by Britney King
Myles turned back and bent down in front of her. “Climb on.”
“You are not carrying me!”
“I’m not leaving you, either. And I want to get out of this weather. It’s getting cold out. And, the way I see it, we don’t have many options. Don’t be stubborn now, Jessica. This isn’t the time.”
Jess eyed him, her expression pained. After a few seconds, she relented and climbed on his back. He lifted her up and through the thunder and the rain, he heard the words he hadn’t expected would come so soon, if at all. “Don’t worry about it. I understand.”
She understood. Myles felt his breath catch. A part of him wanted to stop then and there, put her down, and explain where he was coming from. But they were in the thick of the storm, and the only thing Myles could focus on was what he’d been trained to do, and that was to get back to safety. So, instead he sucked in as much air as he could manage and made for the cottage.
Unsure what to say and whether or not to say anything at all, Myles handed Jess a towel he’d left on the counter and then grabbed another for himself. He turned and watched the rain pound against the glass. “That’s some storm rolling in.”
When she didn’t respond, he turned to find her glaring at him. She toweled off her hair and wrung it out before she walked over to him and pressed her wet body against his. Her expression was unreadable, which was almost never the case anymore. “Make love to me,” she said with her eyes on his.
Myles studied her face and smoothed her wet hair away from it. Then he slowly peeled her out of her clothes and stripped out of his until they were standing in the middle of the living room naked, staring at one another in silence. “Have you forgotten what to do?” she finally asked, her expression confused.
Myles shook his head. “No.”
“Then what are you waiting for?”
“There’s no need to rush this. Maybe I just want to take you all in.”
Jess gazed at the floor and then met his eye again, refusing to ignore the elephant in the room. “How long do I have before you go?”
Myles placed his finger to her lips. “We don’t have to decide that now.”
“Unless one of us already has.”
He lowered his tone. “I said we’ll talk about it later.”
To his surprise, she didn’t push back. And, he found this both a blessing and a curse.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Myles watched the rise and fall of her chest as she slept. Leaving her was going to hurt like hell. But he was made for leaving. It’s what he knew. One thing about military life was that there was no way of making everyone happy. If he stayed, neither of them would be happy, but if he went, they at least stood a chance apart. She wouldn’t ask him to stay, he realized. She wasn’t that kind of woman.
He was being called toward something bigger. His expertise being called for elsewhere, his brothers needed him back in the Navy. He had a duty and it was becoming more and more clear that it was in the military. So, while it wasn’t an easy decision, it was at least clear-cut. You go where you’re needed, and Myles knew as well as anybody that place was no longer where he was. Jessica would be fine. The kids would be fine. It was win-win, really. He wasn’t cut out for family life and never had been. Even the small part of him that wanted to stay knew that if he listened, they’d ultimately all lose.
She stirred, opening her eyes. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
Light poured in and filled the room, causing her to squint. “What time is it? Did you sleep?”
“It’s six-thirty. A little...”
Jess frowned. “That means no.”
He smiled faintly.
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
“You looked peaceful.”
She swallowed. “So are we going to talk about this?”
“We’re talking…”
“When do you leave?”
“After Christmas.”
Jess nodded. “Wow. That’s right around the corner.”
She wasn’t going to make this easy. “How did you know?
“I don’t know. Lucky guess…”
He pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled. “I’m sorry, Jessica.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry about. I knew who you were when we started this. I didn’t exactly take you for a family man, Myles.” The way she said his name killed him. “ Plus I have a lot going on with the kids, the divorce, and the upcoming trial. That’s enough to keep me busy for another lifetime.”
“I know you’re hurt…”
“Disappointed, more than anything,” she whispered, not missing a beat.
“Yeah.” He forced a smile. “But you’ll move on. You’re a smart, incredible, beautiful woman. You’ll do all right for yourself…”
Her eyes welled up and she swallowed hard. “And you?”
Myles thought carefully searching for the most appropriate response, all the while knowing he was about to tell the first lie he’d told in quite some time. “I’ll be fine. I’m a soldier through and through. I was made for this.”
Jess watched him squirm. She wanted to push back, to be stubborn—to argue with him the way only she could. She wanted to hate him or pretend that she was indifferent, but to her dismay, she was stuck somewhere between love and understanding instead.
She scooted into him, buried her head into his chest, and thought back to the first time she’d seen his face back in that barn. She remembered how she wanted to hate him then with his smug grin, and in that moment realized that she could no more hate him now than she could that first night she spent with him. He’d been right about her back then, and he was right sitting in front of her now. She was a fighter. She would make it through. He wasn’t the staying kind—that much she knew from the get-go. And it had always been just a matter of time before he proved it to her.
Jess wanted to say all of this, to tell him to go, to get out now before it had the chance to hurt any more. She wanted to beg him to stay—but the only words that came were ones that made sense. She snuggled into his lap and let them slip off her tongue. “It’s okay. You know where to find me when you get back.”
