by Britney King
“Why would he steal money, Mom? It’s like he didn’t even care about us.”
“I don’t know. I really don’t. I wish I had all the answers for you, but the truth is I don’t have any of them. And to be really honest, we may never know. Maybe you should write to him. He probably can’t give you the answers either… but I do know that he does care about you. I was there the day you were born, and I saw the way his face lit up when he saw you for the first time. And no matter what he did, or what anybody says about him, for the rest of my life—that’s the man I’ll remember.”
“So what you’re saying is to pretend like he didn’t screw us over?”
“No. What I’m saying is that ultimately he screwed himself over. And for our own sake, it might be a good idea to try to remember all of the good things about him. I’m not saying not to be angry, or sad, or hurt… but it won’t change what he’s done.”
He sighed. “Mom?”
“Yes.”
“Can I say fuck?”
She pursed her lips. “Just once. And that was your once, just then.”
“Okay. Well, in that case, I want ice cream, too.”
Jess laughed. “Then we better get a move on it, if we’re going to catch them.”
This was how they spent the rest of that summer—stuck somewhere between sadness, anger, and understanding. With just a touch of hope sprinkled in.
Chapter Twenty-Three
They returned home in late August just before school started. The press had mostly lost interest and moved on to other things—at least until the trial started that is. Jess still hadn’t told the children the full extent of the charges against their father, but knew that time was running out given that school was set to start, and if she didn’t tell them, someone else likely would. How she could possibly have that conversation with them, she wasn’t sure, so much so that she nearly vetoed going home altogether. But it was time. And in the end, unavoidable.
Jess wanted to visit Spencer in jail even though her attorneys had advised against it. She needed to get answers and she’d planned to do so, but he’d declined each of her requests for visitation. Finally, she wrote him a letter, which she’d asked Jonathan to stick in with his and a few of Cat’s drawings.
Dear Spencer,
Honestly, I’m not sure where to start.
I am still in disbelief over what has taken place, and I still hold some hope that the allegations about the accident aren’t true. I would have given you the money, and I thought you knew me well enough to know that, which is why none of this makes any sense. I’m not even sure how it’s possible to sleep in the same bed as someone who wishes you dead and still have no idea.
But I will say this—I forgive you.
Even if I can’t yet forgive myself, I forgive you. Because the truth is, you didn’t get the best of me, Spencer. What you’ve done to our family is incomprehensible and still, the children and I will be okay in the end. You, on the other hand, will have a very long time to sit and ponder it all and all that you’re missing. And my only question to you is for what?
My heart is broken for the kids and yet it is for them that I realize that I must forgive you.
Jessica
Over the course of the summer, the children had really taken to Myles and him to them. He and Jess let their level of affection evolve slowly around the kids until they were practically the only ones still in on their bad joke.
“I know you love him,” Jonathan mentioned casually over breakfast one morning as Myles walked out the door.
Jess had watched him go and turned her attention back to her son. “I don’t love him,” she’d countered, smiling. “But I like him an awful lot.”
“Clearly,” Catherine had added.
“It’s okay if you do,” Jonathan said. “Just don’t lie about it.”
She gulped her orange juice and swallowed. “All right. Geez! You two are tough.”
And just like that, the cat was out of the bag.
Three days before school was to start back, Jess sat Jonathan down and handed him her notebook, turned to the correct page. “I’m not sure I can say it aloud to you. I hope you’ll forgive me, but I wrote it for you instead. It’s the best I could do.”
Hesitantly, he pulled the notebook into his lap. She watched him read it and noted how his shoulders slumped and his eyes grew wide as he scanned the pages.
“I fucking hate him. I told you I did.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry, son. I didn’t want this to be the way it was either.”
“I never want to talk to him as long as I live,” he said.
“I hear you. I hope you’ll change your mind. But I understand… and that was your one fuck.”
“Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. He tried to kill you. Fuck him.”
“Jonathan, stop. You’re a writer. How about taking all of that frustration and anger and putting it on paper? It’s helped me—”
“I just want to be alone now,” he interrupted.
She waited for a moment, hoping her son would change his mind, but when he handed her the notebook and motioned toward the door, she simply nodded. Jess ran her fingers through his hair sloppily before giving in and going. There were so many things she couldn’t fix for him now no matter how hard she tried. Jess closed the bedroom door behind her and pressed her head against it. It wasn’t fair. This was too much for any child to go through. “I’m fine, Mom.” She heard him call out on the other side of the door. “You can go away now.”
Jess smiled a knowing smile. She stayed that way with her head pressed against the door until she heard his computer power up and with it, the steady drum of fingers hitting keys, and then she retreated to the comfort of her office and Myles’s arms.
Just as summer turned into fall with the next several months came change and a steady stream of improvement around the Clemens’s estate. Jess stayed clean, attended regular Narcotics Anonymous meetings, and volunteered at Cat’s school.
Myles managed the heavy lifting around the property and helped maintain a sense of normalcy in Spencer’s absence. He encouraged Jess to visit her father, and one day, in early November, she finally did.
