by Britney King
She caught a glimpse of herself in the lighted floor to ceiling mirror. All dressed up, with nowhere to go. Jess laughed maniacally considering how far she’d fallen, just how deep she’d sunk. She considered her life now, a junkie, with no friends, a husband who was not only never coming back, but who had also squandered their money away and her life in the process.
Jess took one more look in the mirror then sunk further down and laid her forehead against the smooth, cool, hardwood flooring. If it had been up to her, she would’ve chosen carpeting. She buried her face in the shirts and let the tears fall until there were no more tears, only quiet sobs. Look what has become of you, she thought to herself. Look at you now. Alone and empty. It was this that played over and over in her mind until there was nothing left except darkness. She let the darkness take her and without any fight at all, she slipped willingly into the oblivion.
“Mommy?” she heard a small voice cry. “Mommy!”
“Mom. Wake up.” A slightly older, male voice. Jonathan. She felt him shake her. “Mom, quit playing around. You’re scaring Cate! And you’re lying in throw up…” He shook her again, harder this time. Jess pictured herself responding, she heard it happening in her mind, but at the same time was somehow wise enough to know that her children weren’t seeing nor hearing the same thing. She hovered in and out of consciousness, floating above herself and she saw the situation for what it was. Passed out cold while her kids were desperately trying but were unable to wake her. They were growing more and more panicked by the second and Jess herself was frantic, literally stuck inside her mind, unable to fix their problem. She heard a commotion, listened to the nanny’s voice call out, then the butler’s until finally, she heard Myles. Something about that voice in particular put her mind at ease.
“We tried to wake her up. She threw up,” she heard Jonathan say.
“Your mom’s fine.” She listened to Myles assure him. “She just needs a shower, that’s all. How about you guys run downstairs and put on a movie,” he continued. His voice was calm but firm.
“Dean, run a cold shower, would you?”
She felt a finger slip into her mouth and remove the vomit that was lodged inside. Jess tried to pick up her head, to assist, but found her body and her brain were no longer working in unison. Unable to move, she felt herself being lifted and carried and then wham! The shock of the cold hit. It was like a thousand tiny needles stabbing her body all at once and she was powerless to make it stop. Her limbs weighed a thousand pounds and Jess understood that she was too drunk to put up a fight. She heaved and instinctively turned sideways as she felt the liquid rise and burn as it rose up in her throat. She heaved and vomited, then vomited some more until it felt like maybe there was nothing left and the water turned warm.
Finally, she shifted and curled into a ball. She smelled of throw up and alcohol and everything pathetic, and still, the water ran. She wanted it to stop, she wanted to say as much, but the best she could do in her current drunken state was to focus on making herself as small as possible. Sometime later—time was irrelevant at this point as the room was spinning too fast—she inhaled the fresh, familiar scent of her shampoo and felt her scalp being massaged. She allowed herself to lean into the large hands as they enveloped her head. She mumbled several sentences, most of them incoherent, all but one. “This was my best dress, you know.”
“You can do better,” he whispered as he gently toweled her face and then to her relief, the water stopped. And even in her drunken state—as sick and pathetic and terrible as the situation was, she considered that maybe—just maybe, this was what love felt like.
Jessica sat up in bed and eyed her children. Catherine wore a look of worry while her son was obviously perturbed. She adjusted the covers and then propped herself up just a little more. Her head pounded, her throat burned, and all she wanted to do was pull the covers up over her head and sleep—but she knew she had to get through this, no matter what.
Jess patted the bed. “Climb in, you guys,” she uttered, her throat dry, her head still spinning.
Catherine quickly perched herself up and splayed out on the bed while Jonathan slowly pulled a chair over. The sound grated on Jess’s ears. She waited for him to sit and settle and as he did, she contemplated how quickly he’d gone from a little boy to a young man. He’d grown up so much in the past year. And she had missed so much of it. Jess took a deep breath in and let it out. She spoke slowly. “Listen, I need to talk to you guys about something, and I want you to feel free to ask me anything you want, okay?”
Catherine nodded eagerly. Jonathan simply stared and waited.
Jess inhaled, and then began carefully. “First of all, I want to talk to you guys about last night… you shouldn’t have had to see me like you did. I was wrong for letting that happen. The thing is… I’m sick… but… I’m going to be going away for a few weeks in order to get better. Kind of like how I did when I was in the rehab facility. You remember?” She exhaled and felt the tears well up then spill over. “I’m really sad that I have to go… but I know I need to get well, especially for the two of you. I want you to know that I love the both of you more than anything. More than anything in the whole wide world. And I am sorry, so sorry for what I put you through over the past few months. Even if you don’t understand it all right now, you will someday, and I hope you know that you should never have had to see me that sick.” She paused to wipe the tears, which were running down her neck. “I know I scared you and I’m so very sorry, for all of it—”
“Drunk,” Jonathan interrupted. “You mean you were drunk.”