He stared at her for a moment. “You don’t have to wait for me, Jessica. I’m not asking you to do that.”
“I know you aren’t. But what else can I do?”
“Move on.”
She sighed. “Oh, Myles. If I had any chance at that, I never would’ve started this to begin with. Love is love. It’s not the sort of thing you can just turn on and turn off.”
He wrapped a strand of her hair around his finger and tugged gently. “You don’t understand what you’re saying. You don’t know how it is.”
“So.”
“So, don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
‘Promises?” She smiled. “Who said anything about promises, Mr. Serious?”
“All kidding aside, I really don’t want you to put your life on hold, Jessica.”
“Maybe not, but you haven’t considered one thing.”
“Oh? What’s that?”
Jess leaned up and pulled his head down as close as she could manage. She searched his eyes until she got the response she wanted. “I don’t have a choice. I’m in love with you.”
“What should I tell the kids?” she asked later that night over dinner.
Myles eyed her in the candlelight and his heart hurt. “Tell them I didn’t have a choice.”
She cocked her head to the side. “I thought you said you never lie...”
“Well, technically, it would be you lying. As for me, I only lie when it really, really counts.”
“And this counts?” Anger was seeping in.
“They’re kids, Jessica. They can’t handle the truth in every situation life throws at them.”
“What is the truth exactly?”
He glared at her as he chewed the bite he was working on and took his time before swallowing. “The truth is that I’m a SEAL. I’ve spent a good portion of my life in the
Navy. It’s a large part of who I am. And anyone in my life needs to understand that.”
Jess threw her fork down. “At what point do those who love you become more important than that part of your life?”
“Your argument is weak, Jessica. I wouldn’t try that one with me.”
“And why would that be? It’s a valid question.”
“Because everything I do out there in the field is for those I love. What do you think keeps us going? It’s not the pay—I’ll tell you that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t have horrible enough nightmares to rival. So don’t tell me that I’m reenlisting because I don’t care. That’s bullshit. And I won’t have it.”
She picked up her fork as the tears spilled down her cheeks and pushed the food around her plate. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“You say that you’ll either wait for me or you won’t. It’s pretty simple. And there are no expectations, Jessica. If it doesn’t work for you, just say so. I’ll be fine.”
“Will you be hurt?”
He shook his head. “Disappointed.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
“What do you get a girl who has everything?” Myles asked in the darkness of the night.
Jess smiled and pressed her face against his naked chest. “I have everything I want right here, right now, in this moment.”
“But Christmas is kind of a big deal, or so, I hear. My mom always worked on Christmas and we didn’t have much so… I’m sort of flying blind here.”
She squeezed him. “Oh, you have no idea. I’m going to make this the best Christmas ever. Big tree, lots of lights—all of it. It’s how I’ve always done it, but this year will be even bigger! You haven’t lived until you’ve spent Christmas at our house.”
He laughed. “I guess not.”
Myles felt her mood shift. “You won’t be back yet this time next year, will you?”
“No. It’s an eighteen-month deployment. That’s all I’m committed to…”
“And after that?”
He inhaled. “And after that we’ll see. I care about you, Jessica. You know that. But as for much more than that, I’m not sure what else I can offer.”
She walked her fingers down the length of his chest and back up again. “It’s enough, Myles. I’ll miss you, sure, but I miss the pills, too. And if I can live without them, then I can live without you… for a while at least.”
“I’m afraid you’re going to have to.”
“Okay,” she said sitting up. “We don’t need to beat a dead horse. I get it. I know you need reassurance that I’ll wait. Even if you’re not willing to admit it. That’s fine. But I said I’ll wait for you and I will. I just need to hear you say that you want me to.”
He took her hand in his, grabbed her chin, looking directly into her eyes. “I’m not sure that anyone has ever really known me the way you do. You understand things about me that half of the time I don’t even understand about myself. I want you to wait. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to be mine and mine alone. I can’t imagine anyone else holding you this way. Is that what you want to hear? Because it’s the truth. The selfish fucking truth. But the truth nonetheless.”
“Love is selfish, Myles. It just is.”
“I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to ask you to wait because I know it’s not fair to you. You deserve someone who’s going to be around. You deserve better.”
“And you deserve someone who will wait. Is that what you want to hear?”
He saw the recognition in her eyes. “Maybe it is.”
“Good then, it’s settled. We have eighteen months to figure out how to be the best at what the other deserves.”
He lifted her hand and gave it a firm shake. “You have yourself a deal.”
She smiled and then he pushed her backward on the bed and made love to her in a way neither of them would soon forget. He realized that night that there are a million ways to say I love you. And at least half of them don’t require words at all.
