by Britney King
But I prefer the alien version of the story.
JSC
Hello,
I turned in the above writing to Mrs. Paulson as a part of our daily journal exercise. I thought that she might help Kit Cat and find out about this asshole kid bothering her, but she didn’t. Anyway, I don’t think I’ll do that again though because she just agreed with my dad and said these things take time. And then she was extra nice and told me I didn’t have to worry about my homework for the rest of the week because I had “so much going on.” What that really meant was that she felt sorry for me. Adults do that all the time. Instead of saying what you want them to say, they offer up pity instead. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. That’s the last thing I need. Because boys like Adam Lancaster, who bother little girls, feed off pity, and then they use it to their advantage.
Sometimes, I think I’m two different people. There is the one teachers see. And the one who arranges bullies even bigger than the shithead who is messing with my sister to put the Adam Lancaster’s of the world in their place.
I tried to talk to my dad about this today… mostly because I needed to know the legal implications of arranging such a thing, and I knew he would know… but as usual, his phone rang and he pulled the car over and stepped out to take the call because “this is important.”
Maybe this is why my mom stopped trying.
JSC
Hi,
I decided to say hi instead of hello today. I’m not sure why, and maybe this sounds weird, but I feel like we are getting to know one another and maybe hello is a little too formal. It’s kind of like this girl at school named Sophie who I kind of sort of like. Every day I saw her, but never said anything. Whenever she looked my way, I just looked away. And then one day, I said hello and she said hello. And it went on and on like this for a while until ‘hellos’ were no longer needed, and we just started talking without all of the formalities. Sometimes, it’s nice to get right down to it. And I can do that with her, which I like. It’s nice to have a friend. Sophie’s parents are divorced, and I always want to tell her she’s not alone even though she doesn’t seem to feel sad about it.
Anyway, I don’t want to put too much pressure on you as a reader or anything, but it feels like maybe you are starting to understand where I am coming from. Or maybe I am starting to understand myself. This is one reason I began writing in this journal. My mom gave it to me back in the old days when I had no use for it. When she was herself. And, anyway, now everything is different, and I wanted to write about stuff that I didn’t want my teachers to see. Because, you know, there’s the pity thing. And it’s kind of embarrassing to share your thoughts with everyone. Because sometimes they’ll use those thoughts against you. But that is a story for another time. For now, this is just for me and I guess for you, too. Even though I don’t know who you are.
But then again, I guess you don’t really know me either.
JSC
Jess closed the notebook. “Myles…”
He looked her way and waited.
“Did the doctor say what the quickest way to detox was? Basically, what I mean is how long is this going to take?”
He studied her face. “The first week or two is pretty rough I hear… and I’m not sure this is something you should rush.” He looked back at the road before continuing. “No worries, though. The doc will be seeing you a little later today and you can ask him yourself.”
Jess exhaled. “Good. Because I really, really need to get back home.”
Chapter Seventeen
Jess and Myles arrived at the beach cottage shortly before sunset. To Jessica, it hadn’t changed much even though she considered it had been more than a year since she’d been there. Despite the fact she had zero energy, a part of her wanted to run for the water, to let all of the heaviness go, to swim in the ocean, feelings which driving up to the cottage had evoked since she was a kid. But having not had any of her medication other than alcohol within the past twelve hours, and with her son’s words settling in her bones, she found herself feeling rather terrible and wishing that they’d picked some other place to take her.
As Myles unloaded their things and took them inside, Jess walked the length of the front of the old blue cottage. The small, secluded compound had been in her family for three generations and was now hers given that the rest of them had deemed it too small and too much work, and thus, had purchased their own newer, updated, and more expansive versions of the place. But Jess had always appreciated the charm and the quaintness of the old house. With its shuttered windows, wrap around porch, and stone fireplaces, she always thought it belonged somewhere on Nantucket instead of the shores of the Texas Coast.
She ran her hands along the banister, then took a seat on the porch swing and settled in. This is where she would get better. This is where she would find herself again. She inhaled deeply and breathed in the salt and the sand and the cool early summer breeze coming off the water. She sat that way, in the stillness, for a long while until Myles interrupted her reverie by suggesting that they take a walk down to the water.
Though all she really felt like doing was to sit, Jess stood and followed. Myles was technically a guest and her mother had always told her not to be rude to guests. She pondered all of the things her mother had taught her over the years and wondered how many of them still served her and yet, as she caught his eye, she knew she had to go. Myles smiled at her then as though he could see right through her, reading and deciphering each and every thought she had. He waited for her to catch up and he took her hand and slid it into his. They walked in silence for some time before he spoke. “This place is beautiful. And I just want you to know that I’m happy to be here. Not because you’re paying me, which is something we need to discuss, actually. But for now, I want you to know that I would do this for free.” He grinned. “I like you that much.”
Jess sighed. “Then why ruin it by bringing up your ex-wife in the car?”
