouldn't hurt me. We made a deal.”

  Mom talked louder. “They don't make deals. They make false promises when it suits them.”

  Frustration pounded at my insides. “Just because he betrayed you doesn't mean he'll do it to me.”

  “Betray me?” Her voice cracked. “He tried to kill me. I had to go into hiding which meant I could never see you, never talk to you, never hear your voice or laughter or hold you in my arms.” Her words rushed out, pooling at my feet and trying to suck me in. “You want to know the truth? Really know the truth?”

  “Yes.”

  “Once he thought I was dead, I couldn't go back to you and Dad. They were watching you both, waiting, testing to see if I had really died.” She reached over and grabbed my hand. “I stayed away from my family, from my husband and you, hoping, praying that he'd leave you alone.”

  I whipped my hand away. “Don't you think I know that? Malcolm told me everything in Paris. They'd laid the trap for you and then I got sucked in and they found out you’re alive because of me.”

  Truth hit me square in the chest and the realization poured out that I felt guilty for stumbling into the truth and putting my mom in danger.

  “If I hadn't tried so damn hard to find you, you'd still be safe and I'd still be living with Dad, miserable. But I don't care because I got you back and I hate that I risked it all for nothing, because you don't include me.”

  By the time the last word left my mouth, my heart had cracked and the deep hidden hurt places, the dark truths we carry around but can't see and don't want anyone else to see leaked out. Exposed. Everything I wanted her to know but feared she'd see.

  “Oh, Savvy. But you were with your dad!”

  “What?” Bitterness dripped from my mouth, leaking out the sides and coating my words like poison. “After you left it wasn't the same. He withdrew. And then he got all involved with Spy Games and the only thing he talked to me about was spy stuff, which is kind of ironic. And then you dragged me here without letting me say good-bye or explain.”

  She slumped over. “I'm sorry. There’s no excuse for any of this. All I wanted to do was protect you and your father. I sensed you both were struggling, but I couldn’t reveal myself.”

  Her words echoed my thoughts. The whole time I'd been with Will and his family that was my justification. Protect my family. But looking at Mom hunched over told me that maybe I'd hurt her too. Maybe I'd made the wrong decision.

  “Why did they invite you into their home?” Her voice was soft and made me want sit next to her and put my head on her shoulder so she could stroke my hair and rub my back like she did when I was a kid.

  “He offered to train me in exchange for your safety. But I think they wanted me for tonight, for my connection to Constance, so I could sneak in.”

  “Honey. They could do any of that by themselves. You know the phrase, keep your friends close?”

  I knew it. They’d never needed me. They wanted to keep an eye on me while entrancing me in their spell. And they used me to get to Malcolm, to bring him home again.

  “Alright. My girls need some refreshments.”

  Adamos bustled out and put a tray on the rickety table. He placed a candle next to it and lit it with a match. A small flame burst toward the sky and fell back to a whisper, flickering in the breeze. But the warm light couldn't fix the raw emotions Mom and I had dished out.

  Adamos fixed us both a plate of crackers and cheese. “You both need to eat and we need to plan.”

  “What?” We both said at the same time.

  “Sorry, but I could not help but overhear a part of your conversation and it seems that for too long you both have been the ones running, the ones scrambling to understand why your lives were falling in pieces around you, why someone was trying to kill you and why your family was ripped apart. Time to protect yourselves.”

  He settled into the third chair, letting his words soak in. I glanced at Mom then quickly looked away as her eyes met mine. Was it possible? That she and I could work together?

  “What can we do?” I asked feebly then nibbled on a cracker. My nerves stretched thin as if I knew the answer and it terrified me.

  Mom said, “I don't want to put our lives in anymore danger. We've never been the aggressor and I don't want to put them on the defensive.”

  Adamos cleared his throat like he was about to deliver the most important speech of his life. “Time to be completely honest. Savvy?”

  “Huh? Um, yeah, right.” The list.

  Mom leaned forward. “Savvy?”

  “Well, um. You know Robert paid Constance a lot of money to bird watch at the monastery and search for a secret room? Well, he found it and stole scrolls but then he wanted out so drew a false map.” I paused letting that information sink in before feeding her more. “Will’s grandmother told me about a list. I’m thinking it might be in the monastery archives.” I leaned forward. “And Constance told me how to find the room.”

  “What list?” Mom asked sharply.

  “You don’t know about the list?” I mean how could she? Edith was the one who told me. “The monks have a scroll that lists names, places, events, and dates of our families over hundreds of years. And all our crimes. They have sworn to destroy both our families. None of us are safe until we find it and destroy it.”

  “I had no idea,” Mom whispered. “This can’t be good.”

  “No kidding. We can’t just run away and live happily ever after.” I let that thought simmer for a moment. “Let me go. I won't cooperate until Will’s family signs a truce. I can reveal the location of the secret room and we’ll find the list together and then go our separate ways. When this is done, we can leave. They might be assassins. We might be spies. But we'll do our jobs with the promise not to strike at each other.”