That Christmas was the best of his life, just as she’d promised. The four of them, he Jess and the kids, went out to an old tree farm in the country and cut down their own tree. Jess tried to show him the opulence of her lifestyle while he showed her the simplicity of his. They made a game of it, seeing who could shock the other. She insisted he attend fancy parties with the Hartmans and he insisted on building a fire and watching old holiday movies around it with hot cocoa. Surprisingly, he found himself happy either way, as long as he was with her. Being here with her this way, felt like home. The only home he’d really ever known.
His Christmas gift to her was almost complete even though finding time for it required additional stealth on his part. He’d gotten Jonathan a camera because God knew the boy needed to get out into the world and out from behind his computer. Metaphorically, he wanted him to try seeing things from a different point of view and starting behind the lens wouldn’t hurt. For Kit Cat, he’d gotten her ballet slippers and a year’s worth of lessons because she incessantly talked about being a ballerina and he knew she’d be a natural. There was something special about the way she lit up a room—much like her mother did, without either knowing it or trying. There was a presence they both possessed and Myles wanted to bottle it up and take it with him.
Christmas came and went with a level of chaos like he’d never seen. He’d secretly arranged to have Jess’s father brought to the house for Christmas dinner and Myles found himself with an unfamiliar feeling—a severe case of nerves. He wanted everything to go just perfectly and thankfully, it did. Jess had been so surprised that tears welled up in her eyes.
He gave the kids their gifts, which they seemed to enjoy, but true to their nature, they were out the door, off to the next thing. Once everyone had gone, he decided it was time for Jess’s actual gift. He blindfolded her, put her into the mule, and drove her to the barn.
“Where are you taking me?” she’d asked.
He smiled even though she couldn’t see it. “To the place where it all started.”
He pulled up, turned off the ignition, and led her in by the hand. “Okay. Here. Stop. Sit…”
Jess did as he said and took a seat. He removed the blindfold and watched as she let her eyes adjust. She looked around confused.
“You’re sitting on it.”
She stood and eyed the chair.
“You got me a chair?”
“No. I made you a chair. I dismantled that old table I found you standing on and used it to make something a little more useful.”
Her eyes grew wide and she ran her fingers over it. “Wow. It’s beautiful. I had no idea you had this kind of talent.”
“It’s a writing chair, Jessica. To go upstairs, in your office. I want you to promise me something…”
She swallowed.
“Promise me that you’ll wait. This is me... manning up and asking you outright. And that while you wait, I’m asking you to finish your book.”
She studied his face. “I promise I’ll wait. But that book was just fluff—it was just something I liked to do in my spare time, once upon a time.”
“That book is a good part of why I’m in love with you. You have a gift, Jessica. A way with words, like nothing I’ve ever seen.”
She smiled.
“And, of course, I’m going to need something to read while I’m away. So… I want you to promise that you’ll write not just to me, but for me.”
Jess exhaled slowly. “Fine. If you insist.”
Myles nodded. “Good. Then there’s just one more thing. Wait here.”
She took a seat in the chair and watched him disappear around the corner.
He reappeared with a puppy flanking his side. “Jessica, meet Romeo. Romeo, Jessica.”
The black lab pup sauntered up to Jess and began licking her hands. “You got me a dog?”
“Not just a dog. Loyalty.”
She wasn’t convinced. “Loyalty, huh?” Jess rubbed his head as he chewed o
n her fingers. “Well, he sure is cute nonetheless.”
“Romeo, come.” She watched as the dog followed his command. He pointed his finger at the pup. “Romeo, sit.” The pup sat and eyed him expectantly and then eyed Jess.
Myles walked over to where she was sitting. “Romeo, heel.” The dog followed. “Lay down.” The pup rested at her feet.
“See, he’s loyal and trained. I’ve been working with him for weeks…”
Jess grinned, stood, and wrapped her arms around his neck. The puppy barked. “The kids are going to be thrilled. I can’t believe you’ve had him hidden in here this entire time…”
“I wanted you to have a companion in my absence. Plus, every great writer needs a dog.”
“I think you mean a cat. I think most writers have cats.”
He kissed her forehead, rubbed her shoulders to warm her up, and then shrugged. “Same difference.”
She rested her head on his shoulder. “I’m going to miss you so much.”
“I’m going to miss you, too.” He pulled back and met her gaze head on. “Merry Christmas, Jessica. I hope you’re happy.”
Jess wrapped her arms around him a little tighter. “The happiest.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Myles shipped out two days after Christmas. Letting him go was perhaps the hardest thing she’d ever done. More so than recovering from the accident and even more so than getting clean. It was like a piece of her went missing, and she in turn spent the next two months practically in her pajamas. Of course, she took care of the kids and the puppy, but for the most part, when they didn’t need her attention, Jess spent most of her time alone.
Until one day in late February, Addison paid her a visit. Addison arrived as usual dressed to the nines.
“What in bloody hell is wrong with you?” she’d demanded. “You know what you need, Jessica?”
Jess considered her friend standing there and how much she adored her. “A man who doesn’t leave?”