Early one morning, they’d been wrapped up in each other and it was almost dawn. The light was just peeking through the curtains when he’d suggested it out of the blue. Jess still played the game of sneaking out of the main house once the kids had fallen asleep and hurrying off to her office above the barn, where she’d climb in bed with Myles. They’d make love and talk, often until dawn on the many nights neither of them could sleep. And there were many of those.
“Why don’t you visit your father?” he’d asked.
Jess inhaled sharply, she hadn’t expected the question. “It’s complicated. But for starters, he doesn’t even know who I am. I guess I just don’t want to remember him that way...”
“Hmm. I’m sure there’s a lot you still want to say to him though, right?”
She shrugged. “I haven’t really thought about it.”
He sighed. “Sure you have. The thing is, now’s the time to say it, Jessica. Once a person’s gone, they’re gone, and you don’t get a second chance. They’re really gone, and all you’re left with is the emptiness and the things you didn’t say.”
“He probably wouldn’t understand what I was saying anyway.”
“But you would, Jess. And really, that’s what will comfort you once he’s gone.”
She snuggled in closer. “I’ll think about it…”
“The sun’s coming up.”
She slowly untangled herself from him and started to get up. “Yeah, I’d better get back.” She squinted trying to spot her clothes on the floor through the dim glow of the candlelight. “We’re practically vampires living this way…”
He pulled her back down and wrapped his arms around her. “Yeah, well, you should know, vampire or not, being here with you has been some of the best days of my life.”
Jess lifted her head
and studied his face. “Whoa, Mr. Serious. Where’s Myles and what did you do with him?”
He playfully bit her neck. “He’s evolving. I think he’s figuring out that maybe he likes the light after all.”
The following morning, Jess stood in the doorway of her father’s room at the retirement community. She stood there for a few minutes, watching him reading the newspaper and thought back over her childhood and all of the mornings she’d watched him do the same thing. Countless mornings. Countless mornings that she could’ve said all that she had wanted to say, mornings where he would have known who she was and would’ve responded appropriately. But this was now. And this was not one of those mornings.
He looked up and then met her eye. “Did you bring my breakfast?”
Jess looked around before figuring out that it was her he was speaking to. “No, Daddy. It’s me, Jessica.”
“I want my breakfast. It’s eight-thirty. No one brought me my breakfast.”
She looked out into the hallway and back at him. “Oh. Okay. I’ll check.”
He eyed her suspiciously. “Who are you? Where’s Dorothy?”
“It’s me, Daddy.”
Jess watched him study her face and try to connect the dots. “I don’t have a daughter,” he finally said, shaking his head.
She crossed the room and sat down on his bed opposite the recliner he was in. “I see. Well… I just came to sit with you.”
“Sit. For what?”
She thought for a moment and let the words come. “You see, I’m in some trouble and you look like just the man to help me out.”
He considered her statement briefly. “I can’t help you out. I haven’t even had my breakfast yet.”
Jess laughed. There was the man she knew. She’d hoped that a part of him was in there somewhere. And there he was.
His expression grew concerned. “What sort of trouble are you in?”
She exhaled slowly. “My life has unraveled. My husband is in jail for attempting to murder me and for embezzlement. I nearly drank myself to death and my father doesn’t even know who I am.”
“That doesn’t sound right. Why would anyone want to murder you?”
“For money,” she whispered.
He shook his head in understanding as though she’d just let him in on a secret, which no one else in the world knew. “It’s always about money. Well, good. I’m glad they caught the bastard.”
Jess laughed. “How are you, Daddy?” she asked slipping.
“I think you’re confused, young lady.” He moved his head to the side attempting to look outside into the hallway and lowered his voice. “I think you wandered into the wrong room.”
“Maybe so. But look… do you think that we could pretend for a little while… because the thing is, I could really use an ear right now.”
He stuck his bottom lip out and pondered her question for a second. “All right.”
“I love you, Daddy,” she started and paused before continuing. “And I’m so sorry that I haven’t visited in a while. It’s just hard for me. But I miss you. I miss you so much.” She wept, not taking her eyes off his.
He reached over and patted her knee almost childlike. “Oh, that’s all right, young lady. You can come here anytime and we can play pretend, even before I’ve had my breakfast. It’s fine, just so long as you don’t cry.”
She wiped her nose with the back of her hand. He passed her a tissue from his bedside table. “You’ve always been the best father. And the truth is, I’m not sure any man could ever live up to you. Maybe that was part of the problem, I realize in hindsight. But you know what… I think I finally found one that comes close.”
He looked startled. “It’s not that murdering son of a bitch, is it?”
Jess laughed hard then recovered. She shook her head. “No.”
“I’ve never heard a story so crazy in all my life. You should write a book about that one. They’d probably make it into a movie. It just seems unreal.”