Myles stopped abruptly and sat down in the sand, carefully pulling Jess down beside him. He studied her face and spoke slowly. “I’m not sure why that bothered you so much… but if you’re willing to tell me, I’m willing to listen.”
She wanted to be obtuse but couldn’t help but notice the gentle way his eyes searched hers as he spoke, so she relented instead and relaxed into the conversation before letting it all spill out. “I don’t know… I guess it’s just that you really haven’t told me much about yourself… other than not to ask any questions… and everything in my own life is so mixed up right now… that you seem to be the only constant… and then you go and dump that on me without warning. I just wasn’t expecting it... that’s all.”
“You’re right. And I’m sorry. It’s been a very long time since I’ve shown any sort of real emotion to anyone, and I guess I’m still a little rusty about how it all works…”
Jess looked out over the water, picked up a handful of sand, and let it fall through her fingers. “I really feel like shit.”
Myles cleared his throat. “It’s going to be this way for a little while, but it’ll get better.”
“I know. I guess I just hadn’t expected to feel so raw. Without the drugs, I mean. It’s as though all of my armor has been stripped away and here I am.”
He smiled. “Yeah. That’s exactly what it’s like.”
Jess turned to look at him, her brow narrowed. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know what I mean… life, love maybe… it can be that way. You don’t get a choice whether or not you want to hide from it. Eventually, it just catches up with you.”
She laughed. “I don’t know… love is a whole lot scarier, I think. It’s ironic, you know… falling in love is so easy. But it’s the falling out of it that sucks. As with other things, I guess—falling usually doesn’t hurt, but the landing sure as hell does.”
He took a deep breath. “What I meant was that being with you... that’s what it feels like. A little raw, but familiar too. I don’t know why
I’m saying this other than I think you should know… Being with you… it’s like… I can breathe again—only it hurts a little and yet, at the same time, I can’t suck in enough air to keep me satisfied.”
Jess laughed. “Funny. That’s what getting high feels like. And then you just need more and more to do the same job. It’s never enough.”
Myles shifted his gaze toward the tide coming in. “No, I suppose it’s not.”
Jess watched the waves out in the distance. “I guess we all get addicted to something that takes the pain away.” She looked over at Myles then stood and walked toward the ocean.
After a moment or so, Myles stood, brushed himself off, and followed her lead. He watched as she walked out into the water, first dipping a toe in and then both feet. “So, what was it you wanted to tell me about your ex-wife?” she asked, her tone flat.
He kicked off his flip-flops, picked them up, and tossed them away from the shore. “I wanted to tell you that maybe you’re right. Maybe she doesn’t want to be found…”
Jess waited for him to turn so she could see his face... “I don’t know… I guess you need to ask yourself why finding her is so important. I mean… I went all the way to Africa chasing a dream and look where it got me…”
Myles inhaled, then nonchalantly reached down and brushed her hair out of her face. “It got you here, didn’t it?”
Jess searched his eyes. She could get lost in them if she let herself. But that was the thing... she couldn’t. It was too dangerous of a game to play.
Myles confirmed her thoughts as he spoke. “I don’t know… I’ve sort of always thought that if I could just speak to her that maybe things would be different. That we could work it out. I get that... I mean… I know that no conversation will take away losing our little girl, but I would be lying if I didn’t say just a small part of me believed we could create what we had again. And that perhaps, if I just tried harder, that it would all be different the next time.”
“Is that what you really want? To work it out?”
“I don’t know... Maybe I just want closure.”
“How did Hailey die, Myles?”
Hearing her name caused him to visibly flinch. He rubbed his hand over his face and waited a while before he finally spoke. “She got sick. At first, Leslie…” He paused and sighed. “Leslie was my wife.”
Jess nodded and kept her eyes on his, silently urging him to go on.
“At first, she thought it was no big deal… you know, just normal kid stuff. Hailey was only two so she seemed to constantly be picking up a cold here or there… and Leslie thought it was just another virus, like all the others. Leslie was sure if she took her to the doctor, it would be like all the other times where they just sent her home to wait it out. So, this time she didn’t go. And even as Hailey’s fever climbed higher and higher, she told herself it was nothing, until finally, Hailey seemed to have some sort of seizure, and so Leslie rushed her in. But, by then it was too late, she was too sick… she had meningitis all along it turned out, and she never woke up again… Leslie blamed herself and in doing so, blamed me for not being there.”
Jessica squeezed his hand. “I’m so sorry.”
Myles exhaled slowly. “Me, too. But she was right. I should’ve been there.”