Jess nodded. “Yes, well, that too.”
“What does drunk mean, Mommy?” Catherine asked her tone upbeat.
“It means I drank too much, sweetie. You know how when your dad and I tell you not to eat too much candy or it’ll make you sick? Well, it’s sort of like that.” She eyed her son. “Only worse. Anyway, Grammy is going to come and stay with the two of you while I go and get better…”
Her daughter’s face dropped. “But I don’t want you to leave again.”
Jess wrapped her daughter in her arms and met her son’s gaze. “I don’t want to leave again either, but this is something I have to do. Otherwise, I will just get sicker. And you guys—” she squeezed and then continued, “deserve so much better.”
Jonathan shifted. “When is Dad coming home?”
She sighed and considered his question. “I don’t know, sweetie. I wish I had a better answer for you, but he has business to attend to there.”
He shook his head and stared toward the window. “Sure he does,” Jonathan finally said before standing and walking to her. He handed her the notebook he’d been holding. “I wrote some stories… you know, the way we always used to do together… and I wanted you to read through them. I think they’ll help you get better. ”
Jess swallowed hard and took the notebook from her son’s hands. “Of course they will.”
Catherine lifted her head and glared at her brother. “Jonathan wrote about you, Mommy. He spends all his time now on his stories and never plays with me anymore. He says he wants to be a writer someday, that’s why.”
Jess looked over at her son. “I think he already is.”
She shifted and cradled Catherine’s head. “I am going to miss you two so much, but I hear that you can come and visit me in a few weeks and I can’t wait until then.” Jess bit her lip, grasping for words, afraid she might lose it and give herself away at any time. “Kit Cat, will you draw me some pictures and have Dean mail them? Jonathan, I’d really love it if you’d send a story or two to keep me company after I get through these.”
Catherine reared up, her eyes all lit up. “I have the perfect idea! You need sparkles, Mommy!”
Jess kissed her daughter and watched as she darted out of the room with Jonathan following close behind. She turned over, knowing that she’d have to get up and dress. She and Myles were scheduled to leave in a few hours. But, for now, she just wanted to
snuggle up, cry, and read the stories her son had created for her.
Chapter Sixteen
Jessica opened the notebook her son had given her and closed it again. Could she really do this? She buckled her seatbelt and watched in the passenger side mirror as Myles loaded her things into the back of her SUV. Still feeling terrible, she hadn’t thought to ask where they were going. And a part of her wasn’t even sure she cared. Mostly, she just wanted to get this over with.
Myles opened the driver side door and climbed in pausing to look at her before starting the car. He seemed to read her mind. “I’m guessing you want to know where we’re headed.”
Jess shrugged. Not only did she still feel terrible, but she’d cried herself to sleep and then woke up from the nap only further drained and unsure of what year she was in. Out of it and disappointed she was in this situation to begin with, she was numb.
He studied her face. “Addison said to take you to the beach house. She thought it would be a good place to get away for a while, she said that you love it there.”
She inhaled. The beach house… She and Addison had spent most of their summers there together in college. And she was right. It was a place filled to the brim with good memories. “Let’s hope I still love it there when this is all said and done.”
Myles smirked. “Ah… there’s that happy go lucky, positive girl I know so well. I knew she was in there somewhere. Well, for what it’s worth, I think the ocean will do you some good…”
Jess stared out the window and watched as her house and everything that mattered to her faded from view. “If you say so.” She finally replied before opening the notebook once again and began to read, deciding that she was in no mood for conversation.
Hello,
My name is Jonathan Sawyer Clemens and I am eleven years, nine months, twenty-three days and seven hours old at the time of this writing. This is the story of my life. I hope you will enjoy it.
JSC
She paused and smiled to herself and continued on. That boy of hers, he was something.
Today is the last day of sixth grade. I guess I should be happy about this because, you know, it’s summer and all, but I’m not. You see, I’m growing up and this means I’m not a kid anymore. I’m moving into the future and I can’t honestly tell you I like where this is headed. I think I saw a movie about this once. Also, my parents are getting divorced.
But only one of them knows it.
JSC
Jess read and reread what her son had written on the page. She closed the notebook, stared out the window, and pondered the timing of his entry. Four months before the accident. She had no idea that Jonathan was aware of what was happening with her marriage, and she wondered how this was even possible when she herself had completely missed it.
“Whatcha reading?” Myles asked, interrupting her thoughts.
Jess didn’t respond.
“Okay… then.”
Jess fingered the edge of the notebook, afraid to open it, afraid not to.
Myles stared straight ahead. “I have something I want to share with you if you’re in the mood to hear it…”
Jess sighed but didn’t answer.