  Adamos laughed and the warm tones washed over me. “You know, it's so crazy that it just might work.”

  “Let me go then.” Mom sat down again. “You can tell me and I'll go in your place.”

  “No. You have to trust me. I have the relationship with them, not you.” Tentatively I reached out for Mom's hand. “I'm not just your daughter anymore. I'm your partner. And it's time to start treating me as one.”

  She hesitated, doubt flashing across her features before she pressed her lips together. She put her other hand on top of mine. “I'm in.”

  Adamos leaned over and put both his hand on top of hers. “I'm in too.”

  Thirty-five

  Mom headed inside, leaving Adamos and I in the backyard. The trees limbs were no longer shaped like jagged knives ready to rip into me and I found solace in the dark and quiet.

  “Are you sure you’re up for this tonight?” he asked. “We could wait a few days until you are rested.”

  “We have to move now,” I said.

  I couldn’t look Adamos in the eyes. Everything he’d done for me had been about protection and keeping me alive. He knew about Malcolm, but I still held back a nugget of truth, an emotion that flickered inside me, betraying my mom and Adamos and everything they stood for. How could I tell him that I didn’t want our mortal enemies to die? That part of my motivation in working with Malcolm’s family was to stop this stupid war that stretched back hundreds of years.
Plus, they had stolen the fake map off of Robert’s body and I didn’t want that to get them in trouble. Even if Will’s family at some point turned on me, I wasn’t going to turn on them. I couldn’t face Malcolm again if I’d sent his family toward certain death.

  “Talk to me.” His voice was gentle.

  “You know, Adamos, if you gave up the whole guardian thing and put yourself out there, women would be falling at your feet.”

  He shook his head. “Chasing after love is a fool’s game. I had my turn. I promised not to love again.”

  It all came together. Normally I would bust his chops and let him know I’d caught onto his game, but I held back. This was too personal. If Adamos was using me as an excuse not to feel anything toward anyone then that was his choice. He’d lost his family and I knew a little bit about how that can change a person. And he’d really lost them.

  He spoke again. “What is wrong?”

  “Well…”

  “If it affects our plan, you must tell us. I know you don’t fully trust your mother yet but she needs to know everything you know.”

  “Fine, but it doesn’t really affect our plans.” I stumbled about with my words a bit until just spitting them out. “I don’t want Malcolm’s family to die. I know they hurt and kidnapped you in Paris, but I care about Malcolm.”

  Adamos let the silence sit between us but it wasn’t awkward or condemning. He pulled me into a hug, which he rarely did, and the warmth of his arms and his solid body made me feel safer than I had in days.

  He murmured in Greek, then said, “Little one, that’s why I’m here. Because you care and because you’re worth it. You saved me in Paris and I will someday save you.”

  Adamos pulled away and cleared his throat as if to shake off the momentary emotion. He picked up a black case that had been hidden under the patio table. “Let’s get down to business.”

  “What’s that?” The case almost melted in with the darkness giving it an ominous look.

  He opened it with a click. I gasped. A shiny black pistol fit inside perfectly. I flash-backed to Paris and felt sick.

  “No,” I whispered. “No guns. I can’t.”

  “I don’t want you to go in unprotected.”

  “No guns. That’s not what I’m about and that will put Will’s family on the defensive. I’ll go in with just my words and prove I’m there to help them.”

  Adamos put the gun away, nodded, and backed off. “You know best. Always follow your gut.”

  “Savvy?”

  At the sound of Mom’s voice, Adamos completely disappeared into the shadows to give us privacy. But I knew he was there ready to help.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Do you want me to come with you?” She stepped closer.

  She was dressed in black, ready to go on a mission. Her hair sat in a bun on top of her head and for the first time she looked like Mom the spy, instead of just Mom. The hope and fear of a mission reflected in her eyes and she reminded me, of well, me. Maybe we were more alike than I thought. Our lives had been upended and we’d both struggled with surviving in this new world, and we’d both made mistakes. In that instant I forgave her completely. The anger drained from my body and I felt light, almost happy. I closed the gap between us and hugged her. When I went to pull away, she hugged me back.

  “What was that for?” she asked, her voice filled with emotion.

  “I forgive you.” Then the words choked in my throat. I had my mom back. For real. And it had been me, not her, this whole time in Greece keeping us apart. I’d blamed her for not talking when my bitterness must have put up a ten-inch thick wall impossible to break through.

  “Thank you,” she whispered.

  We stood like that for a few minutes. I just soaked up the Mom I’d missed. I didn’t have all the answers to my questions, but in that moment I didn’t care. Having Mom back was more important. I swear Adamos smiled at me from the shadows.

  “Do you want my help tonight?”

  I pulled away, a steely resignation settling on me. “I need to do this alone. For me.”

  She nodded. “As your mom, I disagree. But as your partner, I respect your decision. We’ll be here if you need us. Just send out the call.”

  The house was dark and when I approached the front door to knock, it was open. All I had to do was give it a nudge and it swung on its hinges. It felt weird to enter uninvited into the house I’d lived in for weeks. In the darkened kitchen, I couldn’t hear a sound. Where could they all be?