Jess cocked her head to the side and smiled. “You don’t say.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Myles had spent so much of the last six months working to figure out and fix Jessica’s problems that he’d neglected his own. In many ways, he welcomed this because it helped to take his mind off all that troubled him. It was easy, he found, to avoid dealing with your own issues when you were so engrossed in someone else’s issues. And as a SEAL, it was what he knew. His experience taught him the necessity of intense focus.
He’d had one of the best summers of his life with Jess and her kids. It was nice to be regarded as somewhat of a father figure again, and God knows those kids needed it. He was glad to be with them. It felt good to be needed, and he was finally in a place that felt like the closest thing to ‘home’ that he’d known in a very long time. So much so that when his Commander contacted him late that summer and asked him to consider reenlisting, Myles told him that he was needed where he was and that he was happy there. Even still, the phone call and the mission that beckoned planted a seed in him that he couldn’t stop from growing.
And admittedly, now that the intensity of saving Jessica from herself was winding down, he found himself growing restless. He was trained to be a soldier. The ease and contentment of day-to-day family life wasn’t something he was used to. Long story short, he wasn’t sure he was ready for it. Or that he’d ever be ready, if he were being honest. He faced addictions of his own, and for better or worse, he still felt, and perhaps always would feel a deep sense of commitment to his teammates. They were his brothers, and he missed the camaraderie more than he thought possible. Not to mention, he craved the adrenaline that life in the military provided.
He was fairly certain he’d finally found his ex-wife and he’d meant to pay her a visit. There were still things left unsaid, but the time never seemed right to get away. Soon. He would go soon. He found himself thinking about this as he stood watching Jess accept her six-month sobriety chip from Narcotics Anonymous.
Watching her up on stage, he felt a deep sense of pride well up within him. Six months down, a lifetime to go, but he’d witnessed her strength grow over the past six months in ways that were immeasurable. She’d become a great workout partner, she was writing again, and most importantly, she was a better mother than he’d ever guessed she could be. Watching her parent was fascinating to him. She was tough and yet gentle in all the ways that mattered. And still, there was an uneasiness he couldn’t shake.
In mid-November, when Jessica’s mother offered to take the kids for the weekend, Myles suggested to Jess that they head to the coast. A part of him missed the simplicity of the beach house. Mostly, he missed being alone with her. And though he would probably never admit it willingly, maybe a part of him even missed her needing him the way she once did.
They pulled up to the house as the sun had already begun sinking low in the sky. Jess immediately ran for the beach. Though Jess told him it could wait, Myles knew better and unloaded their things before he joined her out near the water. He stood there waiting for her to turn back. The wind had kicked up a bit and the water was choppy. A storm was coming. “Let’s take a walk,” she called over her shoulder and took off already several paces in front of him.
He eyed the black clouds rolling in. “We probably shouldn’t go far.”
Jess turned around and followed his gaze toward the sky. “It’s just a stray shower coming in. It won’t be too bad.”
He knew better. Myles shrugged and jogged a few paces ahead of her. “Fine. Let’s go. There’s something I want to talk to you about anyway…”
She passed him. “Now?”
Myles stopped mid-stride and looked around at the empty beach. “It’s as good a time as any.”
“Maybe it is… but I don’t know. I just have a lot on my mind right now. Can it wait?”
He furrowed his brow but recovered quickly. “Is there another choice?”
Jess stopped and bent over. She exhaled as loudly as she could. “Okay. You
’re right. I’m sorry… let’s hear it.”
He kept walking before stopping and turning around. “Nah, no worries. It can wait. It’s really not that important, anyway. How’s the writing coming?”
“It’s not.”
“I went over your timeline. I left you my notes in the drawer, just in case it helps.”
She stuck out her bottom lip just a tad. “That was thoughtful of you.”
Myles watched the big raindrops begin to fall. He could smell the heavy rain coming. “It’s no big deal. We should turn back.”
“Just a little while longer. I love the rain.”
He looked up at the sky. It was turning darker by the second. “It’s not the rain I’m worried about. You don’t want to get caught in a storm like this, Jess.”
“Maybe I do.”
He hesitated. “I don’t think you realize what you’re in for.”
She sat down in the sand and dug her feet in. “If you want to go Myles, just go.”
He wasn’t going to leave her there. He wasn’t that kind of guy. And maybe she wasn’t that kind of girl. Because she’d known, she’d seen right through him, and she’d called him out on it—and to her credit, she’d given him the option. But it wasn’t completely lost on him that she hadn’t asked him to stay either.
They sat in stubborn silence as the storm picked up steam. Jess sat watching the light show in the sky while he watched her. Finally, with the rain beating down on them, for no apparent reason, she stood up. Myles followed suit. He waited for her to give in while they stood there in an unspoken standoff facing one another until a roll of thunder sounded, startling them both. Jess turned and made a run for it and he followed close behind. The sky lit up and the thunder sounded all around as buckets of rain poured from the sky. He counted the distance between the flash and the boom and as the gap closed, he picked up speed a little, but found Jess unable to keep up. She stopped and doubled over.