He continued anyway. “So, I’ve been trying to find my ex-wife for a while now… and I think I might have found her.”
Jess turned to him then, her tone stern. “What do you mean?”
Myles gripped the wheel tighter and then relaxed, but only a little. “Ever since Hailey died… there have been things I’ve wanted to say to her… things I needed to say…”
Jessica narrowed her brow. “Such as?”
He glanced her way, then shrugged, and focused back on the road. “Just stuff…”
She straightened in her seat and spoke slowly, her tone sharp. “Well, that’s great. I hope me and my sobriety, or lack thereof, isn’t holding you back.”
Myles frowned. “You’re not. Actually—”
Jess cut him off mid-sentence. “I guess you should ask yourself why she’s running… why she’s been so clever at hiding. You know… I’m not sure if you’ve considered this or not, but some people just don’t want to be found.”
“And you think I haven’t given this some thought?”
She glared at him. “I don’t know. Have you?”
Myles changed the subject and went straight for the jugular. “Say, about that old man of yours, I gathered that he’s shaking you down for money… and I’m curious what you are going to do about it?”
Jess shifted in her seat and put as much distance as she could between the two of them before finally answering. “He needs it.”
“And what about you? Do you need it?”
She deadpanned. “You don’t think I can do this, do you?”
Myles watched her from the corner of his eye. “The question is... do you think you can?”
Jess watched the blur of the trees as they flashed by. She stared up at the cloudy sky and wished it would open up and swallow her whole. She wanted nothing more than to be anywhere other than where she was, in this car, headed toward the unknown. “I just think we should talk about what is really being said here, that’s all.”
“Fine. How about this… maybe, just maybe, everything isn’t about you. And anyway, what I think about you is irrelevant.”
“So you don’t care one way or the other? Is that what you’re saying?”
“I’m saying that I have my own stuff to deal with.”
“How wonderful for you.”
Myles stepped on the gas and picked up speed. “What are you afraid of, Jessica?”
She studied the speedometer and watched the needle creep upward. “Everything.”
Myles swallowed. “Aside from everything. Dig a little deeper…”
She squeezed her eyes shut and massaged her temples before taking a deep breath in and letting it out. “You’re going too fast.”
“Then ask me to slow down.”
“Seriously? Slow down.”
He let off the gas. “See, it’s pretty simple… asking for what you want. Isn’t it?”
Jessica felt the fear rise up in her throat and swallowed it back down. “Fine.” She swallowed. “You want to know what I’m afraid of… I’ll tell you… I’m afraid that once I’m sober that you’ll bail. That I won’t be the crazy, fun, Jessica, who needs managing anymore.”
Myles did a double take. “First off, you’re not as fun as you think you are. Secondly, can you control whether I bail or not? Can you control whether or not I like you?”
Jess shook her head, clearly over this conversation. “I don’t know.”
“Of course, you do.” He pressed.
She sighed and relented. “No. I guess not...”
“Then let it go.”
“I’m trying,” she replied before removing the elastic bands from her wrist. She swept her hair up into a bun and wrapped it on top of her head. “I’m trying.”
Myles eyed her for a second and then looked back at the road. God, she was beautiful. “Try harder.”
“Do you want to know what I really think? I think this whole non-attachment thing you’ve got going is bullshit.”
He raised one brow. “Oh?”
“Yeah, complete and total fucking bullshit…”
“You’re not angry at all, are you?” He smirked.
“You know what, Myles?”
“What?”
“You like to think that you’re enlightened or smarter than the rest of us because you’re so open… because you can move through life without any fears—without being attached to anyone or anything… but you know what I think?”
“Tell me.” He liked her angry.
“I think pretending that you don’t care, that you’re so open, is also a way of remaining closed.”
Myles gripped the wheel tighter, but he didn’t respond. Instead, he let the seed Jess had just planted within him begin to germinate.
Jess re-opened the notebook and removed her sunglasses. She reached back and grabbe
d her sweater from the back seat and wrapped it around her. Just three more hours and she would be able to get out of this car and away from this man. In the meantime, she had some reading to do.
Hello,
It’s me again. Today was a rough day. A boy on the playground has been bothering Kit Cat and today he hit her. Kit Cat is scared to go to school and when I tried to talk to my mom about it, she just stared into space and nodded. I don’t think she heard anything I said. In fact, I know she didn’t because when I threw a few crazy details in the mix, like Catherine and I running away, she didn’t bat an eye. She just nodded and said uh-huh. I think something is wrong with her. I mean I know about the accident and all. But she seems different. As though maybe aliens invaded her brain and she’s not even our mom anymore. Maybe it’s just the shell of her body but a different operation system altogether. That’s the only explanation I can come up with.
My dad said that this happens sometimes after car accidents and that it takes a while for a person to get back to their old selves. And maybe he’s right.