  Prince trotted into the kitchen and I fed him some treats. I rubbed behind his ears. “Hey, boy.” Why couldn’t people be like Prince? Trusting, loving and only asking for a little bit in return. I rubbed behind his ears. “Good boy.”

  Thankfully, I’d crept through their house many nights in search of lemon bars. I knew every creaky spot on the floor, every spot where the moonlight streamed through when the clouds broke. I made my way to Bartholomew’s office and couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. No alarms. No blinking red camera lights. I expected them to be home. I turned the doorknob and pushed it open, hesitating, listening for a sound or footsteps in the kitchen or outside, but there was nothing. I closed the office door behind me.

  I fumbled in my small pack for a penlight. My mission was straightforward. Find the map and leave.

  “I wondered how long it would take you to turn on us.”

  My head shot up. Edith sat behind Bartholomew’s desk, her hands steepled, waiting for me.

  “That’s right,” she said. “Quake in your boots because for the first time since you’ve lived under our roof you are now officially in enemy territory. You are now the enemy.”

  “This is not what it looks like.” I dropped the penlight like it was a weapon. “I came looking for all of you, but when I got to the front door it was open…” I realized how lame that sounded. It totally looked like a break-in.

  Her voice crackled with emotion. “I don’t like or trust many people but because Malcolm liked you I was willing to try. You suckered me in hook, line and sinker. I just wonder if Malcolm knows what you’re really like.”

  I cringed at the vitriol in her voice, the hatred and distrust coming off in waves. I didn’t want to lose her trust. She might not like me much at all but she held sway over her family in ways I’d only realized over time.

  “Please let me explain.”

  She waved her hand. “We should’ve listened to Will back in Paris and done away with you. But we didn’t, because Malcolm said to hold off. Boy was that a mistake.”

  She clapped her hands and the secret room by the fireplace opened. Bartholomew walked out, a solemn look on his face. Janelle followed. She didn’t even glance my way, but kept her head down and her hands folded. Will strode out, his steely eyes piercing mine.

  Then Malcolm walked out. My heart leapt and I felt all tingly. He was here, really here, right in front of me. His eyes were shadowed by the lack of light so I didn’t know where he was looking or what kind of emotion lay behind them, whether cold and dismissive or understanding. If he didn’t believe my mission here tonight, then his family wouldn’t either.

  Thirty-six

  Edith rapped her cane on the floor. “We gave you the best of what we had—our boys. Malcolm saved your life. Will gave up his precious time to train you and this is what we get in return? You break into our house and sneak into our study to spy and steal?” She pointed her finger at me and accusation stung her words. “I shared my lemon bars with you.”

  I lowered my head and played with my fingernails. Would they even try to understand my reasoning? And I wasn’t about to correct that she, in fact, never shared her lemon bars.

  Bartholomew cleared his throat. “We’ve debated this long enough. Why don’t we let Will have her and be done with it.”

  “Need we be so harsh?” Janelle asked. “I mean she is just a young girl. Maybe we should let her talk.”

  Will stepped forward from the shadows and sat on the corner of
the desk.

  “Young girl?” he scoffed. “When a young girl ruins the plans and infiltrates the top assassin family in the country I’d say she’s not the innocent anymore.” He turned to me, his eyes like small black holes, looking at me but not seeing. “Considering your ancestry we never should’ve given you a chance. We won’t make the same mistake again.”

  The whole family murmured in agreement except Malcolm. He stayed silent, brooding from his spot where he leaned against the wall. He knew me better than that. But would he stick up for me?

  “If you’d let me explain,” I stated, trying to hide the fear.

  “Not a good idea, dear,” Janelle said, shutting me up.

  Will crossed his arms. “It’ll be my pleasure to eliminate the enemy.”

  The fear lacing my veins turned to anger and burned until I couldn’t keep quiet. “Okay, that’s enough. You guys weren’t kind enough to do anything.” My legs trembled. “You didn’t take me in out of the kindness of your heart. That’s crazy and you all know it. First, I wasn’t really given a choice. When Will offered my family protection what was I supposed to say? No?”

  Malcolm stiffened. I was glad he was here. He needed to know the facts. That I ran out on him not because I didn’t like his plan or like him but I needed to follow through with my end of the deal so my family would be safe, so Constance would keep breathing.

  I stepped closer to Will and as soon as I did all fear burned away, leaving me with the sword of truth and all I had to do was plunge it into their fabrication of twisted truths. I didn’t let his glare unnerve me.

  “And I was also offered training. Yes, I got into shape with some early morning runs and I learned some defensive moves, but then it stopped. Like you all planned to invite the enemy into your home, throw her some bones and then use her for her connections.” I hesitated, wondering if I should reveal my thoughts behind their motivation. What the hell. “And you used me to bring your son home.”

  They all looked surprised and Edith gasped. “Bull rubbish, I say.”

  “No. It’s the truth and you know it,” I stated.