Jess swallowed. “As a mother, and clearly even as a shitty one these days, I understand where you’re coming from, but logically—you have to know, Myles, that even if you had been there, the outcome would have likely been the same. Sometimes these things happen and there’s not a lot we can do to stop them… I know that doesn’t make it easier—but it’s the truth. And I know that no matter what I say or what anyone else says, it won’t change things for you. But if it would, I would paint your past with the truth so that you could see yourself as I see you. Brave, and kind, and caring, and most importantly, someone without so much doubt. ”
Myles checked his watch. “That’s sweet. But we both know you’re not in your right mind, anyway,” he said, playfully shoving her shoulder before he placed a hand on each one and steadied her. “We need to get you back to the house. The doc will be here in a half hour…”
Jess nodded, then reached up and took his chin between her fingers. She wanted to kiss him, but she held back and filled the empty space with words instead. “Thank you for sharing that with me. It really means a lot. You’ve always been a good friend to me and I appreciate that.” She took a deep breath then looked away. “And I’m sorry for shutting you down earlier. I shouldn’t have done that.”
Myles slowly took a step back and turned toward the house. “Let’s go,” he called over his shoulder. “There’s still plenty of time for you to feel like shit about it.”
Jessica watched him go as she dug her toes further into the wet sand and squeezed them, watching as the muddy water poured over her feet and enveloped them. She let him get a ways ahead before she allowed herself to smile—just a little. All along she’d let him think he was breaking her, but maybe, just maybe, they’d actually been breaking each other.
After they had arrived back at the cottage, Jess told Myles that she was going to retreat to her room to call the kids. Which she eventually did, but first, she dialed her best friend.
The two of them exchanged brief pleasantries and then Jess got right down to it.
“Addison… listen, I need your help… something is going on here and I can’t put my finger on it.”
“If you need booze or drugs, I can’t help you.”
Jess lowered her tone. “No, it’s not that. I think I might have feelings for Myles. I don’t understand. One second I hate him, and the next, I can’t get enough.”
Addison laughed. “Yeah, that sounds about right. That’s what you call love, Jess.”
“Ha. Ha. No, seriously though, I’ve been fighting this… whatever it is… and I’m not sure that I can or even want to anymore.”
“Then don’t.”
“But… I don’t know what to do…”
“Just keep doing what you’re doing… it’s obviously working.”
Jess let out a long sigh. “Addie… I don’t think you understand. I don’t think it’s supposed to be this way. I literally want to choke him half of the time.”
“That’s called chemistry, Jess. Just go with it.”
“Are we even in the same conversation here?”
Addison cleared her throat and spoke slowly and deliberately. “Look… I know you’re scared and I know you’re fighting whatever is going on here… but first and foremost, you need to get sober… and then, I promise you… things will look a little more clear. Just ease your way into it. Feel what you need to feel and quit fighting it.”
“So you’re saying I should just give in. That’s easy for you to say…”
“No, Jess. That’s love. It’s not easy. And there are no rules. It’s never as clear cut or as clean as we want it to be...”
Jess laughed. “Oh, good, now we’re getting somewhere.”
“So you love him then? You’re admitting that you’re ready to wave the white flag now?”
She thought for a moment. “I’m not sure I even know what love is…”
Addison exhaled. “Sure you do. It’s caring enough that you want to stick around long enough to choke them. Otherwise, you would’ve let him go by now. It’s the need to get it right. And not wanting to do it any other way.”
Jess bit her lip. “Touché.”
Just as Myles had said, the doctor arrived shortly before eight p.m. A plump, balding man, with large, circular rimmed glasses. He introduced himself in a gruff, tired voice as Dr. Martin.
“Too many junkies today?” Jess asked sarcastically.
The man didn’t answer. Instead, he began by taking her vitals, then jotted down a few notes and asked Jess a myriad of questions about how she was feeling, which drugs were prescribed to her, and which she’d been using and at what dosage. He quizzed her on the last time she’d medicated and the last time she’d abused alcohol.
But instead, she simply nodded as the doctor advised her that she was experiencing moderate withdrawal symptoms and that they would only become more extreme from this point forward. He suggested using a medication called Naltrexone that would both speed up and minimize the detoxification process. He explained that the medication worked by attaching to one’s endorphin or opiate receptors, completely blocking them, meaning that if one were to use any sort of opiate—including Jess’s go-to favorites Oxycontin and Dilaudid while they are on Naltrexone, they would feel no effect because all of their receptors would be completely blocked. He explained that while Naltrexone was on board, it would be virtually impossible to relapse and that it would also help significantly with cravings that were likely to occur after detox. He informed her that there were other medications they could use as well, and he began to explain those in some detail as Jess sat quietly and focused her attention out the window.
She halfway listened as Myles drilled the physician about the pros and cons of each method before she finally decided that she’d had enough. She stood and interrupted, looking from the doctor to Myles and back again. “Is there anything else you need from me?”
Myles eyed her impatiently, his head cocked to the side. “Why? Have you decided on a method of treatment? Because if so, I think the two of us should discuss it first.”
Jess put her hand on her hip. “Well, if either one of you would have consulted me, I could’ve saved you both a lot of time and a lot of going back and forth.”